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I needed to share because I never have.

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shinyhappypeople

New member
Joined
Aug 16, 2020
Messages
1
Location
UK
Hello, this is my first post on anything like this. So I might ramble. Forgive me. I just wanted to share with people who don't have a vested interest in my life I guess.

TL;DR: I just wish not wanting anything for myself was okay. I wish everyone would stop wanting things for me. But they just won't stop and I wonder if they ever will.

I am a very lucky person. I am currently at the end of my degree which was paid for by my parents. This degree is computing and it opens to the door to so many fantastic job opportunities that I can't count them. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful partner, and I am in a tip-top physical condition as far as I can tell.

But at the same time, I'm about to fail my re-take of my dissertation, meaning I will have had to stay 2 years past when my degree should have ended, and my highest possible grade is a 2.2. I don't know how to tell my parents this as I come from a family of high achievers and academics. I do not enjoy my degree (which I picked because none of my schools offered music GCSEs or A levels and my parents would have thrown a fit), and as a result am very bad at computing, as anyone who does computing will know, most people that do it, love it and are therefore amazing at it. I feel like I have failed my family at every step in my education. The only good grades I've gotten were for my GCSE's, during which our teachers did some weird shit that I'm pretty sure was cheating, which I never told anyone and feel like a fraud for.

My mum has repeatedly shared her distaste for people who work in non-degree grade jobs. I, unfortunately, am very 'happy' being a barista currently (although COVID has made me redundant). Happy in inverted commas as I, unfortunately, base my self worth on others opinions.

I'm also in a relationship and there are expectations to want things in life that I just don't. I need to want to save up for things and having a low paying job isn't going to cut it. And I do want to get things like a house but I want to take my time. So I feel like I'm destroying someone else's life by not wanting more for my own.

During all this, I have become depressed. I do not speak to people about my feelings which can't help. I either can't sleep or can't stop sleeping. My default response to most things seems to be anger. I crave solitude most of the time. I feel an intense need to push away everyone. I do not respond to messages and as a result, have effectively cut off several of my best friends. Would not clean or wash if I didn't live with someone else. I repeatedly harm myself to deal with difficult or intense emotions which is fucking weird. At my worst, I frequently think about killing myself but am too afraid of death to ever go through with it.

But at the same time, I'm totally fine with it. It feels awful but I don't care to change anything. And that's a problem because that's like the one condition for getting better: Wanting to get better. And I don't. But everyone else want's me to get better, either because they care about me and I wish they didn't like an asshole, or because my shit is directly affecting their shit. But I'm just so unmotivated to change. I actually really want this. I want to feel shit and barely function and I feel twisted and awful even more because of it. Is wanting this another symptom of wanting to be alone and cut people off? I don't know. I just feel like I'm standing on a ledge where I'm about to catastrophically disappoint my family and also destroy my relationship, and I don't want to do anything about it. I can see future me hating current me. But I just don't care. And that sucks.
 
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TimeOutForTina

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 15, 2020
Messages
66
Location
Nottingham
Can you perhaps talk with your parents shiny? You mentioned your mum, but what about your dad? I’m sure no-one wants you feeling so unhappy and distressed. Also have you spoken to your GP about your depression? Talking does help and you’ve made a good few steps towards helping yourself...just keep going, step by step, day by day x
 
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Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
421
I have done two degrees and I did not enjoy doing either of them. Most people when I was at University doing science/engineering degrees found their courses tough and I have never heard anybody in my year call the course enjoyable. OK you get people on TV saying that they enjoyed their course at university, but they have probably forgotten how tough it was for them or are exceptional people.

In the large scheme of things spending five years to do a degree does not matter as much as you may think. I know people who are at the top of their professions with pass degrees having retaken years.
 
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