• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I need your help!

M

Mimethea

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Portugal
Hello everyone!

I’m here in this forum because I kinda need your help. My girlfriend has borderline personality disorder and honestly, I just want to be useful. Our relationship has always been the thing that I cherish more, she is the light of my life. I started dating her knowing she had it but I always though I could handle it and that I could be of help whenever she needed. But from a few months from now, things had gone a bit south. We’ve been together for six months but at least the last 2 have been “difficult”. I don’t blame the disorder because as I was reading about it, I can see that my own personality inflames it. I am sort of a critical person and sometimes I don’t have patience when I should be more empathic.

As I’m writing right now, we are fighting because after spending the whole day together, I went to watch a movie with my friends. I did invite her, but she was busy. I did see that she got upset but I haven’t did much with my friends for so long that I though she would understand it. Even though, she hates talking with me while I’m doing something, I spent the whole movie talking with her.( Other things happened that made her upset).

However, things escalated and I ended up leaving short to call her, I was worried. And then when I called she was rude. Like, really mean and rude. I was so worried and she accused me of abandoning her, of only searching for her when I had time. I have to admit that statement hurt a lot. I tried my best to explain that it was just a movie and it didn’t last much. But she didn’t care at all. She said I don’t understand her and her feelings and treated me with anger and irritation. I tried to be there for her to try calm her down because I believed that she wasn’t really upset with the movie thing but with other things. I though it was just projection. But it wasn’t. She was upset because I left to watch a movie and it hurt more the way she treated me than the whole thing.

I got really angry and confused and sad in a spam of 5 minutes. I try not to be angry because I know how things work but I don’t know what to do or how to behave so things don’t ruin us.

She does treatment very erratically, but she does it. And I want just to be supportive but sometimes it feels to much. I am searching for help for myself so it’s not too much. But I want to learn more. And I think the best way to do it is to talk about it with people that actually deal with it every day. I wish I could do it with my girlfriend but she still shuts me out a lot about this.

I hope you guys can help me out. This is the woman of my life.
(Sorry for the English mistakes, not my first language)
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Mar 1, 2021
Messages
1,106
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Hi Mimethea,
You were very kind and did your best to be understanding. When I am feeling low, it feels worse when my husband is away, even if it's just to the gym. I am aware that this is me, and not a normal emotional reaction. I don't react outwardly because I recognize that there isn't a problem other than how I am feeling.

Your girlfriend needs to be aware to control her emotions that are not appropriate to the situation. I don't know what you could have done differently. You were supportive. What do you mean by she does treatment very erratically?
 
M

Mimethea

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Portugal
Hey, thanks for answering.
I tried to point that out to her but she went into defensive mode. Right now I’m just tired, it is almost 7 am and I haven’t slept a bit and I don’t think I will. She somehow understands what I’m saying but then starts to blame herself for “not being enough” or that “she deserves to be alone”. She also tried to break up with me a few moments ago.

and about the treatment, she doesn’t like doing it. Every time she goes to the therapist she tries to come up with something so she can’t go. She goes to one session then skip a few after that. And just now her therapist send her to a psychiatrist. Which scares me a bit because since I know her she says she wants to be on drugs (as in antidepressants). She actually told me that since she’s going to a psychiatrist she doesn’t need a therapist. :/
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
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Hi Mmethea, welcome to the forum and it's really nice you're putting in the work, as I know it can be work. I also have borderline. There's a book called Walking on Eggshells that my ex highly recommends, he read that and some of the writings by Marsha Linehan on dialectical behaviour therapy, which can be super helpful in bringing down intense emotions.

I think the thing my ex says he found most useful from learning about it, and I know I've noticed a huge difference in how we communicate, is to validate the other person's feelings rather than doing what can come pretty naturally, and that is trying to fix the emotion or invalidating it by dismissing it as overreactive or "crazy" or whatever. That has helped us a lot.

I hope this helps. Good luck to you guys:)
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Messages
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US
And I'd suspect the threat to break up is her needing to know you care enough to still want her, she is in the guilt/shame mode maybe after the anger.
 
M

Mimethea

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
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Portugal
Thanks for the tip. I will search for that book.

