• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I need help fast, and I'm not getting it.

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Blackholesun

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Apr 1, 2010
Messages
80
Hello every one. I wish I was here on a happier note but I have joined here out of desperation as what could be one of my last resorts.

A brief summary of me.

I have suffered with nerves depression and crushing mania since I was a child. Cutting a long story very short I was told to be Bipolar with rapid cycling in the USA in 2005.I am from England however, but at the time I was married and living and working in the USA. I was put on Zoloft which worked pretty well for depression and worked off my mania by working hard.

Two years later my marriage failed and in 2008 I returned home to the U.K and everything has turned to chit.

I immediately went to see my doctor for meds. I was given all kinds of crap other than Zoloft (sertraline) and was eventually referred to a psychiatrist locally and finally put on sertraline.

However, my psychiatrist seems determined that I have ADHD and referred me to an ADHD specialist. And now I am going around in circles.

I have even had the ADHD specialist tell me I do not have ADHD, yet now I am being treated for it :confused:

Because of this my depression is being overlooked and I have been really badly suicidal many times recently. More than ever, infact. I am also suffering massive fits of rage where I will scream and shout and eventually break down into tears before sobbing myself to sleep.

At my most recent ADHD appointment I was prescribed Ritalin. Well, I told the fucker that I cannot take Ritalin because it makes me terribly nervous and suicidal and so I was prescribed slow release Ritalin.

Now any body who has suffered adverse effects on medication will tell you how terrified they are to take it again, and knowing that I am bipolar I simply refused. My 'carer' got ratty with me and gave me a guilt trip and so to satisfy him I took it. Like the first time I was given it (to calm me down) it made me feel like I had been smoking cannabis. However, within days I was having massive panic attacks and had a day so terrifying I almost ended my life. I have since stopped taking it but now I seem to be worse than ever.

The biggest problem here of course is the U.K's health system (or at least my local one's) obsession with me having an illness I do not have and giving me incorrect medication. Today I blew up at my mother and ended up sobbing. I really do not know how much longer I can go on like this.

Why on earth would someone prescribe and then guilt me into taking medication I have said over and over and over makes me suicidal and prone to massive panic attacks? and why, most specifically, can I not get help with an illness I do have rather than 'help' :rolleyes: with one I do not?

Please help. I really do not know how much longer I can go on like this and I am losing all hope.
 
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>.<

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Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Messages
113
Location
UK
Omg, the UK mental health team are a JOKE! I've been diagnosed with bipolar twice, yet my doctor is convinced theres nothing wrong with me, despite me trying to kill myself 6 times, trying to run away, putting myself in dangerous situations, doing lots of reckless things, former self harmer, loads of stuff I could go into >_<

I also keep getting given Antipsychotics, even though IM NOT PSYCHOTIC ATM! omg! they make me depressed! but no, they'll *help* me apparently :rolleyes: My other doctors (who diagnosed me as bipolar) were going to put me on prozac and a mood stabaliser, which imo, might have worked. But am I getting offered that here? NO! Omg life really sucks at times, its hard enough having MH problems, then you get treated wrong on top of it! :(
 
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Blackholesun

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Apr 1, 2010
Messages
80
So far I have been given (this is in the UK).

Propanalol (fucking useless).

Prozac (made me feel like my head was in a vice and suicidal)

Risperidone (bloody good for mania, but puts me to sleep for 18 hours at a time and I can't sleep my entire life away)

Sertraline (the best of a bad bunch tbh, I love it but it does make me emotionless and cold as ice, so I tend to not enjoy taking it).

And I have settled on a mixture of Risperidone when I am desperate for a break from myself and Sertraline when I am depressed but I need more than pills.

I need someone I can talk to who understands how I feel and some sort of life. Right now? I've left the house three times since last November. I feel like a prisoner.

I phoned a helpline tonight and was given some sound advice. Basically I'm to return to my GP and ask to go to someone else. My GP I have to say is absolutely fantastic.

Edit. The irony of course is I went to a psych and said "I have bipolar and I take sertraline and risperidone, please can I have some prescriptions?" and for almost a year they gave me anything but what I asked for.
 
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>.<

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Mar 3, 2010
Messages
113
Location
UK
Argh they are honestly useless at times. I've had since the age of 13, 3 major depressed episodes, one manic episode, and several mildly hypomanic episodes. My doctor tells me its "normal for a 16 year old to go through things like that." Yes, Its normal to attempt suicide, and then feel amazing and try to buy a fake ID and leave the country and honestly believe I'll get away with it, isnt it?

Keep going back. Don't let them not give you someone to talk to. You have rights to have a talk therapist and they shouldn't not let you.

