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I push everyone (romantic interests) away with my intense personality

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Wherewindblows

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Joined
Jul 18, 2020
Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
I like to believe I am a fun person, j have multiple talents and interests, I'm very kind and positive go everyone I meet, however I can get manic and flood people with information, wether it be an interest of mine, or just delving into deep subjects, I can be overly excitable and men find it overwhelming, they always eventually disappear. It further enforces my fear of abandonment and how shitty I am. I wish I wasn't so eccentric and intense. I'm never mean to anyone but I push everyone away with my intense personality. I have been honest about my past, how terrible I used to be and that im proud I no longer engage in such toxic behaviours, but I feel like it makes people judge me or distrust me, perhaps they trust me initially but then, I behave a certain way and they think I'm a narcissist or something. Sign. I hope everyone is doing well.
 
Someone_alone

Someone_alone

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May 15, 2020
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58
Location
South Africa
Do not let others change you. I am the exact same way and have few friends, I love talking about deep subjects and delving into theories and ideas which most find too overwhelming to talk about. It's hard and I often feel lonely because of it but I will never change who I am to please others, its your life, and you should talk about whatever makes you happy :) If people dont like it and run away they were just never meant. You will find the right people that relate to the things you like.

Just remember to always be you <3
 
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Wherewindblows

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Joined
Jul 18, 2020
Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
Do not let others change you. I am the exact same way and have few friends, I love talking about deep subjects and delving into theories and ideas which most find too overwhelming to talk about. It's hard and I often feel lonely because of it but I will never change who I am to please others, its your life, and you should talk about whatever makes you happy :) If people dont like it and run away they were just never meant. You will find the right people that relate to the things you like.

Just remember to always be you <3
Thank you. Yes I have a few friends who tolerate me lol and who are happy to have deep conversations with, but all new people I meet always disappear, it's truly put me off connecting with anyone else ever again. Or if I do, I should just only talk about what they want and not flood them with my intense personality. Why can't I just be content single, I have been most of my life, I'm 30 years old. But I've been feeling loveless and lonely. It's obvious that I'll just push everyone away forever. Truly disheartening. I honestly think I should give up on meeting people and just be content with being single and stick with my small close friendship group. Everyone new thinks I'm crazy, eventually. 🤣🤔 x
 
P

Purpleplum

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nowhere
Men are less likely to want to deal with that.. it's just not who they are. Can you go slower with them? Leave them wanting to know more.
 
Someone_alone

Someone_alone

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May 15, 2020
Messages
58
Location
South Africa
Thank you. Yes I have a few friends who tolerate me lol who are happy to have deep conversations with, but the amount of people I meet and disappear, it's truly put me off connecting with anyone else ever again. Or if I do, I should just only talk about what they want and not food them with my intense personality. Why can't I just be content single, I have been most of my life, I'm 30 years old. But I've been feeling loveless and lonely. It's obvious that I'll just push everyone away forever. Truly disheartening. I honestly think I should give up on meeting people and just be content with being single and my small burn lose friendship group. Everyone new thinks I'm crazy, eventually. 🤣🤔 x
Don't give up, it's better to always try and fail than to never try and never meet the opportunity, Love is not something easily found, most people don't even know what true love means, it's not something one can plan or even try to find. Love comes when we least expect it, its a rush and its magical. I find sometimes people are trying to hard to find it and end up pushing it away, dont forget about love but dont try search for it. When its meant it will happen.
 
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Wherewindblows

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2020
Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
Men are less likely to want to deal with that.. it's just not who they are. Can you go slower with them? Leave them wanting to know more.
I will try my best. I struggle with flooding them with info and idealising them too quickly. Great advice. Thanks
 
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Wherewindblows

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2020
Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
Don't give up, it's better to always try and fail than to never try and never meet the opportunity, Love is not something easily found, most people don't even know what true love means, it's not something one can plan or even try to find. Love comes when we least expect it, its a rush and its magical. I find sometimes people are trying to hard to find it and end up pushing it away, dont forget about love but dont try search for it. When its meant it will happen.
Wonderful message and advice, I never thought of it like that. I knew I shouldn't search for it, but I just never understood why. Now it really makes sense. I'm going to stop searching and hope it happens naturally, my dear of abandonment and being alone has lead me to search, which is going to leave me with a heap of disappointment. Thanks again 🤗
 
