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I Never Thought Of Myself As Bipolar

  • Thread starter SlowMotionApocalypse
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SlowMotionApocalypse

New member
Joined
Nov 18, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Los Angeles, CA
(This was written primarily for now mostly orphaned forums where I had decades long presence so some of the stuff within like references to my almost complete lack of dating & relationship experience, being a low wage worker and alluding to past mental health issues are meant for an audience familiar with my posting history. Meeting women and two who want to see me more than once is a BIG deal. Used to be depressed for months or years at a time but that has mostly faded. Never seen or spoken with a professional. As a matter of fact since 1992 my only medical attention has been the occasional AIDS test or flu shot. Late 40s male. Almost no mental health issues related to COVID-19 that I am aware of.)





But after googling "Manic Phase" I came across all sorts of interesting reading and this pretty much explains an experience that lasted most of October and I was just trying to figure out how to get the feeling back.

I mean I have definite mental issues for sure.

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:

Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable. (In my case it was high and optimistic)
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers.
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic.
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up.
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next.
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate.
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness.
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences.
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases).

However it had a definite catalyst when I got asked on an unexpected second date (and an in home date, my home at that) and decided to quit smoking pot (after ten years I relapsed during the summer) and spend a week straight cleaning.

My mind started racing (see my posting flood), I started sleeping 4 hours a night and probably talked to my roommate more in the space of a few weeks than I had in 11 years.

In that time period I

Lost a lot of weight. My metabolism sped up and an additional ten pounds melted off (since regained). I was almost 140 and my roommate said I was looking gaunt. But then I would run to the top of the local ridge (2600ft?) at the crack of dawn on an empty stomach 5-6 days a week during this time. However due to racing thoughts, it was hard to listen to podcasts during this time. I was wondering if I was sick I was so skinny but I felt too great!


Wrote a tribute to my deceased uncle that garnered all sorts of praise when my mom posted it to Facebook. It made her cry. Started working on more writing projects.

Went out on a several dates including a lawyer and a professional jazz musician. One grew some legs into additional dates and the jazz musician after one date kept up communication for a month making it clear the only deal breaker was my lack of driver's license (which of course I already knew).

Convinced myself this weird thing from earlier in the year which troubled me greatly actually improved my confidence and self-esteem making all the above possible. Now not so sure.

Made a new hiking friend.

Convinced my friend who has a vintage clothing company to hire me as a model (never came to fruition, couldn't get my fingers moving to answer his text trying to set it up last week and I am ten pounds over what I told him last month).

Said good morning to everyone from my front door all the way to the top of the mountain and back and convinced myself, along with all the other displays of outgoing personality I can never conjure up, that I was engaging in cognitive behavioral therapy and finally rebuilding my personality from the ground up.

Cleaned my room.

Completely fearless.

Also family drama I have been trying to avoid close contact with for 8+ years I finally jumped in the middle and started swinging. That might have not been good.

So perhaps the daily smoking for a few months reset my system for a few weeks? Or maybe I really am bi-polar? That's what I wasn't trying to diagnose, I wanted to find out how to get the feeling back, without smoking myself into oblivion for a few months straight first.

And on to the crash.

Was it the continuing ricocheting effects of my participation in the family drama that started to wear me down? Frustration with the lack of traction with all the women I am meeting (though I have no idea what I want out of this)?

My knees started to hurt derailing the daily early morning hikes. And it started to get cold so I also attributed internal personal changes to that. Don't want to hike in anything but shorts and T shirt anyway.

So that completely blew a difficult but fulfilling routine I made for myself. Not really interested in the exercise bike or resistance bands anymore.

And I do have memories of these manic phases before, few and far between over the years but few accomplishments can be tied to them.

Except for the major life shift that happened in 2014. It was more a moment of chance than anything but stumbling across a verifiable hey I can make money off this without moving much more than my fingers that led me to seek out a few similar opportunities and within 18 months allowed me to quit my McJob (hey I really was making less than 20k a year up til 2013, was never lying about that) and why even now I am not worried about work. I made 6 figures 3 years in a row.

At the time I attributed it to experimenting with a Piracetam/Oxiracetam/Noopept combo, both a certain device that stimulates physical pleasure (think massager) and getting more action leading to better mental well being where I can think of things more clearly. Now I am not so sure?

I mean it's obvious I have abilities and potential here and it shouldn't take freak mental events to unleash them.

