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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I need help

J

Julien

New member
Joined
May 30, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Manchester (UK)
Sorry for the bad English but it is not my first language.



Hello,

My name is Julien and I have a problem since almost two year now.

Everything started back in august 2018. I came out of the closet to my parents because I wanted to move on with my life. I knew it was going to be difficult because they are very religious and were also homophobic at that time. And it was terrible indeed. I still remember what they told to me. They were in absolute denial and told me thing that I will change in the future and that I will find a woman.

After that, I forced myself to look at women, I forced myself to masturbate on women pictures and on straight porn but I couldn't do it. So what I was doing instead was to start looking at gay porn, and then just before ejaculating, switching immediately on pictures of girls. But I still couldn’t do it until one day I did and it was awful and I felt very disgusted by it.

During this time, I started to feel very uncomfortable when a I was crossing a woman or when one was near me. I just couldn't look to her in the eyes, the only I was seeing was her shape. I was trying to picture me with her and this was making me very sick, and even making me vomiting. I was scared that my penis would erect or that I would feel something for her. When a woman was in the same room with me, or that I have to talk to one, or if one was in my sight, I started to feel very uncomfortable. When I was going to bed, I couldn’t think about anything else than that. I even started to have nightmare where I was trying to look at women.


This has affected my everyday life for absolutely everything. I was afraid to go outside and to cross women in the streets, or that I have to talk to one.

In the same time, the relationship I had with my parents decreased a lot. I was not talking to them anymore or answering the phone when they were calling me. I talked to some people about it in the place I work but they couldn't help me.

This situation became unbearable and I decided to talk to a counsellor back in May 2019 because I hoped it could help me to sort this thing out. After that, I was able to write to my parents about all of this. Of course, they were very sorry about what they could have said or done to me and they never wanted to hurt me like this. Now, I realise that I should have given them some time too, but I think I was just traumatized by what they told me.


After that, I thought that the situation would improve but it didn’t. Only the relationship with my parents improved. I still have all the same problems as before. Moreover, when I look at porn now or pictures of men, I have some flash of naked women just before ejaculating and it tenses me up and it hurts me a lot. When I imagine myself with a man and having pleasure, I start to have these flashes again. And on top of that, the lockdown didn't help at all because I leave alone.



There are moments I feel ok, but there are moments I feel completely overwhelmed by it. In this moment I feel very sick and bad, sweating, heavy breathing or holding my breath, looking around nervously or staring at the floor, not able to focus and sometimes even suicidal thoughts. I also feel very stupid and angry against myself for what I tried to do and I remember all the bad things that happened to me. When I have to talk to a woman during these moments, I just can’t articulate and can’t look into her eyes. It’s like my brain is still trying to get something.



I want this to stop! I want to feel betterlike before! I want to be able to look at a woman again without caring at all like I always did!
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,892
Location
Nashua NH
Welcome Julien! I’m really sorry to hear about all of the trials you have been having with the thought of women lately. I’m glad that your relationship with your family is improving, though. I wonder if it might be helpful to meet with a therapist to seek their help with these problems you are having. Have you considered this at all?
 
J

Julien

New member
Joined
May 30, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Manchester (UK)
I will go back to France in July to see one. I just hope the lockdown will not interfere again.
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
3,731
Location
United States
I know they are your parents, but it seems they are in denial and don't know what to do. The worst thing to do is follow the advice of someone who doesn't know what to do. What they said shows no regard or respect for women at all and that may be why it is bothering your consciousness so much.
 
J

Julien

New member
Joined
May 30, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Manchester (UK)
It has improved a lot now, I think they also had a lot of questions about it and wanted some answers. Today, I think that they accepted it and that it is just the way it is.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,892
Location
Nashua NH
It has improved a lot now, I think they also had a lot of questions about it and wanted some answers. Today, I think that they accepted it and that it is just the way it is.
You must feel so relieved that your family has become more understanding!
 
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