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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I need help..

K

Kcbp

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Ny
hi ...

(Background)..
29 f diagnosed with bipolar around age 16-17. After being told i have severe depression (age:11-16) and constantly switching antidepressants, things got worse and they realized i was bipolar and discontinued all the anti depressants as they were creating frequent manic episodes ( which I didn’t have or at least remember having before all the med experimenting)

after years of more medication experimenting , now with bp meds and multiple ER visits... a psych finally had come up with a cocktail if medications for me that seemed to “ work “ i was taking geodon, buspar, topamax, welbutrin, and a few other things that were to treat the twitches , tremors and convulsions being caused from the geodon.. which now i still suffer from, it has become slightly less noticeable (to the public) i seem to have made myself believe that at least.

anyway i remained on the meds for many many years , always being hesitant to let anyone attempt to make adjustments. The meds “ helped” kind of...they helped mellow me the heck out .. so much so I forgot the person i used to be , but not in a good way. They made it so i had less manic episodes, and when i did it was slightly easier to pull out of them. They mostly kept me“ down” or in a “ zombie state” it became hard to even smile, i was in a constant state of depression which really only felt like numbness , i never actually truly felt my feelings( if that makes sense) i would then very randomly have manic episodes of full on rage. It was until 2017 i had a manic episode that was a “ good high” however others picked up on it though i was still in denial. At this time i was in a hospital program for eating disorders but they helped a little with the bp. Here i had been a little more open to med adjustments however none of the changes ended up being helpful at all after leaving this program i found myself back in the hospital not even a month later in the psych program where I became so desperate I allowed them to adjust my meds freely because i knew i was not “ok” and i was very suicidal. During this time they royally f***ed my life and I developed a huge fear , i was terrified to leave my house specifically my bedroom, I could not even go down the driveway to the mailbox i didnt leave home for a month, i was afraid to shower I became paranoid someone would come in and hurt me, well u ended up realizing this was not ok and discharged myself over the phone.

i feel i am now just talkin too much so im just guna do bullet points

since age 12-29 things I suffer with

-self mutilation
-Depression
-rage
-anxiety
-eating disorders
-voices
-dissociation
-paranoia


1-2 yrs ago: worked with my psychiatrist atm to ween off all of my meds i didnot want them anymore i was tired of being a zombie
- first few months withdrawn on and off not doing ok
- then i felt AMAZING, i felt free and like i could breathe again, i felt like me , however now i felt my emotions.. which wasn’t actually that great at all
- I managed I distracted myself and i was for the most part episode free for a decent amount of time being off meds
- now... for months have been rapid cycling and this is the worst i have ever been ... i am not ok and i feel that my disorder is now driving a wedge between my fiance and i who rarely ever fought, now we fight daily and by fighting i guess in reality actually means that im losing my s**t daily over dumb, really dumb things and then crash follows up pretty quickly, im crying until ive made myself so sick and its just constant now all day sometimes but at least one time everyday i have an episode

i do not want to go back on meds but i know i need help bad! Is any one or do you know anyonr managing other ways without meds??

Sorry this is so long
 
M

markprosso538

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
89
Location
Pennsylvania
Hi,
I'm sorry you're struggling. I was on meds for over 2 years (risperdal, lamictal, and lexapro). I weened myself off against everyones advice in January and all in all it was okay. I had a lot of energy and trouble sleeping and vicious swings for the first 2-3 months. Risperdal was the one that scared my coming off because I knew it was keeping me sedated, which I loved at first, but after awhile I really just wanted to feel normal again.

It's a tough spot to be in, and different doctors say you need this but not this, then another dr contradicts the first one, I'm not sure who to beleive. And when I would try to tell them things, most of them would not listen and just say it's a phase, or it's covid or whatever. I wish I had never taken risperdal, lamictal was a good med and wouldn't mind trying to take it again. Lexapro didn't really seem to do anything. I've also taken remeron and Prozac, remeron was the only one that seemed to help but can't stand the weight gain.

Are there any meds you would be okay with taking? Maybe if you told your doctor you wern't going to take certain kinds of meds he might prescribe something less powerful and may even things out a little. That's my plan eventually, but a copay for a specialist for me is $50 which I can't afford. My coping is music mainly, but family and a few close friends to talk to help a lot too.
 
K

Kcbp

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Ny
Thank you for sharing, ive been on those as well unfortunately ive had bad reactions to them amongst other prescriptions ive tried. I think the only thing id be okay with is an anxiety med maybe i dont really know, i just hate being this way, i wish it didn’t exist any mental disorder for that matter. Its bull why do we have to suffer?
 
R

Rex Smith

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 30, 2020
Messages
227
Location
San Diego
I've experienced the medicated zombie life and living without medications. Both options isn't a way to blend easily with everyone else. Finding that middle ground is crucial.

