I need Help.

[Asinis]

Hello and thank you to anyone who responds to this rant. This is both strange and new to me. I don't really know how to come at this, or what i expect to get from it. I don't know if its confirmation that i want/need, i just know i need some help. I've suspected for a while now that i might have BPD, but i don't know how to talk about it without sounding like a hypochondriac, or just another attention seeking scumbag. The last thing i want is attention, I just want some advice.

I haven't sought any kind of clinical help for what i suspect is wrong with me, although I've tried counselling and medication for anxiety and depression. It has never helped. Anxiety and depression have never felt like the cause of how i feel; just the symptoms of of a bigger problem. I've always had trouble connecting with people, especially men, on a deep level, and my intimate relationships with women have always ended in disaster. I've had a constant struggle with my sense of identity, and have often felt as though i have no soul, as if i'm a dead and empty vessel. I've supplemented the void with drugs and alcohol, and have recently recovered from four years of addiction to crystal meth. social situations make me incredibly anxious when i'm sober, but when i'm high I can talk to anyone, make friends with anyone. I fall in love instantly and just as quickly fall out of it and descend into hatred. I go from relationship to relationship messing up other peoples lives and feeling sorry for myself even with the knowledge it was my fault.

I'm constantly paranoid about what people think of me whilst simultaneously knowing i'm being an idiot. When my emotions become to much, i either self destruct with drink and drugs or self harm. I have almost no interest in bettering myself academically, its not laziness, i work hard and scratch out a living in dead end working class jobs, i just don't care, I've been told i'm smart or i'm wasting my potential and so on and blah blah blah.

I haven't spoken to anyone about a diagnosis. I don't know how to. I'm scared i'm just an asshole and nothing is wrong with me, but at the same time i feel so mentally unwell and have done for such a long time. I'm scared about going to my doctor, telling them i think i have BPD and having them look at me like i'm and idiot and telling me i just need to be a better person. Im sick of feeling like such an evil person, and sometimes i don't feel like a person at all. I'm so alone in my head, im in so much pain.

I don't want to be reassured, i don't want sympathy, i just want to know if any of you have felt the same way? have any of you gotten help? and how have you gone about it? and anything else that might help? ill answer any questions, im not embarrassed about anything, i just want to do something about it and i don't know how.

 

[Mayflower7]

Hi,
Welcome to the forum,
Hope you get lots of replies.
Firstly a dr will listen to you, they can refer you to a mental health care team if necessary for an assessment by a nurse or a psychiatrist.
Hope you find support.
Take care

 

[Girl interupted]

You cannot navigate bpd without a therapist. Even if that’s not what you have, gather up all of your courage and go.

 

[Halle29]

Hello and thank you to anyone who responds to this rant. This is both strange and new to me. I don't really know how to come at this, or what i expect to get from it. I don't know if its confirmation that i want/need, i just know i need some help. I've suspected for a while now that i might have BPD, but i don't know how to talk about it without sounding like a hypochondriac, or just another attention seeking scumbag. The last thing i want is attention, I just want some advice.

I haven't sought any kind of clinical help for what i suspect is wrong with me, although I've tried counselling and medication for anxiety and depression. It has never helped. Anxiety and depression have never felt like the cause of how i feel; just the symptoms of of a bigger problem. I've always had trouble connecting with people, especially men, on a deep level, and my intimate relationships with women have always ended in disaster. I've had a constant struggle with my sense of identity, and have often felt as though i have no soul, as if i'm a dead and empty vessel. I've supplemented the void with drugs and alcohol, and have recently recovered from four years of addiction to crystal meth. social situations make me incredibly anxious when i'm sober, but when i'm high I can talk to anyone, make friends with anyone. I fall in love instantly and just as quickly fall out of it and descend into hatred. I go from relationship to relationship messing up other peoples lives and feeling sorry for myself even with the knowledge it was my fault.

