• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I need your thoughts ... Please.

J

Jokull Marshall

New member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Tunisia
Hello everyone, i'm new to this kind of things, i've read several posts from other people on other forums over the years but never thought of sharing mine. And now since i'm feeling a bit better, i'm confident enough to share with you guys how i feel hoping that your feedback will help me throughout my journey.

So i've been writing this document on the span of several months during the last year, since i've found out that writing my thoughts help ease the pain a little bit and it structured my thoughts better. Over the months that i've been writing this, a lot has changed in my life, and in my way of seeing things, although most of it i still think is true and i believe it. And i couldn't write everything describing my depression, my experiences and my anxiety.

I'm sorry for the language used in this document, it was meant to be my private writing and for me only to read, but i think it makes it more expressive. and i'm sorry if it's a bit long.

I am a 27 years old man, I’m struggling with depression.

At this point, I don't know if I can trust anyone, I’m not sure if anyone cares, or if anyone is there, to listen or to understand, maybe there are some who care, but I’m not sure if it's from an entirely altruistic point of view, everyone is looking to satisfy some deep need inside of them, and they don’t care about what I need, so I go along and fill their void, I go along and share what they perceive as happiness. They end up happy, and I end up miserable, pretending to be happy, pretending to care, because I don't, I really don't. I don’t have the will to even think about someone else. I can’t think or care for someone else because there's no place in my head for that, there's no place in my mind for them, only for me, I never feel safe, I never feel peaceful, I never feel happy, I’m always scared, I’m always on alert, I’m always on edge, and I don't have anyone to protect me from that, I only have myself, I have to protect myself by any means, it's the natural thing to do, my mind is struck by countless streams of fear and agony that I don’t have the time to think about anything or anyone else.

The feeling of loneliness is so overwhelming. It's a very dark place. Every meaning of life does not exist here, all colors are desaturated to an impressive degree , this life with all it can offer is like an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in, the window to the other side is so tightly sealed, but I can see it, the other side , I can look at it, sometimes I feel the breeze coming from that window, for a slight moment I can feel a relief from that soothing stream of air, only for it to disappear suddenly. stripping me of the delusional feeling of happiness that I was so craving for, I don't know if this is what it means when they say life is unfear, I have many things in my life that others dream of : skills, material possessions, financial ease, a "family", friends ... yet the unbalance is so strong, the numerical equation results always in a number precedented by a minus, always ! No matter how large the positive number can be, it's always a large overwhelming negative number that I get for a result. I believe the elements composing the equation are wrong, I believe that I was offered the wrong elements to work with, or maybe I just suck at math, no matter the option, I couldn’t find the good results, and so the thoughts of ending this test became very familiar to my mind, what if I was not meant to succeed the test? What if all of this is a cruel joke? Because it surely feels like it, a big fat cruel joke.

My family never made me feel safe, the only entity that is supposed to do that single and only job, they failed at it miserably, with all their insecurities and misunderstandings of life, they made me feel like I can never rely on them, they made me feel like I can never trust them, they made feel lonely.

They made me crave attention, they made me lose every ounce of self-esteem and confidence in myself, and they produced a nonfunctional human being.
I inherited their thought process, I inherited their insecurities and their life misconceptions, and when life struck, it stuck hard. A feeling of loss and emptiness hit me, I had to learn how to function on my own, when it was fairly late for a change. I craved the attention of the wrong people, I couldn’t trust anyone, I didn't know how to address people because I felt like I am inferior to all of them, I was scared of them, I was scared of their judgement, I didn't know if I’m allowed to make decisions, I lived in the shadow of others, I told myself that I wasn’t good enough all the time, that I’m the one who's wrong all the time, that I was the one who should apologize because I’m the faulty piece in the system, with all my strengths and my good qualities, this brilliant individual is the broken gear in the engine and this said individual should always be the worthless broken piece that cannot fit anywhere. That is what I’ve learned from my family, these are the life lessons and the gear my family provided me with to face life.
So I went on living like this , I lived like this looking for that safe place that my parents didn’t know how to provide, or didn’t even consider important or they were stupid enough not to think about it. I’m still looking for it, I’m still lost, how am I going to fill a void that is so fundamental to a human being by myself? Where am I going to find a proper family? A proper feeling of security when no one is there to provide it, should I make myself feel secure? All by myself? I do not know how, I have never known how, I have never felt another feeling other than fear.

