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I need help dealing with all of the depressed people around me!!! Especially my best friend!!!

M

mushu101

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Apr 13, 2015
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2
I need help dealing with all of the depressed people around me!!! Especially my best friend!!!

Hello, I am hoping someone can give me ideas on how to continue trying to be with the people in my life that have depression.
Currently I have my boyfriend, best friend and mother who suffer depression. I am literally exhausted trying to make everything ok for all of them. I do not suffer depression and don't really understand their attitudes, behaviors and in general their thought processes.
My best friend just had surgery last week on Tuesday. I was not able to be there for her in the hospital due to work but kept in contact with her and her whole family the entire day. The next day when she felt better she called me and we talked for 5 hours. The day after that (Thurs) I had a million things to do for my family (daughter and my own home) and figured with as awful as she was feeling she could use some down time and didn't call her. That Friday I had a lot of OT to cut and got off work early. I called her to see if I could come visit with her for a few hours and she didn't answer the phone because she was feeling depressed. I texted her and said that I wanted to see how she was. 4 hours later she started texting me about how I am a bad friend and she's depressed and no one came to visit her. I told her that if she had answered the phone that was exactly what I was trying to do. It was not good enough!!!
Currently she is behaving like a 4 yr old and giving me the silent treatment for not coming to see her every day. She does this every time she doesn't get what she wants. I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like if I don't do exactly what she wants she gets depressed and throws fits. I am so tired of it. I don't understand it and I won't tolerate it anymore.
Please help me...I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her friendship but this is so draining!!
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Hi and :welcome:

Please remember, you are important to you as well. It sounds like you are spending so much time running around after depressed others that you are losing sight a bit of your own needs, those are important too you know.

All the best :)
 
M

mushu101

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Apr 13, 2015
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thanks Kerome. I am exhausted. I have read all kinds of articles on depression and still want to just slap the people I love most when they get in their "moods". I don't know what to do about my best friend but I really am tired of her taking out her "depression" and anything else that doesn't go right on me. Do you happen to have any ideas on how I can talk to her and let her know that her behavior is really difficult to deal with?
 
S

skeptic

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Hi mushu. Well done for trying to be there when you are needed, but as kerome says, you need to look after yourself. It is no wonder you are drained as you are trying to give too much. Try to set some boundaries but please be sensative about how you handle it. Try not to criticise or blame as it will only make the situation worse. You can be just as supportive to your loved ones without it having to control your life, and allowing them to rely on you is not necessarily good for them either as it is impossible for you to keep it up forever and it becomes expected rather than appreciated.

Use your time more efficiently, a nice text can be as valuble as a 5 hour phonecall. Instead of feeling that you need to visit all the time, make a date with them to have a coffee and a chat later on in the week. The important thing is to reassure them that you do care and not to be to frustrated with them. I know it might feel one sided and unfair and that you are already trying very hard to help them, but no matter how tired or frustrated you are i can assure you that a depressed person is just as tired and frustrated with themselves and is trying just as hard just to get through the day.

You are a good person for helping these people but please do not lose hope or patience for them. Your friend has a illness and has also gone through a surgery and i can understand why she would feel particularly needy and low. You haven`t done anything wrong but a quick text or call on the day you didn`t see her might have stopped her getting so upset and angry. It would also have stopped the drama that she has created and that is now draining you so much.

Good luck and i hope you are able to find a healthy balence between helping others and looking after yourself.
 
S

skeptic

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tI also think it would help if you see their moods as part of the illness and not the person. You wouldnt slap an epileptic person for having a fit. They can help it and didn`t choose to fit.

It is easy to think they should just snap out of it but it is not that simple. Everyone feels a bit down at times but that is not the same as depression. If you can snap out of it you are not depressed, you are just experiencing normal emotions. Being depressed is far beyond normal emotions and can be more horrible, debilitating and frightening than most people can ever imagine. People dont choose to be depressed and they cant just choose to be happy.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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I am literally exhausted trying to make everything ok for all of them.
This was the bit that struck me. You can't do this. No one can. So I wouldn't keep running around exhasuting yourself in the attempting to do so. The only person that can make it all right for them is them. Speaking as someone who has been through fairly severe depression, I can say that no one else can 'fix' it for you. Stuff helps of course - like meds / therapy / time etc, but no one else can fix someone else's depression or even make it all ok for them.

You can be there for them as much as you can, and listen to their stuff, and help them out, but only they can fix them. Even if someone has therapy, the therapist doesn't fix them - they just help the person fix themselves, or at least be able to cope with how they are. You will exhaust yourself if you try and fix things and will end up frustrated and resentful of people who don't seem to be able to help themselves. Try and be patient and realise that these things do take time, and you might just have to bear with them for a while until they start to get better.
 
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