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I need some advice please

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whatshouldido

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I'm not sure I am in the right forum but I need advice. I have struck up a friendship with someone I met on the internet. We are both women in our middle 40's. It was apparant to me from the beginning that she was very unhappy and I felt I ought to be very gentle with her. She started ignoring me if I didnt do as she wanted. Things progressed until I realised I had been totally manipulated into all sorts of things.

She is a compulsive liar, even about silly little things. I walked away 3/4 weeks ago and have got myself back to my normal self. We post on the same forum and are very loosely keeping contact through the pm system.

I'm guessing her husband is abusing her and that her manipulating me was a consequence of that. She could have been lying, but I have got the impression from her that he has been very cruel especially withholding sex.

Should I keep away as far as possible or should I help her either face up to the fact she's being abused or that she may have an illness which has driven her husband away.
 
J

justlikeawoman

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whatshouldido

I'm not sure I am in the right forum but I need advice. I have struck up a friendship with someone I met on the internet. We are both women in our middle 40's. It was apparant to me from the beginning that she was very unhappy and I felt I ought to be very gentle with her. She started ignoring me if I didnt do as she wanted. Things progressed until I realised I had been totally manipulated into all sorts of things.

She is a compulsive liar, even about silly little things. I walked away 3/4 weeks ago and have got myself back to my normal self. We post on the same forum and are very loosely keeping contact through the pm system.

I'm guessing her husband is abusing her and that her manipulating me was a consequence of that. She could have been lying, but I have got the impression from her that he has been very cruel especially withholding sex.

Should I keep away as far as possible or should I help her either face up to the fact she's being abused or that she may have an illness which has driven her husband away.
i dont understand what you mean when you say "she started ignoring me if i didnt do are she wanted". how can she make you do things? its not as if you are in physical contact with her, unless of course you are!
if she is a compulsive liar, how can you believe that anything she tells you is the truth? do you know her husband is abusing her? how do you know she is not abusing her husband? why would you think if she was being abused that she was using that to manipulate you?
there seems to be a lot going on with her but i think also that there is a lot going on with you. if she is desperate for sex and she is your friend why not suggest that she get herself down to ann summers and buy herself a vibrator. sorry if this offends but this is real life. maybe if she is a manipulative compulsive liar her husband is repulsed by that. she may be a beauty, who knows but there is more to beauty than physical appearance.
why would with holding sex from her be cruel? maybe he is impotent. you are saying things but not saying enough to warrant a real response. but i would say this to you - you sound like you are unsure of yourself in this situation.
if you for one moment have any reason to feel uneasy about this relationship then go with your feelings.
thread carefully and dont get yourself drawn into a situation where you could get very badly hurt, both physically and emotionally.
the internet is a great place to meet with people but for god's sake be careful. if you are vulnerable yourself, you can be drawn into a relationship and you think it is only chatting online but your emotions are involved and if you yourself are looking for friendship you, in your desperate need for love, attention and all the other things that go with relationships will find it hard to let go. just because it is online it doesnt mean that you will find it any easier to walk away than if she was your best friend next door.
if you are invited to meet this woman off line and you want to do it, then take all the precautions that are given to people who meet in this way. she may be genuine but i would thread with care.
it sounds to like you have been sucked in with your emotions. CAREFUL!!!!
:confused::hug:
 
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whatshouldido

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Okay I will explain a bit more.
We got very friendly on a forum. According to her, her husband didn't like our friendship but she managed to persuade him that she could comminicate with me over a messaging service (like MSN but a different one) Neither of us had any other contacts. In the beginning we would talk for hours but after a while she started switching on to the service but ignoring me. Then she'd come back with a silly reason as the service must have switched itself on because I was on the motorway at 10.26 when you said hello. There are lots of other examples I could give you.This progressed to being invisible and then making comments about what I'd been doing although she apparently wasn't on the computer. With the service we were using it tells the other person whether you are at your computer or not. So if your computer was idle for 10 minutes, it would say.

This then progressed to stories of how she'd got to take her little girl out in the cold, to go and fetch something. Then she would stay at her computer for an hour or so and then supposedly come back and say its freezing outside. The whole idea of the messaging is, if you don't want someone to know you are lying, you wouldn't go on or be invisible without saying you are. She deliberately wanted to cause me upset.

Because I was on my own, divorced with 2 children, and because we got on so well, I loved talking to her. As time wore on, i could tell if i'd upset her. I wanted to not upset her so I started to do things that wouldn't warrant her ignoring me for punishment. I did get sucked in big time but I started to realise I was being manipulated after she made advances to me all the time that I found very difficult to deal with. I ended up saying I felt the world of her and that I was pleased that she had these feelings about me. Then she turned it around and said she was worried about my infatuation for her. Thats when I realised I'd been manipulated. I told her I was going to leave her be.

