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I Need To Cry

prairiechick

prairiechick

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I need to cry and cry and cry. I need to cry out all the sadness with my therapist and hear her tell me everything is going to be okay.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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I need her to hold the little girl in me. I need therapy to be tomorrow, but my therapist doesn't work on Mondays and my appointment isn't until Thursday.
 
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secretsurvivor1

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waiting feels impossible in this situation. Try to find others you can turn to in the meantime, or maybe write stuff down?
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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There is no one else I can talk to about it. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix and crying at all the sad things.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Hi Prairie did you get all your anger out last night? I think it's possible for you to hug and hold your inner child within you, I am guessing your CSA abuse has been whats triggering you myself, at least thats how it was with me. I had inner dialoge with my inner child when my PTSD was surfacing. I visualized letting my child out of a dark dungeon corner of my mind and letting her close and warm beside my glowing heart. It probably sounds silly but it really worked. Instead of pushing the memories back into that dark and forgotten place, I gave my little girl permission to say all the things she could of said if she had been safe and protected. All the while I would say I'm an adult now and I protect you to little me.

In a way I was grieving for myself, but also giving myself permission to feel everything and to start healing. I hope this doesn't make you more upset, but I think there's a whole range of emotional periods of anger and grief, giving myself recognition and justice, and maybe most importantly forgiving myself, giving myself permission to say all the things little me couldn't say.

If this isn't helping you can tell me to shut up, just wanted to share that with you and hoping to give you some strength and validation.
 
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Gajolene

Gajolene

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Childhood sexual abuse. I'm a survivor too ages 2, 5 and from 7-9 years old, also as a teenager twice and twice as an adult as well. The CSA was the root of my PTSD, I still have large portions of my childhood I can't remember. My PTSD symptoms started in my early twenties.At almost 50 now I still have frequent flashbacks I've had to learn to cope with. Hope that helps clarify things for you.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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I'm not safe for my inner child.
You are - you are doing the best you can.
Your inner child must understand that your heart is in the right place and you have made so much progress.. adults can't be perfect all of the time and just because you are sad, it doesn't mean you are not safe. It's ok to cry. :hug1:
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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BEFORE YOU READ THIS, IT MIGHT BE TRIGGERING

It was abuse, but I'm not sure it was sexual abuse. I just remember feeling overpowered. She had us pinned down on my bed and I couldn't get away. She tickled me and my sisters until it hurt and she still didn't stop. I couldn't control how my body reacted. Even after we told our parents what she did they still let her babysit us again and she did the same thing.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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I'm so sorry it's horrible reexperiencing those things, giving you my huge hug tonight I saved it for you. These body memories and connecting with those emotions is so overwhelming and super intense, if you start panicking stop and give yourself a break. Do some mindfullness or your affirmations or some distraction to calm down a bit. I know it's not always a choice to be able to do that but do try and cry all you need too if thats what you need to do. If you need to we're here to listen more if you need to vent more of this out.
 
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prairiechick

prairiechick

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I feel like a loser that I'm even struggling with this because it's not anywhere near as bad as what others have been through.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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I feel like a loser that I'm even struggling with this because it's not anywhere near as bad as what others have been through.
Hey, don't be silly. :hug1:
You're not a loser and even if people have been through 'worse', it doesn't mean that your pain is any less valid. It is real for you and it has affected you. x
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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You are not a loser, you are in a state of grief and suffering. Don't compare yourself with anyone else Prairie, what's important is that this pain hurts every bit as much for you as it would for anyone else and your mind is coming to terms and trying to figure it all out. It's like a jigsaw puzzle, with every peice you manage to fit together the picture becomes more clear to you and comes together, you will find the answers and be able to cope with it better. So glad you have your therapist to help you through this as well.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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WARNING: THIS MAY TRIGGER

Yes, things are starting to make sense now--why I was so scared when I used to babysit and had to change a diaper, that in wiping a baby clean, the wiping might be too much. I was so scared that I probably didn't wipe clean enough. I just want to say that I would never, ever, ever touch a child the wrong way, ever. I don't remember where the babysitter touched us.
 
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