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I need help ‘May be triggering’

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George10111

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Jul 7, 2017
Messages
388
I literally see no positive outcomes in my future. My life and situation is utterly hopeless. I am terrified to end my life and leave my loved ones behind. But it’s just too much. The stress and torment I put up with daily. Life has always had a way of forcing me out of the things I love and away from people I love. People keep telling me it’ll get better. But time slows way down especially when it’s hard. At this rate it feels like I’ll be here in this hellish phase forever.

I knew life would be hard. I always understood there would be challenges. But life has gone from hard to torment and relentless antagonism. Now my dreams are, having a stable mind and a normal life. Forget running for a team, publishing one of my books, getting a career in art and perhaps a wife. No sir now it’s all about survival and simply minimizing pain. Because thats all I can do.

Nobody can hear me. People hear about my depression and scoff and call me weak, or my problems ‘small.’ Or I’m just mellow dramatic. I can’t take it. I’m so sick and tired of EVERYTHING. My life is never going to be good or normal. I am at least 99% sure that I am going to some day take my life. This year, 2021 is when we officially hit the wall. I’ve put up with a lot and I sure hope that God or the great cosmic being understands. Life isn’t supposed to be this bad. When you’re in pain 99.5 percent of the time then how the fuck is that acceptable?

Plus things don’t really get ‘better’ for me. That’s just not how it works. Understandably it takes a lot of elbow grease but even then I attain maybe 1/4 results that anyone else would. So I just worked myself into the floor and got almost nothing. But if I make a small mistake I’m treated by the cosmos, like I committed an egregious unforgivable sin.

I am... unreachable. You hear those horrible stories of people getting trapped somewhere and nobody is able to save them, like the man who didn’t make it out of his burning house. Well mentally/emotionally this is of similar nature. The good people in life want to help me but I just think I’m a little too stuck.

I guess it’s not within my realm of ability or cosmic allowance to be happy. I feel like a disease born against his will. If the universe didn’t want me to experience true long lasting happiness or prosperity of any kind why was I born? Because I see no purpose in being born and being forced to experience so many hardship and destruction. All I’ve gotten is much grief, loneliness, self hate due to societal indoctrination, and endless fear and anxiety.

I have always believed that hardships and pain will make me a better person but the amount I have daily far surpasses anything useful. Nobody hears my inner screams. Nobody gets it. At this point my suffering isn’t teaching me anything. It’s just all vain.
 
OmniscientNihilist

OmniscientNihilist

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my technique for dealing with hardship is surrender and adapt. thats pretty much what i do to deal with hardships. surrender is learning to let go of anything you think you 'should' be doing and adapt is learning to slowly work around the problem more and more which ends up minimizing it.
 
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skan3915

Member
Joined
Jan 31, 2021
Messages
22
Location
Pennsylvania
George10111 -- I can, and can't relate.
CAN -- I had depression, and the feeling that it won't get better was a big part of me.
CAN'T -- The level of your depression is such that I wouldn't blame you to scoff at the advice I'm about to give. I never felt as bad you do now.
OmniscientNihilist is on the right track looking above. Surrender and adapt are good words, with adapt being the better of the two.
SURRENDER -- I use the word ACCEPT, but Surrender is appropriate.
From your incredibly well written post, you seem in a terrible way. This may come across as terrible and callous, but you've really no choice but to accept it. Mental illness has gotten the better of you, and your brain is damaged physically.
What I can tell you from my experience is that you have to accept the thoughts you're having right now. Let them come over you. Wash over you. There's no stopping them at this point.
IMO, your road to recovery is how you react to those thoughts. When you start fully accepting those thoughts for being what they are, thoughts, you will start to recover.
My recovery from GAD/depression, began with CBT and medication. It fully kicked into gear when I finally stopped fighting my terrible thoughts and let them have at me.
I went about my day, every day for months, feeling awful physically but doing my best to just accept that fact that I had a mental illness. I didn't grind. I didn't wonder why me? I simply just gave into the illness and terrible thoughts.
It took about 15 months to become asymptomatic. I'm fully convinced that had I not learned ACCEPTANCE, I'd still be stick today (it was 2011 when I recovered completely).
DISCLAIMER -- Achieving ACCEPTANCE is much easier said than done. My first instinct was to question it, and fight the thoughts I had. I soon realized my mistake.
Just know that you can recover. It will not be easy, and it won't happen overnight. Accepting that last sentence will help you.
Best of luck.
 
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George10111

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Jul 7, 2017
Messages
388
Skan, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Surrender and don’t let it matter. Easier said then done but you know what? When I did this in the past it’s how I got to more normal phases in my life, breaks from depression. Certain things cease to matter. What’s hard tho is when the game of life jumps you to a harder level when you didn’t ‘win’ the previous levels, and feeling like I’m utterly helpless.
 
S

skan3915

Member
Joined
Jan 31, 2021
Messages
22
Location
Pennsylvania
George10111 -- the "game of life" can be a cruel taskmaster,
It appears you know the the deal -- Acceptance/Surrender/Don't Fight -- so need to go over that ground.
All I can say is try to stop worrying about the 'win.'
Accept a loss. Then accept another one. Keep accepting them until the inevitable win.
Good luck to you.
 
J

Jrchmn

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 17, 2018
Messages
124
I literally see no positive outcomes in my future.

my loved ones

Forget

When you’re in pain 99.5 percent of the time then how the fuck is that acceptable?

Understandably it takes a lot of elbow grease but even then I attain maybe 1/4 results that anyone else would.

I have always believed that hardships and pain will make me a better person
I've quoted a few things you said that stood out to me above.
First of all the future. When things are really bad focusing on the future can make things worse. Focus on the here and now. You say you have loved ones. One of the techniques I used at my lowest point was to contact loved ones and ask them to tell me about something good in their lives. If you love these people focus on giving and receiving that love.
You listed many dreams and things to forget. Those dreams aren’t particularly time sensitive so perhaps it is best to forget them for now. Why dwell on things that can’t be at the moment?
Pain is not acceptable. You’ve used the word several times. Do you mean emotional or physical pain? What ever the kind of pain is there a treatment you can seek? Trauma and emotional pain can be processed through repetitive exercise. Unfortunately such exercise often causes physical strain and pain a sufferer without their coping mechanism. If that’s happened to you consider if there’s a different form of repetitive exercise that won’t aggravate your injury.
Lastly you wrote about having to work harder for less results than other people. Have you considered you may be suffering from a physical problem such as a vitamin deficiency, under active thyroid or fatigue?
I hope your able to process your pain, accept what is here and now and enjoy giving and receiving love from those close to you.
 
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