4/5 days later she contacted me through the PM system on the forum we both go on, saying had I been trying to contact her because she'd mistakenly deleted the messaging service. I sent one back explaining the hurt she had caused me and putting into detail everything that had happened. Her answer was Wow big deal out of nothing.

But I'm worried about her health and don't know whether I should try and get her to see she needs to do something or just leave it there.

She told me her husband was not having sex with her because she had refused 9 years ago when she was pregnant. She said her husband calls her names and encourages their 9 year old daughter to disrespect her as well. She has given me the impression that her husband is a very cruel man.
 
J

justlikeawoman

Guest
whatshouldido

Okay I will explain a bit more.
We got very friendly on a forum. According to her, her husband didn't like our friendship but she managed to persuade him that she could comminicate with me over a messaging service (like MSN but a different one) Neither of us had any other contacts. In the beginning we would talk for hours but after a while she started switching on to the service but ignoring me. Then she'd come back with a silly reason as the service must have switched itself on because I was on the motorway at 10.26 when you said hello. There are lots of other examples I could give you.This progressed to being invisible and then making comments about what I'd been doing although she apparently wasn't on the computer. With the service we were using it tells the other person whether you are at your computer or not. So if your computer was idle for 10 minutes, it would say.

This then progressed to stories of how she'd got to take her little girl out in the cold, to go and fetch something. Then she would stay at her computer for an hour or so and then supposedly come back and say its freezing outside. The whole idea of the messaging is, if you don't want someone to know you are lying, you wouldn't go on or be invisible without saying you are. She deliberately wanted to cause me upset.

Because I was on my own, divorced with 2 children, and because we got on so well, I loved talking to her. As time wore on, i could tell if i'd upset her. I wanted to not upset her so I started to do things that wouldn't warrant her ignoring me for punishment. I did get sucked in big time but I started to realise I was being manipulated after she made advances to me all the time that I found very difficult to deal with. I ended up saying I felt the world of her and that I was pleased that she had these feelings about me. Then she turned it around and said she was worried about my infatuation for her. Thats when I realised I'd been manipulated. I told her I was going to leave her be.

4/5 days later she contacted me through the PM system on the forum we both go on, saying had I been trying to contact her because she'd mistakenly deleted the messaging service. I sent one back explaining the hurt she had caused me and putting into detail everything that had happened. Her answer was Wow big deal out of nothing.

But I'm worried about her health and don't know whether I should try and get her to see she needs to do something or just leave it there.

She told me her husband was not having sex with her because she had refused 9 years ago when she was pregnant. She said her husband calls her names and encourages their 9 year old daughter to disrespect her as well. She has given me the impression that her husband is a very cruel man.
hi
just came back on here to check something and saw you had replied.
personally i think you should be very careful with this person. i say person because do you even know it is a woman.
please dont allow yourself to be sucked into her problems.
i mean to say - ok her she withholds sex from her husband because she is pregnant. now honestly, do you think that she is the sort of woman who is abused. because if he is the abuser she says he is then he would have had it whether she is pregnant or not. i am not saying he isnt abusive but maybe not in the way she says. there are usually two sides to every story.
as for her daughter being disrespectful to her - then she can do something. she could go on strike. her life isnt as bad as some people's - she gets to use msn or similar. most women in bad situations dont get that chance.
also is he at home with her all day and night. and she needs to take control of her daughter. like for instance saying directly to her - dont you dare speak to me like that and discipline her for doing it.
there is help for women in abusive situations. so if you want to help her with that advise her to go to women aid or similar.
i think she is manipulating you.
as for her twist on your feelings for her. there are lots of women out there who are power crazy and i think she could be one of these. it is just a game she is playing with you.
why not just write to her and give her an ultimatum -
like for instance - if you are my friend then be my friend and stop your stupid game playing. grow up. and you talk about your husband disrespecting you and your daughter doing likewise - well how about you showing respect for me?
you are online. she isnt like in your face so just tell her. and i would also tell her, while you were looking for friendship you arent looking for romance with her. spell it out clearly. dont be afraid. keep a history of your conversations with her so if she tries anything like emotional or physical blackmail you have a record of your own words to back you up. because there are lots of different sexual diverities it doesnt mean because you say you like her that you fancy her. take charge of your life.
also speaking of words. this the thing with msn - you are just dealing with words. there is no body language. no tone in the voice - just words. so you have to take all that is said as just words.
like if i write - i am your friend - they are words. you believe what i write.
if you are in my presence and i say with arms open wide and a smile on my face - you are my friend. you know i am being open, honest and welcoming.
if you are in my presence and we are having an argument and the rubber hits the road and i say
YOU ARE MY FRIEND - AND MY FACIAL EXPRESSION IS LIKE "OH YEAH RIGHT!"
then you know i am angry with you and doubting our friendship. like with the expression - with friends like you who needs enemies!
you sound like a lovely person. you really do.
i dont know if you get out and meet people. you may have lots of friends. but dont let this woman use you in this way.
i tell you what
i am a christian. i will pray for you and your children.
keep yourself protected, especially where you have children. this is a big bad world - there are a lot of wolves going around in sheep's clothing.
i am here if you want to write to me.
no strings attached - HONEST!!!!
GOD BLESS!
i forgot to say this to you - regarding computers - they do play up.
last week i was online to a friend and msn was showing my son's partner as being online and i kept sending her messages on and off but was getting no reply. i was getting a bit miffed at this.
then at lunch time i got a message from her saying she'd been out all morning.
she hadnt been online and in fact her computer was turned off.
now i know she wasnt lying cos she is a driving instructor and has to go out.
also i have been offline when my computer has shown up that i was online.
but even so - just be careful.
i am not very good at computers but i am learning very slowly, because i have a disability that makes my concentration levels very low i have to take things slowly. if it all comes at once i get overwhelmed.
if you are not great on computers - then if you know somebody who does know how to use them really well, try to get them to show you how to do bits and pieces like keeping a record of your conversations with people, especially people you dont know.
i only recently wrote on this forum about taking care on the internet. i think it is under safety on the internet - if you wish to read it.
sorry for rambling - but this is a real big issue for me.
god bless
:hug:
 
