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I really need help (long read)

M

MikeH

New member
Joined
Nov 17, 2008
Messages
2
Sorry if this is the wrong place to post this but its fits depression though if it needs to be moved then feel free to do so



Well to start off


I'm sixteen years old and i've been really concerned with my health lately. I can't sleep, i can't think and my body is randomly having spazms and i'm always losing weight. I started working out to blow off some anger and i have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. Its like i'm starting to hear voices in my head.

I've been incredibly stressed lately (I fell a year behind in school) and i'm losing friends and my relationship is going to complete hell and yeah i know i'm JUST sixteen but this girl i've been with for over a year and i talk to her everyday at least 7+ hours a day. I've attempted suicide three-four times and every night i hope i just die in my sleep and when i instantly wake up in the morning its like i have no energy what so ever to do anything.

I have no trust in anybody and i'm so scared of my girlfriend leaving me becuause then i'll be left with nothing and i fight with her almost every single day. Everybody makes fun of me for dating her so i'm always getting in trouble by the teachers (Sent to the office 3 times in the past week) just for telling them to shut up. I've been called ugly a few times and it really damages my self esteem.

But something really has been starting to scare me and its my anger. I can't control it and my whole body starts to shake and vibrate like my blood gets this really cold feeling and my stomach makes me feel like im falling into a black burning hole. My heart rate speeds up and i'm under constant mood changes. Like some kid hit me across the leg with a tennis racket and i kicked him really hard in the lag and he wanted to fight and i got into graphic detail on what i was going to do to him like grab his head and smash it on one of these benches until his blood splatters and he slowly dies. I'm told my pupils expand a lot when im mad. People also comment on how the way i talk is weird and its like im a different person each time they talk to me.

I've also passed out recently. I start to lose my vision and my legs and arms start to get weak. My stomach feels like its on fire and my chest tightens. I start to lose hearing aswell when this happens. Though IT ALWAYS feels like my stomach is on fire and my chest is tightening everyday even when i'm not passing out.

I talk about suicide and how worthless i am everyday. I can't even look to the future anymore because it doesn't feel like its going to ever happen. It just feels empty like nothing is there and i have nothing to live for anymore.

I sit and cry every night and i'm always under pressure at school by people. Its like everytime i walk by somebody they say something like "Oh that kid is a fag" or "That kid is ugly" and i can't take it anymore. Grade 11's are trying to start shit with me to. My girlfriend is screaming at me in the middle of the hallway and this tyler kid see's it and i walk by him and he tells me to back the frick down off her and he DOESNT EVEN KNOW HER or me and i wasn't even getting close to her she was smacking me and punching me and i was just trying to get her off.

I have no self esteem, i have no dreams i have no hope for anything anymore its like my body is slowly shutting down. MY heart is beating really freaking heavy to like my whole chest just bounces when i'm laying down and trying to slowly breath. I have constant nose bleeds and head aches.
I'm always fighting with my girlfriend. Shes the only person who understands me and listens and the only person i have left in my life that actually doesn't think im grose and disgusting. When we fight though she tells me i screw up her life and she hates me but she says she doesn't mean it because shes just mad and this is like THE ONLY PERSON I CARE FOR.

My sister is the popular one at school and she treats me like complete crap infront of everybody. Shes making everybody hate my girlfriend and always talking crap about her.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I want to die yet i dont want to dissapoint anybody and i don't tell my parents this because they already let me take a year off school awhile back because of similiar problems and i became anti social during that time thats why i went back to school and because i was falling behind.

I'm getting horrible marks and (#$(# there is just so much more i could go into.

Does anybody know what the hell is wrong with me? I've went to a doctor they've told me i've had high blood pressure but its nothing to worry about because they check it each time i visit and if its constantly like that everytime then they will do something but its like not even the doctor understands.

What can i do? I read up on anti-depressents and other things but i don't exactly know what i can do for myself.
 
