S
Smartbutdumb
Member
Hello,
This place is my last resort. I just generally looked up depression forums online to be able to discuss this problem with people who might be going through the same thing that I am going through and maybe even get some help somehow.
To be absolutely honest, I don't know what's wrong with me. I call it depression, but it's not just sadness I am worried about. It's a little bit of everything.
I am 25 years old. I recently completed my masters and started working in a company with a very good work culture. I recently battled out of a very bad heartbreak and I am over it. If you would look at my life circumstantially, I am doing fine.
But I am not. Every day I am battling thoughts of somehow killing myself in the most painless ways possible. Most days I visualise killing myself. It scares me. It all scares me and I want to sit down and cry and forget the world. I feel like crying right now as I am typing this.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I used to be a very motivated person as a teenager. I had all these ambitions, all these high hopes. I WORKED HARD. I used to study Japanese as well as go to college as well as do part-time jobs to have money. I used to be able to do stuff. I had so much potential. I used to read, write (I'd wanted to be an author), draw, dance. I used to DREAM. I used to know exactly where I was in life and I used to know exactly where I wanted to be and I would just...know that I'd get there. I had that self-assurance.
Disillusioned: Today, every day I am not sure if I will live to see another day. It's like I have lost control of myself. It's like my mind has become my enemy and any given day, I might just realize my visualization. I don't know where I am going and I don't know where I am. I feel like I have strayed away and now I am completely and utterly lost. I don't see a future with me and that scares me so damn much.
Constant paranoia: I'm scared of people and most of all, I am scared of me. I am just constantly scared of everything. Every day I am worried that someone will do something, say something that will send me down the rabbit hole. Every day I am scared of myself wondering when I will fall off the edge again. I'm scared that I don't see my future at all.
Lagging behind in everything: I don't do anything. I have an amazing job. I have a handful of good friends. I have so many books. I have all the materials I need to draw. I have all the materials I need to indulge myself in forms of arts. But I am way behind in my office. I have so much work piled up and I don't do anything even though I know it's heading towards a nasty direction. All my books are just collecting dust and turning yellow. I think my paint materials have gone hard already. All I do all day is compulsively scroll through social media and watch series.
Decreased intelligence: I also happen to feel like my brain has slowed down. Simple things feel so very hard. I used to be able to do lots of things together and now I'm just... somehow here. I used to think that as long as I can read it, I will be able to figure it out. Now, no matter how many times I read something, understanding comes very very late, comprehension comes much later.
Everything is too hard: Everything is too hard. Reading, writing, working, understanding something, talking to someone, socializing... thinking. My body feels heavy and breathing is a task. I can't deal with anyone at all and I used to be a fierce person. I know it. I used to be able to talk myself out of any situation. I was so adaptable. I almost envy myself.
I want to live. I have tried to seek help but somehow none of the therapists has clicked with me. I can't do that anymore. My family tries to be understanding of me but they don't know what it's like, so they can't be understanding all the time. I feel like isolating myself completely. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I have everything, more than some people do yet I am here, constantly visualizing killing myself. This is such a long post and I am worried no one is going to read it whole and I will never get a solution.
I want to live. I really want to live. But I just can't live feeling like this anymore. I don't know what to do. I've exhausted all my other options.
There is always a voice in my head, literally, crying "please help me" but who can help me with something so perilous, so difficult yet so invisible. I literally hear "please help me" in my head but I don't know who I can relay that cry for help to. I don't want to be like this. I want to live. I want to stop feeling this and I am so very scared.
This place is my last resort. I just generally looked up depression forums online to be able to discuss this problem with people who might be going through the same thing that I am going through and maybe even get some help somehow.
To be absolutely honest, I don't know what's wrong with me. I call it depression, but it's not just sadness I am worried about. It's a little bit of everything.
I am 25 years old. I recently completed my masters and started working in a company with a very good work culture. I recently battled out of a very bad heartbreak and I am over it. If you would look at my life circumstantially, I am doing fine.
But I am not. Every day I am battling thoughts of somehow killing myself in the most painless ways possible. Most days I visualise killing myself. It scares me. It all scares me and I want to sit down and cry and forget the world. I feel like crying right now as I am typing this.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I used to be a very motivated person as a teenager. I had all these ambitions, all these high hopes. I WORKED HARD. I used to study Japanese as well as go to college as well as do part-time jobs to have money. I used to be able to do stuff. I had so much potential. I used to read, write (I'd wanted to be an author), draw, dance. I used to DREAM. I used to know exactly where I was in life and I used to know exactly where I wanted to be and I would just...know that I'd get there. I had that self-assurance.
Disillusioned: Today, every day I am not sure if I will live to see another day. It's like I have lost control of myself. It's like my mind has become my enemy and any given day, I might just realize my visualization. I don't know where I am going and I don't know where I am. I feel like I have strayed away and now I am completely and utterly lost. I don't see a future with me and that scares me so damn much.
Constant paranoia: I'm scared of people and most of all, I am scared of me. I am just constantly scared of everything. Every day I am worried that someone will do something, say something that will send me down the rabbit hole. Every day I am scared of myself wondering when I will fall off the edge again. I'm scared that I don't see my future at all.
Lagging behind in everything: I don't do anything. I have an amazing job. I have a handful of good friends. I have so many books. I have all the materials I need to draw. I have all the materials I need to indulge myself in forms of arts. But I am way behind in my office. I have so much work piled up and I don't do anything even though I know it's heading towards a nasty direction. All my books are just collecting dust and turning yellow. I think my paint materials have gone hard already. All I do all day is compulsively scroll through social media and watch series.
Decreased intelligence: I also happen to feel like my brain has slowed down. Simple things feel so very hard. I used to be able to do lots of things together and now I'm just... somehow here. I used to think that as long as I can read it, I will be able to figure it out. Now, no matter how many times I read something, understanding comes very very late, comprehension comes much later.
Everything is too hard: Everything is too hard. Reading, writing, working, understanding something, talking to someone, socializing... thinking. My body feels heavy and breathing is a task. I can't deal with anyone at all and I used to be a fierce person. I know it. I used to be able to talk myself out of any situation. I was so adaptable. I almost envy myself.
I want to live. I have tried to seek help but somehow none of the therapists has clicked with me. I can't do that anymore. My family tries to be understanding of me but they don't know what it's like, so they can't be understanding all the time. I feel like isolating myself completely. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I have everything, more than some people do yet I am here, constantly visualizing killing myself. This is such a long post and I am worried no one is going to read it whole and I will never get a solution.
I want to live. I really want to live. But I just can't live feeling like this anymore. I don't know what to do. I've exhausted all my other options.
There is always a voice in my head, literally, crying "please help me" but who can help me with something so perilous, so difficult yet so invisible. I literally hear "please help me" in my head but I don't know who I can relay that cry for help to. I don't want to be like this. I want to live. I want to stop feeling this and I am so very scared.
