I need help please

L

Lindalyn

New member
Joined
Jul 23, 2019
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1
Location
Germany
Hi,

This is a bit long so get ready...
I am going through some hugh changes in my life and I'm not sure how I can mentally and emotionally survive this phase.

I have been in a relationship for 4 years now and 2 of it have been long distant and the other 2 make up the sum of visits and visas (sporadic ). I loved this person so much. I can't emphasis how much. My first love.

But I found out many things as our relationship developed and many things were hidden from me. I'm from Australia and he is from Germany. My boyfriend/ ex has some kind of serious mental psychosis problem and I found out about it 2 years ago. Since 2018 May, I been living in Germany and have had a greater insight into it.

In May-August he would only experience psychosis once month... Then it became once a few weeks and then once a week and now every second day. He also drinks very heavily when he has psychosis and come home with bruises all over his body. He sees a therapist but refused any medicine and avoids diagnosis. I have tried to support him but he hides so much from me. I can't even talk to him about it anymore because I think he hates me.. or hates his problem enough that he secretly hates anyone who knows about it. I extended my stay here to try and support him emotionally because I thought he was going to take medication. It's not happening and things are getting worse.

He's not really violent towards me, but sometimes emotionally cruel and does aggressive things (e.g. on his drunken rampage he will piss all over the apartment complex stairs and he's smashed glass in front of the front door. It's a building that houses families so there are always kids running around). I feel really alone and overwhelmed. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore because he can't seem to take care of himself and I feel as though there is no room for me left in his life. I don't feel taken care of. All his problems are too demanding for him and he's not dealing with them well let alone able to be in a relationship.

I have decided to stay till the start of SEP so one more month... I'm not sure how much more I can endure. To see someone I care about fall apart bit by bit until they are destroyed. There are also financial problems such as the apartment and I can't afford to pay for this apartment and move out to a new one. He can't afford the current apartment we live in by himself and we exit out contract in SEP.

In the last month's, I've felt so lost and unbelievably sad. The person who made me the most happiest in life in the one that has caused me the most pain I have ever experienced... And I come from a violent upbringing. What kills me the most is when I come home and he is gone and I know he's out there drinking and experiencing his psychotic episodes. I feel like there is no escape for him and it breaks my heart. He say things like he will try meditating but it doesn't work.. he keep insisting he can do it on his own and when I say he needs medical treatments he sometimes get venomous or bitter.

in the last 6 months I've feel like I've been doing everything wrong.. even hating myself, thinking this would have never happened if I didn't move here. I don't know what it is but I am so deeply sad. What worries me is that flying back to Australia now and taking life threatening actions come to mind at the same time. How can someone who made me so happy make me so sad..
None of my family or friends really knows how bad it is. I just want to be heard I guess. I don't think anyone can help me, but if anyone reads this and wants to reach out. I'm here...
 
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calypso

calypso

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You are going through it badly with him aren't you? The drinking is probably self medicating on alcohol. If he has smashed up a door shouldn't the police be called? They have the power to section a person who is mentally unwell (well they do in Britain and I would expect it to be true elsewhere). Its only after he has been on meds a while that he will be "normal" enough to be able to decide if he wants to continue on them or not.

As for you hating yourself, I understand that reaction. Events beyond our control can do this to us. You are probably going through a grief for what might have been and what you have lost to this illness. I wish I could say something to make him listen but if he won't there is nothing anyone can do until he ends up breaking the law. Does he work at all?

You look after yourself first and foremost. You need to conserve your strength to make it through the time together left. Take care.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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He needs to take responsibility and accept the medicine that the psych wants to put him on, see if that helps him :hug:

look after yourself, you are not responsible for his illness :hug:
 
J

JCPraha

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Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
382
He really needs professional help. It is clear you cannot solve his problems. However, it is a situation that you are better of exiting, at least for the time being. He needs to have the will to address his problems himself. He really has rather severe psychiatric issues. But the current situation cannot continue. I know it is quite difficult. But really, you might have to leave him alone, and come back if, and until, he agrees to get treated.
 
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