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I need your opinion / advices, i'm lost with this "friendship"..

W

Woskana

Member
Joined
Apr 28, 2021
Messages
11
Location
FRANCE
Hello there.. i'm not sure if this is a good idea, but i'm just lost completly.

English isn't my native tongue, i apologize if there is mistakes in there.

Alright, so i'm a 22 years old man, i've always been alone, no friends, no one to talks to, my family is there, but this is a kinda restricted domain, i can't talk about thoses things with them, and.. i'm gay.

I'm living in France, into a building that contains multiples appartements, in one of them alone.

An old girl classmate came back to me to "take news" and said she was actually talking with a guy living in that same building, which ended to be a neighbor of mine. I was surprised since this girl was someone very toxic (She's a liar, drama creator, that kind of stuff).

One day, i received a little paper in my mailbox "Hey it's your neighbor, text me.. (phone number + his name). I was surprised, since the girl she was talking to told me he did not wanted any "new" friends. Right now.

So i sent a message, and we talked "normally" like 2 friends, and so he asked me about the girl, because he found her pretty shady..

I told her everything i was thinking about her, so he believed me, and that confirmed I was right, she was awfull with him since then, and they finally stopped talking, and i stopped talking to her too.

It ended up SHE was the one to put the paper in my mailbox.

That's the first part of the story..

So me and the neighbor started playing on Discord, since we both like videos games, netflix and some same stuff..

What i'm misunderstanding, is that he is supposed to be straight, but can't stop joking about "gay stuff" like "between friend, it's important to help each others, like handjob, blowjob" he says while laughing hard. I went even further but well..

An incident happened once, since we talked about how open minded we could be, it appeared we are very much open minded of "much stuff" as he said. And so it went to the question i asked : "So are you gay though" ? And he instantly got upset, calling "I don't know why the hell we are again talking about this, there is nothing to tell about it" (it was the first time we talked about that) and he went silent, i went silent, so he knew he made a mistake, he tried to "talk nicely" about some games and stuff.. but it was very cold.

So 2 days after this incident, i invited him to my appartement to some kind of Party, just me and him, watching netflix while eating and just talking.

He was normal, but our eyes just could not stop looking at each others, for no particular reason, incredible good feeling, much laughing.. and yet, He was not making any sexual gay jokes this time, just one before leaving "don't forget to call me if you need "help" (blink)".

What got my attention, is that, usually straight guy will just tell you "why are you looking at me" or "can you stop looking at me" because it's weird for them, and it's normal. But him.. he was just following the move..

He suddendly had his friends coming at our building, so he invited me to join him to introduce me to his friends, but i wasn't really "ready" so he left full of regrets.

One day after, he texted me that i was a cool and he apologized again to leaving that early because of his friends, then he said he would "text me" if he wanted to play or anything..

1 Week without News, so i've sent a message like "Hey what's up" he answered me 1 day after "Sorry for Late Answer but my mom is in hospital due to corona virus, i did not had much time" so i said to him "no worries, i'm here if you need anything" and again "i'll hit you up if i need anything"

1 Week without news again, so last Friday i decided to take news "Hey, how is your mom doing ? Anything better'" ? No answers, i know he rode my message the Sunday (2 days after) and today, 4 days after, i still have no answers from him.. Despite the fact he's connecting on Discord (not sure that he is playing tho..)

I still has no answer since today. It's been 3 days.

It must be weird to think about this whole stuff, but i'm alone.. and i really saw this as an opportunity to make a new friend, and to finally connect myself to others, since he wanted to introduce me to his friends..

I just don't understand his reaction.. is he ignoring me ? Is he thinking too much about his mom ?

I would be curious if his "friends" are still coming to his appartement..

Welp, i'm suffering from this.. i don't know what to think.

What do you guys think ? Is he ignoring me ? Is he sincere saying he has no time ?

Maybe is he confused about his feelings ? He feels like he's bi ?

I don't know, i'm completly lost and i'm trying to forget, to let it go, to stop thinking about it, but this is so confusing.

I apologize if you think it's stupid to post for that, and I thank you for your answers..

Of course, if this is not clear, asks questions in reply, i'll be glad to answer you.