sandybob

sandybob

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hi whatshouldido :welcome:

i think its always wise to exercise some caution with internet friends ...

trust your instinct :hug:
 
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whatshouldido

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Thank you for replying. I will have a think about what you've written. You have made a lot of sense to me and I thank you for that.
 
Rorschach

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hi whatshouldido :welcome:

i think its always wise to exercise some caution with internet friends ...

trust your instinct :hug:
Yep, there this person I know from the internet called sandysomething, but I think she's ok :p

Glad to have you aboard :welcome:
 
daffy

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Do take care on the internet and what you say. The first one i joined i got sucked into a friendship. To begin with we were alays chatting, then she started saying weird things and whatever seemed to happen to me or my family happened to her. Then her lies started to trip her up and i became very wary. Another member then let me know she was saying quite nasty things behind my back. I promptly took her off my msn and even tho she e mailed a few times i ignored them.

Some people just enjoy manipulating others.
 
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Dollit

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People aren't always what they seem on the internet. It is easy to exaggerate who you are or what you are. Personally I couldn't be bothered with the charade - it's hard enough being me without trying to be someone else! If anyone here feels unsure about someone else on the forum send a pm to one of the senior moderators or the adminstrators and we'll check things out for you. :)
 
dunglen

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well put dollit

i don't have the energy to be anybody other than who i am but as i am usually very trusting. I found this was an interesting post as I could be vulnerable using open forums.

Adding that users could pm senior members is a useful way that posters have a way of asking about their own safety.

thanks
 
Rorschach

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People aren't always what they seem on the internet. It is easy to exaggerate who you are or what you are. Personally I couldn't be bothered with the charade - it's hard enough being me without trying to be someone else! If anyone here feels unsure about someone else on the forum send a pm to one of the senior moderators or the adminstrators and we'll check things out for you. :)
I'm so many different people it depends which way the wind blows as to which side you get. Multifaceted rather than split ;) I like to think of people as sets, and social interaction like intersecting venn diagrams...
 
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Dollit

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Rorschach (and I mean this in the most complementary way) I have never met anyone like you before - you have a fantastic take on things! (y)
 
Rorschach

Rorschach

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Rorschach (and I mean this in the most complementary way) I have never met anyone like you before - you have a fantastic take on things! (y)

To be honest Dollit, judging me on the internet is not the best way to take me. The fact that this (i.e. the internet) is quite detached means I can seem reasonable. In real life when people say or do stupid things I can quite easily lose my rag. To be honest most of my interaction now takes place using the internet as there's absolutely no point losing your rag while sat at a PC. Had my first therapy session today, hopefully it's going to help me see how I can control myself in real life situations; losing my rag has become a boring personality trait.
 
D

Dollit

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Well I hope the therapy goes well. I did a lot of flaming temper stuff when I first got diagnosed. Everyone told me it was because I was angry but it turned out I was manic and I even irritated myself. Thankfully I've settled down, I find anger quite overpowering and I can become quite speechless with rage over things that don't actually count. The big things just go straight over my head.
 
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