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I really don't like what I have(I.E I hate being human and I want to be something else)

MillGuard

MillGuard

Member
Joined
May 10, 2021
Messages
8
Location
Oswego
As of 2020 or late 2019 of last years, I have been diagnosed with bipolar. For the longest I have never really felt like I was meant to be human. This whole world just doesn't feel like it was meant for me and I was supposed to be born elsewhere; I don't know any other words that fit or can perfectly encapsulate what I feel, but this is really getting on my nerves. Since 2017, I felt like I developed a whole entirely different personality in comparison to mine. I don't know the name for this character as I feel like giving him, she, or it any type of human characteristics would be trying to make the damn thing more relatable. It's a tumor that needs to be cut from my body is what it is. It's very sexual in nature as this other person that lives inside of me is always trying to make me do very disgusting things(Ex. sending sexually provocative messages, pictures, and then later regretting them entirely); the person is very powerful and can just override things I'm currently doing at the moment that are otherwise no harm to people. I want to do things that would be beneficial and I even hear other people that are inside of me to fight back, but I feel so weak and utterly powerless to do anything. If I were this person entirely, I would be either dead or in jail at this very moment. So many things I could've done now take longer than they should have and now I have to deal with the perpetual pain of having to complete them again.

Other than the grotesque sexual character that lives in my head, I have many other people inside of my head that I don't like. There's one who's always very idiotic and does some of the most stupid and attention seeking things to just get other people to laugh, even if it's at me. The things this mind person has done includes making me talk to bad people and wanting to engage in their activities to always trying to act "cool" by participating in asinine activities. It feels incredibly draining to combat these people who seem to have control over my body. I struggle daily with trying to remember the meaning of words and certain things, but these mind people that live with me are just making me more exasperated and stupid. I have a slate of mind people I just want to absolutely brutally kill for making me do things I would otherwise never do and it's really upsetting to hear people make me remember things I did despite never feeling in control. I would try telling my parents or psychiatrist that these mind people live inside of my head, but it would just end with me being sent back to a mental hospital and I don't want that to happen ever again. I already had one mind person make me become infatuated with one girl who I never even talked to other than one single occasion and he drove me to almost kill myself. I would've wanted to kill myself either way because of the sheer amount of embarrassment and humiliation I did to myself. Who kills themselves over a person they never even had a conversation with other than just a few exchange of words? This isn't myself, this isn't me, this isn't who I think I am. I just want to do the things I want(play video games, write stories and create fictional universes inside of my head, make maps, possibly learn how to draw so I can become an artist, and learn more things.), but no. I've been dealing with these mind people forever since I was a child; always causing mishaps and making me mishap when I feel like I should have absolute control over the things I should do. There are some good mind people in my head though: I have a really friendly bookworm person who always likes writing down things to create a lexicon of information I should remember. When that person is in control, I can remember things more clearly and some tasks like doing math become almost second nature to me. Another good mind person is a really resilient and strong mind person who never backs down despite what people say, but these good mind people are few and far between. Everyone who lives inside of my head is either just one shade of bad or worse and I just wish they would all get out of my head and never exist.

In other words, I just want to be dead and gone. It feels very painful to reminisce on all things I've done in the past, but I reckon there's really nothing I can do at this point. All I just keep getting told is to continue to live by the few good mind people inside of my head despite all of the things I've done in the past. I don't like this world and I never started making actual friends till the end of high school. I'll do anything at this point to get all of these mind people out of my head. Even if it means mutilating my brain.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
Hey, Millgard, and welcome to the forum. I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling so much, and painful to hear you say you want to be dead and gone. I know you're saying you don't want to seek professional help b/c you don't want to go back to a mental hospital, and I totally get that. The hospital is not a great experience, to put it mildly. But if you're saying you'll do anything "to get all these mind people out of my head even if it means mutilating my brain", do you think you can bring yourself to try to get a second opinion and maybe some helpful treatment? I am no expert, but this doesn't really sound bipolar to me. When you're saying you have these people in your mind, do you hear voices or have hallucinations, or is it that you just feel like you have such strong emotional ranges that you call them "people in your mind"?

I hope you find this forum helpful--there are def a lot of people on here that will know more about bipolar disorder, etc., and I hope you get some good advice. Hang in there, as we are all trying to do, communicate, and maybe consider getting another opinion.
 
Kotter

Kotter

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2021
Messages
59
Location
USA
do you talk back to them?

have you given any of them names?

i would talk to a doctor and not try fix it all yourself. (that's just me)
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
7,345
Location
Sheffield
It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
C

cathanifrind174

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2021
Messages
66
Location
Paris, France
All I just keep getting told is to continue to live by the few good mind people inside of my head despite all of the things I've done in the past. I don't like this world and I never started making actual friends till the end of high school.
I had no friends in school so I understand, it's a terrible thing to not have friends. I think however that you should listen to those good people in your head who show you the good side of humanity. I believe no matter how broken we were, redemption is possible.

If you're getting treatment for bipolar, then I think you should talk about this with your psychologist and psychiatrist to see what you can do medically or naturally to feel better.

As for the dirty thoughts and improper sexual conduct, I know it's hard to accept, but it's your illness and you have to be kind and merciful to yourself. Don't beat yourself about something that happened in your past. Start loving and pampering yourself and accept your sickness as any other sickness.
 

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