And yeah that it ironic. I was discharged from hospital, with "diagnosis: Probable bipolar, anxiety"

My psych is choosing to ignore that for some reason, and I've almost had another breakdown. Lovely.
 
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Blackholesun

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Apr 1, 2010
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You're only 16? wow. It's actually amazingly pleasant to find a 16 year old these days that can paragraph punctuate and spell ! :D

I started showing signs the instant my father died when I was 7. I used to rock a lot in a chair, or even when sitting still. I was showing signs of autism then.

But for me no one batted an eye lid because it was normal for someone my age to be filled with anger rage and so on due to losing his father and then being ran over by a car and spending a year in hospital (shattered left themur, traction etc etc).

The problem was when I was still like that 20 years later.

Amazingly I have found out some hella cool stuff though. It turns out my nana who died a year after my dad (god my childhood was great :D ) had manic depression.

Seems it skipped a couple of gens and slapped me right in the face :D

To be honest I would have totally rejected any diagnosis of mental illness had I not studied it. I mean, I'm the only one who really knows how I feel, right? and when I read through studies of Bipolar every single last trait has my name written all over it.

And that's why I'm so fucking annoyed that they think I have ADHD. Idiots. It even says that 90% of people with Bipolar are misdiagnosed as having ADHD. :D
 
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>.<

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Mar 3, 2010
Messages
113
Location
UK
Haha thanks, most people assume I'm older because of how I write :p

I've had signs of it all my life. When I was younger, I had really bad separation anxiety from my mum and wouldn't stay anywhere overnight. And since I could talk, I was described by everyone as "a very dramatic girl". Sign of things to come I guess lol.

Then when I was 11, I was bullied really badly at highschool, and it still goes on to some extent now, though it's no longer as bad. I was verbally abused, beaten, had my stuff smashed, ignored by the whole school, told I should go die, told I shouldn't exist, that I should go kill myself etc. They also found out I had anxiety, and purposefully gave me panic attacks. What charming young people eh.

After about 2 years of that I started to hate myself and thats when I first got depression, which lasted for months. Then it randomly lifted, and I started rebelling against everything, doing risky things, doing things that were out of character and rushing about. Thats when I first went manic. And it's all just spiralled from there really.

Its so annoying when they think you have something you don't! I keep getting told I'm fine, which while I'd love to be, I'm not, so saying I am isn't going to make it so >_<
 
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Blackholesun

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Apr 1, 2010
Messages
80
you pretty much summed up my schooling. Only for me I was constantly teased about losing my father. God, kids can be sick fucks.

I chose to walk when I was 15. I don't regret it. I mean, my life has fallen apart and I can't hold down a job so none of it was important any way.

Now? well, let's say people give me a wide birth which is absolutely fine with me. I hate people and I pretty much hate society. I know that it's basically me but whatever, as long as I feel safe I don't care. I gave up trying to be normal and lead what is considered to be a normal lifestyle as it would have killed me. I figured I'm here so I might aswell make the most of it.

Thing is I can do anything I have ever wanted to do. I'd never owned or touched a car before I was 25. I built two custom cars from complete wrecks. And I'm not talking simple mods I'm talking complete rebuild/respray and every single bit of it done by me, reading books or studying the internet.

I program computers, build computers etc.

My problem is it feels like I'm two steps away from the rest of the world. I feel differently about things than every one I know so we hardly ever agree.. It's like I'm slightly off tune on a different wavelength. And it's always been like that.
 
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>.<

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Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Messages
113
Location
UK
I don't like many people either, and I think society is flat out wrong. It's so judgemental for one. Plus a lot, not all, of people are selfish and greedy, and don't give a damn about others. It makes me sick how some people can watch another human suffering, and not do anything about it because it means they have to put effort in.

I avoid letting people be friends with me because of the bullying. I let them in a certain amount and then stop because I don't want to allow them the chance to hurt me. Theres only about 6 people outside my family (and not even all of my family) who truly know me.

I feel like that, I feel 'different', but with me, I tend to feel that I'm too old for my age at times. I don't relate to people my own age very well. I mean I do in interests like fashion, TV shows, music and stuff, but I'm also interested in politics, the economy, philosophy, etc. I don't see why other teens find it so weird that I can have regular interests and what would typically be classed as more adult interests. But they do. Over the years though, I'm okay with that. My real friends and close ones know me and accept me for who I am, so thats all that matters in the end tbh :D
 
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Blackholesun

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Apr 1, 2010
Messages
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I don't like many people either, and I think society is flat out wrong. It's so judgemental for one. Plus a lot, not all, of people are selfish and greedy, and don't give a damn about others. It makes me sick how some people can watch another human suffering, and not do anything about it because it means they have to put effort in.
Which for me is what has utterly ruined my life. You are right of course. The world is full of animals. And, if you want to be good at life and do well you need to be one. You need to cut throats and you need to tread on people. It's absolutely criminal IMO and I want no part in it.

