I miss being ill. High and low. I'm just sitting here watching The Voice and certain songs come on that remind me of times depressed and times manic. Songs i have cried on my knees too, thinking of overdosing, and songs i have danced to carefree and elated, transported to another world, delirious dancing, wild. I was desperate to get on these meds because i've recently been in a painful and dangerous depression, but this always happens, i miss being ill, i don't want to be ill, i wish i could pick and choose, choose to be manic for a night and go out dancing, and then revert to normal mood so i can go to work. I am remembering nights spent in a mixed episode now, laying in bed with my ipod in my ears listening to fast music as my mind raced. Excrutiating pain but so very very alive.