All my life I have felt anxious about the smallest of things : what if that thing happened? What if that person thinks this or that of me? What if my art does not please people? What if my voice is bad and people are pretending to like it? What if a policeman stops me while I’m driving? What if I say something wrong during a meeting and everyone thinks I’m stupid? How can I meet that person, they are higher than me, smarter than me? I don’t want to go outside because I don’t feel comfortable, I feel like every single person is looking at me? And the list goes on long enough that I don’t believe it can be put in text.

My family never showed me any sign of affection, I’ve never felt that, not in their words, not in their eyes, not in their behavior, they don’t know how to express it, they believe that money can buy happiness, they don’t believe in communication, they don’t believe in opening up, and descending to their child’s level, they believe that they are “the parents” they hold a higher status, and this is shown in the very small details of their behavior, no respect for the child’s opinion, because it’s a younger person than you, no respect for the child’s decision and a tendency to point out how much it is wrong, because it’s a person younger than you and “you know better”, no respect for the child’s privacy since you own the damn thing you can barge on them in their room as you wish without permission, you can speak loudly and make all sort of noises while they are sleeping, because only they should respect you and be quiet while you’re sleeping, you can decide what they should wear, where they should go, you need to know detail by detail with whom they went and when they will be back without putting any trust in them or at least pretending to do so. How can you lower yourself and apologize to your child when you’re clearly wrong? You are better than them, you should never have to apologize or to teach your children some basic human interactions, you should never let your child learn from you by opening up to them, telling them about your life, your experiences, give them advice, you know? Make them trust you and tell you their problems? no matter how little they are to you? you should never make an effort to think structurally how to teach your child the ways of life, a way of thinking, teach them how to make their own decisions. Instead point out every wrong thing they did, instead don’t let them do anything by themselves and step up every time feeling like a hero to do the right thing by yourself and they watch you helpless, not knowing whether they are wrong or they are incapable of anything, you should always look perfect from that high position of yours. you should lash out at the slightest disagreement they have with your opinion, why would your ego let a child win an argument with you? They should be punished for even having an opinion ! They should be told that “I wish I had an abortion if I knew you would become like this” because how dare they have a single thought for themselves? How dare they be themselves? How dare they love manga, and draw characters, and have ambitions to become a great artist? How dare they live up to an image that you did not imagine for them to be? How can you lower your standards, sit with your child, and listen to them? How can lower your standards and say I’m sorry? I believe the fall would be even harder and more hurtful for you if you said:
“I love you” … and you hugged them.

I am writing this on the span of several days, all my ideas are all over the place, nothing is under control and this is a very disturbing feeling. Nothing is ever clear except this burning sensation inside my chest, this feeling of fear and isolation, and the watery eyes I have out of pity for myself.

Sometimes I wish I could hug myself, sometimes I wish that this feeling would stop, that this screwed up ill mind that I have would miraculously heal, and function normally, but it never does, this macrorganism is messy this biology is messy. It’s not perfect like they say, it has never been, and if there was a creator, he owes me, and billions of other conscious creatures, an apology for his fucked up work, if anyone is responsible for this mess, my rage towards them is indescribable.

Growing up I felt like I was in a prison, mentally and physically. The overprotective nature of my parents amplified my anxiety; they held a tight grip on my freedom during my childhood, my teenager years and my college years. Instead of exposing me to the world, they sheltered me from it, to the point that it seemed like a horrific place to be in. I understand that the world is not a safe place to throw your child in, but at least be there for them to introduce them to it sometimes, and leave them on their own other times, I believe this would allow them be familiar with it, and gradually learn to function in it on their own.

