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I no longer want to live.

MrBond007

MrBond007

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 16, 2020
Messages
78
Location
England
Okay so, if anyone is familiar with my recent threads on this site then you would know I've not been going through the best of times recently. Especially these last 4-6 weeks where my anxiety has been going into hyperdrive about things I would've never gave a second thought about 1-2+ years ago. I always worry about such insignificant things to the point where I no longer feel happy, enthusiastic or motivated to do anything anymore. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression for years, and I currently take medication (20mg Fluoxetine). It's been getting to the point where I find it so hard to get out of bed at all. Normally I would have a major worry that would be on my mind for some time, but eventually they will fade off at some point (may return briefly at a later point but at least I have some breathing space of not feeling so bad about it). But now it feels like them rainclouds won't go away. I just cannot feel happy or enthusiastic to do or even think about doing the things I would normally enjoy doing. I worry about things that are totally normal and I don't even know why. I question things all the time (i.e why is that thing a certain colour, shape, size, feel, look, sound? Or what does that person see, feel, think about me?). I'd hate to barrage all my threads on this one post, but I feel like I wanna list some of many major anxieties/depressive episodes I've been going through recently (for anyone reading you don't have to read the threads if you so wish, I just put them there because I figured it might make it easier for people to understand and would just give things a little bit more context):

Anxiety attacks over things that are completely normal for no reason. +Depression Started becoming anxious today over a bug in a game I've had for 8 years. Started to feel anxious recently about something completely irrational (OCD) Worried about my PC's performance. : I have been anxious over a bunch of video games, programs and digital projects (developing games and modpacks for games, something I used to adore doing and planning). It's not like I would be doing work on them, make a mistake and cause a problem that would make me feel anxious/stressed about it. I would literally just wake up one day and suddenly start feeling anxious over a certain factor in one of these programs (even if they are completely normal and there is nothing I can do about them, for example why does a certain object have to look like that, why is it that colour, why is it that shade of colour, why does it do that, why does it feel too slow, too fast, too easy, too excessive, etc), keep in mind I would make no changes to a certain program for me to start feeling like this (I mean I haven't made any changes to my projects for years and during that time period I was happy with them). Again I can be perfectly fine and contempt with things one day and then all of the sudden I would wake up one morning (when my cortisol levels are high), I question something for about 2 seconds and then boom, I'm constantly overthinking and anxious about it for the rest of the day if not days, weeks, months etc. These are things that I would've never bothered or even gave a second thought about 1-2+ years ago, so why is it now I have only started to feel anxious about them? As a matter a fact most of these things I used to actually admire at one point, but now I just feel anxious over them, out of the blue, for no reason whatsoever. It almost feels like my mind is getting bored and is actively looking for something to be anxious about regardless of how normal/small it is. Anyway it's gotten to the point where I have just completely lost passion with my projects at the moment which has been really getting me down since I would normally aim at these when I am currently going through a bad/difficult point in my life for some form of motivation or drive. Growing up I have always turned to things like this because it gave me something to look forward to/be enthusiastic about, for when I finally complete said project or game. (I create mods/modpacks for games. Minecraft and GTA SA are two of the main ones, and are the ones I am mostly feeling anxious over)

Depressed, love-sick and hungover. Am I sexually frustrated? (mature) Not very optimistic on my future career : I know this may sounds really immature and childish for a post of this nature. But I have been feeling pretty bad over a certain person I have/had a crush on (I've already posted a few threads of the situation so I won't get into too much detail). I have liked this girl (whom is my friend) from my college course for a good while now. I actually asked her out at some point (Rejection advice?) but she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship at the time, which was understandable because we was both extremely busy but to be honest I just saw that as a polite way of her saying no haha. Anyways I know I've probably fallen into a trap here but even after being rejected by her, It still didn't stop me from liking her. As I mentioned I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression for a long time, and so whenever I start feeling anxious, depressed, stressed, having trouble sleeping, etc I would often fantasize about her and imagine I am with her, and normally that would help me feel more relaxed/go to sleep. I read an article the other day that to a certain extent it is normal and healthy for humans to often fantasize/sexualize about other people when they are stressed, but I can't confirm the legitimacy of that. I mean it would indeed relax me most times, but it is still quite frustrating knowing that I can't have her/see her in that way.

