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I need to finally admit i havent fixed it

M

Msy

Member
Joined
Nov 8, 2020
Messages
19
Location
England
I thought in the last 5 years id beat this.
I had an amazing career and a loving boyfriend.
Everything seemed to be going my way after years of no luck, bad relationships, constant set backs and lonliness.

In the last 7 months i feel like im back to square 1.
With the pandemic, its put massive strain on my career. Im lucky to still have a job but its just not the same right now. My career really kept me occupied and now its a shell because its becoming impossible to do my job as an event planner because of the restrictions.
The constant up and down on when i can dl it properly again and then all the set backs have made me live on the edge.
I was furloughed for 5 weeks at the start and thats when it all started again. Constant worrying, thinking about the bad things ive done in my life, the lack of routine.
It made me realise that ive covered up my depression with a strict routine and responsibilities ive given myself.
I got back in the office and i felt better, then redundancies happened at work and i lived on the edge of fear and waiting. I kept my job in the end but im now on flexi furlough which means part time hours and no routine.

My partner and i are currently going through the house buying process which has given me a lot of concern and anxiety. Im at the point where im letting my partner do it for a bit cause i cant face looking at it all. I feel like i dont want to get excited for it in case it falls through.
Then on Tuesday, my cat died. She was a happy little thing and she helped me through so many tough times. It was very short and quick, i noticed she hadnt eaten for a day and took her to the vets and she had kidney failure which could have come on so quick because it happens with cats a lot. The vet said we need to put her to sleep because otherwise she would live a life of pain if she were to pull through but it had gotten so bad it was really unlikely she would and just suffer more.
I couldnt be with her when it happebed because of covid but the vets let me take her outside to say my goodbyes. She looked so sick.
Im absolutely devistated. She got me through so much over the years and i got her when i moved into my flat so it just doesnt feel the same anymore here. It makes me want to move quicker.
I now feel completely hopeless.
My careers gone, my cats gone, i have nothing to occupy me.


I hadnt self harmed in 8 years until the other day.
My boyfriend found me sat in the shower and i had injured my legs just staring at the wall. I dont even fully remember doing it.
He keeps telling me to speak to him but i know its upsetting for him and i feel like im making him suffer.

I dont see the point in anything anymore and i feel like the same person i was when i was first diagnosed.
 
B

bpd2020

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
7,535
Location
England
I am so sorry you lost your cat. How heart breaking. It does sound like you have tried to constantly distract yourself and not acknowledge how you really feel. This does not mean you are not the same person you were. It is okay to be depressed when you have experienced all you have. You have very real reasons to have had the depression be triggered.

I think you are being very hard on yourself. You do not have to keep all this inside. I am glad you have joined this forum because you will find people on here understand.
 
M

Msy

Member
Joined
Nov 8, 2020
Messages
19
Location
England
Thank you. Im hoping being able to vent a bit on here might help a bit. Its a bit easier for me sometimes to say all this anonymously x
 
W

wasteman420

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
85
Location
UK
hey,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, that's really heartbreaking. My most beloved cat met a similar fate a couple years ago, and although she doesn't occupy my mind anymore i still cant look at a picture of her without welling up in tears.

It does get better, i promise. It can just be a painfully slow road sometimes, especially when you have other shit going on to exacerbate it. You haven't "not fixed it" - life is full of ups and downs, without the bad you wouldn't appreciate the good, so it's only natural to go through stages of both depression and happiness. The more you go through life, the more you'll see that you CAN come out the other side of a bad spell - even though I know all too well how completely hopeless it can feel when you're in the thick of it and nothing seems to be going your way. You just have to cling onto the belief and hope that you'll pull through because you already managed to do so before.
You have no way of knowing for sure what the future holds, so it's naïve to assume the worst - there could be so many opportunities awaiting you that you'd never even thought of, you just have to stick around to find out.

Just try your best to be kind to yourself while you're feeling down, as this will vastly speed up your recovery time. It's good to have healthy outlets like this forum, venting is such a good way to get it all out, especially when others can see it and comment advice or just share their own similar feelings. While knowing you're not alone won't fix your actual problems, it can make you feel a little bit less shit when you have people you can relate to. Especially with the pandemic - the vast majority of people are struggling; so you can afford to cut yourself a bit of slack there.

Personally i've turned a corner massively in recent weeks since discovering the wonder of anonymous online venting. I'm currently in a state of bewilderment that i've felt totally not depressed for almost a week, and have been feeling a lot more positive since the little routines and good habits i've been trying to form have finally started to stick. Would recommend doing a bit of googling about self compassion, I really can't stress enough how important it is to be kind to yourself!

Sorry for wordy answer, hope at least some of it was helpful to you and that you manage to get through it soon. All the best x
 
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