This is eating me.. like a slow depression..

Bless you all.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
22,182
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
I'll be honest, if he was worried for his mum he wouldnt be going onto discord and completely ignoring you ..........

if he went onto discord to check it then sent a quick "sorry i'll respond to this later, i got a lot going on" then yeah that would be genuine, it sounds to me like he doesnt want the friendship any more imo

sorry i realise thats not the answer you want to hear, its what i'm understanding from the situation :hug:
 
W

Woskana

Member
Joined
Apr 28, 2021
Messages
11
Location
FRANCE
I'll be honest, if he was worried for his mum he wouldnt be going onto discord and completely ignoring you ..........

if he went onto discord to check it then sent a quick "sorry i'll respond to this later, i got a lot going on" then yeah that would be genuine, it sounds to me like he doesnt want the friendship any more imo

sorry i realise thats not the answer you want to hear, its what i'm understanding from the situation :hug:
Thanks for replying anyway..

Welp, this is what i thought, even if i'm denying it, i guess i have to face the truth.

I feel played tho..
 
Blooming

Blooming

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
564
Location
mycountry
Hello there.. i'm not sure if this is a good idea, but i'm just lost completly.

English isn't my native tongue, i apologize if there is mistakes in there.

Alright, so i'm a 22 years old man, i've always been alone, no friends, no one to talks to, my family is there, but this is a kinda restricted domain, i can't talk about thoses things with them, and.. i'm gay.

I'm living in France, into a building that contains multiples appartements, in one of them alone.

An old girl classmate came back to me to "take news" and said she was actually talking with a guy living in that same building, which ended to be a neighbor of mine. I was surprised since this girl was someone very toxic (She's a liar, drama creator, that kind of stuff).

One day, i received a little paper in my mailbox "Hey it's your neighbor, text me.. (phone number + his name). I was surprised, since the girl she was talking to told me he did not wanted any "new" friends. Right now.

So i sent a message, and we talked "normally" like 2 friends, and so he asked me about the girl, because he found her pretty shady..

I told her everything i was thinking about her, so he believed me, and that confirmed I was right, she was awfull with him since then, and they finally stopped talking, and i stopped talking to her too.

It ended up SHE was the one to put the paper in my mailbox.

That's the first part of the story..

So me and the neighbor started playing on Discord, since we both like videos games, netflix and some same stuff..

What i'm misunderstanding, is that he is supposed to be straight, but can't stop joking about "gay stuff" like "between friend, it's important to help each others, like handjob, blowjob" he says while laughing hard. I went even further but well..

An incident happened once, since we talked about how open minded we could be, it appeared we are very much open minded of "much stuff" as he said. And so it went to the question i asked : "So are you gay though" ? And he instantly got upset, calling "I don't know why the hell we are again talking about this, there is nothing to tell about it" (it was the first time we talked about that) and he went silent, i went silent, so he knew he made a mistake, he tried to "talk nicely" about some games and stuff.. but it was very cold.

So 2 days after this incident, i invited him to my appartement to some kind of Party, just me and him, watching netflix while eating and just talking.

He was normal, but our eyes just could not stop looking at each others, for no particular reason, incredible good feeling, much laughing.. and yet, He was not making any sexual gay jokes this time, just one before leaving "don't forget to call me if you need "help" (blink)".

What got my attention, is that, usually straight guy will just tell you "why are you looking at me" or "can you stop looking at me" because it's weird for them, and it's normal. But him.. he was just following the move..

He suddendly had his friends coming at our building, so he invited me to join him to introduce me to his friends, but i wasn't really "ready" so he left full of regrets.

One day after, he texted me that i was a cool and he apologized again to leaving that early because of his friends, then he said he would "text me" if he wanted to play or anything..

1 Week without News, so i've sent a message like "Hey what's up" he answered me 1 day after "Sorry for Late Answer but my mom is in hospital due to corona virus, i did not had much time" so i said to him "no worries, i'm here if you need anything" and again "i'll hit you up if i need anything"

1 Week without news again, so last Friday i decided to take news "Hey, how is your mom doing ? Anything better'" ? No answers, i know he rode my message the Sunday (2 days after) and today, 4 days after, i still have no answers from him.. Despite the fact he's connecting on Discord (not sure that he is playing tho..)