My father never took me with him outside to show me the world, never gave me an advice, never sat down with me and tried to communicate. I don't know anything about him other than he is a kind of a stranger who controls me as he wishes, I don’t know what he likes, I don’t know how he thinks, I don’t know his past, how he lived and what problems he confronted. He comes home after being with his friends or whatever other places he goes to, and he isolates himself to watch "his TV" and use "his computer" and his "couch" that no one is allowed to go near them, a perfect example of a selfish person. FUCK MY FATHER, fuck that asshole my anger towards him is indescribable, now after 27 years and because he’s retired and always home he’s trying to get in touch with me when he was absent all those years. He was physically there but he was always absent fuck him. He’s toxic and unbearable I despise that fucker !!

Back to the prison that my family unconsciously built. I wished that my parents taught me how to think instead of what I should think; I wished my parents respected what I had to say and didn’t make me feel that my thoughts had no value. I wished my parents taught me that education is not the only road to success, and that I didn’t have to realize that by myself, I wished they didn’t put that pressure on me : either I succeed in education, or I will become a failure in society. They still do to this day, with the excuse that they want “the best for me”. You did not prepare me to deal with the world, so why are you expecting me to do so? Or are you ignorant enough that you do not realize the errors you made? To this day I’m barely allowed to spend a night out of the house. Or to express what I think without feeling that I’m wrong, or to decide what I do with my life without them telling me that I’m fucking wrong! What if I was wrong?? I want to be wrong, because I don’t know how it feels to be wrong and deal with the consequences, I was always kept in the shadows and people solved my problems however small they were. I want to fuck up my life the way I wanted.

Sometimes I wish I had never been born at all. I strongly believe that if you do not have what it takes to raise a child, you should never have one. I believe a child is a responsibility that you should structurally think about, a project in which you have no right to fail.
Not some blessing your god gifted you, or a step in your life that you should surpass. I believe that once you have a child, and the whole process must be carefully planned and intended, you should dedicate most of your energy to supporting them. And by supporting, them I mean supervise them, and give them the necessary tools to be functional without you. And definitely not frame their whole life inside strict boundaries created out of your insecurities. Try to understand why they behaved that way, or said such thing, or made that thing. Analyze them to try to understand them better and to know the right thing to say and to do in a difficult situation. But most importantly, be their friend.
Be there for them, so they can look up to you, your child is the reflection of your behavior.

Oh FUCK the god or gods listening to me now if they exist!! Oh the rage and anger burning inside of me for whomever or whatever made me this way !! Oh, I will shred them apart to pieces; I will skin them alive and burn every inside of them, I will pierce their hearts with a rusty nail pushing so slowly for a maximum pain. Oh I will fucking find out their worst pain and inflict it on them for an eternity, OH FUCK YOU GOD, FUCK YOU AND YOUR GAMES, FUCK YOU WRITERS OF MY STORY, FUCK YOU EVOLUTION, FUCK YOU DARWIN, FUCK YOU GENES AND SOCIETY AND MANKIND AND FUCKING EXITENCE ITSELF; FUCK YOU UNIVERSE, FUCK ALL OF YOU !!! FUCKING BURN TO ASHES, CEASE TO EXIST !!! DIE !!!

I believe it’s done for me, i dunno if this is gonna be my suicide note or just a burden release, I keep fighting this thing in me alone, I keep getting these painful feelings all day long and I don’t have anyone to talk to, I don’t feel like anyone is actually there for me, I just want to end this suffering, I feel unwanted and unloved and hurt and battered and weak and clueless.


I keep seeking the attention of my old professor who is a father figure to me and all my efforts are in vain. I keep craving that father in someone who is indifferent towards me.
I keep looking for the love of a father in every older man I see, to replace my actual father that never were there for me. The father whom presence terrified me, the father who was never supportive of me, the father who put me down several times, ridiculed my opinions, ridiculed my passions, ridiculed who I am for the sake of sounding funny or for the sake of disciplinary methods.
I keep trying to get in touch with my professor but he is never interested in me, or he feels bothered by me whenever I reach to him. I do not blame him, there is nothing to be loved or interested in to be honest.
I love that man like he was my actual father, he was kind and gentle and took me in and taught me the ways of life and work, and I repaid him with all my emotional bursts. Because I’m not balanced because I’m scared at times, because I’m emotionally unstable. I wish if I could go back in time and change all this because I fucked up so bad. I pushed someone I love away and now I feel so guilty and sad that all my efforts to fix this are not paying off, all my efforts are In vain and I feel like I’m a source of annoyance for the only person I love. Now I feel unwanted and I’m terrified that he will die someday with that image of me in his mind which is very likely.