And yeah, my inicial response was that. I thought it was something so dumb, now I regret it. It wasn’t dumb to her.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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You sound like a good partner to her. It is hard at times. It helps to say "X, I get that you're feeling really pissed right now and have every right to be, because it's infuriating when you feel abandoned or like someone doesn't care about you enough" type of thing. Then you follow up with how you're feeling. "I feel like it may have been a trigger for you and that by going to the movies, it made you feel abandoned. That wasn't my intention at all and I am not abandoning you" and so forth.
 
M

Mimethea

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Portugal
And I'd suspect the threat to break up is her needing to know you care enough to still want her, she is in the guilt/shame mode maybe after the anger.
Ohhh figured how to answer properly.

I know she doesn’t want to break up because she never says “I want to break up with you”. She always puts the decision on my hands. It is exactly what you are saying. Thanks for the reply.
 
M

Mimethea

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Portugal
Hi Mimethea,
You were very kind and did your best to be understanding. When I am feeling low, it feels worse when my husband is away, even if it's just to the gym. I am aware that this is me, and not a normal emotional reaction. I don't react outwardly because I recognize that there isn't a problem other than how I am feeling.

Your girlfriend needs to be aware to control her emotions that are not appropriate to the situation. I don't know what you could have done differently. You were supportive. What do you mean by she does treatment very erratically?
Hey, thanks for answering.
I tried to point that out to her but she went into defensive mode. Right now I’m just tired, it is almost 7 am and I haven’t slept a bit and I don’t think I will. She somehow understands what I’m saying but then starts to blame herself for “not being enough” or that “she deserves to be alone”. She also tried to break up with me a few moments ago.

and about the treatment, she doesn’t like doing it. Every time she goes to the therapist she tries to come up with something so she can’t go. She goes to one session then skip a few after that. And just now her therapist send her to a psychiatrist. Which scares me a bit because since I know her she says she wants to be on drugs (as in antidepressants). She actually told me that since she’s going to a psychiatrist she doesn’t need a therapist. :/
 
M

Mimethea

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Portugal
You sound like a good partner to her. It is hard at times. It helps to say "X, I get that you're feeling really pissed right now and have every right to be, because it's infuriating when you feel abandoned or like someone doesn't care about you enough" type of thing. Then you follow up with how you're feeling. "I feel like it may have been a trigger for you and that by going to the movies, it made you feel abandoned. That wasn't my intention at all and I am not abandoning you" and so forth.
I have to make a sticker for that so I can always remember. Sometimes to act on anger doesn’t help much. And thanks for the compliment, just trying to give all my love to this woman honestly 🥲
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
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I have to make a sticker for that so I can always remember. Sometimes to act on anger doesn’t help much. And thanks for the compliment, just trying to give all my love to this woman honestly 🥲
Awesome. Really wishing you the best of luck! You can work at this. I think if my ex had read up on those things and learned how to deal w me when I'm like that earlier, we might have remained married. Maybe....:)
 
M

Mimethea

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Portugal
Awesome. Really wishing you the best of luck! You can work at this. I think if my ex had read up on those things and learned how to deal w me when I'm like that earlier, we might have remained married. Maybe....:)
Thank you so much. I was kinda scared of doing this post but thanks. And I hope everything works out good for you
 
AppleJacks99

AppleJacks99

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
122
Location
Arkansas
Hello everyone!

I’m here in this forum because I kinda need your help. My girlfriend has borderline personality disorder and honestly, I just want to be useful. Our relationship has always been the thing that I cherish more, she is the light of my life. I started dating her knowing she had it but I always though I could handle it and that I could be of help whenever she needed. But from a few months from now, things had gone a bit south. We’ve been together for six months but at least the last 2 have been “difficult”. I don’t blame the disorder because as I was reading about it, I can see that my own personality inflames it. I am sort of a critical person and sometimes I don’t have patience when I should be more empathic.

As I’m writing right now, we are fighting because after spending the whole day together, I went to watch a movie with my friends. I did invite her, but she was busy. I did see that she got upset but I haven’t did much with my friends for so long that I though she would understand it. Even though, she hates talking with me while I’m doing something, I spent the whole movie talking with her.( Other things happened that made her upset).

However, things escalated and I ended up leaving short to call her, I was worried. And then when I called she was rude. Like, really mean and rude. I was so worried and she accused me of abandoning her, of only searching for her when I had time. I have to admit that statement hurt a lot. I tried my best to explain that it was just a movie and it didn’t last much. But she didn’t care at all. She said I don’t understand her and her feelings and treated me with anger and irritation. I tried to be there for her to try calm her down because I believed that she wasn’t really upset with the movie thing but with other things. I though it was just projection. But it wasn’t. She was upset because I left to watch a movie and it hurt more the way she treated me than the whole thing.