I still has no answer since today. It's been 3 days.

It must be weird to think about this whole stuff, but i'm alone.. and i really saw this as an opportunity to make a new friend, and to finally connect myself to others, since he wanted to introduce me to his friends..

I just don't understand his reaction.. is he ignoring me ? Is he thinking too much about his mom ?

I would be curious if his "friends" are still coming to his appartement..

Welp, i'm suffering from this.. i don't know what to think.

What do you guys think ? Is he ignoring me ? Is he sincere saying he has no time ?

Maybe is he confused about his feelings ? He feels like he's bi ?

I don't know, i'm completly lost and i'm trying to forget, to let it go, to stop thinking about it, but this is so confusing.

I apologize if you think it's stupid to post for that, and I thank you for your answers..

Of course, if this is not clear, asks questions in reply, i'll be glad to answer you.

This is eating me.. like a slow depression..

Bless you all.
No, your post is not stupid. You have feelings for this person and wonder if he has such feelings for you. If it is true that his mother has Corona, I suppose that he does not have time to think about anything else. His mother can be near dying.

About his attitude: he may be straight or Bi. If he is straight, he may have understood that you are not. If he is Bi, he may need time to accept that.

My advice to you is that you don't try to not push yourself on him in neither this nor that way. If he is hetero, it can bring you a lot of sad feelings to be a friend with somebody you cannot be closer to.

If I were you I would have tried to get friendships at other areas like going regularly to a gym-group, a rowing group, a hiking group or whatever interests you. You need to be around other people. It is time to step out of the lonely circle. Buy a book about Small talk and start to practice it.

Later on you can search for a male partner at a dating page.

Take it easy with the friend you have mentioned here. Let him take the first step if he is Bi.

The world will not fall apart if he does not love you!

Send my best wishes for your life! 🙂
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
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Messages
8,430
Location
Nashua NH
Could you not go over to his apartment and knock on the door when you see him on discord just to see if you can catch him face to face? It does seem like he is avoiding you. Even if his Mom was sick he could still find time to get in a text message or two. I’d try his apartment and if that doesn’t work just quit reaching out to him and see what happens. xo, j
 
W

Woskana

Member
Joined
Apr 28, 2021
Messages
11
Location
FRANCE
Could you not go over to his apartment and knock on the door when you see him on discord just to see if you can catch him face to face? It does seem like he is avoiding you. Even if his Mom was sick he could still find time to get in a text message or two. I’d try his apartment and if that doesn’t work just quit reaching out to him and see what happens. xo, j
I'm too shy for that haha

And i'm afraid that would be seen as harassement, but the idea went throught my mind haha.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,214
Location
US
Hey, sorry about your predicament, it def sounds confusing, the mixed signals. I can't really guess as to what's going on with him, but I will anyway? (lol). We never really know what someone else is going through, for starters, I have learned this a million times over and still I try to mind-read, think I know what they are feeling or thinking. But from what it sounds like from his mixed signals and kind of disappearing for a bit, it sounds like he is confused, that you may have struck a nerve b/c he is unsure of how he is feeling. People in that confusion state can lash out at you b/c they are afraid, or maybe unaccepting of how they feel.

Given his mom's situation, it so reminds me of what my son just went thru w a girl he likes who ghosted him out of the blue. He was so despondent, but I just told him it's a really weird time right now, so many people are suffering, and to not mind-read. Sure enough, she ended up being in the hospital for a suicide attempt, wasn't ghosting him. We don't know what people are going through, so give it time. Hopefully you will get answers, but you can't force them. Another thought that just passed through my head is that maybe due to his mom's situation, he is around family, and maybe that family is judgmental about sexuality issues, further adding to his stress. There is just so much going on right now. Don't be hard on yourself, don't mind-read if you can help it. I would just give him space and let him work through whatever he is going through. He obviously liked hanging out w you, maybe wants something more, maybe not, but your feelings are valid and understandable. Give him time and space is all, I think in time the answers will be clear. If you need to distract yourself so you don't keep thinking about it, try to keep as busy as you can or, if you don't have the energy, watch something funny or whatnot. Good luck to you on this, it must be v hard.
 
