I need some advice

[sleeplessinuk]

Hi I am new here and I am really confused about certain things in my life at the moment. I've always suffered from anxiety, phobias and depression. I was on anti depressants for about 6 or 7 years after having my two children. Early last year though, i came off them and started to feel alot better. For the past year I have been living a carefree life, I felt on top of the world and I felt as though I was really popular all of a sudden. I'd walk around feeling so confident and happy about everything, I felt everyone loved me and my company and I felt like I was the most intelligent person and it didn't matter to me that I was getting heaps of bills for unpaid catalogue items and credit card statements.I am unemployed as I have only ever wanted to work as a film star, musician or writer although I change my mind pretty often. Recently I feel as though my happiness is going away from me really fast. I have been waking up in the night in fear for my life, I have had sleep paralysis several times and also my body jolts just before I go to sleep. When I'm watching tv, I find myself repeating words that someone has just said...but not aloud, just more of a whisper.I also whisper my thoughts if I know there's no one around to hear me. My compulsion of picking and biting the skin on my hands has got worse and I am suddenly aware of everything i'm doing. I used to have a brilliant memory but now I have to write down literally everything so I don't forget because I am forgetting everything I do lately within days or sometimes hours. I feel so frustrated. I have a cupboard full of final demand letters that I am just ignoring in the hope that they'll go away.I went to the doctors yesterday and said i'm scared I may have a personality disorder or bipolar. She said if I haven't gone out and bought cars then I'm not bipolar...so obviously i'm not but she thinks I have depression. I don't feel depressed. I have had depression in the past and it was much worse than this because I felt suicidal. I feel pretty withdrawn, I sit at home all day and hate having to go out because I feel like everyone is looking at me and laughing at me or talking about me behind my back. I feel so much safer at home. I don't want to see anyone at all...just to stay at home with my kids, who are suffering because all I ever seem to do is shout at them but they are so loud that i feel constantly irritable.I also feel tired all the time, like all my energy has gone and I feel as though i'm not really here if I go outside....
I usually listen to music but can't bear it at the moment and i've always made up stories and scenarios (like a film) in my mind to keep me going...if that makes sense! But i'm not doing that anymore. Also, just before I started to feel a bit low, I had an unbelievably high sex drive.
Sorry to go on but I just need to know is this just depression or do I have another type of disorder? I know nobody here can give me a diagnosis but I just need to know if anyone has had similar problems or situations because I feel like i'm going mad.

 

[Bigmouth_Strikes_Again]

I am sorry you've been having such a difficult time. I can relate to a lot of it, if you ever want to talk you can PM me, always willing to listen (and have a good moan about life). I think that your doctor shouldn't have just dismissed everything, i think there are things you said that sound like bipolar (i am no expert though, could be a number of things). Could you possibly see a different doctor? I think its important that you talk to someone in the medical profession who can help you. Hope things get better

 

[grace68]

"She said if I haven't gone out and bought cars then I'm not bipolar...so obviously i'm not"

i'm sorry to say this, but that's ridiculous (in my opinion).

you really need to see another doctor. it sounds like you didn't get any help at all from that doctor.

i also can relate to much of what you say, again, in my opinion, much of it sounds like classic bipolar. and it's awful to feel so very out of control.

it sounds like you're isolated in a nightmare situation just now, i'm so angry that you have to try again to get help, but you really need to. you've found a great support network on here, but you need some proper psychiatric support too

 

[Jolene]

Hi sleeplessinuk

Maybe this is probably a stupid question
Do you ever hear voices?

 

[ms_P]

Hi Sleeplessinuk,
Hearsay and opinions are just that. They don't clarify anything.
I feel you should make an appointment with your GP, or get a new one if thats the attitude of the one you have. There are patient organisations everywhere and a phone call or letter can sometimes help get things rolling. Maybe you can get a referal to a mental health care worker to further sort out what your problems are and work towards a good recovery.
Take a breath!
The best of luck to you.

 

[sleeplessinuk]

Hi sleeplessinuk

Maybe this is probably a stupid question
Do you ever hear voices?

Hi Jolene
No I don't hear voices in the way that somebody with a mental disorder would. I have always heard people talking when i'm drifting off to sleep and sometimes a word or phrase will come into my head and i'll have to say it out loud. But this is just normal...right?

 

[sleeplessinuk]

I also forgot to mention that this doctor gave me an anxiety questionnaire to fill in and offered me medication. I refuse to take any medication after being on antidepressents for so long. So, she put my name down on a waiting list for a psychotherapist...which she said takes a few months. So I supppose the only thing I can do now is wait and hope I don't become severely depressed