I feel this shallow confidence that happens to me from time to time after a major depression episode, it feels like a fragile shield that is waiting impatiently for that little poke to brake and fall into pieces to reveal the ever burning sensation of extreme low self-esteem and anxiety.

I consider the man to be the father I never had, my biological father is still alive and well, but no man had made me progress in life like my professor did. No man had patience with my twisted personality as he did. My father did not show me the ways of life while I was growing up, he never gave me a responsibility or pushed me to take responsible acts, he never showed me how to tackle life problems, or to think like an adult. He’d always interfere and treat me as the child who can never do anything by himself. My professor always pushed me to do things out of my comfort zone, he knew I’m a failure and I can’t handle things. He knew I was a coward, he knew that I fail in social interactions but he kept testing me anyways, over and over until I started to think like an adult, I started to act like a responsible adult, I still have fears and doubts and anxious thoughts though, but I evolved.

My father never shared his thoughts and problems with me but my professor did, he did share his thoughts with me, he did ask my opinion on matters when he thought I could help, but my father never did. He always thought of me as a kid whose opinion didn’t matter and had no value. my professor did confess to me his deepest feelings, his joy and his sadness, his problems and his experience in life and work. my professor was there when I needed an ear to listen to me, when I needed someone to help me. I was having suicidal thoughts, and he was the first person that I’ve told about it, and he actually offered material and moral help. I had many a laugh while he was telling me his stories about his friends, about his rivals at work, about his family. He even asked me to be his partner in a business project, (but i blew it cuz i'm fuck up). I was sad when he was upset, I was upset when he told me about his struggles with debts, I got depressed when I learned about his health, I defended him when someone spoke badly of him. But honestly after 4 years knowing him I don’t know how he feels towards me. I’ve wronged him many times, I’ve said stupid things to him, I had negative thoughts about him, i said stuff that hurt him, i behaved in a bad way many times, but It was all because I was depressed and had no pleasure in life, and I did not appreciate the positive side of things in my life. I didn’t mean to do or say anything bad to him, all I wanted is his attention, all my actions are based on that. All my actions were based on love, but from a narcissistic point of view, I was selfish, I was stupid, I wasn’t authentic and genuine with him, I tried to behave in ways that I thought would make him appreciate and respect me more but I ended up screwing things up, I ended up making him dislike me and avoid me, I pushed so hard that I damaged the relationship to the point of no return.

My professor is my teacher, is my mentor, my friend, and my father. I wish I could express this in real life or to make him see this and understand this, but I blew it and I couldn’t fix it. I wish that I could change his mind. But I think it’s too late.

I find myself lately watching videos of soldiers coming home and being hugged by their family members so passionatley, i find myself watching shows of broken families that solves their problems together and love each other, and my eyes gets watery my chest starts burning and i fall into a sea of melancholy. I think about how my friends are with their families and it just tears me apart, when i see how my friends parents treat them, when i see the relationship between my boss and his son to an extent i thought impossible between father and son, and how he's so gentle and warm with his daughter, how X's father is so supportive of her and how Y's mother befriends him, how F's father shares drinks with her and M and his brother are so close and united. That's everything i wanted, i wanted to love and feel loved, all i want now is to come home and feel that warmth instead of the cold and frustrating environnement i go back to every evening after work. I want to share a laugh, share a moment, share a thought, all i want is to be able to trust my parents, to tell them about my secrets, my joy, my pain, my fears and my ambitions, but they are not trustworthy, and they are judgmental, and close minded, my mother is very passive and has a low selfesteem and very little experience in life, and my father is a tempermental selfish asshole, i tried to love them, but i never could, i did love my mother in my younger years but that faded away years ago. And now i don't love any of my family members, i imagine them dead and it doesn't move a single hair in me. I don't love them, i don't anything towards them, except for my father that i hate, and i think it's too late for me to start developping feelings for any of them.
So now I'm craving a family so bad that i try to fit myself in places i don't belong to ... and that hurts ... it hurts so bad to live among people that makes you feel lonely.

