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I might have found what caused me aspd

MollyBloom

MollyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 18, 2021
Messages
372
Location
The Capital of Europe
Well ... this last session with the therapist was pretty productive in a painful way.
I was able to tell a little more about my current fantasies and my childhood.
I never talked to my mother about how I felt as a child, yet she's always been close to me, but I never could.
To be honest I didn't even think I had a problem with it, and still don't.
Athough the psychiatrist respected my reasons, he was a little perplexed about the description I gave of my family being without problems.
I kept saying my family has always been there and I've never lacked love or anything.

He was very interested in what I feel during this urge and to know about my biological father.
What he then asked me to do, was to speak in third person, that is, if I saw myself as another individual, what did I think could have happened, as a child what could have felt or perceived by others, my feelings, ....? feeling like a lunatic.
I must say it felt fu*king weird at start.
But I think it worked, it made things a bit easier for me in a way.

According to him, what happened with my father it could be a trauma, if not the reason for my hatred towards all authority figures, and my frightening other children and my pet, a way of exercising control and take everything that I saw myself being ripped off by the authority figures in my early life, the lack of empathy a defense mechanism, and so on.....
I don't know, it sounds odd to me, I struggle to take it seriously.
He's not done though, as he wants to know more about the relationship with my mother as a child and more.
For now it did help a bit, so I guess he knows best.
Maybe he will be able to give me an answer also regarding my fantasies.

Well done and congratulations! These are the sessions you need to have in order to heal. I hope for you many more will follow. I know they are sometimes excruciating but necessary and under the guidance of this psychiatrist you will get there if you allow yourself to be helped step by step. Be proud of yourself because digging into the something that isn't obvious, isn't very easy!
 
T E_90

T E_90

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
490
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__
Thinking about my last session with the psychiatrst, I still feel a bit strange.
I'm not used to speaking truthfully with someone in person about how I feel, nor have I ever spent too much time thinking about it. Nevr spoke to my mother about it either at the time
Certainly he has awakened some strange memories.

Comes to mind some behaviors towards few strays cats that I had from time to time in my house when I was 7. Behaviors that would be considered unusual for that age or even sadistic (at least according to the psychiatrist), but I don't remember everything, just few moments (but mostly the feeling of deep anger and then a sudden return to reality, to loving these pets again, to then start at another time the same things I guess).
I have no idea why I did it, since I do love cats.
The anger and the need for acting on them was like going into a kind of 'hypnosis', deep rage and frustration, from which I couldn't get out, was like a on and off switch, and when I got out of it all the normal feelings returned and in fact no one noticed anything to this day.
I guess I had my reasons to behave that way.
Many behaviors with my classmates at the time were also quite strange, so strange that I don't feel like telling them to the psychiatrist just yet.
But I find it hard to believe that was all due to the absence of a father.
 
C

Calmrage

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Virginia
Nearly killed myself yesterday . My mind feels numb and hollow . I cannot hold a thought . I just got layed off from my seasonal work only been there about a month now I have to find something else till March . Went out drinking with some friends and I found myself constantly trying to egg on a fight or validation of any kind . Just something to make me feel like I'm not a ghost walking this Earth alone with no one able to see me . I live alone in a small home barely any heat . I am a bodybuilder I guess one would characterize me as but I always hide it because I feel others would laugh at me . I should premise this buy saying I come from a background of criminal behavior and none of it on my part but subject to it from my family as how to live in this world . I have a huge family now put this in your minds none of them work .. yup they all lie cheat and steal there way through life . I have always held myself up by working jobs and earning my keep . I know this is a big reason why I feel dead inside . I cannot relate to anyone in my family and they only talk with me to put me down and laugh at my lifestyle . Been single so long I forget and miss dearly companionship . I'm not an ugly dude just have zero confidence . Wich ironically everyone thinks I'm made up of nothing but . I'm so weary of this world with the holidays coming and knowing I'll be subject to humiliation and condescending behavior im not sure if I can handle it . Sometimes I try to hide by acting like I'm a big shot and being threatening . It's better to be feared right . But I pushed so many ppl away trying to keep my mind safe . I wish I knew an easier way to just BE .
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Admin
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Messages
23,848
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If you're feeling like you want to die, it's important to tell someone.

