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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

i need help !!!

E

emurray612

New member
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
3
Location
scotland
lost it all

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the first few years after my ab was pretty bad. but once i learned to accept it and "tune in", the last 10 years was pretty magical, and empowering because of how much i had learned, and how much i grew to appreciate in this life that i had previously taken for granted.
and then, an explosion of temper at my partner 2 weeks ago.
and now, it feels like the whole lot has gone and was wasted.
i was always a spiritual and intuitive and creative person, as a few women from here know from my card readings.
let's make a list of what i feel i have lost since the temper 2 weeks ago :-

- my emotions. the ache of love (or maybe grief) that i carried around for 15 years, and the compassion that came with it.
- my "empathy" with the world, people around me, my surroundings, the whole universe. i feel like i have lost the connection. the bond of recognition of something human even when you meet a stranger.
- my intuition and creativity have all gone.
- the "guiding light" in my heart has gone out.
- all the beauty and "grace" has gone out of my life.
- i used to feel that the whole world was somehow on my side, but now suddenly it is not.
- i feel like i've lost that part of me that was "god, goddess, the collective consciousness, the universe" or whatever.
- for 15 years i was a positive person whatever the crisis. now all i feel in me is negative.
-when i was down myself, i used to receive only positive signals from the world outside me, but now that has stopped and the world suddenly seems very negative.
- i feel like the little bit of good that was left in me has gone.
- the spirit of truth has left me. i used to feel it inside me, and try to speak it, or write it, and heard it and read it and saw it all around me in the world.
- but right now i feel i am no longer on the same wavelength as the world, even tho i was for the larger share of the last 15 years.
- for 15 years i felt the "unity" in the world around me at least, even if had turmoil inside myself. but suddenly i no longer feel the unity around me.
- for 15 years i was on a spiritual journey, to what i thought was my destiny. but now it feels the journey is over.
- the turmoil inside has stopped. my mind is at peace for the first time in 15 years, empty of all eternal questions of life, death and the universe etc, what i called my "little bit of genius" has gone, but gone with it has the glow in my heart, and all my creativity.
- all i learned in 15 years ... seems to no longer matter to anybody or anything.

that list just about sums it up.
and this was not post ab. my experiences post ab were totally different.
this was the result of a huge loss of temper 2 weeks ago when i was pushed to crisis point to make a quick that i couldn't. and that was the climax of an ongoing battle between me and partner about whether i should give up my own home to live and settle in his rented apartment where he's lived all his life, and where i have also been living last 3 years.

an art therapist shortly after the ab 15 years ago told me that when i had the ab i "reversed the poles" inside ... you know, the black and white yin yank symbol of balance ... male/female, dark/light, good/evil, mind/heart etc, each half the exact opposite of each other but also conatining a small part of the other too, for the attraction. and now i worry that the final explosion of temper somehow reversed them back again. she explained that it's like trying to place 2 magnets together the wrong way round (wrong polarity) and the repel each other. but if you reverse one of them, the draw close. maybe she was right, because since the ab i felt a real magnetism between me and the world. but now it feels all the balance has gone.

all i am praying for is for the light to come back into my heart. i don't care what price i pay mentally any more, or the hardships of life. i need those intrinsic parts of myself that i have lost. for 12 years all i hoped for was to meet the right man at some point. at first when we met i felt like i had met my life saviour. but i became no more than a prisoner to him. he refused to "play second fiddle" to my spirituality and my creativity, and set out on a mission to crush this side of me. seems he's succeeded. and now i am still in the same dilemma whether to stay with him living on hopes and promises, or go back to my own home or somewhere else in search of myself again.

Re: lost it all

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i feel as if "god" or whatever we might call it has gone out of my life and my world. for 15 years i used to see and hear and feel him in every person and every animal and everything around me in the whole universe. and i felt the spirit inside too.
and now ... just gone.
maybe it will all come back once this big decision is made about where to live ?

i almost feel like i was schizophrenic for 15 years and my explosion of temper cured it. but, i wanna go back !!!
 
D

diddypinks

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 7, 2009
Messages
1,946
it may be the apathy that comes with sitzophrenia also your under a lot of stress with moving not moving (i was told that moving house is a stress only equal to bereavement!) by a cpn. stress can cause problems for people like us take care diddy:)
 
L

littlemiss436

Active member
Joined
Jun 20, 2009
Messages
26
Location
on the edge of nowhere
I'm at my most creative and spiritual when my mental health is suffering. I don't quite understand it but I know where you are coming from.

:hug:

As diddy says, moving home is very stressful. The situation with your partner sound hard, and I hope you manage to talk it over and come to a happy resolution for both of you.
Have faith that when this situation clears, which it will, you will begin to feel better.
Sometimes situations are so draining they take it all out of you... it will return. Maybe this is the universe telling you to focus on the current situation for now?

Take care
Lil
 
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