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i need to offload

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lostwithout

Member
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
7
i dont know where to start but i need some advice and also i need to offload some of the thoughts in my head before i go mad.

i really dont know where to start, perhaps a brief history of my experiences

when i was 12 my mum started to worry about my moods but i dont really remember much about it until i was 15 and taken to see a child psychologist. even then the word depression was used and i had to see various counsollers, as i got older i began to travel a lot and it never seemed odd to me that the depression was reoccuring every few months - i thought that was "normal" with depression, and i was never with a doctor long enough for them to come to any real conclutions - mostly it was the self harm (which can get pretty bad - hospital trips for stitches and suiside attempts) which seemed to concern them more.
but every time it seemed to get worse.
it wasn't until i married that the "mania" was brought to my attention by my now ex husband, its not severe with me but i do have episodes which last a week or two where i just feel unexplainably blissful - i feel useful and confident - which i guess is good - the one more irratating one i get is that i find everything funny - i can walk down the street and suddenly catch myself giggling to myself.
as you can imagine my doctor was concerned but once more only with the depression side of it - i attempted suiside and almost managed it, this was 3 months ago after the seperation of me and my ex husband.

and so onto now, after many trips to the doctor in this seemingly unending bout of depression i was referred to a "psych team" who have listened to both me and my new boyfriend talk of my experiences and have told me it is likely "bipolar 2 " but because the mania is so mild and short-lived they called it "hypermania" some terms i really need to research more.

so thats the brief history of my experience - now is the problem....

anxiety and paranoia.
its destroying my life and my new relationship.
after my marraige dissolved (i was married many years - but it came to a sad but natural end) some old pushed down feelings between me and my best friend of many years (male) began to surface and after a beautiful kiss we decided to make a go of things.
he is very sweet and loving, and the bonus is through years of being my closest friend he has seen my condition, it was he who saved my life on my last suiside attempt and he who has given me a shoulder to cry on, a hand to bathe the self inflicted wounds... ect but he has never seen it from this perspective, as my boyfriend before and as always - the change in my life has created a collidescope of emotional mood swings which are changing day to day, the underlying ones being anxiety and paranoia... i cannot believe he'd want to be with me so my brain makes up stories .. that he's sick of me so ignoring me, that he misses his ex girlfriend, that he'll meet someone more worthy of him.
i've even told him to leave me twice, we spent a week at his to get a change and i sank into sucha low i spent the whole week in a ball crying, that he'd be glad to be rid of me - that he was bored in my company, that he's only with me because he's lonely and as a friend i'm an easy target.
this is hurting a new relationship - and and old friendship. its hurting him... i have seen him so wound up that he's cried trying to tell me that he loves me and he wont leave - then i feel overwhelmingly guilty and try to tell him to leave me because i dont deserve him....

what can i do? please someone advise me. i'm sat here alone after a bad day - i've insulted him, i've accused him, i've annoyed him and yet my brain just wont be clear - he arrives in a few hours after his evening out and i dont know how i can face him.


i'm sorry to post such a long post but i really needed to let some of this out. thankyou for reading.
 
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maudikie

Guest
Maudikie.

Are you on any medication? I advise you toget ana ppointment with thepsy chiatrist . They are the specialists tog ive advice.
 
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