To truly be yourself without meds requires an understanding and patience partner. It also requires knowledge and understanding on your part about your condition.

Don't get upset or angry about yourself. Who you are isn't a choice or something you can change. Keeping a journal really helps to learn to overcome minor triggers and to cope with who you really are.

Relationships. Your primary focus is you and not someone else. Those that gets involved with someone thats different should learn about them prior to establishing the relationship. Your home and work environment has the biggest impact on your life. Your choices on those will determine how you'll be able to function.

Life is going to be difficult and challenging. Surround yourself with people that's going to support and help you grow.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
4,249
Location
Nashua NH
Hi KCBP welcome to the forums. It sounds like your life has become unmanageable and was better with the meds. You have to balance out your desire to be off meds with your desire to live a decent quality of life. If it were me I would go back on the meds immediately no pressure. There is no need for relationships to suffer if you have already found a med regimen that works well for you. Sticking with some aspects of therapy, like medication,
is part of what makes our illnesses manageable for us. Just my two cents, hope it is helpful. xo, j
 
K

Kcbp

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Ny
Hi KCBP welcome to the forums. It sounds like your life has become unmanageable and was better with the meds. You have to balance out your desire to be off meds with your desire to live a decent quality of life. If it were me I would go back on the meds immediately no pressure. There is no need for relationships to suffer if you have already found a med regimen that works well for you. Sticking with some aspects of therapy, like medication,
is part of what makes our illnesses manageable for us. Just my two cents, hope it is helpful. xo, j

Thank you, what you are saying definitely makes sense to me, i have been reaching out to different places for help i really wanted to try cbt but with this virus its so hard to get any psych appointment at this point because everyone is upset about the virus so those of us who need constant help suffer more because we cant get it or get it quick enough. I am waiting to get a call back from a place i reached out to today in hopes of finding out what services they provide and what best works for me. I am not entirely opposed to going back on meds, i do prefer to not have to take a whole pharmacies worth of medication on a daily basis again lol, i dont know, i think alot of the other thought process i am having with treatments is more of feeling ashamed maybe , i always feel uncomfortable with myself in most situations, i dont like knowing that in order to feel “normal” or “functional “ i need to be heavily medicated, i feel like people just know and judge me and think i am a crazy person ( but in reality , ya know that one part of your brain that jumps back on and is like you know that most of your thoughts are your own made up delusions.. these people dont know i am on anything or that I suffer from whatever i have... i just feel like they do.) it is my own paranoia and insecurities, i dont like how i fee when i am hospitalized or doing out patient programs daily... i feel like sometimes it creates more thoughts of “ hey guess what K, you are a dysfunctional person who will always amount to nothing because you cant manage to keep yourself out of the hospital on suicide watch” ... wow.. after physically writing that all out i know why and where that thought stems from now, it just clicked. .... i was previous in an awful relationship which was destroying my mental health further... my ex would tell me that i was a “ psychopath “ because of the treatments/meds i needed and that i was a loser and all i know how to do is hurt myself and that i should just take my life already.... wow i heard that daily I guess that is where alot comes from actually lol sheesh I wish i realized this sooner

sorry im ranting again! Sorry!!! Lol but yes you are right i do need to Ease up and try medication again especially to give myself peace and get my relationship back to where it was.
 
K

keith74

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Canada
KCPB - I'm going to have to agree with JessisMe and also feel that you should get back to at least some dosage of meds. My wife has as found a set of meds that (mostly) work for her. There are times in our relationship where she decided to stop taking them because of some of the side effects. That will work only when life is stress-free. However we had an instance a few years ago when she was off meds and she had an unexpected stressful event. It devastated her and she spiraled into severe depression. We decided that the meds are a must to deal with those curveballs. And sometimes even then it is not enough (this is my current situation that I posted in another post). But at least there is some baseline there to help if you are on the meds. Unfortuately the meds that work for you have a much greater impact on your personality than the meds my wife is taking. But I hope you can find some happy medium that works for you.
 
K

Kcbp

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Ny
KCPB - I'm going to have to agree with JessisMe and also feel that you should get back to at least some dosage of meds. My wife has as found a set of meds that (mostly) work for her. There are times in our relationship where she decided to stop taking them because of some of the side effects. That will work only when life is stress-free. However we had an instance a few years ago when she was off meds and she had an unexpected stressful event. It devastated her and she spiraled into severe depression. We decided that the meds are a must to deal with those curveballs. And sometimes even then it is not enough (this is my current situation that I posted in another post). But at least there is some baseline there to help if you are on the meds. Unfortuately the meds that work for you have a much greater impact on your personality than the meds my wife is taking. But I hope you can find some happy medium that works for you.
Thank you for sharing, that pretty similar to my own situation, so as i said ive been off the meds and was doing great for the most part but like your wife i too had an event which ultimately has just lead up to this awful downward spiral. I lost a loved one this past nov, I was in a car accident this past dec and have basically lost everything.. the woman who hit me almost killed me, she is fine her car was fine mine however is destroyed i since lost my job have undergone several procedures and surgies which have basically done nothing im in constant pain and have no feeling in my hand. And then ofc covid happend my family was effected and so many other things its insane! And i guess that is kinda how the episodes have crept back up ...

does your wife take daily medication or does she only use prn for the stressful life events?
 
