I miss the freedom to break myself

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Jake L.

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 7, 2015
Messages
68
#1
I am a pretty ungrateful person generally because my life is good, I think its good and considering my previous situation I'd say I'm very lucky really. But luck rarely happens to the right person, or rather many lucky people don't realise how lucky they are until its all gone so they take it all for granted and become ungrateful. Ungratefulness is ingrained within all of us whether we like it or not, I certainly don't like it.

I've always been bored and I've always felt the need to create problems in my life, especially mental ones. I am obsessed with self-induced mental problems because I think it will break the monotony of a boring and predictable happy life, I don't know why but I find negative emotions much more rewarding, I like the pain because its more exciting and I like the chaos and creativity that comes with it.

My current situation is good, I am married and that is something that nearly everyone wants but I can't fully appreciate it, I wanted her to be my wife but it turned out that I didn't want the safety and happiness that comes with it. My wife always tries to take good care of me and she wants me to live a safe stable boring life, she doesn't fully trust me to do my own thing and that is fair enough.
I hate the feeling of living a routine that promotes a monotonous and safe life, that is what she wants but I want more freedom to purposely sabotage myself. I always feel guilty about this, happiness makes me feel guilty because if I don't appreciate it then clearly I deserve it.

I just want to drink too much coffee, too much alcohol, stay up all night and stuff like that... I miss those times, I miss the messiness of it, those fantasies keep coming back to me. I feel more comfortable with trying to induce a breakdown than living a normal life, living a normal life doesn't feel right to me and I guess not being happy with a normal life is the only good thing to me about it. Of course, I love my wife very much and I'm not saying that I do not want to live my life with her I'm just having a hard time moving on from my bad habits, I guess I just need to grow up really.
 
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Edinscotbrit

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
127
Location
Scotland
#2
Frankly your wife needs to kick you into touch! Grow up pal!

Otherwise, get a divorce and I hope she takes you for everything
 
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Jake L.

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 7, 2015
Messages
68
#3
Well yeah, what I posted on this thread was very stupid and I think I might get banned from this site. I'm very sorry and I shouldn't have posted this, and to be honest I feel very bad for my wife.

I'm gonna try and find a way to delete this thread as I no longer feel like this is a major problem, I was just spewing out whatever nonsense I felt at the time.
 
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johnram

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 2, 2018
Messages
250
#5
i think your post is ok
i think there is likely some energy underlying the sabotaging part that just needs re-directing to something more positive
i have similar issues with the boredom of usual life and i am trying to also find ways out of the tedium, if you get an inspiration ... be keen to hear

hope tha makes sense?