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I need to share this with someone.

R

Red Fire

New member
Joined
Jan 16, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Massachusetts
I have always been a picky eater and I always thought of myself as being fat, despite having a healthy bmi. In senior year of high school, I learned about calorie counting and lost 20+lbs. This August, I moved to college. When I first arrived here, things weren't bad. While I was considered mildly annorexic in terms of my weight to hight ratio, at least I was emotionally more stable. As the semester went on however, my eating disorder started spiraling even more out of control. Due to the high stress, I started binge eating, (or eating normally, I don't even know anymore). Everytime I talked to my parents, they sounded worried and told me to eat even more. And I would eat and then feel guilty. By the end of the semester I had gained a few pounds, which terrified me, but what's even worse, I had started making myself throw up and using laxatives and diuretics. I'm back in college now, for a short winter term before second semester starts, and I don't even know what eating disorder my eating habits are categorized as anymore. I spend a lot of money buying deserts, which I don't eat fully, pick on them for hours, and then throw them away. I sometimes chew food, but don't swallow it. My thoughts revolve around food constantly. Every time, I get a little bit stressed or upset (which happens a lot lately) I find myself going to the vending machines to buy food to pick on. I have made myself throw up almost every day, and I feel physically awful. I'm dizzy and shaking and tired all the time. I try to make myself happy by concentrating on what I love, but it's becoming increasingly more tedious and difficult. I feel very alone and have no one to share this with.

Now, my school does offer mental health services, and really encourages students to use them. However, I have heard stories of the school sometimes forcing students to take a leave of absence, because they don't want the responsibiliy of the consequences of mental health disorders (suicide.) I'm not suicidal, however the only thing that keeps me going is my love for the major I am studying at school. It's the only thing that currently makes me happy and gives my life meaning. If they were to take that away from me, I would completely stop trying to get healthier, and might even consider an end.

Somebody help.
 
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Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
201
Location
USA
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're in so much pain and just barely hanging on. I've been there so I know what it feels like and I recovered so I know what that feels like too. Just know that you don't have to live in this nightmare. It is absolutely possible to recover. (Trust me, if I could do it, anyone can) xx
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
657
Location
London, ON
You need to eat. Real food. Seriously. Cup-a-soup if nothing else.

Also - go to your school's MH center. Yeah, a leave of absence what be heartbreaking for you, now, but failing out, or being in the hospital for a month would be worse.

I kinda understand how you currently feel about food - my eating habits are pretty sketchy, too.
And I totally do the dessert thing. My old room mate used to say I bought stuff just to let it go stale. And I totally get that "not wanting to swallow" the food thing.

All I can say is that I make myself eat something twice a day, whether I want to or not.

Again - not eating is going to mess up your ability to do well at school.
 
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