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I miss my childhood

Pocahontas2008

Pocahontas2008

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
117
Location
England
Before the anxiety, depression, panic attacks, bpd. I still remember the day it all went downhill, is that strange? I still remember what happened, and what triggered my very first panic attack, what gave me the anxiety, the trauma of it all. It was January 21st 2010. Final year of primary school, all throughout my years in pre school and primary I've always endured the same bullying from the same miserable, horrible girl. But on this day something switched on in my brain. So many thoughts, it was what she said that triggered them. I was terrified, that she was going to do something. Hurt me or my family. You'd think it's silly considering we were only 10-11 years old back then, but I will never forget the feeling of dread and worry that ensued from this event. Then came the horrible thoughts of being alone, being abandoned, losing the ones I loved. I'd stay up all night crying thinking about other people hurting them. I'd cry thinking that one day they will be gone. It crushes me.
Years later and I'm still suffering. This will never go away, and no matter how hard I try, I will never go back to the happy girl I was when I was a child. I miss those days so much. I had so many hobbies, drawing, video games, even writing. I miss being able to write a story, or a novel, be it silly as it was back then. I'm so insecure and self conscious of everything I do nowadays that I can't even enjoy writing anymore without criticising myself and scrapping everything and abandoning the hobby for months, even years. I constantly compare myself to others, I constantly look for inspiration and help with writing online, but I get so overwhelmed and feel like it needs to be perfect, and I just can't do it. I give up before even trying sometimes. Writing was my life, it's what I wanted to do when I grew up. I wanted to be an author, my teachers loved my compositions and I loved writing them. Now I can barely open a document and write a sentence without blanking out and closing everything again. I even get bored of video games nowadays, I don't draw anymore because I don't feel like it's good enough either. I have no hobbies because I feel like I'm terrible at everything and nothing brings me joy anymore.
There's so many things from my childhood that I miss. Certain smells take me back there and it brings me on the verge of tears. I think of places, songs, food, tv shows, and the memories take me back to a point in my life where I felt so light, like I could do everything.
I wonder how my life would be if I never became mentally ill.
 
S

Sugaree

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2021
Messages
165
Location
California
Bullying is such a terrible thing to do to anyone especially a child. Real trauma like that can last a long time,but it can be managed.Talking to the right therapist helps get all the pain out. Some people need meds too. Good luck and seek some really supportive help.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
719
Location
US
I hear you on the writing, I wanted the same and here I am at 50 and haven't written anything substantial in years. Inner criticisms, comparing to others. It's awful and debilitating. And logically I know that it is freezing my life when I listen to it, that I am missing my life, the years are going by, and I have done so little these past few years other than try to hang on. You are a good writer, that is obvious from your post. As the saying goes "Writing is hell" and it is...but it can be so amazing when you hit that zone and put out some really good stuff.

Keep the writing up here, that's a start. The inner criticism only debilitates us. Here I give this advice when I have done the same. I stopped moving forward years ago. I gave in to my self hatred and I regret all the years I have wasted listening to it. Regret is a horrible thing.

I wish you the best of luck, and do write about your childhood. It's therapeutic to boot and great writing practice. :)
 
Pocahontas2008

Pocahontas2008

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
117
Location
England
Bullying is such a terrible thing to do to anyone especially a child. Real trauma like that can last a long time,but it can be managed.Talking to the right therapist helps get all the pain out. Some people need meds too. Good luck and seek some really supportive help.
I've had a really good therapist for a year and went through all DBT sessions with her, they helped a lot but once they were done I just fell back into a rut. And I've been on meds for almost 10 years now too. Sometimes I worry that I'm a lost cause and nothing will help me.
 
Pocahontas2008

Pocahontas2008

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
117
Location
England
I hear you on the writing, I wanted the same and here I am at 50 and haven't written anything substantial in years. Inner criticisms, comparing to others. It's awful and debilitating. And logically I know that it is freezing my life when I listen to it, that I am missing my life, the years are going by, and I have done so little these past few years other than try to hang on. You are a good writer, that is obvious from your post. As the saying goes "Writing is hell" and it is...but it can be so amazing when you hit that zone and put out some really good stuff.

Keep the writing up here, that's a start. The inner criticism only debilitates us. Here I give this advice when I have done the same. I stopped moving forward years ago. I gave in to my self hatred and I regret all the years I have wasted listening to it. Regret is a horrible thing.