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Wherewindblows

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Joined
Jul 18, 2020
Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
It's hard when you have a string of unstable relationships, none of which were truly fulfilling or made me happy. I was much more disorderly then, I can't help that, since I've 'improved' I feel like I am ready to meet the 'right' person, someone compatible, but I need to consider the fact that most people can't handle someone like me and I cannot handle having a string of disappointing encounters. It is ultimately best that I wait and stop searching. It's clearly bringing me down. I thought I was smarter than this, I need to stop being so impulsive and impatient x
 
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Wherewindblows

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Joined
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Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
Why am I trying to find someone to make me happy? I should be happy on my own. It's absurd. I contradict myself all the time, I claim I'm content with being alone and independent which I have been for years, but then I get lonely and want companionship and affection. I am relatively attractive and men always try to get with me so the temptation is there, I need to remove that temptation (delete dating apps, dating sites) because it never ends well. I find it difficult to connect with anyone to begin with! Ahhh im such a mess lol x
 
Someone_alone

Someone_alone

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May 15, 2020
Messages
58
Location
South Africa
Why am I trying to find someone to make me happy? I should be happy on my own. It's absurd. I contradict myself all the time, I claim I'm content with being alone and independent which I have been for years, but then I get lonely and want companionship and affection. I am relatively attractive and men always try to get with me so the temptation is there, I need to remove that temptation (delete dating apps, dating sites) because it never ends well. I find it difficult to connect with anyone to begin with! Ahhh im such a mess lol x
Happiness is found within, never externally. We may find joy externally but true contentment is only achievable within oneself. Start delving deep into yourself, love yourself for everything that you are. We must first love ourselves before loving others otherwise a stir of issues can arise.
 
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Wherewindblows

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2020
Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
Happiness is found within, never externally. We may find joy externally but true contentment is only achievable within oneself. Start delving deep into yourself, love yourself for everything that you are. We must first love ourselves before loving others otherwise a stir of issues can arise.
A wise person indeed!
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

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Aug 12, 2019
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292
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West London
The initial post resonated with me a lot because the person depicted sounded very much like myself, both for better and for worse. There are definitely positive aspects to me - I'm reasonably intelligent, possess some strong and varied aptitudes and interests, have a lively sense of humour, and I'm generally able to make and keep friends (massive BPD blowouts notwithstanding...), but I too am very intense, and I know people find it difficult being close to that. I try to remain conscious of the fact so I can modulate it, but I often get caught up in a moment and forget to rein myself back in.

Conversely though, I can often get frustrated by and quickly bored with small talk... it's never long before I start craving something 'deeper' from the interaction, so where others can find me to be 'too much', on the flip side I find that a lot of people aren't stimulating enough for me.

Men are less likely to want to deal with that.. it's just not who they are. Can you go slower with them? Leave them wanting to know more.
Speaking as a male myself, as much as I believe it's best to try and avoid man/woman generalisations I think that this particular one is true. Going back to what I wrote above, I tend to prefer the company of women to other men because a lot of guys lack both 'depth' within themselves and the ability to cope with it in other people, and so their company can be somewhat unfulfilling due to interactions with them often being vapid and lacking in nuance, especially in an emotional context. Some men almost seem to have a seizure when you try to discuss feelings with them - you can see in their poor eyes how their brains are overloading - while others are just basically brain dead in this capacity, and their eyes dull from the complete failure to process something that is and always will be way beyond them.

What I will say though is that I'm not sure many women are willing to deal with BPD tendencies in men... in my experience women can and do take me at a platonic level, but there's very much a barrier about going further. What muddies the water here is that I'm not physically attractive, which I know for a fact has been the decisive issue on occasion, but I have been explicitly told in as many words that my intensity is offputting in a romantic context.

I just think that many people - men and women alike - want their relationships to be as 'light' and 'easy' as possible, and BPD is neither light nor easy; not for those of us with it, nor for those who get close to it.

