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I really need some help..

L

lost_mind91

New member
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
1
Okay.. so I don't even know where to begin.. But I'm going to try my best to explain what's going on.. So.. it might be long and I'm really sorry if it is.

Anyway.. back when I was about 13 or 14 my sister asked me one day to 'role play' with her. Basically it was like writing a story together on the computer. I would write for my character, and then her character would come in and they would interact. At first, I wasn't really into it, but over time, I began to like it.. A LOT. So.. all day, every day, when we weren't at school, my sister and I would play this role playing game on the internet. We were role playing characters from a soap opera that we both very much liked. Well, the more I role played, the more and more I got into it and over time, it pretty much consumed myself and my life. I got so connected to it. At school, my sister and I would write notes to each other and hand them off between classes about plot ideas and ideas for our role plays. When something didn't go right, we would fight about it and I just got more and more attached to this game.

Well.. I have never told anyone this.. but I know I became in over my head because this happened.. and it's hard to explain.

The more I role played, the more I became attached to the characters. I actually felt like I was my character and the role playing went on, even when I wasn't playing it. Basically.. it warped my mind. So much that I thought for my character and every second of the day I was playing out scenes in my head of my characters life. I was obsessed. I was psychotic.

Eventually, it got so bad that I hated the show because the characters weren't following my role play. I felt betrayed and I could feel the pains in my chest like those of heartbreak whenever I even heard about the show. To this day I still refuse to talk about the show, watch the show, or even allow it to be spoken of around me. I don't look at stuff on the internet about it.. anything. I've gotten psychotic over the show. I've even hurt myself and others over it because I hate it so much and it hurts me and sends me into a complete rage whenever I hear about it or see it.

Well, after several months.. my sister met this new friend online and ditched me. Basically.. I went insane. I didn't have anyone to role play with and my sister was still watching the show. I hated her. I spent the next four years literally hating her so badly. And during that time of hate, I became psychotic. I couldn't get the characters out of my head. I role played in my mind all day, literally playing out scenes. I just couldn't get them out of my head. Their names haunted me and I had block the soap from being watched on the TV, out of fear that I would go insane or hurt so badly if I even heard it playing from another room.

Over those four years, things only got worse for me. I was desperate and everyday I told myself that one day my sister would need me back and I would role play again. Eventually, over like two or three years, that turned into me psychotically realizing that I didn't need her and that I could just do it in my head and it would be better because she could never screw anything up or make my characters stupid or something. I was living a complete different life in my head. And I told myself that one day, she would need me back when her friend screwed her over and I would turn her down and she would suffer, just like I did.

So by time I was in that stage, nobody knew what was going on in my mind. My parents didn't know, my sister didn't know. No one. By then, I was only getting worse and worse. I was depressed all the time, I hated my friends, my family, my life. I never left home. I missed school a lot. I was suicidal. And the only things I did were read, and play video games during the time people were around me. And when I was alone, I lived my life in my mind. A life no one knew about.

Very, very slowly did I start to become sick and tired of my characters. They slowly started to fade out of my mind and I was slowly starting to just read all the time, to keep myself in another world. A world that wasn't my own

However, my little tiny inch of recovery backfired when I walked past the tv one day, one that didn't have the show blocked, and I saw two new characters on the show I had never seen before. And then, it started all over again in my mind. I became obsessed over them for the next two years in my mind. I couldn't get them out of my head. It was as if, in my mind, I was the girl and the guy was really with me and stuff. And I would play scenes all day in my mind. And whenever I heard the show or saw pictures from it or heard about it, I would go mad because I felt like the character was cheating on my or something.

Slowly, once again, I started to heal from those characters. I still role played them in my mind, I was still getting worse off, psychologically, but I was getting a tiny bit better. That was until I walked in on the show again. Only this time, matters got worse..