I wish you the best of luck, and do write about your childhood. It's therapeutic to boot and great writing practice. :)
This message means a lot to me, thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate your kind words! I wish you the best of luck as well♥
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
719
Location
US
This message means a lot to me, thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate your kind words! I wish you the best of luck as well♥
Awesome to hear that, you made my day. Hang in there!!!
 
HLon99

HLon99

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
812
Location
London, UK
You'd be surprised.
I know there are some people with crappy childhoods, but by and large the freedom, possibilities and energy of youth far outweighs the burdens of age. Be grateful for what you have because you never know when it might be gone.
 
Pocahontas2008

Pocahontas2008

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
117
Location
England
I know there are some people with crappy childhoods, but by and large the freedom, possibilities and energy of youth far outweighs the burdens of age. Be grateful for what you have because you never know when it might be gone.
True words.
 
HLon99

HLon99

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
812
Location
London, UK
True words.
One more thing; sometimes the problem isn't so much in the past as it is in the present. Nostalgia only becomes painful when the burdens of today are not being addressed properly. Seek to implement change today, rather than ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
 
Pocahontas2008

Pocahontas2008

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
117
Location
England
One more thing; sometimes the problem isn't so much in the past as it is in the present. Nostalgia only becomes painful when the burdens of today are not being addressed properly. Seek to implement change today, rather than ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
"Nostalgia only becomes painful when the burdens of today are not being addressed properly."
You've hit the nail right on the head there. I never managed to put it into words, but you did. Thank you.
 
HLon99

HLon99

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
812
Location
London, UK
"Nostalgia only becomes painful when the burdens of today are not being addressed properly."
You've hit the nail right on the head there. I never managed to put it into words, but you did. Thank you.
You're welcome. I'm glad I could help. Don't give up on your writing, its an excellent skill to have and if you play your cards right you can even turn it into a profession. I enjoy writing a lot too, mostly essays; I dropped out of uni due to mental health but I'm determined to go back in September. Learning not only opens a lot of doors in life but its also therapetic.
 
Ladyfair

Ladyfair

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 12, 2020
Messages
1,758
Location
USA
I'm sorry you went through that. I miss my childhood being an adult is too hard.
 
A

AppleJacks99

Member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
24
Location
Arkansas
Before the anxiety, depression, panic attacks, bpd. I still remember the day it all went downhill, is that strange? I still remember what happened, and what triggered my very first panic attack, what gave me the anxiety, the trauma of it all. It was January 21st 2010. Final year of primary school, all throughout my years in pre school and primary I've always endured the same bullying from the same miserable, horrible girl. But on this day something switched on in my brain. So many thoughts, it was what she said that triggered them. I was terrified, that she was going to do something. Hurt me or my family. You'd think it's silly considering we were only 10-11 years old back then, but I will never forget the feeling of dread and worry that ensued from this event. Then came the horrible thoughts of being alone, being abandoned, losing the ones I loved. I'd stay up all night crying thinking about other people hurting them. I'd cry thinking that one day they will be gone. It crushes me.
Years later and I'm still suffering. This will never go away, and no matter how hard I try, I will never go back to the happy girl I was when I was a child. I miss those days so much. I had so many hobbies, drawing, video games, even writing. I miss being able to write a story, or a novel, be it silly as it was back then. I'm so insecure and self conscious of everything I do nowadays that I can't even enjoy writing anymore without criticising myself and scrapping everything and abandoning the hobby for months, even years. I constantly compare myself to others, I constantly look for inspiration and help with writing online, but I get so overwhelmed and feel like it needs to be perfect, and I just can't do it. I give up before even trying sometimes. Writing was my life, it's what I wanted to do when I grew up. I wanted to be an author, my teachers loved my compositions and I loved writing them. Now I can barely open a document and write a sentence without blanking out and closing everything again. I even get bored of video games nowadays, I don't draw anymore because I don't feel like it's good enough either. I have no hobbies because I feel like I'm terrible at everything and nothing brings me joy anymore.
There's so many things from my childhood that I miss. Certain smells take me back there and it brings me on the verge of tears. I think of places, songs, food, tv shows, and the memories take me back to a point in my life where I felt so light, like I could do everything.
I wonder how my life would be if I never became mentally ill.
I've been having nostalgia here recently too, especially for 90's culture and music. Gin Blossoms helps lol...It's weird how traumatic childhoods leave us craving for childhood. I used to sing and starred in school plays, and now I can barely talk to people or go to the grocery store. I miss playing outside and getting excited. I feel I'm losing joy, but watching 90's movies helps.
 
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