I need help but I can't get help

[Smartbutdumb]

Hello,

This place is my last resort. I just generally looked up depression forums online to be able to discuss this problem with people who might be going through the same thing that I am going through and maybe even get some help somehow.

To be absolutely honest, I don't know what's wrong with me. I call it depression, but it's not just sadness I am worried about. It's a little bit of everything.

I am 25 years old. I recently completed my masters and started working in a company with a very good work culture. I recently battled out of a very bad heartbreak and I am over it. If you would look at my life circumstantially, I am doing fine.

But I am not. Every day I am battling thoughts of somehow killing myself in the most painless ways possible. Most days I visualise killing myself. It scares me. It all scares me and I want to sit down and cry and forget the world. I feel like crying right now as I am typing this.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I used to be a very motivated person as a teenager. I had all these ambitions, all these high hopes. I WORKED HARD. I used to study Japanese as well as go to college as well as do part-time jobs to have money. I used to be able to do stuff. I had so much potential. I used to read, write (I'd wanted to be an author), draw, dance. I used to DREAM. I used to know exactly where I was in life and I used to know exactly where I wanted to be and I would just...know that I'd get there. I had that self-assurance.

Disillusioned: Today, every day I am not sure if I will live to see another day. It's like I have lost control of myself. It's like my mind has become my enemy and any given day, I might just realize my visualization. I don't know where I am going and I don't know where I am. I feel like I have strayed away and now I am completely and utterly lost. I don't see a future with me and that scares me so damn much.

Constant paranoia: I'm scared of people and most of all, I am scared of me. I am just constantly scared of everything. Every day I am worried that someone will do something, say something that will send me down the rabbit hole. Every day I am scared of myself wondering when I will fall off the edge again. I'm scared that I don't see my future at all.

Lagging behind in everything: I don't do anything. I have an amazing job. I have a handful of good friends. I have so many books. I have all the materials I need to draw. I have all the materials I need to indulge myself in forms of arts. But I am way behind in my office. I have so much work piled up and I don't do anything even though I know it's heading towards a nasty direction. All my books are just collecting dust and turning yellow. I think my paint materials have gone hard already. All I do all day is compulsively scroll through social media and watch series.

Decreased intelligence: I also happen to feel like my brain has slowed down. Simple things feel so very hard. I used to be able to do lots of things together and now I'm just... somehow here. I used to think that as long as I can read it, I will be able to figure it out. Now, no matter how many times I read something, understanding comes very very late, comprehension comes much later.

Everything is too hard: Everything is too hard. Reading, writing, working, understanding something, talking to someone, socializing... thinking. My body feels heavy and breathing is a task. I can't deal with anyone at all and I used to be a fierce person. I know it. I used to be able to talk myself out of any situation. I was so adaptable. I almost envy myself.

I want to live. I have tried to seek help but somehow none of the therapists has clicked with me. I can't do that anymore. My family tries to be understanding of me but they don't know what it's like, so they can't be understanding all the time. I feel like isolating myself completely. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I have everything, more than some people do yet I am here, constantly visualizing killing myself. This is such a long post and I am worried no one is going to read it whole and I will never get a solution.

I want to live. I really want to live. But I just can't live feeling like this anymore. I don't know what to do. I've exhausted all my other options.

There is always a voice in my head, literally, crying "please help me" but who can help me with something so perilous, so difficult yet so invisible. I literally hear "please help me" in my head but I don't know who I can relay that cry for help to. I don't want to be like this. I want to live. I want to stop feeling this and I am so very scared.

 

[Am33]

You are like millions of others who are suffering from depression .We been taught , lied to by the media that materialism is all there is just go to school work hard get a job working for some corporation making the owners rich and that's all there is to life . We are spiritual beings we have higher needs that aren't being met that is why people are in depression . We need to work on our psychology, self realization to feel wholeness sense of purpose in life . Just as the sages in India have shown us for thousands of years . Read Biography of a Yogi , find some positive affirmations , mantras , sutras , chanting see if if doesn't make you less depressed .