As I've mentioned in a previous thread it would sometimes make me sexually irritated. I feel so creepy and weird for feeling like this but I know it has gotten to a point where this "infatuation" is starting to feel unhealthy. As of recently she has been appearing in my dreams much more frequently and that has been making me even more frustrated with myself. Especially when this specific person is coming up in the industry we are in (performing arts) and has already been in a few TV shows/programs/dramas and is relatively successful as well as having a successful mother and father. I on the other hand have not been in anything like that as of yet, which has been making me quite frustrated with myself as well as envious of her. Not in a way that I don't want her to succeed because I definitely do. She is a really good person and she deserves it for working so hard. I just really wish I was rid of this burden of anxiety and depression where I can actually genuinely go out, improve and try things to the fullest of my ability (as well as get back into better shape I hate the way I look (stretch marks, double chin, etc)). I also wish I had more ties with people from the industry because I am from a working class family (typical jobs for us have always been stuff such as working in factories, warehouses, taxi driving etc). Her on the other hand, both of her parents are/have been a part of the industry, specifically her dad whom is quite a popular script writer. I like to think we are still friends seeing as we both still seem to get a long in college as us all in our circle of friends (there is only like 8 of us in the course). I still tend to overanalyze and overthink anything and everything she says/does to me. I am just scared some of my actions or opinions might make her see me less of a likeable person. Especially when she is so kind and innocent herself. I also tend to get jealous when my friends talk with her and make her laugh because I often feel like I am not interesting/amusing enough in comparison to them. I mean I have talked to her and made her laugh a bunch of times before, and she actually said I'm really funny. Maybe I am just being overly protective and selfish. But overall the entire situation has me feeling really down.

I am also overtly angry and frustrated on a daily basis from a situation nearly 11 months ago (Can't stop thinking about an altercation from 6 months ago.). I think about this situation every single day and the more I think about it, the more I just wanna hurt people like this. I live in quite a rough town in the northwest of England, and it really aggravates me on how much scum parade up and down these streets (Looking for a way to calm down since I am always so angry and I don't know how to stop.).

Anyway, what I've just posted is an example of hundreds of things I am currently going through, and it's just been getting really difficult these past recent weeks, to the point where I really don't wanna get up and go to college anymore. There was once a time I would love to go to college and act and be in different scenarios to explore new characters. But now it feels like that passion is long gone and I just wanna be home every single day. As of right now I have 2 and a bit months left of college before I finish it entirely and as of the moment, that is what I am currently aiming for because I am just so burned out and stressed from all of this. And in regards to this girl even if she doesn't see me in that way I still really wanna be friends with her (since me and her used to talk quite a lot on how we where both feeling to one another at some point but she doesn't really use the social media I have her on anymore, I am not sure why). The issue is, we only have like 2 months left of college until we finish and go to separate universities/jobs, and plus she lives quite far from me, along with her never using the social media I have her on anymore, I'm afraid I might never see or hear from her again. Which has been getting me even more down about it. If it's any constellation I still have her phone number but I really doubt if there would ever be a point in time where I feel it's really appropriate to phone her for whatever reason. The whole idea of not being able to see her again, even as a friend has got me really down.

I've been planning on taking some time off from college recently. I still went today but I went home early because I had a doctors appoint to tell him how I was feeling such as being overtly anxious, depressed, not wanting to be around anymore, etc. I was prescribed stronger medicine (40mg Fluoxetine I presume). But anyways I have been thinking about taking a few days off because of how I've been feeling and how I feel at college. I'm kinda of stuck in two minds about it at the moment. I don't wanna go because of how anxious/depressed I am and I feel like that would heavily distract me in college (which it does) but at the same time I don't wanna stay home because I would feel miserable about missing out and interacting with certain people, even if said person might make me feel bad anyway, I still really like her company and being around her. The whole situation has been very confusing and upsetting😢


P.S I might add more on to this post at a later date because there is still a lot of stuff I wanna mention as to why I have been feeling like the way I do, but as of right now I am going to get some rest.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
6,889
Location
Sheffield
It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
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