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I miss the intense emotions

Reach

Reach

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I miss being ill. High and low. I'm just sitting here watching The Voice and certain songs come on that remind me of times depressed and times manic. Songs i have cried on my knees too, thinking of overdosing, and songs i have danced to carefree and elated, transported to another world, delirious dancing, wild. I was desperate to get on these meds because i've recently been in a painful and dangerous depression, but this always happens, i miss being ill, i don't want to be ill, i wish i could pick and choose, choose to be manic for a night and go out dancing, and then revert to normal mood so i can go to work. I am remembering nights spent in a mixed episode now, laying in bed with my ipod in my ears listening to fast music as my mind raced. Excrutiating pain but so very very alive.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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I find it hard to imagine being like that, my feelings are very much in equilibrium and have been like that for a long time. It has it's good sides, I don't shock so easily and rarely feel negative emotions. But some of the aspects of mania I do envy you, it would be nice to feel what that's like just once. But it's perfectly possible to live and be happy in the space in the middle, it's like eating plain potatoes, hearty and filling but without the highs of a Mars bar or a Tikka Massala.

Glad to see you're still around Reach :)
 
anouska

anouska

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I do understand what you're saying Reach. Playing with fire isn't good though, can be dangerous - fine line, I'm sure you well know. I'm currently in the middle. Back on the higher dosage of Depakote & taking Neuroleptics again ( something I really wanted to avoid!) But yet again, I should take a leaf out of my own book, I crossed the line again, ended up in psych ward beginning of last week. Really hard to get out, question after question. Pdoc testing me, I know for sure. Wasn't feeling safe, but knew I would once meds have done their job & set me on an even keel. Am getting there. Better to be out, than in Bird.
 
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Reach

Reach

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You know i think i am happy enough eating potatoes, it is just when i hear certain songs. Music really does it, and some tunes, especially some powerful classical music, transports me back to times when it felt as though the musicians were plucking and strumming on something inside of me. I can be pleased that i got to experience that, and i still can feel it on some level, it just isn't as engulfing. But that middle mood, it is safe.

Yes i decided to keep posting because i need this place, i just need thicker skin is all. Will try and keep out of trouble.
 
W

white-witch

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Reach,

'Here I Am, Stuck in the Middle with You'

Best place to be really.

I have been on some very beautiful journeys of colour and sound and intense feelings when manic/psychotic. I have also journeyed into the torments of death, decay and seen and smelt things I never wanted to! I have spent months in bed with the darkest, deepest depressions. I have had times when I just could not function through anxiety. I could not stop shaking!

Stuck in the middle is best:)

Take care xxx:hug:
 
W

white-witch

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Just seen your last post. I also use to get that feeling. That the music, the instruments even, became a part of me. The feeling of each beat was inside me. I could count them without hearing them. The rhythm was me and I, I was the rhythm. I love dancing and I love music. Both became so much more when I was manic/psychotic.:)
 
Reach

Reach

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It is so strange isn't it, that that means you are unwell. It baffles me the reason for it all, how it happens. It is very normal in many ways, very human, but very special and abnormal too. I don't know what i'm saying, but the whole thing blows my mind, that it happened, that i could make it happen again right now although i wouldn't dare, but it seems odd that joy could come from the inside and not the outside, start on the inside and affect the outside. Depression, depression can be so intense to begin with, before the cannot get out of bed stage. How music touches me is always a sign of which mood i'm in and how ill i am. It's all so bizarre.
 
pkeegs

pkeegs

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I'm with you on that, Reach. I wish I could have the mania without the destructive potential and without the mixed nature of every episode I've had. I can separate the two feelings, and the mania is the best I've ever felt. I just know that I treasure the stability I've found now. I have a job I love, my family's trusts and respects me, as do my coworkers. I have a good life that's getting better, and it's enough to dissuade me from going to place again.
 
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Kerome

Kerome

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Maybe you can answer a question for me. I had an experience during my psychotic episode two years ago which I still don't know exactly what it was. Basically I was sitting in my chair, when I had a sudden realisation. It was like something leapt up inside my skull to the top of my head, as if poked with a sharp sting, and I had a kind of vision, for just a moment, of a plane full of energy, an infinite warm kind of place where my consciousness was spread out like a map all around me.