Last edited:
Lozzi_1004

Lozzi_1004

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
1,850
Location
Yorkshire, UK
Hi MikeH and :welcome:

Wooow! Really long read, but it's good you tried to include as much detail as you possibly could! Sounds like your going through some scary things, but don't worry everyone's dead nice on here and will offer their views and support!
First things first, no-one can diagnose you on here I'm afraid and going about self diagnosis is a risky thing as soo many things can explain your symptoms and the depression could BE a symptom and not the diagnosis.

Where abouts are you from? I'm taking a random stab in the dark, but you said 'Grade 11' so I'm assuming the US or Canada as in the UK we say "Year 11". Do you have a GP or a doctor you can go see because that would be the best course of action if you're worried about your health :). You say you've attempted suicide.. may I ask how and how you didn't end up in hospital, who helped etc? Sorry if I appear too nosey, it's just if you were hospitalised for it they'd I would have thought you'd have had to see the psych on call in the A+E/ER if they knew you'd attempted suicide that's all.

Have you shared any of these thoughts and feelings with anyone close to you like you girlfriend? Another close friend, family etc? Usually just being able to offload on someone can make the world of difference, a lot of members here have a blog where they can have a rant or just talk about how they're feeling!

Take care :hug:
Lozzi :flowers:
 
M

MikeH

New member
Joined
Nov 17, 2008
Messages
2
Hi MikeH and :welcome:

Wooow! Really long read, but it's good you tried to include as much detail as you possibly could! Sounds like your going through some scary things, but don't worry everyone's dead nice on here and will offer their views and support!
First things first, no-one can diagnose you on here I'm afraid and going about self diagnosis is a risky thing as soo many things can explain your symptoms and the depression could BE a symptom and not the diagnosis.

Where abouts are you from? I'm taking a random stab in the dark, but you said 'Grade 11' so I'm assuming the US or Canada as in the UK we say "Year 11". Do you have a GP or a doctor you can go see because that would be the best course of action if you're worried about your health :). You say you've attempted suicide.. may I ask how and how you didn't end up in hospital, who helped etc? Sorry if I appear too nosey, it's just if you were hospitalised for it they'd I would have thought you'd have had to see the psych on call in the A+E/ER if they knew you'd attempted suicide that's all.

Have you shared any of these thoughts and feelings with anyone close to you like you girlfriend? Another close friend, family etc? Usually just being able to offload on someone can make the world of difference, a lot of members here have a blog where they can have a rant or just talk about how they're feeling!

Take care :hug:
Lozzi :flowers:
Yeah i used to share some of this with my girlfriend but she blames herself and then i end up making her feel bad or like shes not good enough and then i just feel like more crap. Also i've never ended up in the hospital but i've tried tieing a bag over my head, hanging myself, drowning myself and i get really close but this voice in my head stops me at the last second. My parents don't know about any of this and if i told them they probably wouldn't believe me.

Like i'm not trying to come off as weird or a freak or something and i know i sound like it but i'm at a breaking point where i don't know what to do anymore. I live in Canada btw.
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
I think you need professional help and should go and see a doctor and tell them what you are suffering before things get out of control. Have you got a college welfare officer that you could talk to as well.
People on the forum can give you support but we can't diagnose you .
Take care
KP
 
Lozzi_1004

Lozzi_1004

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
1,850
Location
Yorkshire, UK
I agree with KP, you really need to go see a professional, whether thats your family doctor or someone else before this gets out of hand! You've already made the first step by asking for help on here, but we can only offer support - take your girlfriend and print this post off if you need to and take it to your appointment that way s/he gets a pretty good picture and anything else you have missed maybe your girlfriend can fill in the gap :).

I often think my boyfriend doesn't like hearing me go on about ending my own life and SH and he doesn't BUT he understands and he'd rather me tell him. Your girlfriend also need to realise this isn't about her and she needs to be aware she needs to be there for you, maybe including her in the forum and letting her come to the doc appointment, then if you're diagnosed with anything she can look it up and you both can together :)

:flowers:
 
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