After about four years of hating my sister and having a bad relationship. I thought I was doing better and felt brave and thought I could watch the show without freaking out, but when I did, I became attached to more characters. And to only make things worse.. that one thing I had been waiting for for so long happened. My sisters friend screwed her over and she needed a new role playing buddy. But the show took all my hard work of getting better and crushed it, sending my fifty steps backwards. I started role playing with her again.

So here I am now.. 18, high school drop out, no friends, no desire for a life, job, education, friends anything.

To make matters worse, my role playing addiction/obsession is at it's worse.

The ONLY thing I think about is my role plays and my characters. I feel like I am my character and that I am really going through what she is going through. I go to sleep at night every single night acting out scenes and I play the game from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. I can't go through five minutes without saying my characters names in my head. I can't stop thinking about them no matter what.

I'm terrified to see anything related to the show because I don't want to see my characters boyfriend with other girls because it hurts me so badly and makes me so freaking angry and sends me into this rage where I will harm myself and even others. It even causes me to be suicidal. I fight my thoughts all the time but they just keep coming back into my mind. Role playing has consumed me.

I don't know what to do.. I feel like I'm alone with this problem. I feel like I'm not even myself anymore. I can't even watch a movie or read a book without it making me think of my characters.

It has literally sucked my life away. And when I try to force myself not to think about it, I feel so empty. I don't know what to do. I feel like I completely checked out from reality and can't escape from this fantasy land in my head that I play out on the computer. But even when I don't do that, I just play it in my mind.

And it's not only that, but back before when I was slowly starting to get better and would read and stuff to keep my mind busy.. I would obsess over the characters in books or video games and I would think of scenes and stuff for them. I just can't stop doing it, no matter what. And it makes me hate the books I read, the shows I watch, the movies, everything. Because I take the characters and create their world in my mind and I don't want anyone else using them anymore so I hate the shows and books.

I feel like I'm a psycho or something. Because I live another life in my mind. It's like I'm watching a movie in my mind, 24/7 that's not going to end ever. It just keeps getting worse.

I feel so alone and confused. I don't know what to do. I can't go to a doctor because I have no job. And I just can't bring myself to get a job because I hate being around people. I always feel like they're going to see into my mind and hear my second life playing in there. Or that I'll blurt out something my character says or something. I'm so paranoid and I just can't deal with reality. I have panic attacks when I'm out in public and had them back in school before I dropped out.

I don't care about my own life or anything. I go for months without leaving my home. I dropped all contact with the outside world other than the internet. I refuse to talk to or see anyone I knew from school.. I just don't know what to do. I feel like this game has warped my mind and ruined it to where I can't even live anymore. I want to kill myself just to make the world in my mind stop. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and never had watched the show that inspired me to play this game. Had I not found characters I liked, I would have never role played because I didn't use to like it until I found characters I liked. Now I'm so paranoid about people talking about the show because it hurts me and makes me so angry.

Can anyone help me? :unsure:
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Sounds

It sound like an addiction, many peps have them, I am quiting smoking after over 20 years, and its what to do when I would have smoked.

You need to be strict with yourself, and just be bloody minded, that you wont let this continue.

I dont get why you need a job to go to the doc's , I suppose it depends on what country you are in.

I think you do need to confide in some one, perhaps one of your parents , the one you trust most to help you, doing it alone I can see will be hard, I suggest you start the conversation with "I have a problem, and I need some help", they may say no thats ok, find some one else. If it helps print what you wrote out and let them read it, that way you wont get flustered.

I think you also need to find an interest , a hobbie that you can do that is removed from what you have been doing, I think you were right doing some things during the times when you were inside, but some variaty and outside stuff.

But addictions are easy to fall back into as you have found, I think what you have to realise is that like an alcaholic you cant have just one, if you do you keep going, and that will take resolve on your part that you want a better life.

If you can get proffesional help I think you should try for that, I cant see that you need meds, you just need to kick your habbit, and find healthyer ones to replace it.

I hope this helps......... boB ....... :)
 
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