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I no longer want the baby

D

Dylan33

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Joined
Jul 27, 2020
Messages
8
Location
NG32
Hi, I'm 29 weeks pregnant and feeling so desperate and depressed. All was going well until the build up to the 20 week scan. I felt a lot of pressure put on me by my partner to find the gender out, it was all he seemed to care about. Due to me not being able to lie flat for long because of anxiety attacks and the fetal movements they were unable to get all the required measurements yet alone sex the baby. I felt like I had let my partner down. He booked a private scan and we found out it was a boy, not a girl he so desperately wanted. This scan completely changed him, he says now that it scared him as made him realise the whole thing was now a reality, with this came a complete lack of support and coldness for about a month. I lay there one morning having an anxiety attack struggling to breath, with blood pouring out my nose and vomiting. He simply lay there looking at me with me begging him to help me. I went to the doctors to ask for help. I was 22 weeks so enquired into a late termination, adoption and help available. I found I couldn't go through with the termination. I was seen by the crisis team who referred me to the perinatal team. They have put me on medication and I see a councillor but my mood just won't lift. My partner now insists he wants the baby but I have lost so much trust in him and am waiting for him to freak out again at any time, I even doubt he will turn up when I go into labour. The whole situation has plummeted me into bad depression and anxiety and my mood just won't lift. I don't feel any maternal instincts towards the baby and desperately wish I wasn't pregnant. I did feel the best way forwards would be adoption, almost like a surrogacy so that the baby came out of me straight into the arms of his new, loving family however I know my partner would contest this and they wouldn't let me adopt the baby without speaking to him first. He's someone who prior to being with me has only ever known a life of drink and drugs so I fear he would go back to this lifestyle should be split and I wouldn't want this for the baby. At the end of the day it didn't ask to be made so it deserves to have the best done by it which I don't feel is with either him, me or collectively as a couple now very much on the rocks.
 
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Keesha

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I have no suggestions as to what to do but I wish you the best outcome for both you and your child. Remember that pregnancy changes your hormones which has a direct impact on your moods. I think acknowledging this info might help you some.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
Welcome to the forum, glad you have the crisis team and the perinatal team as well.
I'm so sorry your going thru this, we can be here to chat to and listen.
You've gone thru such a lot, you are very brave.
However lots of people do improve and become great mums.
Do you have any family support?
Would maybe relationship counselling help relate might help.
Hugs lots
 
D

Dylan33

Member
Joined
Jul 27, 2020
Messages
8
Location
NG32
I have no suggestions as to what to do but I wish you the best outcome for both you and your child. Remember that pregnancy changes your hormones which has a direct impact on your moods. I think acknowledging this info might help you some.
Hi, thank you for your reply. I do understand that pregnancy hormones will have an impact I just struggle to identify what's the huge mess I have got myself into and what are hormones as feel awful most of the time.
 
D

Dylan33

Member
Joined
Jul 27, 2020
Messages
8
Location
NG32
Hi,
Welcome to the forum, glad you have the crisis team and the perinatal team as well.
I'm so sorry your going thru this, we can be here to chat to and listen.
You've gone thru such a lot, you are very brave.
However lots of people do improve and become great mums.
Do you have any family support?
Would maybe relationship counselling help relate might help.
Hugs lots
I really don't feel brave, I feel abnormal, crazy even, but thank you for saying that. I have support more from a few friends rather than family but feel like I'm going round and round in circles when I talk to them and don't want them to tire of me. I've considered relate but I guess my immediate plan was to get me stronger within myself, I'm working on self love or at least acceptance as I feel I'm the one who has always held the relationship up. If I'm ok we are ok. The one time I asked him for some help because I felt emotionally overwhelmed me left me hanging.
 
K

Keesha

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
1,759
Location
N/A
Hi, thank you for your reply. I do understand that pregnancy hormones will have an impact I just struggle to identify what's the huge mess I have got myself into and what are hormones as feel awful most of the time.
That’s completely understandable. I wouldn’t know either if I were in your shoes. I wish I could offer you some wise advise but I think there are others with more knowledge about these things than me. Remember to take good care of yourself as you are going through this. You need love and compassion as well as some guidance from others. Again, I wish you the best in your personal journey.
 
D

Dylan33

Member
Joined
Jul 27, 2020
Messages
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Location
NG32
That’s completely understandable. I wouldn’t know either if I were in your shoes. I wish I could offer you some wise advise but I think there are others with more knowledge about these things than me. Remember to take good care of yourself as you are going through this. You need love and compassion as well as some guidance from others. Again, I wish you the best in your personal journey.
Thank you for your kind words.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
You can talk to us anytime, glad you have friends trying to support you.
Well done for working on you, we believe in you.
Hugs
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Messages
10,676
Location
UK
Hi Dylan

Hang in there! :hug: You're in the third trimester of pregnancy and your oestrogen and progesterone levels are very high. They'll peak by around 32 weeks but please bear in mind your hormone levels are six times higher than pre-pregancy and it does make us very emotional and confused.

Lots of women feel immense pressure during pregnancy - a need to glide through the process with an ethereal glow and an intimate relationship with their 'bump'. It's not realistic and just isn't the case for the majority of us...magazines, pregnant celebrities and glossy photos in pregnancy manuals perpetuate this myth. We feel pressured about scan photos, acing our breathing classes...feeling as if we're weird and non-maternal because we haven't painted a nursery or picked out the latest bottle steriliser. :eek2:

It's NORMAL for men to freak out about their responsibilities as a father - your partner's wobble is perfectly natural. It's completely normal for you to feel numb and disconnected - your body is full of hormones affecting your emotions and I've never met a woman yet who wasn't anxious about motherhood or frightened that they couldn't feel a connection to the baby they were yet to meet.:hug:

I think @Mayflower7 gave you good advice in seeking counselling together so you can both talk through your fears with a trained professional so you can work together as a team. You also need the reassurance that everything you are thinking and feeling is completely normal.