Vision over, I was standing, and it was like I was super charged with energy and purpose, like an ultimate realisation of who I already was. I immediately started making all kinds of plans about what i was going to do with my new found energy and life. I was plotting out a life as a movie director, making strange phone calls to people I barely knew who were going to play leading roles in the movie of my life, and so on. The sensation of energy and sheer presence was amazing, it was incredibly physical, as well as mental, I had a level of control and ease with my mental faculties that I've never experienced before or since, but I got totally carried away.

Does that sound like mania to you? Or was this something different?
 
pkeegs

pkeegs

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Your actions are basically a perfect description of mania. During mania people do irrational things and think that their life will be greater than ever before, when in reality, basically every action they take damages a relationship or does something else detrimental. They also often ignore hygiene and organization. They just do things without bothering to think whether what they believe is possible.
 
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megirl

megirl

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Umm.. yes i can empathise, yeh that high agitation i can deal with as long as i people dont interrupt me while i am doing something i feel like telling them to fuck off.
I was in town last week thursday all good, walking 100 miles an hour walking as fast as i could not wanting to see anyone i knew i would ignore them was not interested in othere meaningless 'how are you?' or 'what are you up to?' like my ex-nursing collegues actually care.
I felt buzzy drank loads of coffee, bought some clothes bright bipolar clothes wasnt really going to buy any but the lady kept getting me to try on clothes the shop is pretty cheap but still have quite nice clothes especially for small people, i looked amazing!! so i thought to day i just look like me plain with pimples on my face. The other day i just thought i was amazing funny!!
Anyway hope it comes back asap!!
So yeh that fluctuation was i guess what i was used to, maybe it was the challenge i liked but yes i guess i do miss that! Maybe why i have being having the odd drink i get that emotion back??

AND reach you havent triggered me at all, i think i need to talk about my old job atm maybe its good i am grieving a bit maybe i havnt really done that yet?!
But i think maybe this has been triggered by the fact i was looking after my mother-in-law up north after her mastectomy? That nurturing role that was so part much of me must have come out and my love of helping others but i do think i need to grieve i really do but definitely not caused by anything you have said,

Hey i am so, so glad you are still here keep posting,
xx
 
Reach

Reach

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Maybe you can answer a question for me. I had an experience during my psychotic episode two years ago which I still don't know exactly what it was. Basically I was sitting in my chair, when I had a sudden realisation. It was like something leapt up inside my skull to the top of my head, as if poked with a sharp sting, and I had a kind of vision, for just a moment, of a plane full of energy, an infinite warm kind of place where my consciousness was spread out like a map all around me.

Vision over, I was standing, and it was like I was super charged with energy and purpose, like an ultimate realisation of who I already was. I immediately started making all kinds of plans about what i was going to do with my new found energy and life. I was plotting out a life as a movie director, making strange phone calls to people I barely knew who were going to play leading roles in the movie of my life, and so on. The sensation of energy and sheer presence was amazing, it was incredibly physical, as well as mental, I had a level of control and ease with my mental faculties that I've never experienced before or since, but I got totally carried away.

Does that sound like mania to you? Or was this something different?
It does sound like mania to me. In my experience, mania, for me atleast, is very easily stopped with medication, and very much eased if i do the right thing such as sleep or do calm activities. It'll bounce back if not kept under control for a long period, but it is possible to have briefer moments of mania, i think. However, people with schizophrenia for example, when psychotic, they can have manic evenings. I've observed this in a friend's sister and whilst in hospital. They still have schizophrenia though, it just includes manic type behaviour sometimes. Must be really hard for doctors to tell the difference sometimes.
 
L

laupeate

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Ballina NSW Australia
Same. I miss the mania so much. The sweet sound of music and the heightened feelings where you feel that life is the most wonderful and amazing thing. The smells, the touch, the colours and the fleeting flashes of things that jumped out at me when I least expected it such as the little kid at the bottom of the stairs (not real) and the Leprechaun in the garden who chatted to me in his Irish accent. I felt so alive but it was also dangerous playing with shards of glass that I accidentally broke with my accentuated strength when I was manically framing my photography as well as beading and writing poetry and sewing and cleaning and singing and well .....you get the picture. But I couldn't live like that. No sleep. I thought I was a rock star singing loud.
But I miss it all so much. Now I am having trouble even getting through the day. Bloody drugs. But society won't accept us when we are too sad or too high. We have to live within the constraints of the ordinary world. It is hard. I feel for you and hugs <3
 
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