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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I need help and I don't know what I need

R

Rocknroll540

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
12
Location
USA
I'm 23 years old, and I feel like I'm going nowhere. I live paycheck to paycheck, going from dead end job to dead end job. My I old friends have all started their careers, and I have failed with that. I had the chance to go to school, under my parents expense. But I blew it, studying music, which is basically a pointless degree. I didn't even finish school before I decided to drop out, and no longer have the option to go back. I could go the trade school route, but I have a number of health issues that prevent me from doing heavy physical labor, and I also have a crippling fear of heights so I can't do any work that involves ladders...

Ok, now for the fun part.
I believe I suffer from undiagnosed autism. I have all the common symptoms of being on the spectrum, my teachers suggested I be tested when I was young, but my parents said they don't believe in autism. I've had the worst time maintaining friendships, and the only person I have left is my girlfriend, who I believe is growing tired of my difficulties. I have an anger problem, it builds over time caused by everyday stress I can't figure out how to handle, which explodes every once in a while, leading me to do or say things I regret. I can't keep friendships, because I annoy or push everyone I know away. I just recently lost my job and was told by everyone there on my last day about how much they hated me, even though they pretended to be my friends.

Now to make matters even more complicated...
I'm an alcoholic, or just an addict in general. Addiction runs in my family, and it all started when I discovered gaming as a kid. Then music, then caffeine, then as a teen I got hooked on nicotine, then Marijuana, then alcohol, and I've had phases with multiple party drugs. I feel like my substance abuse has done a number on my mind and helped dig my hole deeper on myself. I drink and smoke everyday now. I can no longer control it, and the way 2020 has been has only enabled me to stay inside and subdue myself with drugs.

I don't know how to get out of this hole. I was always told I'm very intelligent, but my autism causes me to specialize in niche skills. Which for me, means guitar, which I've found to be a dying art with no money to be made. And please don't tell me to "try harder" at making it in music, because that's what people have been telling me for years, which has only enabled me staying in this trap I'm in.
I can't keep living like this. Therapy isn't an option and I have no friends to talk to about it. My girlfriend gave me the ultimatum to get my sh*t together, and I just don't even know what to do.
 
P

Purpleplum

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I would say that the first step to take is to get clean. Nothing can go forward before getting clean. Is there an Alcohol Anonymous you can go to or call?
 
S

sallimae76

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Jun 18, 2019
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677
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Go back to school and become a music teacher.
 
P

Purpleplum

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Btw, you're using alcohol and drugs to self treat yourself....to make the pain go away. There are other people at AA who've done the same. They can hook you up with a doctor who can get you on the right MH meds.
 
R

Rocknroll540

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
12
Location
USA
Go back to school and become a music teacher.
School is not an option for me at this point, and to be a music teacher, I'd have to be good with kids and teach in a school, which again, is not something I'm good with.
 
R

Rocknroll540

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
12
Location
USA
Btw, you're using alcohol and drugs to self treat yourself....to make the pain go away. There are other people at AA who've done the same. They can hook you up with a doctor who can get you on the right MH meds.
I know I am. I feel like its a constant feedback loop I'm stuck in and want to get out of.
 
R

Rocknroll540

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
12
Location
USA
Stuff like this boggles my mind. Are they totally out to lunch?
I understand their intentions were pure. They just couldn't bring themselves to admit something was wrong with their son.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Messages
4,467
Location
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OK, that makes more sense than not believing in something as real as a rock.
 
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