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I Need Help **Trigger Warning**

T

ThisBlight

Member
Joined
Feb 3, 2015
Messages
6
Location
California
Putting this here because I currently have this diagnosis. This is mostly a rant in some futile attempt to organize my mind.


This will take a while to get out since I'm not the best at "spilling" quite everything I have. I get about 90 percent of it out and the rest I'm not sure what to do with.

You see, I'm angry. Like, really fucking melt your brain angry. It was a little comment that set it off this time, something off the cuff from my wife and I got pissed. I didn't say anything, I used to when I was younger but that only got me into trouble. I'll get past it, I think, but then again I seem to always be angry. Or sad. Or really happy. Or everything all at once.

It's overwhemling. Its like being sucked down a drain and not knowing where you will end up. My one desire is to leave, just run out of the house and fuck off for awhile. Then I remind myself that I will have kids in less than six months and you really can't pull that shit with kids.

I'm writing because I have nothing left. None of my coping methods work. I used to use medicinal marijuana (legal where I live) to help slow down my thinking but that's off the table.

Its more than the comment. Way more. Its my state of mind lately (getting sad now). I am overcome by emotions that are no longer under my control and invasive thoughts about dying, or killing other people. Thoughts about how no one wants me around and that I am a burdern. That I don't have my shit together and I never will. That I should self harm. That my child will have a crazy mother and they will take him from me.

It is my child that makes me not act on these things. I swore I would do nothing to endanger him and I'm keeping to that. I also refuse to puss out by taking my own life; though it doesn't stop the thoughts.

I don't know what is up from down. Not in the literal sense but emotionally…its like I've lost what its like to feel "okay". My brain makes up crazy scenarios that I can't always disbelieve. I feel trapped in my head.

I just want it all to stop.

I need help.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
Sorry to hear you're struggling so much. I know how difficult it can be and I think anyone with bipolar disorder will be able to relate to much of what you've said. Just wondered, are you getting any treatment and/or seeing a psychiatrist regularly?

I hope that letting it all out and having a bit of a rant helped a little. I find writing things down often helps.

Take care.
 
T

ThisBlight

Member
Joined
Feb 3, 2015
Messages
6
Location
California
I was out of therapy for awhile but I already got myself an appointment next week.
 
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