I'm constantly paranoid about what people think of me whilst simultaneously knowing i'm being an idiot. When my emotions become to much, i either self destruct with drink and drugs or self harm. I have almost no interest in bettering myself academically, its not laziness, i work hard and scratch out a living in dead end working class jobs, i just don't care, I've been told i'm smart or i'm wasting my potential and so on and blah blah blah.

I haven't spoken to anyone about a diagnosis. I don't know how to. I'm scared i'm just an asshole and nothing is wrong with me, but at the same time i feel so mentally unwell and have done for such a long time. I'm scared about going to my doctor, telling them i think i have BPD and having them look at me like i'm and idiot and telling me i just need to be a better person. Im sick of feeling like such an evil person, and sometimes i don't feel like a person at all. I'm so alone in my head, im in so much pain.

I don't want to be reassured, i don't want sympathy, i just want to know if any of you have felt the same way? have any of you gotten help? and how have you gone about it? and anything else that might help? ill answer any questions, im not embarrassed about anything, i just want to do something about it and i don't know how.

Hi,
I feel that way every single day. I avoid meeting new people because I fear I will be rejected by them. I'm constantly obsessing about everything I have said and done. I used to drink myself till I blacked out in my mid 20's (no longer do that). I always used to put myself down. It boils down to loving the self. For me it involves undoing the negative learning that stemmed from an abusive childhood where I did not feel loved or protected. So I find that the biggest life lesson for me following this diagnosis is:
Loving myself
Being able to trust myself and others
And letting people in

 

[Halle29]

But yes, go see a doctor and they will properly diagnose you.

 

[Asinis]

Hi,
Welcome to the forum,
Hope you get lots of replies.
Firstly a dr will listen to you, they can refer you to a mental health care team if necessary for an assessment by a nurse or a psychiatrist.
Hope you find support.
Take care

Hi,
Welcome to the forum,
Hope you get lots of replies.
Firstly a dr will listen to you, they can refer you to a mental health care team if necessary for an assessment by a nurse or a psychiatrist.
Hope you find support.
Take care

That would be brilliant, it's just a bit hard with virus situation I suppose. And also the thank you so much to everyone else for your response.

 

[GodsArtist1971]

Hello and thank you to anyone who responds to this rant. This is both strange and new to me. I don't really know how to come at this, or what i expect to get from it. I don't know if its confirmation that i want/need, i just know i need some help. I've suspected for a while now that i might have BPD, but i don't know how to talk about it without sounding like a hypochondriac, or just another attention seeking scumbag. The last thing i want is attention, I just want some advice.

I haven't sought any kind of clinical help for what i suspect is wrong with me, although I've tried counselling and medication for anxiety and depression. It has never helped. Anxiety and depression have never felt like the cause of how i feel; just the symptoms of of a bigger problem. I've always had trouble connecting with people, especially men, on a deep level, and my intimate relationships with women have always ended in disaster. I've had a constant struggle with my sense of identity, and have often felt as though i have no soul, as if i'm a dead and empty vessel. I've supplemented the void with drugs and alcohol, and have recently recovered from four years of addiction to crystal meth. social situations make me incredibly anxious when i'm sober, but when i'm high I can talk to anyone, make friends with anyone. I fall in love instantly and just as quickly fall out of it and descend into hatred. I go from relationship to relationship messing up other peoples lives and feeling sorry for myself even with the knowledge it was my fault.

I'm constantly paranoid about what people think of me whilst simultaneously knowing i'm being an idiot. When my emotions become to much, i either self destruct with drink and drugs or self harm. I have almost no interest in bettering myself academically, its not laziness, i work hard and scratch out a living in dead end working class jobs, i just don't care, I've been told i'm smart or i'm wasting my potential and so on and blah blah blah.

I haven't spoken to anyone about a diagnosis. I don't know how to. I'm scared i'm just an asshole and nothing is wrong with me, but at the same time i feel so mentally unwell and have done for such a long time. I'm scared about going to my doctor, telling them i think i have BPD and having them look at me like i'm and idiot and telling me i just need to be a better person. Im sick of feeling like such an evil person, and sometimes i don't feel like a person at all. I'm so alone in my head, im in so much pain.