Do you have a mum or aunt you can talk to...or a female friend who has children? You really need a hug and to hear someone laugh and say "Yep, I remember that".

Sending you so much love right now and hope you and your partner can open up to each other and come through this. xxx
 
S

Shlink

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
Messages
96
Location
Britain
Hi, I'm 29 weeks pregnant and feeling so desperate and depressed. All was going well until the build up to the 20 week scan. I felt a lot of pressure put on me by my partner to find the gender out, it was all he seemed to care about. Due to me not being able to lie flat for long because of anxiety attacks and the fetal movements they were unable to get all the required measurements yet alone sex the baby. I felt like I had let my partner down. He booked a private scan and we found out it was a boy, not a girl he so desperately wanted. This scan completely changed him, he says now that it scared him as made him realise the whole thing was now a reality, with this came a complete lack of support and coldness for about a month. I lay there one morning having an anxiety attack struggling to breath, with blood pouring out my nose and vomiting. He simply lay there looking at me with me begging him to help me. I went to the doctors to ask for help. I was 22 weeks so enquired into a late termination, adoption and help available. I found I couldn't go through with the termination. I was seen by the crisis team who referred me to the perinatal team. They have put me on medication and I see a councillor but my mood just won't lift. My partner now insists he wants the baby but I have lost so much trust in him and am waiting for him to freak out again at any time, I even doubt he will turn up when I go into labour. The whole situation has plummeted me into bad depression and anxiety and my mood just won't lift. I don't feel any maternal instincts towards the baby and desperately wish I wasn't pregnant. I did feel the best way forwards would be adoption, almost like a surrogacy so that the baby came out of me straight into the arms of his new, loving family however I know my partner would contest this and they wouldn't let me adopt the baby without speaking to him first. He's someone who prior to being with me has only ever known a life of drink and drugs so I fear he would go back to this lifestyle should be split and I wouldn't want this for the baby. At the end of the day it didn't ask to be made so it deserves to have the best done by it which I don't feel is with either him, me or collectively as a couple now very much on the rocks.
If you were to separate and he went back to dysfunctional drug lifestyle then you would be able to suspend visits presumably, though stressful of course.

Is there any other particular reason you think he'll freak out again?
 
D

Dylan33

Member
Joined
Jul 27, 2020
Messages
8
Location
NG32
Hi Dylan

Hang in there! :hug: You're in the third trimester of pregnancy and your oestrogen and progesterone levels are very high. They'll peak by around 32 weeks but please bear in mind your hormone levels are six times higher than pre-pregancy and it does make us very emotional and confused.

Lots of women feel immense pressure during pregnancy - a need to glide through the process with an ethereal glow and an intimate relationship with their 'bump'. It's not realistic and just isn't the case for the majority of us...magazines, pregnant celebrities and glossy photos in pregnancy manuals perpetuate this myth. We feel pressured about scan photos, acing our breathing classes...feeling as if we're weird and non-maternal because we haven't painted a nursery or picked out the latest bottle steriliser. :eek2:

It's NORMAL for men to freak out about their responsibilities as a father - your partner's wobble is perfectly natural. It's completely normal for you to feel numb and disconnected - your body is full of hormones affecting your emotions and I've never met a woman yet who wasn't anxious about motherhood or frightened that they couldn't feel a connection to the baby they were yet to meet.:hug:

I think @Mayflower7 gave you good advice in seeking counselling together so you can both talk through your fears with a trained professional so you can work together as a team. You also need the reassurance that everything you are thinking and feeling is completely normal.

Do you have a mum or aunt you can talk to...or a female friend who has children? You really need a hug and to hear someone laugh and say "Yep, I remember that".

Sending you so much love right now and hope you and your partner can open up to each other and come through this. xxx
Thank you for your supportive reply. This isn't my first baby, my son is 16 and my pregnancy with him was very different. I felt scared and anxious but at no point did I not want him. Maybe the difference was my husband at the time was very solid and supportive.

I have some friends who support me and my mum to a certain extent but at home I guess I feel very lonely. I'm usually a very independent person but right now I feel I need to be scooped up and looked after, that's just not something he is able to do however.
 
D

Dylan33

Member
Joined
Jul 27, 2020
Messages
8
Location
NG32
If you were to separate and he went back to dysfunctional drug lifestyle then you would be able to suspend visits presumably, though stressful of course.

Is there any other particular reason you think he'll freak out again?
Thank you for your reply.
I've sought some advice regarding what custody he could get and it's all very difficult to prove i.e even if it was proven he was back on drugs and drinking heavily he could simply say he only does it when he doesn't have the child. This is why I thought adoption would be the kindest thing for the baby however he would definitely go for custody therefore the child would be in an even worse position. I feel I'm trapped.

I don't know for definite he will freak out again, he's just lost my trust now.
 
S

Shlink

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
Messages
96
Location
Britain
Thank you for your reply.
I've sought some advice regarding what custody he could get and it's all very difficult to prove i.e even if it was proven he was back on drugs and drinking heavily he could simply say he only does it when he doesn't have the child. This is why I thought adoption would be the kindest thing for the baby however he would definitely go for custody therefore the child would be in an even worse position. I feel I'm trapped.

I don't know for definite he will freak out again, he's just lost my trust now.
Sorry for only replying neutrally initially as a guy, I do feel for you that you're in a vulnerable situation with such responsibility, and he should have been more supportive of you.
 
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