W

Woskana

Member
Joined
Apr 28, 2021
Messages
11
Location
FRANCE
Hey, sorry about your predicament, it def sounds confusing, the mixed signals. I can't really guess as to what's going on with him, but I will anyway? (lol). We never really know what someone else is going through, for starters, I have learned this a million times over and still I try to mind-read, think I know what they are feeling or thinking. But from what it sounds like from his mixed signals and kind of disappearing for a bit, it sounds like he is confused, that you may have struck a nerve b/c he is unsure of how he is feeling. People in that confusion state can lash out at you b/c they are afraid, or maybe unaccepting of how they feel.

Given his mom's situation, it so reminds me of what my son just went thru w a girl he likes who ghosted him out of the blue. He was so despondent, but I just told him it's a really weird time right now, so many people are suffering, and to not mind-read. Sure enough, she ended up being in the hospital for a suicide attempt, wasn't ghosting him. We don't know what people are going through, so give it time. Hopefully you will get answers, but you can't force them. Another thought that just passed through my head is that maybe due to his mom's situation, he is around family, and maybe that family is judgmental about sexuality issues, further adding to his stress. There is just so much going on right now. Don't be hard on yourself, don't mind-read if you can help it. I would just give him space and let him work through whatever he is going through. He obviously liked hanging out w you, maybe wants something more, maybe not, but your feelings are valid and understandable. Give him time and space is all, I think in time the answers will be clear. If you need to distract yourself so you don't keep thinking about it, try to keep as busy as you can or, if you don't have the energy, watch something funny or whatnot. Good luck to you on this, it must be v hard.
Wow, thank you so much for your awesome answer.

I'm really sorry for your son and his friend, i hope everyone is alright right now.

I completly agree with that, but again, my fear is that he never answers me back and he forgets me.. and i'm sure of this is going to happen this way.

You said to let him space and time, this is what i'm on right now. I'll wait one month or maybe two if necessary, but then, do you think it would be wise to re-contacting him ?
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Messages
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Wow, thank you so much for your awesome answer.

I'm really sorry for your son and his friend, i hope everyone is alright right now.

I completly agree with that, but again, my fear is that he never answers me back and he forgets me.. and i'm sure of this is going to happen this way.

You said to let him space and time, this is what i'm on right now. I'll wait one month or maybe two if necessary, but then, do you think it would be wise to re-contacting him ?
I think the ball is in his court, that you have reached out and that is all you can do. And saying that you are sure he's going to forget you is something you cannot be sure of. It's like mind-reading, reading the future. Try to not be so hard on yourself about it. He obviously likes you at least as a friend, he may have issues to work out w his own sexuality and then on top of that his mom. With this damn virus, maybe it even passed to his dad or other family. What I'm saying is that we can guess all we want and feel sure about it, but we can't know these things. I need to take my own advice more often (lol), as I do the same things. But as an outsider, it's easier to see these things. I'd step back and give him space. Every single time I've pushed someone I was interested in, it only caused them to further retreat. It's human nature to want a chase as well. Let him work it out in his mind, he will likely come to you when he's ready. These things can't be put on a time schedule, such as a month.

And thank you for your kind words. It is so painful to watch such young kids facing all of this past year and see how it's torn them up. I pray she is doing better as well. Be easy on yourself, it's a hard time.
 
Blooming

Blooming

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Messages
564
Location
mycountry
I completly agree with that, but again, my fear is that he never answers me back and he forgets me.. and i'm sure of this is going to happen this way.
I don't want to be the one who "let out the dirt in your nest", but since you said in your first post that you have been alone (few or no friends) your whole life, it gives me the idea that what you are saying now (see the quote) probably will be so the next time you feel for somebody, or the next after that and so on. I mean that you probably have experienced things in your life that has scared you, made you shy and so on.

You are only 22 now, if I remember right, so if you don't start to work with your shyness and your anxiety for being left alone, you probably will be so at 32 as well. I don't mean to scare you, but to help you to put on some perspective on who you are now and who you want to be 10 years from now.