Why am I trying to find someone to make me happy? I should be happy on my own. It's absurd. I contradict myself all the time, I claim I'm content with being alone and independent which I have been for years, but then I get lonely and want companionship and affection. I am relatively attractive and men always try to get with me so the temptation is there, I need to remove that temptation (delete dating apps, dating sites) because it never ends well. I find it difficult to connect with anyone to begin with! Ahhh im such a mess lol x
I can identify with your feelings here... sometimes it's like a pushmepullyou in my head, as I go back and forth between being at peace with singledom and having bursts of not just wanting, but needing, to be with someone. Or, at the very least, needing to feel attractive. Not very masculine I know, but if I can't be honest on here then what's the point of writing?

The bursts of desire/need are diminishing, but I think that's partly to do with age (I'm 42), and partly due to having been single for so long (15 years) that I think I've gotten more and more comfortable with the situation as it's become very much the norm for me; nowadays, the idea of dating and relationships is this scary 'Other' parallel world that I can see and yet feel shut off from.

As frustrating as the back and forth is for you, try not to be too harsh on yourself about struggling to feel entirely - and/or consistently - happy on your own. As much as people go on about how we 'should' be self-sufficient in every way, nevertheless at any given time the majority of people are in relationships, and many of those who aren't wish they were. I know that BPD neediness can be next level stuff, but it's not as though there isn't plenty of it in the 'healthy' population.

What I try to remember when I start feeling a craving for someone else are the positives to being single, which ultimately add up to a distinct amount of power. You can't be dumped, cheated on, or rejected, you have complete autonomy over your free time, and steering well clear of even trying to get into a relationship has really calmed down my BPD... I like the peace and stability of asexuality, and when I think about the too-high highs and too-low lows of wanting a specific person I feel relieved at being well away from all of that.
 
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Nukelavee

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Dec 17, 2019
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London, ON
You can't be dumped, cheated on, or rejected, you have complete autonomy over your free time, and steering well clear of even trying to get into a relationship has really calmed down my BPD... I like the peace and stability of asexuality, and when I think about the too-high highs and too-low lows of wanting a specific person I feel relieved at being well away from all of that.
You and me, Ozy - I've found the same thing.

PArt of my issue is that I exhibit enough intensity to be interesting (plus, I can be charming as hell, and talk about anything, really), but people are unprepared for just how intense I can be. Plus, I'm good at not giving away what I'm thinking or feeling, so good, I didn't/don't realize how good I am at it.

So, while I feel like I have my heart on my sleeve, I absolutely don't. so, despite me being very interested in somebody, they think I don't care much.

Plus - I rarely meet somebody that triggers true interest in me. Physical attraction, sure, that happens, but I have to actually find people interesting beyond how they look.

So, basically, I have to be utterly smitten to show any sign at all, or to act.

Mind you, add in the PTSD and disocciation that happens with intimacy, and abandonment issues, things get ugly.

Ironically, my neighbour has given me several compliments in the last month of hanging out, although I'm fairly certain she has no real interest.
 
Z

Zaz

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Sep 1, 2020
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UK
Some judgements about men in these posts. I could say the same about women. If as a man you open up about your darker feelings to a woman I've always found they can't get away quick enough. No job, no car, no home and your kindness, caring nature, loyalty and honesty counts for very little. Just to balance things a bit there lol there's good and bad on both sides. Just because I've had many terrible experiences with women doesn't mean they're all the same. But if being a kind, warm hearted, caring loving person isn't enough then it's not worth the pain that will surely follow. Just a wee heads up for all the decent men out there lol 👍
 
A

Andrew31

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Jul 22, 2020
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Albuquerque, New Mexico
You dont have to worry about all that. Theres always reasons things of that sort never work out and I find that one person with a certain problem getting with a person with the same problem causes, well, problems. I have the same problem with Romantic attachments and haven't found a solution for it. I feel it's one of these things that happens when it's supposed to. I wouldn't worry about catching the eye of someone unless you yourself feel worthy of it.
Plus it's easy to give advice about things like this in theory but in practice theres the unpredictability and selfish natures of many people to navigate thru. It's a tough war to fight. I dont think it should be worth it to you if it isnt worth it to them. I'm also intense and it comes across as off to others, not normal, whatever. It's understandable for others to want to be around more laid back "chill" types and it certainly doesnt make it fair to us. But the intense ones are around in the same predicament. It's not always our fault. Some people are either flaky or not very tolerable. But it's good to get a handle on it. I suppose everything has it's time and place. I get a little too deep into subjects myself so I understand the struggle.
 
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