I don't want to be reassured, i don't want sympathy, i just want to know if any of you have felt the same way? have any of you gotten help? and how have you gone about it? and anything else that might help? ill answer any questions, im not embarrassed about anything, i just want to do something about it and i don't know how.

OMG I know this one! I took two acid trips at 19 years old and my friends got me back to my state into my dad’s hands and I wound up in a mental hospital where I hated it! Because I couldn’t relate to anyone there and didn’t consider myself I’ll ever. So I get out and my mom and dad are told by doctors that I’m bipolar. They kept on me till my late twenties to keep taking my meds but I was in denial so I turned to drinking alcohol. I didn’t want to be a mental case. By the time I was 33 I was so over saturated with alcohol taking my medicine half assed and I was hallucinating but still thought I was not I’ll at all. I wound up in a sober living psychiatric house for a year. I couldn’t breathe. But I lived through it and got out to my own apartment with government aid. Again I still hated my medicine because I felt suicidal and depressed. Okay this is my life until 46 years old. Suicidal anxious depressed turning to alcohol to escape. Working with massive hangovers at jobs. So I realized after I called a divorce after 9 years of marriage he was some diagnosis wouldn’t take medicine he didn’t like the way it made him feel so he’d rage a lot. I kicked him out. So now I’m 46 and I’m commit suicide after meditating on it my whole life poison and pills I survived. I’m now like so sick of my parents saying I have bipolar I have denial about it my husband even told me I acted bipolar. But I’m living myself with a high IQ and I know I’m more than that. Okay so I start this conversation with God I don’t care if it’s imagination it works. I’m now understood. I started it by 35 years old in the halfway house and it saved my life. I meet this doctor he’s elderly by 46 years old. I don’t want to feel anxious and depressed I’ve had it by now. I realized that one medication they put me on Geodon I could tolerate amongst the crap that didn’t work and made me feel worse. I’m a tough case to solve medically. I told this doctor I can tolerate Geodon at 40 mgs any higher than that and I’ll be violently ill because my tolerance to medicine is so severe I get horrible reactions. I’m now 30 years into medicine bad reaction hell. But I know I have severe anxiety and since they are all sure I’m bipolar the only mania and depression medicine called an antipsychotic that I can tolerate is Geodon but no higher that 40mgs twice a day otherwise I’m sick. He says okay. I get on it 40 mgs he explains I have a low tolerance to medicines. He puts me on clonazapam I knew about Buspar for anxiety he puts me on this too I knew about gabbapentin I puts me on this too all for anxiety. I know about these medicines because it’s been apart of concoctions in my past. I rounded up what works and those four work for me. Now I’m 49 and I’m healthy in my bipolar like my symptoms are mellowed out. So for the past three years I got to feel healthy for the first time in over 30 years. I read stuff on google app asking questions about bipolar or anxiety or anything I’m feeling and get answers for the past 3 years so I don’t just live and wonder about things anymore. I minimized my drinking but I still felt suicidal so 10 days ago I put the drink down. I spiked! He raised ny Geodon I felt crazed. After 10 days last night I put myself back on 40 mgs I’m past detox of alcohol at this point. I just woke up feeling normal. I’ll explain to him that the 60 mgs made me severely anxious. Now I’m even on 40 mgs past the alcohol crap cravings. I don’t feel suicidal and I’m just myself normal feeling. Point of all this dude is try out medication because I realize you and me spike and drop and have anxiety disorder. I looked it up on google anxiety is in the brain rapid synopsis the brain is firing rapidly only medicine can cure that not drugs and alcohol that I researched causes intense anxiety when it wears off. Please don’t become me by 46 years old finally getting healthy by 49 years old. Took me over 30 years to come to terms with all of this. But like you have to tell your doctor what the medicine feels like so they can switch it around it’s a hit and miss for a long time but it’s better than spiking dropping and living in drug anxiety dude. I’m on your side. You can do it!