I need abandonment/relationship/why do I ruin every relationship I have ever had advice.

CherryBlack

CherryBlack

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
#1
Hi. This will be a long one I think, so let me thank you in advance of you even get through it.

I met a guy and fell head over heels immediately. We drove in fast, but there was an issue where he recently got out of a relationship with a cheating ex girlfriend he still lived with.

We were dating for like a month. He was spending the nights from time to time, I would tell him personal stuff, etc..

Anyways, he went home over Christmas and I felt as though he was getting distant when I messaged him. It turns out he got back with his ex during that time.

I felt absolutely crushed. I hated myself. I had a splitting episode, got mad at him etc...

Now, fast forward and we're back in university. We're in the same class. Seeing him is like a knife in the throat every three days of the week.

I miss him. I care about him. I want to talk to him.

But he doesn't want to talk to me. He is ignoring my existence. He specifically said we shouldn't talk because of "the nature of our relationship".

Anyways, fast forward and we matched on tinder. I messaged him on there and asked if it was a mistake. The next day he unmatched me without answering.

I blocked him on everything. Then unblocked him because I want to talk to him so badly, but now he had me blocked and I really got upset. I feel like I want to hurt myself. I ruin everything for myself and I don't know how to fix it. I feel abandoned every time I see him and it makes my heart ache. He just dropped me like I was nothing and I can't do that to him and I hate myself for it.

Why am I like this? I think about it on a daily basis. Almost obsessively. I want closure. I want to understand but he won't even look at me in class. What did I do? I hate hate hate my inability to have any romantic relationships.

Anyways, please give me advice. I feel so lost.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
553
#2
Well, that sounds like you're going through a difficult time, I'm sorry for that.
They talk about avoidant and insecure attracting, in a way I kind of see that's what's gone on here, you really need him but he's avoidant of his attachment he's made to you, almost denying the fact that anything has gone on between you two, when in reality you obviously had what felt like quite a deep bond that formed quickly and intensely.

I think that these situations are hard, because you're obviously not feeling your best and he hasn't treated you well, so it's obviously not the best of relationships. I get all your over thinking about him and what could have been but the key lies in the word 'obsession'. Don't you think that maybe this isn't really an obsession with him, that behind that obsession with him something deeper lies within yourself, some unfulfilled need of some kind. Like you need him as a distraction from yourself, in some way. just speaking from personal experience here, I feel like this is likely the case.

At this point, I would say, if hypothetically, if something went wrong with his ex-now-again girlfriend, and he were to try to get back with you, you're needing him so much that you might actually cave in even though you know it isn't best for you. But long term that's the wrong thing to do. Because he isn't actually ready for a true or healthy relationship. You should be avoiding him like the plague.

It is really unfortunate he's in your class, that must be really tough. But at the same, seeking him out or even feeling that you want more from him is completely self destructive behaviour. I feel for you because I know you're going through so many strong emotions. I think you should focus as much as you can on your university work and all the other things in your life. And don't abuse any substances to escape from it all.
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
553
#3
Why am I like this? I think about it on a daily basis. Almost obsessively. I want closure. I want to understand but he won't even look at me in class. What did I do? I hate hate hate my inability to have any romantic relationships.

Anyways, please give me advice. I feel so lost.
Also sounds like he is confused himself and maybe playing mind games by matching you on tinder. He doesn't sound like a good catch, even though obviously at first you thought he was.

I know it feels like you're unable to have any romantic relationships, but that's only for right now. In the future, once you're more confident and self loving and have worked on yourself, who knows what could happen. Please don't write yourself off just yet
 
Valka

Valka

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Joined
Feb 12, 2019
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261
Location
England (NW)
#4
Hi Cherry,

Don't blame yourself for this. It just seems this guy wanted to be with his ex and was really crappy with how he treated you.
Even though you're hurt, ask yourself this. Did you lose anything, or did he? As it seems from my point of view that he lost someone who cared / loved him, you didn't. So he lost out.
If he wants a cheat rather than you, well more the fool him right?

There are bad ones like him, but it just makes you appreciate the good ones all that much more. :hug1:
 
CherryBlack

CherryBlack

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
#5
Hi Cherry,

Don't blame yourself for this. It just seems this guy wanted to be with his ex and was really crappy with how he treated you.
Even though you're hurt, ask yourself this. Did you lose anything, or did he? As it seems from my point of view that he lost someone who cared / loved him, you didn't. So he lost out.
If he wants a cheat rather than you, well more the fool him right?

There are bad ones like him, but it just makes you appreciate the good ones all that much more. :hug1:
Thank you, I just guess I thought he was amazing and great and everything I wanted and what not, and I constantly switch back and forth to hating him and being head over heels. I feel absolutely ridiculous and it hurts a lot. But, this made me feel a little better.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

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Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
416
Location
California, US
#6
I get how hard it is. He's right there in your class then on the dating site but avoiding you. However, beating yourself up over how you feel about him isn't the way through this.

You're not ridiculous. You're worthy of love and you certainly don't deserve self-hate. This going to suck for a while but you're going feel okay again, it's going to take some time.

The fool in this story is that dude. He isn't emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship, he probably knows it and maybe that explains his erratic behavior with his ex, you and all the while using Tinder.
 
CherryBlack

CherryBlack

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
#7
I get how hard it is. He's right there in your class then on the dating site but avoiding you. However, beating yourself up over how you feel about him isn't the way through this.

You're not ridiculous. You're worthy of love and you certainly don't deserve self-hate. This going to suck for a while but you're going feel okay again, it's going to take some time.

The fool in this story is that dude. He isn't emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship, he probably knows it and maybe that explains his erratic behavior with his ex, you and all the while using Tinder.
Yeah, I just guess I want closure? I'm not even sure. But him ignoring me completely is just really really hard for me. I don't understand why, I don't know if I even did anything wrong. I don't know and to me it makes this entire situation worse. But thank you, you guys are probably right that maybe it's not me. I know I have issues and all but? Maybe it's not me that caused this. Maybe it's him.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
779
#8
Oh it’s totally him.

He didn’t have the courage to tell you he got back with his ex, so now pretending you don’t exist is classic avoidance because he knows he handled it poorly.

You deserve better. Imagine if you got deeper involved with him and he did something like this? He’s shown he’s not worthy. But you are. Hold your head high and just ignore him.
 
CherryBlack

CherryBlack

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Canada
#9
Oh it’s totally him.

He didn’t have the courage to tell you he got back with his ex, so now pretending you don’t exist is classic avoidance because he knows he handled it poorly.

You deserve better. Imagine if you got deeper involved with him and he did something like this? He’s shown he’s not worthy. But you are. Hold your head high and just ignore him.
You guys are the best. I truly do appreciate it. Last night I was so upset and was struggling that I needed to reach out. Today I'm feeling a bit better and people like you guys who don't even know me but are supporting me is such a new yet amazing feeling. It really feels like I'm being heard and that the first response isn't "you're overreacting" which is what I usually get from people in my life. So thank you guys, it makes me feel so much better getting actual helpful responses that actually make sense.
 

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