So, am I bi-polar or not? And regardless of what the answer is, how do I get that feeling back?
 
h_put2021

h_put2021

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2020
Messages
48
Location
Atlanta, GA
(This was written primarily for now mostly orphaned forums where I had decades long presence so some of the stuff within like references to my almost complete lack of dating & relationship experience, being a low wage worker and alluding to past mental health issues are meant for an audience familiar with my posting history. Meeting women and two who want to see me more than once is a BIG deal. Used to be depressed for months or years at a time but that has mostly faded. Never seen or spoken with a professional. As a matter of fact since 1992 my only medical attention has been the occasional AIDS test or flu shot. Late 40s male. Almost no mental health issues related to COVID-19 that I am aware of.)





But after googling "Manic Phase" I came across all sorts of interesting reading and this pretty much explains an experience that lasted most of October and I was just trying to figure out how to get the feeling back.

I mean I have definite mental issues for sure.

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:

Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable. (In my case it was high and optimistic)
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers.
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic.
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up.
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next.
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate.
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness.
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences.
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases).

However it had a definite catalyst when I got asked on an unexpected second date (and an in home date, my home at that) and decided to quit smoking pot (after ten years I relapsed during the summer) and spend a week straight cleaning.

My mind started racing (see my posting flood), I started sleeping 4 hours a night and probably talked to my roommate more in the space of a few weeks than I had in 11 years.

In that time period I

Lost a lot of weight. My metabolism sped up and an additional ten pounds melted off (since regained). I was almost 140 and my roommate said I was looking gaunt. But then I would run to the top of the local ridge (2600ft?) at the crack of dawn on an empty stomach 5-6 days a week during this time. However due to racing thoughts, it was hard to listen to podcasts during this time. I was wondering if I was sick I was so skinny but I felt too great!


Wrote a tribute to my deceased uncle that garnered all sorts of praise when my mom posted it to Facebook. It made her cry. Started working on more writing projects.

Went out on a several dates including a lawyer and a professional jazz musician. One grew some legs into additional dates and the jazz musician after one date kept up communication for a month making it clear the only deal breaker was my lack of driver's license (which of course I already knew).

Convinced myself this weird thing from earlier in the year which troubled me greatly actually improved my confidence and self-esteem making all the above possible. Now not so sure.

Made a new hiking friend.

Convinced my friend who has a vintage clothing company to hire me as a model (never came to fruition, couldn't get my fingers moving to answer his text trying to set it up last week and I am ten pounds over what I told him last month).

Said good morning to everyone from my front door all the way to the top of the mountain and back and convinced myself, along with all the other displays of outgoing personality I can never conjure up, that I was engaging in cognitive behavioral therapy and finally rebuilding my personality from the ground up.

Cleaned my room.

Completely fearless.

Also family drama I have been trying to avoid close contact with for 8+ years I finally jumped in the middle and started swinging. That might have not been good.

So perhaps the daily smoking for a few months reset my system for a few weeks? Or maybe I really am bi-polar? That's what I wasn't trying to diagnose, I wanted to find out how to get the feeling back, without smoking myself into oblivion for a few months straight first.

And on to the crash.

Was it the continuing ricocheting effects of my participation in the family drama that started to wear me down? Frustration with the lack of traction with all the women I am meeting (though I have no idea what I want out of this)?

My knees started to hurt derailing the daily early morning hikes. And it started to get cold so I also attributed internal personal changes to that. Don't want to hike in anything but shorts and T shirt anyway.

So that completely blew a difficult but fulfilling routine I made for myself. Not really interested in the exercise bike or resistance bands anymore.

And I do have memories of these manic phases before, few and far between over the years but few accomplishments can be tied to them.

Except for the major life shift that happened in 2014. It was more a moment of chance than anything but stumbling across a verifiable hey I can make money off this without moving much more than my fingers that led me to seek out a few similar opportunities and within 18 months allowed me to quit my McJob (hey I really was making less than 20k a year up til 2013, was never lying about that) and why even now I am not worried about work. I made 6 figures 3 years in a row.

At the time I attributed it to experimenting with a Piracetam/Oxiracetam/Noopept combo, both a certain device that stimulates physical pleasure (think massager) and getting more action leading to better mental well being where I can think of things more clearly. Now I am not so sure?

I mean it's obvious I have abilities and potential here and it shouldn't take freak mental events to unleash them.

So, am I bi-polar or not? And regardless of what the answer is, how do I get that feeling back?
I definitely think that sounds like mania and definitely notice some similarities in your post to my own experience. Maybe seek out a psychiatrist and/or a therapist. They will really help you nail down a management plan.
 
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