I need some help

[LillyJ]

I hope someone can help.

I have been suffering very severe anxiety for the past 6 months and I've come to the end of my tether with it now.
It all started when I came out of a long term relationship (10 years), which I had been in since a teenager. I used to be a very chilled out, relaxed person who never seemed to get stressed about a thing. I was known as the rational, calm one amongst my friends.

After breaking up with my partner I started having an intimate relationship with a man who has been one of my best friends for years. He is due to leave the country (armed forces) in a couple of months so we both agreed it probably wasn't going anywhere. Anyway a few things happened which ruined my trust in this man(too complicated to go into), however I still feel the need to be around him and we are closer than ever.

So to the anxiety. I am constantly on edge, and by that I mean I can't sit down, I can't eat (I've lost 3.5 stone in a few months) can't sleep. I have these constant ruminating thoughts that he is with another girl, or that he hates me etc. I constantly text him/call (and I mean constantly), drive past his house, his work etc. He has done things wrong in the past but now I know there is nothing to worry about but I can't stop. It is stopping me functioning at work, my friends all say I'm distracted all the time as they can tell my mind's on something else. It literally blocks my mind as he's the only thing I can think of from one minute to the next. If he doesn't answer his phone or call me then I go into a blind panic and become unable to breathe or think straight. My eating habits have become very severe as as soon as I try to eat, one of these thoughts of him with another girl flashes into my head and I am nearly sick. Sometimes I am physically sick.
I have spoken to him about this and he was very understanding (we are both medical doctors), but has said that my obsessiveness is the reason we can't be together at the moment but that we are still the best of friends. He is trying to help me but when you can't eat, sleep or carry out your work properly then it bevokes very difficult.
I realise that I am not his girlfriend and therefore have no actual control over him sleeping with anyone else (although I know he actually isn't at the moment). But I can't help the thoughts in my head.

I feel very stupid about this whole thing because I'm sure people Reading will just think I'm a silly girl with a silly crush, but this has caused me to become an entirely different person, and risk losing the most important person in my life. I am also going to become underweight if I'm not careful(I was obese before, I am now quite slim with no signs of the weight loss slowing down).
I can't carry on like this, i am becoming tired and it's too much.
I'm sorry if this seems garbled and confused but that's how my head is all the time.

 

[unlucky]

You don't say if you've been to see your gp about this. If you haven't I'd strongly advise you to do so. If anxiety doesn't get dealt with quickly it can spiral way out of control, I know, I've been agoraphobic for 4 years now and can't leave the house without my husband. I wish I'd went to see my gp to start with then maybe I wouldn't have got so bad. I'm currently on venlaflaxine and chlorpromazine and (touch wood) these seem to be controlling my anxiety quite well. I'm not sure what to say about your friend, I think we all get a bit obsessed with someone in our lives at some point. You can only hope its a phase though I think its probably something to do with coming out of a long term relationship and being afraid of being alone. I hope things work out for you xx

 

[LillyJ]

Thanks for replying.
I haven't seen anyone about it, I guess because I'm a doctor (although not one with any mental health experience at all), I don't want to admit to my GP that there's a problem. I feel like I should be able to cope alone. I'm not keen to go on any medications as I hope in the future to also join the military, and this would preclude me from doing so. Although I appreciate that my health is more important than my career, it has taken me until this week to even admit to myself and this man that there is a problem.
In terms of him, I know that it seems like a phase or whatever, but I truly believe we are meant to be together, and over the later stages he started to realise this too. We know each other so well from being friends before and we have a deeper understanding of each other than anyone I have ever met. Although in the last 2 months my anxiety has pushed him away and he is worried that he is the source of my anxiety and isn't sure whether he should just cut me off (which he doesn't want to do but is willing to of it will help me), or to just be there as a friend (which is what's happening at the moment). We both realise that we could have a good relationship if I could get better which is frustrating for us both. He has, by the way, cut off all intimacy with me as he doesn't want to take advantage of how I am at the moment, which I suppose is the best course of action.

I feel like my thoughts in my head are so overwhelming that one day I just won't be able to carry on. I am violently sick at work sometimes and people ask if I'm pregnant (i'm not), or have food poisoning, but actually it's just anxiety and worry and fear that's doing it.
I will often spend hours just walking up and down ruminating, not doing anything but thinking and worrying.
I started taking prescription pain killers to sleep a few months ago but I've stopped this now as I realise it could risk my medical registration.
I don't want to be labelled as an anxious woman who can't cope with a little crush if I go to the GP. I know as an insider that not all are sympathetic. I don't have an anxious personality at all, which is why I don't know where this has come from. I have been through years of medical school exams etc with not so much as a hint of worry, when others were vomiting in the toilets before exams.

I have got some books on CBT and am going to try that. Did you feel that medication helped you a lot? I just want a day when I can be a normal person and feel how I used to, not this constant panic. I go 20 mins at most (Inc overnight) before I remember what's happening and the knots in my stomach build up again.
I really am at the end of my tether.

 

[LillyJ]

Also my one friend that I have confided in (she is a psychiactric nurse) wondered whether I was just afraid of being on my own. I'm actually not at all, I have lots of friends and an amazing family, and when I broke up with my ex I was not really bothered about being in another relationship. It's just this man that I want. I am not interested in just having someone to share things with etc or having a man in my life. I have turned down a few dates etc from other guys.

