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i need help with abusive ex

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sagee_!912

Member
Joined
May 4, 2018
Messages
18
Hello:) so I've been really struggling recently with a past abusive relationship. I met him when I was 15 and we were together for 3 years, which I know isn't that long, but it feels that way at such a young age. He was a really big part of my life but the whole situation was REALLY messed up, he was a narcissist.

Now it's a year later, I'm in college and I still struggle with severe depression/anxiety/ptsd that seemed to have been caused by these events, which have gotten really bad over the years. I still find myself experiencing episodes where I miss him really bad, and my ptsd gets really intense. Right now is one of those times, and it hurts a lot. Like, really really bad, and combined with other major things going on in my life, I'm having suicidal/self harm thoughts again. It makes me feel weak and pathetic, I mean I feel like a drama queen who can't move on from a stupid boy. I tried to confide in friends but they told me to stop being "obsessive" and move on because it wasn't that big a deal, which made me feel stupid. Also it's not really that easy.

Is it wrong to still struggle a year later? Or to miss him? Does anyone have any similar experiences? How long did it take for you to move past him/her? I feel like there's something wrong with me. I'm getting on and off professional help, I'm trying to meet new people and focus on the future, I really am trying hard to move past it and stop letting it affect me but it's not working. Especially since he's still a part of my life through family and friends and there's really nothing I can do about it. I wonder if it's still such a huge deal to me because it happened at such a defining age? I think maybe it also has to do a little with my dad, he is also abusive and I feel like it's hard for me to "heal" or whatever when similar things are happening and keeping me in this mindset. Any advice, opinions, stories, anything really, would be so so appreciated. I can't really talk to anybody about this. Thank you for reading:)
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,750
Location
Europe
I think you’ve touched on a few of the reasons you’re finding it difficult to move on. But talking about it is important and so it’s a good thing you’ve found these forums. Perhaps what you need to move past the old is a new relationship, a new influence in your life?
 
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Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
243
Location
USA
I was reading this thinking why was she in this abusive relationship in the first place? I'll bet she was repeating a pattern, and then I got to the part about your dad and that's where the real work lies.
I do have a story. My best friend growing up was abused by her father and got into an abusive marriage. After they split she rented a small basement apt. and spent an entire year isolated. All she did was go to work , come home and write in a journal. She just wrote and wrote and wrote about everything-all her childhood issues and her anger and when she finally got it all out, she emerged from that basement apt, told her parents off and started living a much different life. Somehow she had gotten in touch with that part of herself that knew her parents were the bad guys and she was fine. Actually, she is better than fine. She is one of the most self-aware people I know. She is so freaking cool and the most awesome mom. I call it post traumatic growth. And yes, it's a thing. People who have experienced this kind of damage can emerge with a much deeper inner strength and understanding than those who never have to do that kind of work.
 
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Nightingale77

Active member
Joined
May 24, 2017
Messages
30
Hi there, thanks for sharing. I did have similar experience like you mentioned. I met this ex-bf when I was 16 or 17. He was extremely controlling and possessive. He did not allowed me to talk to any guys and any friendly conversation with a guy and he would accused me of filrting. He would gave me a hard time, screamed at me and got physical with me. I was in the relationship for about 2 years plus. That was the first relationship that I experienced betrayal. He cheated on me. I’m 41 this year and only until recently I was able to come out from his shadow. I recognised that first, I have to forgive my 17 yo self for making that mistake for being in such a horrible relationship that it traumatised me so much and yet I was stupid enough to stay on. Second, this relationship does not define who I am. Same goes for you, It doesn’t define the person you are. Talking to some professional about it. Talking therapy helps. Like Mary26 suggested, maybe you can do that same too. Just write your thoughts and heart out! I hope you know you can recover from this bad relationship experience and emerge stronger. YOu will be ok. Praying for you. God bless!
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,065
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
Narcissists are freaking dangerous. The way they mess with you is unparalleled. It took me way more than a year to even begin to heal.
I find this guy on youtube really helpful: narcissism survivor.
He has a whole series on dealing with a narcissist in your life.

We are dealing with it now. My fiancee has just gone no contact with his parents and he is getting strong help from a very good therapist to go through this.

And I have just realized my daughter is a narcissist (+plus that x-boyfriend). I am crushed.

I am reading books on it, trying to get a handle on it, get information and understanding.
 
PurpleDaffodils

PurpleDaffodils

Active member
Joined
May 11, 2018
Messages
42
Location
Southern US
My father was verbally abusive throughout my life which destroyed most of my self-esteem which is why I fell so easily for my abusive ex who emotionally manipulated me into staying with him for 5 years despite his constant sexual abuse and at one point, after becoming incapacitated after taking too much prescribed medication to dull my anxiety, my eventual rape. It took me over a year, staying in this relationship before I came to terms with the fact my boyfriend had raped me. He knew full and well I was incapacitated from my medication, I can still remember everything, not being able to respond, not able to feel my body but being fully aware. I still get flashes from that night, I feel so horribly uncomfortable in my own skin.

For a year I suffered in silence never telling a soul what he'd done to me, it wasn't until I was finally free of him, I managed to remove myself from the situation by making myself numb to everything around me.

For awhile I had thought about staying only because I didn't know what else to do, I had been in that life for so long I worried there was always something worse around the corner, dwelling on it until finally I just decided I'd take the chance. I'm recovering relatively well, and for a little while I still had doubts, a piece of me almost gave up and went back to him but now looking back, after I got over that hurdle I feel sick at the thought of returning to that life.

He still calls me, he still messages me, he reposts old photos of us together on instagram and tags me in them. When I block him his friends berate me saying I'm being cruel or unfair. Some days it's hard to cope with what happened, sometimes I feel like everything is hopeless. Now I just feel like I have overcome it but that it still haunts me.

It'll be a slow process but abusers rarely change (If it even ever happens at all.) so don't go back to him... it's not worth the suffering afterwords.
 
Lizzy-24

Lizzy-24

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2018
Messages
75
Hi.

I was in an abusive relationship too. Majority of it was mental, and the rest of it was sexual. I'm thankful that he wasn't the type to hit a woman, or anything like that. But when it came to sex he did force himself on me a few times. The mental abuse was the worst, always putting me down. We were together for a long time (8 Years).

When it was over between us I was broken. But, I learned something strange. The first thing I did was go through all the years I had with him. It took a while, I can tell you that much. But, I remembered the good moments and I remembered the bad moments, and weighed them up. I went through all the events where this person hurt, attacked or was so mean to me. I wasn't even allowed to buy my own clothes, because he didn't like what I picked out. All that made me realise - damn, I'm actually better off without this person. Sure, the love was there, but was that really love? You should never have to compromise your happiness for a love like that. It is natural however for your mind and feelings to wander to that person. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, and it's not an age thing either. I know my mom vowed never to fall in love with a man again after her abusive marriage to my dad. She hated men, and was very picky about her daughter's relationships (there are 4 of us). Well, lo and behold, my mother fell in love again.

Remember, sometimes the mind recycles thoughts and emotions. You are the one that chooses if they remain. From reading your story a little, I know for a fact you are a strong person. Remember that.
 
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