I got really angry and confused and sad in a spam of 5 minutes. I try not to be angry because I know how things work but I don’t know what to do or how to behave so things don’t ruin us.

She does treatment very erratically, but she does it. And I want just to be supportive but sometimes it feels to much. I am searching for help for myself so it’s not too much. But I want to learn more. And I think the best way to do it is to talk about it with people that actually deal with it every day. I wish I could do it with my girlfriend but she still shuts me out a lot about this.

I hope you guys can help me out. This is the woman of my life.
(Sorry for the English mistakes, not my first language)
If you don't mind me asking how old are you? If you're still a teenager, life is too short trying to fix someone else, but that's just me and my own opinion. Not a professional. Now if you are older and more mature, I'd say you should be in therapy together, or at least participate in therapy. I'd highly recommend that be a "rule", if she has BPD and is able to afford it, she should be in it, if she's showing symptoms like that. I do understand when people aren't able to afford it too. I'd just be empathetic, and validate her feelings, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate toxic behavior if it's abusive. It takes a very special person to be with people like us, and a lot of effort on both our parts. Sometimes you just have to let us vent. You validate "I understand why you feel like that...". Whatever you do don't change the subject, because that usually sets me off. Just validate, try to understand, stay calm, and if she's done something wrong or hurt you, wait and bring it up at a better time when things are calm. The goal is to get her to calm down. I'll be honest, my boyfriend basically just listens to me, and doesn't say anything unless I prompt him. He constantly reassures me that he loves me no matter what, but I do communicate a lot about the darker parts of my soul and let him inside, and I always apologize after I've overreacted. I had to teach myself a long time to do that.

Again, I'm not a professional, but hopefully this helps. Also read books on DBT.
 
AppleJacks99

AppleJacks99

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
122
Location
Arkansas
If you don't mind me asking how old are you? If you're still a teenager, life is too short trying to fix someone else, but that's just me and my own opinion. Not a professional. Now if you are older and more mature, I'd say you should be in therapy together, or at least participate in therapy. I'd highly recommend that be a "rule", if she has BPD and is able to afford it, she should be in it, if she's showing symptoms like that. I do understand when people aren't able to afford it too. I'd just be empathetic, and validate her feelings, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate toxic behavior if it's abusive. It takes a very special person to be with people like us, and a lot of effort on both our parts. Sometimes you just have to let us vent. You validate "I understand why you feel like that...". Whatever you do don't change the subject, because that usually sets me off. Just validate, try to understand, stay calm, and if she's done something wrong or hurt you, wait and bring it up at a better time when things are calm. The goal is to get her to calm down. I'll be honest, my boyfriend basically just listens to me, and doesn't say anything unless I prompt him. He constantly reassures me that he loves me no matter what, but I do communicate a lot about the darker parts of my soul and let him inside, and I always apologize after I've overreacted. I had to teach myself a long time to do that.

Again, I'm not a professional, but hopefully this helps. Also read books on DBT.
I would like to take back some of that first part, because I'm not meaning to sound uncaring if you are teenagers, but what I mean is you should focus on your education, and try to be there for her as a friend, but I know the world doesn't work that way...so just be reassuring, but encourage her to seek help. Just listen...
 
Humanitee

Humanitee

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
23
Location
UK
Hi Mimethea, I’m sorry to hear about the problems you’re having with your gf. It can be so hard and worrying when you care so much and just want to help. I’d say it sounds like you’re a great partner to her and you’re taking important steps to learn about BPD and how it affects her. The key thing, I think, is patience. Don’t take insults personally. Listen and validate her feelings. Validation does not mean you have to agree with everything she says, but to speak her feelings back to her, to let her know you’ve heard and genuinely understood. Don’t try to fix her problems by telling her that she shouldn’t feel that way or offering suggestions as to what she should do - my husband used to attempt this and it threw me into rage like you wouldn’t believe. Borderlines just want to know there’s someone there who listens and understands. It’s a scary world for us and we often feel confused and deeply alone. You will get it wrong - you’re human and not trained in psychotherapy, after all. But persevere and it will make an enormous difference. I’d second the recommendation for the book Stop Walking on Eggshells - the psychiatrist recommended it for my husband and it’s helped him.
 
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