S
sipos
Member
Sorry this is kind of a long post.
I'm feeling at my wits end and, I can't go one feeling the way I do at the moment. I need to get some help and somehow do something about how I feel right now.
I'm a 26 year old man living in London. I live alone. I am doing research and working a my PhD.
I've been feeling really bad for quite some time but, it has got worse recently. I don't really know why (there is no reason why I should feel like this). I'm not sure if I'm depressed or what but, I feel down almost all of the time. I'm miserable and don't seem to enjoy anything. I feel very anxious a lot of the time but, I'm not sure what about. I hate myself. I'm lonely but, I don't tend to enjoy being around other people. I seem to spend most of my time upset and I don't want to see anyone. I feel like I don't want to live anymore.
I can't seem to summon any enthusiasm to do anything. My flat is a mess because I never tidy up. I can't be bothered to cook proper meals so I eat things that are easy to make and so, I have a terribly unhealthy diet. I do almost no exercise (despite desperately wanting to loose weight and wanting to do more). I'll go out when I have to but, most of the time, I just sit in my flat and feel like shit. Even when I need to go out, I find it difficult to actually summon the motivation to get dressed and go. I'm supposed to be writing up my thesis but, I don't seem to be able to actually motivate myself to do any work at the moment. Not doing things just makes me hate myself more.
I feel that somehow I need to escape feeling like this and, I often feel like I want to kill myself so, I won't have to feel like this anymore. I'm not about to do it and have never attempted suicide but, a few months ago, I planned to but never went through with it. When I'm feeling down I feel as though I want something to happen to kill me so I don't have to do it myself. If I'm crossing the road, I feel like I want something to come speeding round a corner, knock me down and kill me. Sometimes when I'm feeling really down, I cross the road without checking to see if anything is coming.
I think I've felt steadily worse for years but, recently, it seems to have become unbearable and I don't seem to be able to continue doing things I need to. Over the past year or so, I've tried to motivate myself to work more, do exercise, get involved in social activities more, change the way I think about myself etc. but, I've only felt worse and worse. It's becoming clear that I don't seem to be able to get myself out of this rut on my own and, it's only getting worse to the point where I can't cope.
I lived abroad until about 6 weeks ago. I had to be there to do research but, didn't really like living there. I (rather unrealistically) hopped that moving back to the UK, I would be able to change things and I kind of pinned my hopes on this happening but, things are still as bad as before and now I don't know what to do. I feel that I can't go on like this anymore and my life is falling apart. I will probably not be able to finish my PhD unless I can overcome my complete lack of motivation quite soon and, I am missing deadlines for submitting chapters of my thesis to my supervisor and, preparing work for conferences. I'm not sure what I can say about this but, I still don't seem to be able to do this work. I don't know why it is just making me more stressed.
I don't really want to discuss how I feel with friends or family. I have tried talking to friends about feeling down but, it doesn't seem to help much and just makes me feel worse. Mostly, I just try to put on a positive attitude and avoid seeing anyone when I feel most down. I feel that if I am anywhere close to honest about how bad I feel, that it will just shock them and I won't be able to interact with them normally afterwards. When I have tried to discuss how I feel, I have just regretted it later. I have no idea how I would begin to tell my friends and family how I really feel. I think I need help from someone who I don't otherwise have contact with.
I would appreciate some advice from people about where to go. There is a counseling service provided by the university. I could make an appointment there. I've also read that GPs can help (or point you to someone who can help) with depression. Maybe just discussing things on forums might help.
I don't really want to go to my GP. They've been pretty unhelpful in the past, I really don't like going and, I also worry a bit about things like getting insurance if I am diagnosed with something by a doctor. I think I should probably make an appointment to see the university counselor. I'm worried about what it might be like though. I think I would find it very difficult to sit and describe to someone how I feel and I don't know if I would be able to handle it. I can't really picture how that would go. Has anyone been to something like that before? How was it?
I'm feeling at my wits end and, I can't go one feeling the way I do at the moment. I need to get some help and somehow do something about how I feel right now.
I'm a 26 year old man living in London. I live alone. I am doing research and working a my PhD.
I've been feeling really bad for quite some time but, it has got worse recently. I don't really know why (there is no reason why I should feel like this). I'm not sure if I'm depressed or what but, I feel down almost all of the time. I'm miserable and don't seem to enjoy anything. I feel very anxious a lot of the time but, I'm not sure what about. I hate myself. I'm lonely but, I don't tend to enjoy being around other people. I seem to spend most of my time upset and I don't want to see anyone. I feel like I don't want to live anymore.
I can't seem to summon any enthusiasm to do anything. My flat is a mess because I never tidy up. I can't be bothered to cook proper meals so I eat things that are easy to make and so, I have a terribly unhealthy diet. I do almost no exercise (despite desperately wanting to loose weight and wanting to do more). I'll go out when I have to but, most of the time, I just sit in my flat and feel like shit. Even when I need to go out, I find it difficult to actually summon the motivation to get dressed and go. I'm supposed to be writing up my thesis but, I don't seem to be able to actually motivate myself to do any work at the moment. Not doing things just makes me hate myself more.
I feel that somehow I need to escape feeling like this and, I often feel like I want to kill myself so, I won't have to feel like this anymore. I'm not about to do it and have never attempted suicide but, a few months ago, I planned to but never went through with it. When I'm feeling down I feel as though I want something to happen to kill me so I don't have to do it myself. If I'm crossing the road, I feel like I want something to come speeding round a corner, knock me down and kill me. Sometimes when I'm feeling really down, I cross the road without checking to see if anything is coming.
I think I've felt steadily worse for years but, recently, it seems to have become unbearable and I don't seem to be able to continue doing things I need to. Over the past year or so, I've tried to motivate myself to work more, do exercise, get involved in social activities more, change the way I think about myself etc. but, I've only felt worse and worse. It's becoming clear that I don't seem to be able to get myself out of this rut on my own and, it's only getting worse to the point where I can't cope.
I lived abroad until about 6 weeks ago. I had to be there to do research but, didn't really like living there. I (rather unrealistically) hopped that moving back to the UK, I would be able to change things and I kind of pinned my hopes on this happening but, things are still as bad as before and now I don't know what to do. I feel that I can't go on like this anymore and my life is falling apart. I will probably not be able to finish my PhD unless I can overcome my complete lack of motivation quite soon and, I am missing deadlines for submitting chapters of my thesis to my supervisor and, preparing work for conferences. I'm not sure what I can say about this but, I still don't seem to be able to do this work. I don't know why it is just making me more stressed.
I don't really want to discuss how I feel with friends or family. I have tried talking to friends about feeling down but, it doesn't seem to help much and just makes me feel worse. Mostly, I just try to put on a positive attitude and avoid seeing anyone when I feel most down. I feel that if I am anywhere close to honest about how bad I feel, that it will just shock them and I won't be able to interact with them normally afterwards. When I have tried to discuss how I feel, I have just regretted it later. I have no idea how I would begin to tell my friends and family how I really feel. I think I need help from someone who I don't otherwise have contact with.
I would appreciate some advice from people about where to go. There is a counseling service provided by the university. I could make an appointment there. I've also read that GPs can help (or point you to someone who can help) with depression. Maybe just discussing things on forums might help.
I don't really want to go to my GP. They've been pretty unhelpful in the past, I really don't like going and, I also worry a bit about things like getting insurance if I am diagnosed with something by a doctor. I think I should probably make an appointment to see the university counselor. I'm worried about what it might be like though. I think I would find it very difficult to sit and describe to someone how I feel and I don't know if I would be able to handle it. I can't really picture how that would go. Has anyone been to something like that before? How was it?