I NEED some help understanding

[elliemay]

My husband has had physcotic depression severly for the past 18 mths..The first lot of meds didnt help at all but the second lot seemed to be be more effective until recently.
He is on ventlafaxine,olanzapine,and mirtazapine.

This is just background stuff and what i need to understand is why does this husband of mine that i love dearly(and believe me that is hard sometimes).

Who professes to love me keep leaving me, he is now on his 3rd time and the pattern is the same.....Over a week or so period
He gets very low
he stops talking
he then tells me he has to go
always to the same place
always to the same person.(A woman "friend") I have to trust she is just a friend because i will never know any different.

I cannot reason with him during this time... Which is frustrating because i know he will be gone a matter of days and then ring me up sobbing that he has made a misake.

Guess what he left on friday and texted me today saying

"I will be home friday.
LOve and miss you very much xx xx"


ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Well that takes the biscuit dont you think!!
He seems to have no idea what he is doing or the enormity of what he has done and i am so confused.Is this running away part of the illness he has Fight or flee concept?

i did not answer the text and he rang a short wHile ago and i could tell he was terrified...........But i did not welcome him home with open arms,i told him i had to make some sense of this behaviour or it will happen again and again,destroying me over and over.I still love this man i married him and for me that means in sickness and in health........I cant leave him but i can live like this..

I am hoping you guys can shed some light on why he does this.. I know he isnt well and 18 mths down the line i still see no sign of my husband,just a zombie like creature in his place...........Someone devoid of all emotion... Im sure if i dropped down dead he walk over me he is that dead inside...

All the mental health team do is throw more pills down his neck.... I have fought in his corner for 2 years now ,is it time for me to admit defeat it is sooooooooooooo hard to live like this xx

 

[jamesdean]

Hi imo I wouldnt believe this has anything to do with his mental health condition, my dad has experienced depression in the last couple of years but he dosent keep leaving my mum.your husband is capable enough of finding this other woman. I dont want to sound to harsh but I think he is playing you for a fool.

 

[elliemay]

Its nothing i havnt thought myself.Maybe i was making excuses for him.
I think i have to admit to myself the man i married isnt there anymore and move on.........
ThanKyou for your reply x

 

[jamesdean]

I understand in sickness and health because you would want to help your partner, but i need love just like everyone else and stay with my oh when I could run out of the relationship all the time, I have also come to understand most people on this forum find thier partners supportive.

 

[KP1]

Hi Ellie May
I suffer from severe depression for over a year now and have frequently had the desire to run away or leave and yet I have been married for 20myears and have children so it could well be part of the depressive illness with your husband.
KP

 

[elliemay]

WELL

Just found out he is on holiday with this woman in cornwall.He was phoning me from her holiday home to ask to come home on friday.That i presume is when the holiday finishs...he knew exactly where he was going when he left me...........He tells me he is having this holiday with her to try to clear his head and that he isnt well............... Sorry but these are not the actions of a mentally sick man they are the actions of a devious pig!!! Told him he cant come home and get to the foriegn office!!!!

Looked after this man for two years with love and understanding,what a reward eh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[elliemay]

yes he is taking them ,up until last friday i gave them to him.... Its not the meds its the lack of consience he has since the depression...........

I cant forgive the lies and betrayal..I am not so good a person to sit across the room from this man and not feel anger........

The best part is he is oblivious to what he has done.He thinks because he is not sleeping with this woman i must excuse it.
His cheating comes in another form........He has coversations with this woman,He does none of this with me????? He opens up to her
And i am hurt by that..........
Do you know the sad thing is i keep asking myself if i am being too hard on him!!! How many times do i have to be kicked in the teeth to see sense.

 

[Twylight]

Yep, I had mentaly ill partner and it was extremely stressfull, even though I am mentally ill myself.

It's good that he can open up to someone.

Is he a bit paranoid of computers - some are..

 

[Twylight]

I take Olanzepine for Psychosis and it is mind slowing and a bit miserable

I live alone so no one is affected by it

But sometimes I just need to get out of the Flat for a while

 

[ms_P]

Hi Elliemay.
I get angry just reading your posts as this has happened to me also.
In the end one has to harden one's heart, turn around and walk away with one's head held high.
Whether your husband has psychotic depression or not...you aren't a punching bag physically or emotionally.
All told, I'm not convinced a man doing what your husband does, isn't sleeping with the other woman also.
You've been betrayed. Period.
Everyone deserves a second chance, but he seems to think his are unlimited.
I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.

 

[elliemay]

Thankyou ms p,
I texted him this morning and told him that he could not come home..That he was not welcome that i could NEVER forgive the betrayal............

I will not be talking to him again until i divorce him!!!

It will be hard because i still love the man he was not the man he has become.
I have come to realise that he is using his mental illness as a right of passage to treat me like dirt and it stops with me now.............

I no doubt will get the tearful phonecall but i will harden myself to them or just tell my son i am out!!
MY tummy is going over and i am sacred for the future all i know is looking after him.Nevertheless i have to get on with it.xx

 

[Ashami]

Hello Ellie

Im sorry to hear you've been having such a tough time, being a carer can be a thankless task I know...

I have suffered from depression for many years and have caused my partner a lot of stress because of it, and whilst I've felt the need to run for the hills many times I have never felt the need to disappear for a week at a time to spend time with another man, nor felt the desire to do so.

And I could not imagine, nor would expect my partner to tolerate such behaviour. I wouldnt tolerate it from him.

Whilst depression can be an extremely selfish condition I do not believe it strips you of your conscience.

I wonder how your husband would feel if it were you disappearing to go on holiday with another man?

You have taken a bold step, good for you. I always approve of people standing up for their rights and you have a right to be treated with respect. Good luck Ellie, stay strong whether you stand by your guns or let your hubby back in again. It does sound like he needs to do some soul-searching and self-exploration but perhaps with a qualified professional therapist rather than a 'woman friend'.