Z
Zainab
New member
Hello everyone.. I am not sure where to begin so I am sorry if this ends up being a long one.. I do know one thing and that is that I need some insight and some assistance in to my situation, desperately..
so about a year ago I ended up on a website where individuals meet for casual And purely sexual, short term relationships.. I came across a wonderful guy and informed him that very night that I was in a committed relationship which I would (and could) not leave due to cultural reasons..
as time passed by, he confided in ne about his mental illnesses and past history of addiction. I didn’t have any problem with this and wanted to learn more to support him in every way possible.. then, the thing that was not meant to to happen, happened. He developed very strong feelings for me. I ended up travelling outside of the country on an emergency basis and ended up being stranded there for months..this guy’s mental health started crumbling in front of me. I didn’t know much back then about psychosis, bipolar disorder Or schizophrenia but I during these months when I was stranded across the globe and under strict lockdown (covid19), I searched up as much as I could and educated myself on these subjects. At times his mental status would be so bad that he would sob for 8 hours straight on the phone. This was exhausting for me as I was going through hell myself and there was a 12 hour time difference but I didn’t want to leave him with no support. He has told me so many horror stories of how the police had treated him so awfully while he was in psychosis and I didnt even know that I had the option of calling someone to check on him all those months when I was sobbing, thinking that day would be the day he would end up killing himself..he would be having non mental health related health issues that would leave him moaning on the floor at 3am and he would not go to the hospital or call an ambulance from fear of being locked up.. his family is not involved, he does not have any siblings and I have never met any of his friends and he is clearly displaying signs and Symptoms Of psychosis by this point. He has lost so much weight that his bones Are sticking out..
Anyways, I end up coming back and I rush to him after my quarantine period is over and things are good one day and not so good every other day.. he wakes up and bursts in tears, I saw him in such a state that I couldn’t recognize him during psychosis one time. He was beating an object and hallucinating in front of my eyes..
he has now started accusing me of having promised him things that I would never do because I have always been careful of not wanting to mislead him. I didn’t know much about these two mental health disorders but I always knew that it would be a disastrous idea to mislead him. He says I promised him, I say I didn’t and then one day he says he would be able to get over the entire thing if I just accept that I did promise.. I knew it was a bad idea but he was suffering and I figured if there was a one percent possibility of him actually being able to move on, I should just admit it. I did say maybe I promised him while I was drunk and he was okay for a week but now he keeps going back every second day.. it’s hell.
I can’t leave him because he has no one else. No emotional, financial or any other sort of support. He has major health issues and surgeries coming ahead in less than three weeks. He has admitted to feeling suicidal more than 20 times. If I contact the police, they may not treat him until he is stable and release him and then I have lost his trust. ( I am not afraid of him, he has never threatened me or tried to hurt me)
If I stay, I am making him suffer. I can’t be with him. I come from a cultural background where I can’t just walk away from a marriage and my family will never accept a man from a different culture, ethnic or religious background. It would be a suicide mission if I tried to reveal this relationship to anyone and no matter how hard I try to explain it to him, he doesn’t understand.
Again, given the circumstances, I can’t walk away from him but by sticking around, I am being cruel and making his suffer. I understand this.
how should I deal with this?? My personal life is a mess. My emotions are all over the place and my own mental health is not too great. I suffer from anxiety related insomnia, ptsd and depression myself. I know his psychiatrist is constantly telling him not to see me. He distances himself from me for 2 or 3 days and then tells me he is stable enough to see me and that he would like to see me. I go to make sure he doesn’t have self harm marks and that he has food in his fridge and everything is normal and then he breaks down so bad.. I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do..
so about a year ago I ended up on a website where individuals meet for casual And purely sexual, short term relationships.. I came across a wonderful guy and informed him that very night that I was in a committed relationship which I would (and could) not leave due to cultural reasons..
as time passed by, he confided in ne about his mental illnesses and past history of addiction. I didn’t have any problem with this and wanted to learn more to support him in every way possible.. then, the thing that was not meant to to happen, happened. He developed very strong feelings for me. I ended up travelling outside of the country on an emergency basis and ended up being stranded there for months..this guy’s mental health started crumbling in front of me. I didn’t know much back then about psychosis, bipolar disorder Or schizophrenia but I during these months when I was stranded across the globe and under strict lockdown (covid19), I searched up as much as I could and educated myself on these subjects. At times his mental status would be so bad that he would sob for 8 hours straight on the phone. This was exhausting for me as I was going through hell myself and there was a 12 hour time difference but I didn’t want to leave him with no support. He has told me so many horror stories of how the police had treated him so awfully while he was in psychosis and I didnt even know that I had the option of calling someone to check on him all those months when I was sobbing, thinking that day would be the day he would end up killing himself..he would be having non mental health related health issues that would leave him moaning on the floor at 3am and he would not go to the hospital or call an ambulance from fear of being locked up.. his family is not involved, he does not have any siblings and I have never met any of his friends and he is clearly displaying signs and Symptoms Of psychosis by this point. He has lost so much weight that his bones Are sticking out..
Anyways, I end up coming back and I rush to him after my quarantine period is over and things are good one day and not so good every other day.. he wakes up and bursts in tears, I saw him in such a state that I couldn’t recognize him during psychosis one time. He was beating an object and hallucinating in front of my eyes..
he has now started accusing me of having promised him things that I would never do because I have always been careful of not wanting to mislead him. I didn’t know much about these two mental health disorders but I always knew that it would be a disastrous idea to mislead him. He says I promised him, I say I didn’t and then one day he says he would be able to get over the entire thing if I just accept that I did promise.. I knew it was a bad idea but he was suffering and I figured if there was a one percent possibility of him actually being able to move on, I should just admit it. I did say maybe I promised him while I was drunk and he was okay for a week but now he keeps going back every second day.. it’s hell.
I can’t leave him because he has no one else. No emotional, financial or any other sort of support. He has major health issues and surgeries coming ahead in less than three weeks. He has admitted to feeling suicidal more than 20 times. If I contact the police, they may not treat him until he is stable and release him and then I have lost his trust. ( I am not afraid of him, he has never threatened me or tried to hurt me)
If I stay, I am making him suffer. I can’t be with him. I come from a cultural background where I can’t just walk away from a marriage and my family will never accept a man from a different culture, ethnic or religious background. It would be a suicide mission if I tried to reveal this relationship to anyone and no matter how hard I try to explain it to him, he doesn’t understand.
Again, given the circumstances, I can’t walk away from him but by sticking around, I am being cruel and making his suffer. I understand this.
how should I deal with this?? My personal life is a mess. My emotions are all over the place and my own mental health is not too great. I suffer from anxiety related insomnia, ptsd and depression myself. I know his psychiatrist is constantly telling him not to see me. He distances himself from me for 2 or 3 days and then tells me he is stable enough to see me and that he would like to see me. I go to make sure he doesn’t have self harm marks and that he has food in his fridge and everything is normal and then he breaks down so bad.. I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do..
