• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I need your help!

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Mimethea

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Portugal
If you don't mind me asking how old are you? If you're still a teenager, life is too short trying to fix someone else, but that's just me and my own opinion. Not a professional. Now if you are older and more mature, I'd say you should be in therapy together, or at least participate in therapy. I'd highly recommend that be a "rule", if she has BPD and is able to afford it, she should be in it, if she's showing symptoms like that. I do understand when people aren't able to afford it too. I'd just be empathetic, and validate her feelings, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate toxic behavior if it's abusive. It takes a very special person to be with people like us, and a lot of effort on both our parts. Sometimes you just have to let us vent. You validate "I understand why you feel like that...". Whatever you do don't change the subject, because that usually sets me off. Just validate, try to understand, stay calm, and if she's done something wrong or hurt you, wait and bring it up at a better time when things are calm. The goal is to get her to calm down. I'll be honest, my boyfriend basically just listens to me, and doesn't say anything unless I prompt him. He constantly reassures me that he loves me no matter what, but I do communicate a lot about the darker parts of my soul and let him inside, and I always apologize after I've overreacted. I had to teach myself a long time to do that.

Again, I'm not a professional, but hopefully this helps. Also read books on DBT.
We’re both 22. Young adults trying to figure out the world. I will try my best to just listen and to be there for her. Although sometimes I just want to react because it feels like I’m allowing stuff. And I do have issues with being assertive ( but that’s much more my issue).
I do think doing therapy together would be great! I will be looking into that and seeing if she wants to.

Right now we figure things out and we are ok now. But next time that anything happens, I will go by as everyone advised. Thanks for your reply.
 
M

Mimethea

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Portugal
Hi Mimethea, I’m sorry to hear about the problems you’re having with your gf. It can be so hard and worrying when you care so much and just want to help. I’d say it sounds like you’re a great partner to her and you’re taking important steps to learn about BPD and how it affects her. The key thing, I think, is patience. Don’t take insults personally. Listen and validate her feelings. Validation does not mean you have to agree with everything she says, but to speak her feelings back to her, to let her know you’ve heard and genuinely understood. Don’t try to fix her problems by telling her that she shouldn’t feel that way or offering suggestions as to what she should do - my husband used to attempt this and it threw me into rage like you wouldn’t believe. Borderlines just want to know there’s someone there who listens and understands. It’s a scary world for us and we often feel confused and deeply alone. You will get it wrong - you’re human and not trained in psychotherapy, after all. But persevere and it will make an enormous difference. I’d second the recommendation for the book Stop Walking on Eggshells - the psychiatrist recommended it for my husband and it’s helped him.
Thank you for your reply and advice!
I will try to research more to get it and at least have an idea on how she feels most of times. I will be looking for that book ahaha ( people recommend it before)

and yeah, I did try to tell her how to do stuff and she got so angry. Gotta learn from our mistakes as well. Things are good now and next time anything happens, I’ll take everything you guys said in consideration. It was great help.
 
Humanitee

Humanitee

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
23
Location
UK
Thank you for your reply and advice!
I will try to research more to get it and at least have an idea on how she feels most of times. I will be looking for that book ahaha ( people recommend it before)

and yeah, I did try to tell her how to do stuff and she got so angry. Gotta learn from our mistakes as well. Things are good now and next time anything happens, I’ll take everything you guys said in consideration. It was great help.
I’m glad to hear it, and yes, we’re always here if you need any help! :)
 
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