 

[Smartbutdumb]

You are like millions of others who are suffering from depression .We been taught , lied to by the media that materialism is all there is just go to school work hard get a job working for some corporation making the owners rich and that's all there is to life . We are spiritual beings we have higher needs that aren't being met that is why people are in depression . We need to work on our psychology, self realization to feel wholeness sense of purpose in life . Just as the sages in India have shown us for thousands of years . Read Biography of a Yogi , find some positive affirmations , mantras , sutras , chanting see if if doesn't make you less depressed .

Would you believe me if I said I have tried all of that too? For almost two years I invested time in yoga and mediation. Gurus and all, I find myself being very distrustful about them, but rest assured, I have tried that too. I'm still here feeling like this. I feel like I need some time for the self-realization and everything but in between my constant breakdowns and my work and somehow trying to keep up, I honestly just can't seem to.

 

[Mayflower7]

Hi smartbutdumb,
Welcome to the forum
Please see a dr medications might be an option for you.

The following helplines etc are for anyone feeling suicidal/unwell.
I will try to find some help for India as well.

India Suicide Helpline Directory | Aasra

A collection of working suicide helplines in India. If you are feeling suicidal or have suicidal thoughts, help is at hand, please call any of the following numbers or visit the nearest hospital.

www.aasra.info

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

 

[Smartbutdumb]

Hi smartbutdumb,
Welcome to the forum
Please see a dr medications might be an option for you.

The following helplines etc are for anyone feeling suicidal/unwell.
I will try to find some help for India as well.

India Suicide Helpline Directory | Aasra

A collection of working suicide helplines in India. If you are feeling suicidal or have suicidal thoughts, help is at hand, please call any of the following numbers or visit the nearest hospital.

www.aasra.info

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

You are... so nice. is there something I can help you with? I would like to. If there is anything I can do for you.

 

[Mayflower7]

Thank you, you are welcome. Thanks for your offer of help.
I hope you feel better very soon.

 

[Deleted member 91323]

Hello and welcome to the forum. Mayflower has given you some great advice. I have found medication and therapy very helpful for my depression.

 

[Smartbutdumb]

Hello and welcome to the forum. Mayflower has given you some great advice. I have found medication and therapy very helpful for my depression.

I tried going for therapy a couple of months ago... actually I think it's already been a year. and somehow, none of it clicked. At this point, I think I am even willing to take medicines. Even though I am worried that it might have side effects on my body or mind. Somehow, I feel like my mind really cannot take anymore damage.

 

[Deleted member 91323]

It can take time to find the right kind of therapy and also a therapist that you feel understands. I can understand you are concerned about medication. I find an antidepressant very helpful. It helps me from dipping too low.

 

[Am33]

Would you believe me if I said I have tried all of that too? For almost two years I invested time in yoga and mediation. Gurus and all, I find myself being very distrustful about them, but rest assured, I have tried that too. I'm still here feeling like this. I feel like I need some time for the self-realization and everything but in between my constant breakdowns and my work and somehow trying to keep up, I honestly just can't seem to.

There are a lot of false ones out there that tell you they will do all for you just follow them ? .

 

[Alica Smith]

Wow. Like the description of me.
All I think it's a suicide. When I used to have many hobbies like you

 

[Alica Smith]

And being paranoid... Oh yes. Suicidal and paranoid. I can understand you

 

[Tawny]

Depression and anxiety self-assessment quiz

If you're 16 or over, this depression and anxiety self-assessment quiz can help you understand how you've been feeling over the last 2 weeks and provide information and advice about what to do next.

www.nhs.uk

I hope this is useful

 

[Tawny]

Treatment - Clinical depression

Find out how depression is treated. Treatment depends on how severe your depression is, but usually involves a combination of self-help, talking therapies and medicine.

www.nhs.uk

 

[Smartbutdumb]

Wow. Like the description of me.
All I think it's a suicide. When I used to have many hobbies like you

I'm sorry things turned out like this. How are you doing now?