 

[unlucky]

I can understand your reluctance to go on anti d's especially if this would jeopardize an army career. I didn't know this happened and I actually think in this day and age that it is inherently wrong!!
I have had cbt from a cpn and it did me no good whatsoever but then I've had severe constant anxiety for 4 years. Psychology was quite good for me but you know what the nhs is like, they could only have me seeing a psychologist for a certain amount of time before they gave up on me. Have you tried breathing exercises and the like? You get them on cd and they can train you to calm yourself down when you feel yourself getting anxious though again this didn't work for me.
If you think you and your partner are made for each other then stick with it but try to avoid the driving past his house and stuff, the stalker look is really last season
Do you think therapy is something you would consider, I know the stigma is terrible but it can help. I'd do anything not have this anxiety and depression, it has completely ruined my life. I used to be really outgoing and was the life and soul of the party, now I can't even go to the party never mind be the life and soul of it!!

 

[LillyJ]

Thank you.

I would consider therapy but I just don't know anything about the different types. It's no wonder doctors can be useless about things like this, we don't learn anything apart from which medications to prescribe and who to refer to.
I have looked into private counselling as then it won't be on my medical records, and I'm willing to pay.
However there seemed to be so many different types of counselling I kind of lost the will to decide and left it.
I don't want a counsellor that makes judgements/suggestions regarding mine and this man's relationship, or whatever.

In terms of breathing exercises, the man in question was having trouble sleeping a few months back and got a relaxation cd which he played a few times when we were going to sleep. It was really helpful but I don't know what it was called and I don't want to ask him as we've agreed that I won't call this week as he's working nights and thinks we need some time to think/chill out. When I looked for similar things I only found ones with annoying American voices!

 

[unlucky]

If you ask your psychiatric nurse friend I'm sure she would be able to get one for you thats not too cheesy, some of them are terrible. The one I've got is a Scottish woman who is telling you to relax the muscles in your body. Its not for everyone but I know it helps some people and I suppose anythings worth a try!! To be honest I'm not too sure about the different types of counsellors either, I only had an nhs psychologist but if you are going private I'd amke sure they have references, there are a lot of charlatans out there!!

 

[LillyJ]

You're right, anything is worth a try! I'll give her a call later and ask her. She has loads of resources and things and I suppose she can tell me about psychologists/counsellors too.
I spoke to her (she is qualified in cbt and some other types of therapies) but I've known her for years (we trained at the same university) so I'm sure it's better to speak to a neutral. But even talking to her helped- I'm very much someone who on the outside pretends to be completely ok so it was good to admit there was a problem.
I'm also starting to try "kalms" tablets which are herbal - I'm normally quite sceptical of herbal remedies but I've done some research and it seems they have got an evidence base and, like you say, anything's worth a try.

 

[unlucky]

Apparently Rescue Remedy is quite good too though I've not tried it, one of my aunts swears by it!! I just want to be well enough to go out and work again, I feel like such a scrounger!! I'm sure you have plenty of experience with them!! Just a wee word of advice, be nice to us poor souls who have depression and anxiety, its really difficult seeking help and when you get a gp who thinks you're just attention seeking it can be a blooming nightmare and make you ten times worse!! Though I'm sure you're not like that

 

[LillyJ]

Unfortunately there are people who play the system, but hopefully most of us can realise the difference between people who are ill like yourself, and those who are just trying to get a free ride. It's a shame they exist in the first place because it means we have to be careful- but there are people who fake all sorts of things , not just mental health problems but back pain, kidney stones etc. It unfortunately makes some doctors cynical.
I don't come into contact with many people seeking help for anxiety and depression any more as I'm specialising in anaesthetics, however I used to when I did a&e, but only the very severe end of the spectrum. I definately think there's not enough training though- if I can't help myself I don't have much hope of helping anyone else!
I hope you manage to get some relief soon, it sounds like you've had a long old slog. It must be very exhausting and I truly hope things improve even if it's just enough to let you do the things you want to do.

 

[wff]

Hi LillyJ,

I sympathize. You want help, yet: "{you} don't want a counsellor that makes judgements / suggestions regarding mine and this man's relationship, or whatever", (quoted from one of your posts, above).

I hope someone can help.

I have been suffering very severe anxiety...

It all started when I came out of a long term relationship ..., which I had been in since a teenager.

Use music, use art. Think. Read the following (I provide this to help you):

"angst...a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general..."

from the Oxford Dictionary of English, Second Edition, Oxford University Press, 2003, ISBN 0-19-8613474.

For an analysis see:

"Being and Nothingness: An Essay on Phenomenological Ontology" by Jean-Paul Sartre, Translated by Hazel E. Barnes, 2002, ISBN 0-415-04029-9. Routledge (Taylor & Francis Group).

Hazel E. Barnes provides a "Key to Special Terminology":

"Anguish. The reflective apprehension of the Self as freedom, the realization that a nothingness slips in between my Self and my past and future so that nothing relieves me from the necessity of continually choosing myself and nothing guarantees the validity of the values which I choose. Fear is of something in the world, anguish is anguish before myself (as in Kierkegaard)." ibid.

Religion may provide shelter and a pathway.

I wish you well.

 

[suki1066]

hi there , i found Relate very helpfull, and it was a man, which i did have to think about but.. he was great, gave me advise on coping skills and comunication, i did have to pay £45 but got in the same week and went weekly thereafter. wishing you well x