Sadly as right as you are in society you will never ammount to anything. You'll just be a matyr. When I said before that I was loyal I meant it. I really, really meant it. I've seen people getting a shitty time at work and walked off the job with them in protest. It was amazing for me to do that, but what has it gotten me? nothing. As I say, I agree with you completely and I also feel exactly the same way, but it will be the bane of your life.

Hopefully (and please don't think I am being patronising) it's some teenage angst and it may pass. For me it never did. And I still feel the same. I think people are fucking assholes and absolute animals. They are cold, callous and would tread on their own mother for money. Money is not important to me and the reason is I would give anything, anything just to feel level and normal.

It's when your brain takes you to hell and back that you realise how some things in life are not important. Suffering with bipolar (and I would imagine any other crippling mental illness) makes you humbled. It makes you wish for simple things and not give a rat's cock about dumbass things.

All I crave are the normal days. Just to feel happy. That's my job, that's my existance and my life. Anything else? whatever, it's fabric.

Sadly due to my life long fight with my brain and myself it hasn't left me time to screw people out of money or be very successful. But that doesn't matter to me. As I say, I'm a genius, that's enough for me :)

I avoid letting people be friends with me because of the bullying. I let them in a certain amount and then stop because I don't want to allow them the chance to hurt me. Theres only about 6 people outside my family (and not even all of my family) who truly know me.
Be careful. Now in the USA I had some truly incredible people. Without whom I would have died of starvation. It took three months to raise the cash and repair my car so I could sell it to be able to afford to even leave. Without my friends I would have died. They housed me, fed me and took care of me. My 'friends' here in the UK? well to them if I talk about it I am being gay.

I made the mistake of telling people from my old life here I had bipolar. Within a week I was being made fun of. The world is full of assholes. It's avoiding them that's become the game for me.

There's a saying 'keep your friends close but your enemies closer'. Ne'er a truer word spoken.

I feel like that, I feel 'different', but with me, I tend to feel that I'm too old for my age at times. I don't relate to people my own age very well. I mean I do in interests like fashion, TV shows, music and stuff, but I'm also interested in politics, the economy, philosophy, etc. I don't see why other teens find it so weird that I can have regular interests and what would typically be classed as more adult interests. But they do. Over the years though, I'm okay with that. My real friends and close ones know me and accept me for who I am, so thats all that matters in the end tbh :D
At 16 I used to stay awake for days staring out of the window pondering what the fuck life was all about. I had feelings deeper than some of my friends have had now, at 36. My mind is constantly starving for information. For knowledge. Even through angered tears tonight on the phone with a stranger (I phoned a support line because Mum was just winding me up.. It wasn't her fault of course but she says the wrong things trying desperately to help me) my stranger said that I sounded like an amazingly clever sharp witted person.

Odd, because I tend to find more relief in talking to people I don't know rather than ones I do.

Being male makes it a fuck load harder, of course. The typical British male is supposed to be a hard nosed beer swilling ****, which doesn't exactly make it easy for sensitive stressed chappies like me.

But yeah, at 16 I was smoking cannabis (worst thing I could have been doing, but I supposed it did self help me for a few years) and pondering the meaning of life whilst my friends were all out shagging everything that moved :rolleyes:

Still, I suppose ignorance is bliss.

But seriously, I'm dead impressed at your literal skills for a 16 year old. In my day it was a given or you'd get a caning, but kids your age are just thick as shit.
 
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>.<

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Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Messages
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Location
UK
Thanks, I make it a priority to be able to speak and write my first language properly (where I can, I do make some errors sometimes but I try to minimise them). It actually annoys me when I hear people butchering it just for the sake of it lol.

I know, the way to get ahead sadly is to join the perpatrators. Society has the very wrong view that you either conform or fail. It does little to celebrate individuality really.

Yeah, dealing with something like this makes you appreciate things more. People who have hardly any hardships often don't realise what they have and how important certain things are to them - until they're gone.

I don't tell many people about my illnesses, a few of my close friends know, but I don't tell anyone else. I'm not ashamed of it at all, it's more the ignorance of MH issues that a lot of people hold would frustrate me, and some people are just idiots and it doesn't matter how much you tell them, they'll still not understand and be an absolute dickhead about it.

A lot of my friends go out and do things while I'm more introverted (unless I'm manic than I do whatever haha) and prefer to do things that are fun to me and matter, than things that will make me look "cool". Although at my school, having your own opinions and ideas makes you a prime target for insults.
 