I am sitting here uncomfortably trying to write down on text my inner desires, my fantasies … my sexuality.

I have built my sexuality over the feeling of lack of security, my mind subconsciously created an imaginary safe land based on the most basic Freudian theory about sexuality and sex preferences. My mind was looking for a kind of a father figure and somehow merged it with arousal and desire, sexual attraction and at some point it became an obsession.
My grandfather was an authoritarian figure, a strong controlling man with his long macho mustache and his deep voice that shakes the deepest of souls. But he had that soft spot that shows when he is with his grandchildren, it reveals a deeper personality and a spectrum of emotions that contradicts the rough strong unshakable image that he projects to the world, it shows that the mightiest of mountains have their vulnerable spot.
At the time of writing this, I strongly believe that this exact image is what initiated my whole sexuality: “Seeing an authority figure, that represent a father figure, at his most vulnerable and weak moment”
I have fantasized about every authority figure in my life, teachers, fathers of my friends, other random older men that I imagine as a potential father figure. I have fantasized about situations in which those men feel weak, look and act weak, a moment of being tired, or a moment of physical or emotional pain, I would imagine them in need of help to feel a relief, to feel pleasure, and to surrender themselves to that vulnerable moment. And it would be more arousing for me if I was the reason for their well-being, to the point of submitting myself to whatever they need.

This is one of the major factors in my depression, i don't enjoy having sex with an older man, it feels demeaning, it feels tastless, and i don't find myself attracted to women, i'm only arroused by seeing an old man in a weak state and that's all, and this makes me think, am i doomed to live alone ? I can't even have a family of my own, i'm scared that if i start a relationship with an old man he would pass away way sooner, or should i try to start a relation with a woman even though i am not attracted to any woman and i've never had my whole life?

on the 2nd of april 2020 at night, i cried my heart out, for hours, i didn't cry for years, but that night was so intense that in the next day i felt battered and weak, i felt like my chest got beaten all night, i was shaking the whole day, and i had a different kind of burning in my chest. It was like a sore muscle. Then at night i cried again, not as much as the night before, but something happened, i snapped somehow , and i stopped feeling pity for myself, i stopped feeling anxious, and depressed, i don't know how, or why, but i felt like i went into self discovery territory ... it feels bittersweet, but has a lot of sadness in it, mixed with self acceptance, i no longer feel depressed, i just feel like i'm starting to learn how to ride the dragon.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,151
Location
Nashua NH
Hello everyone, i'm new to this kind of things, i've read several posts from other people on other forums over the years but never thought of sharing mine. And now since i'm feeling a bit better, i'm confident enough to share with you guys how i feel hoping that your feedback will help me throughout my journey.

So i've been writing this document on the span of several months during the last year, since i've found out that writing my thoughts help ease the pain a little bit and it structured my thoughts better. Over the months that i've been writing this, a lot has changed in my life, and in my way of seeing things, although most of it i still think is true and i believe it. And i couldn't write everything describing my depression, my experiences and my anxiety.

I'm sorry for the language used in this document, it was meant to be my private writing and for me only to read, but i think it makes it more expressive. and i'm sorry if it's a bit long.
I’m not sure what you would like our thoughts on.
The document you have shared is very long and many may choose not to read much of it as a result.
 
J

Jokull Marshall

New member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Tunisia
I’m not sure what you would like our thoughts on.
The document you have shared is very long and many may choose not to read much of it as a result.
I knew i should'nt have done this in the first place thanks for the feedback.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,151
Location
Nashua NH
I knew i should'nt have done this in the first place thanks for the feedback.
If you would like people’s thoughts on something then provide them with something to read that is manageable and then let them know what you seek in their response. I’m not trying to upset you but rather to let you know what we’d need to be able to help you better.
 
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