K

keith74

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Canada
So sorry to hear of those tragedies happening! It is no wonder you would be struggling now. Anyone would be struggling to deal with those tragedies, even if on meds.

My wife was taking daily medication as maintenance to help shield against those stressful life events. But during her current manic episode, she feels like it is no longer necessary which has me worried:
 
K

Kcbp

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Ny
So sorry to hear of those tragedies happening! It is no wonder you would be struggling now. Anyone would be struggling to deal with those tragedies, even if on meds.

My wife was taking daily medication as maintenance to help shield against those stressful life events. But during her current manic episode, she feels like it is no longer necessary which has me worried:
Now I understand, i read your post that you attatched, sorry i am also new and not very tech savy to really even use this site lol so i havent navigated on here much to have seen It myself... I definitely understand where your anxiety is coming from. I too like your wife am in the worst state ive ever been in and unfortunately my fiance is getting most of my rath and i feel awful! Because of my rapid cycling however, i realize very quickly that i am actually not ok.. one moment im screaming and angry, then im hysterical crying and then im feeling hyper and excited and in denial then back to miserable and then a mellow stage of reality comes back ... this has been everyday.. i know i am difficult to deal with currently, so the guilt is killing me feeling like my fiance will resent me and knowing how frightened he has become.
From my understanding, given your wife’s history of mental illness drs do not actually like to take bipolar patients off medication completely they may suggest new ones. What your wife does with them no one but her can actually control though. I also know that if she is completely out of control and is then considered a danger to herself or others and refuses her medication and is acting irrational and or violent, some of the psych meds are made as injectables for emergency purposes, i know the geodon which i took was made that way. From what i read it seems your wife is still in the hospital? In my opinion to calm yourself i would take a breath and remind yourself that the doctors are controlling things for her and with you providing your concerns to them they will be more cautious. Trust that things will get better. I hope for her and even myself that we find peace and this current state and episodes are temporary and calm soon, both your wife and i are experiencing episodes that were triggered by “trauma” and stress induced. Hopefully when the things around us calm and the life situations which are ultimately out of out control seem to wind down hopefully “normal life” finds its way back .
 
K

keith74

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Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Canada
I went to the hospital to take my wife home after the discharge. But things were delayed because she blew up at the head psychologist who was interviewing her before the discharge. They have since delayed the discharge. I hope they are re-evaluating how serious my wife's mania is now. My wife sent me home. She is fuming in her room, saying she is going to punch the psychologist. I'm actually hoping she does...
 
K

Kcbp

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Ny
I went to the hospital to take my wife home after the discharge. But things were delayed because she blew up at the head psychologist who was interviewing her before the discharge. They have since delayed the discharge. I hope they are re-evaluating how serious my wife's mania is now. My wife sent me home. She is fuming in her room, saying she is going to punch the psychologist. I'm actually hoping she does...
Oh man!! Yea i mean if shes acting out and being irrational and even threatening violence they will definitely reevaluate her. The thing. Is a lot of the time i know because i tend to be good at it. Im sure if its a “gift” some may even say a “ curse” but i feel when people have mental disorders like this we become really great at acting, we can persuade at times to prove we are “ ok” and that this was all a misunderstanding. However because we aren’t actually “ ourselves “ during episodes we arent thinking that clearly so any little thing will send us vack and snap which will then ultimately leave others questioning if we are “ truly ok” lol ive done it many times. It seems maybe your wife has done the same here. Hopefully though that will work in her benefit and yours in the long run, sure she is pissed right now but since the drs have seen her act out they will hopefully reevaluate and give her proper treatment
 
F

Fictionprison

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
5
Location
TN
Kcpb, I do not have any formal medical background, but after living with a bipolar wife for 10 years, I have read and researched everything I could find on the subject. I am not claiming to be an expert at all, this is just from personal experience. I completely understand why you would want to stop taking your meds, because going through life without being able to feel emotions is not really living. My wife is on her third different round of meds, Abilify and Lamictal. On these meds she has been suffering from emotional blunting and severe depression. The psychiatrist is now going to adjust her meds yet again and try a lower dose.

My advice is this: don't give up on the meds. I know you were hesitant to try different combos, but have to spoke to your doctor about maybe trying a lower dose instead? I have read many firsthand accounts where the issue was as simple as lowering the dose a bit. Then again, I have read just as many where it wasn't helpful. It could take years to find the right combo and dosage of meds that will work for you, just don't ever give up.
 
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