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Blackholesun

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Apr 1, 2010
Messages
80
Just an update. I finally went to see a bipolar specialist who has now become my care worker.

It turns out that Ritalin is an amphetamine which is why I had the episode on it. I was immediately put back on risperidone and sertraline and have since been put on depakote which has been very very good.
 
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eternitybeckons

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May 31, 2010
Messages
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Location
Cloud Cuckoo Land
Hi Blackholesun

I'm new to all this forum stuff. Your thread makes for interesting reading.

It looks like it depends on where you live as to the treatment you receive from mental health services in the UK. I have nothing but praise for the way I have been diagnosed and they even asked me to research meds on the web to decide for myself what drugs I would prefer. I too am on Depakote and apart from regular tummy upsets and a little hair loss it's great. Sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time with the NHS but it looks like you are doing ok now with the Depakote. Are your moods stabilising now? Do you recognise your triggers before they get out of hand?

>.< How great that you have 6 people that truly know you. I have only one and that's my sister who has a similar story to both of yours because of where she lives. She has been to the doc for eighteen years about her symptoms and still hasn't been diagnosed. I went 3 times last year and was referred to a psych. Had to wait 4 months for that but was diagnosed straight away. Started Depakote 2 weeks later.

eternitybeckons
 
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Blackholesun

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Messages
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It looks like it depends on where you live as to the treatment you receive from mental health services in the UK.


I completely agree. I was watching a show about people who had to be sectioned the other night on TV. It was based in Nottingham. Here? Well the back of my care worker card says "please go to the emergency room at your local hospital" and in London you would simply end up in prison.

The funny part is that I live in a very rural and wealthy area. I guess they just did not have the need for mental facilities here?

For example when they sent me to an ADHD specialist I had to travel almost 70 miles by train.

I have nothing but praise for the way I have been diagnosed and they even asked me to research meds on the web to decide for myself what drugs I would prefer. I too am on Depakote and apart from regular tummy upsets and a little hair loss it's great.


I'd already tried many meds in the U.S from Effexxor to Zoloft (Sertraline) Prozac and so on. Sertraline worked for me for the depression very well but if I took it when I was manic? watch out. It's an SSRI which releases feel good chemicals. Like throwing petrol on a fire, basically hehe.

Sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time with the NHS but it looks like you are doing ok now with the Depakote. Are your moods stabilising now? Do you recognise your triggers before they get out of hand?


I know as soon as I open my eyes what kind of day it is going to be. Some times I leap out of bed like a 14.5 stone gymnast and others I roll over, fart, pull the blinds and go back to sleep. They say Bipolar is triggered by trauma and I have had lots. My father died when I was seven (very suddenly) and I was hit by a car a year later and spent a year in hospital with a shattered themur and fractured skull. And it just went on. So I was showing signs even at seven years old. From rocking in a chair and not sitting still to falling out of trees and breaking my ankles. They just put it all down to the stresses of my father dying. It was when I was still doing it at 27 that I realised *I* had a problem and maybe it wasn't the entire world around me.

My moods are nice and stable now yes. Hair loss won't affect me because I am balding as it is (I'm still handsome though :D ) but I do feel better. I still *feel* manic (if that makes sense) from time to time but not to the point where I begin to fidget and start going crazy. Main things I used to do were grinding my teeth, humming, beat boxing until my jaw ached for hours at a time and running up and down the stairs like a three year old on sherbert. I'm 36, btw.

I rarely suffer from depression but when I do? watch out. Not only do I become suicidal and generally don't give a fuck about any one or the world but I also become angry and if pushed far enough suffer from rage and blackouts. I have had that under control since I was 15 now though, because as soon as I start to get a hot forehead and see the signs I simply hold up two fingers, say FUCK OFF and walk away.

Which is why I don't do jobs very well. At one of my last jobs I kicked my district manager through a partition wall. At another I lost my temper (phone sales) and kicked down an entire booth and so on.

But I am also autistic. Patterns, arranging things, organisation and so on. At an interview with the job center it went something like this -

Nice lady - Mr XXX. What would you do if you had your desk arranged and you came in the next day and some one else had been sitting there and moved things around?

Me - Kick their fucking head in.

Nice lady (trying hard not to laugh) - What do you mean by that?

Me - I mean take them outside and kick seven shades of shit out of them.

Work, to me, is *the* single most stressful and trauma invoking thing I can do. I just don't do people very well at all really, but I know that it's me now. And all of that stems from my autism.

I do know I was late at birth and had to have a C section. Whether or not that is what caused my mental problems? I don't know. I do know, however, that my father's mum (my nana, who died a year before him) was considered manic depressive (bipolar, basically)and lived her life on Valium.
 
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