What problems do you need to work on, what job do you think you have, how is your relationship, then, are you alone or is somebody living with you, what interests have you developed during those 10 years.

May be you don't need this "wake up call" (from me). If not, please excuse me. I have lived longer than you and know that nothing falls down from the sky.

I wish you well! 🙂


The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
by Martin M. Antony | Jan 1, 2018 (AMAZON has it if you need it).
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Messages
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Location
US
I don't want to be the one who "let out the dirt in your nest", but since you said in your first post that you have been alone (few or no friends) your whole life, it gives me the idea that what you are saying now (see the quote) probably will be so the next time you feel for somebody, or the next after that and so on. I mean that you probably have experienced things in your life that has scared you, made you shy and so on.

You are only 22 now, if I remember right, so if you don't start to work with your shyness and your anxiety for being left alone, you probably will be so at 32 as well. I don't mean to scare you, but to help you to put on some perspective on who you are now and who you want to be 10 years from now.

What problems do you need to work on, what job do you think you have, how is your relationship, then, are you alone or is somebody living with you, what interests have you developed during those 10 years.

May be you don't need this "wake up call" (from me). If not, please excuse me. I have lived longer than you and know that nothing falls down from the sky.

I wish you well! 🙂


The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
by Martin M. Antony | Jan 1, 2018 (AMAZON has it if you need it).
Agree that it's something better worked on sooner rather than later, but some of us are just shy and that's our character. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't totally cut yourself off, and it sounds like Woskana is working on reaching out, after all, he called this guy and started a friendship with him. He is working on it. We just can't control the reactions of others, but keep reaching out, keep trying and don't assume the next will be like this situation, as every one is different and has different issues. Good for you, Woskana, for opening up yourself to this relationship and trying. Try not to let it make you feel like it will always be this same outcome b/c this particular relationship has these issues.
 
Blooming

Blooming

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Messages
564
Location
mycountry
Agree that it's something better worked on sooner rather than later, but some of us are just shy and that's our character. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't totally cut yourself off, and it sounds like Woskana is working on reaching out, after all, he called this guy and started a friendship with him. He is working on it. We just can't control the reactions of others, but keep reaching out, keep trying and don't assume the next will be like this situation, as every one is different and has different issues. Good for you, Woskana, for opening up yourself to this relationship and trying. Try not to let it make you feel like it will always be this same outcome b/c this particular relationship has these issues.
No, no. I am shy myself. What I tried to say was that no problem solves itself. Some approvements, does not mean that we are totaly failures. Don't think in black/white terms (either/or), but in both/and. ☺
 
W

Woskana

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FRANCE
It's funny you're talking about that because 2 days ago i've tried something to "socialise more" and get rid of me being shy.

I'm answering to @SeattleBP1 and @Blooming in the same time, and no worries i appreciated what you wrote, i know that i have to work on that.

2 Days ago I decided i had to talk with strangers, in order to make friends.

Since in France we're in lockdown due to the virus, so i've went to my facebook list, and there is some people i never talked to, i don't even know them.

So i went like, let's talk to this guy, (who is cute btw).

So he answered something like "Hello, do we know each others ?"

I basically found an excuses such has "You have a manga cover on your facebook, are you watching this one" and we started chatting a little bit since he said "sure let's talk but about what ?"

And since he was not really "into it" i decided to say the truth which is that, i was trying to socialize, that i did not have much friends, almost none and that i was trying to make new ones.

He said "Well, i'm at work, i'll answer later".

Still waiting for his answer but i'm proud of myself for trying that step.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Messages
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Hell yes. You are reaching out. Def a hard time to do so with the virus, but you are making big strides it sounds like, that's not easy. And if he happens to not respond, I hope you continue to reach out. I gave up a couple of years ago after an assault that left me too afraid to date again, but giving up is the worst thing you can do, I know that. Keep trying, and I need to get back in the game and do the same. It's super impressive that you are continuing to try. After a couple of years of not trying, it gets even harder to try. Good for you and I really hope you make some connections:)
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Did I use the word "try" enough? (lol)
 
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