Help and support is available right now if you need it. You do not have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.

Phone a helpline

These free helplines are there to help when you're feeling down or desperate.

You can also call these helplines for advice if you’re worried about someone else.

In the UK and Ireland, call the Samaritans on 116123.
In the US, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ion 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, call the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, call Lifeline on 131114.
In New Zealand, call Need to Talk on 1737 or 080017371737.
For other countries please visit this list of crisis helplines.

Useful information

The Forum's page on getting help may also be useful to you. Here is a link to it Mental Health Forum - Getting Help

Here is a link to an article on Suicidal Crisis written by one of the Admin team which you may find helpful Suicidal Crisis

Emergency help

If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111 or call the international emergency number of 112).

Please do seek help as soon as possible.
 
C

Calmrage

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Virginia
If you're feeling like you want to die, it's important to tell someone.

Help and support is available right now if you need it. You do not have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.

Phone a helpline

These free helplines are there to help when you're feeling down or desperate.

You can also call these helplines for advice if you’re worried about someone else.

In the UK and Ireland, call the Samaritans on 116123.
In the US, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ion 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, call the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, call Lifeline on 131114.
In New Zealand, call Need to Talk on 1737 or 080017371737.
For other countries please visit this list of crisis helplines.

Useful information

The Forum's page on getting help may also be useful to you. Here is a link to it Mental Health Forum - Getting Help

Here is a link to an article on Suicidal Crisis written by one of the Admin team which you may find helpful Suicidal Crisis

Emergency help

If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111 or call the international emergency number of 112).

Please do seek help as soon as possible.
Sure thing thanks
 
C

Calmrage

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Virginia
If you're feeling like you want to die, it's important to tell someone.

Help and support is available right now if you need it. You do not have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.

Phone a helpline

These free helplines are there to help when you're feeling down or desperate.

You can also call these helplines for advice if you’re worried about someone else.

In the UK and Ireland, call the Samaritans on 116123.
In the US, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ion 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, call the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, call Lifeline on 131114.
In New Zealand, call Need to Talk on 1737 or 080017371737.
For other countries please visit this list of crisis helplines.

Useful information

The Forum's page on getting help may also be useful to you. Here is a link to it Mental Health Forum - Getting Help

Here is a link to an article on Suicidal Crisis written by one of the Admin team which you may find helpful Suicidal Crisis

Emergency help

If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111 or call the international emergency number of 112).

Please do seek help as soon as possibl
 
C

Calmrage

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Virginia
Gave everyone else a long explanation of comfort and enlightenment . Guess my story is to hardcore for salvation in your eyes or is it simply your answer that death was mentioned ? Would that not be all the more reason to talk to me and not refer me to a hotline ? I get the rules of the blog just thought maybe you could talk to me . Nevertheless as a great artists once said I will wait for your inspiring retort
 
T E_90

T E_90

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
490
Location
__
Nearly killed myself yesterday . My mind feels numb and hollow . I cannot hold a thought . I just got layed off from my seasonal work only been there about a month now I have to find something else till March . Went out drinking with some friends and I found myself constantly trying to egg on a fight or validation of any kind . Just something to make me feel like I'm not a ghost walking this Earth alone with no one able to see me . I live alone in a small home barely any heat . I am a bodybuilder I guess one would characterize me as but I always hide it because I feel others would laugh at me . I should premise this buy saying I come from a background of criminal behavior and none of it on my part but subject to it from my family as how to live in this world . I have a huge family now put this in your minds none of them work .. yup they all lie cheat and steal there way through life . I have always held myself up by working jobs and earning my keep . I know this is a big reason why I feel dead inside . I cannot relate to anyone in my family and they only talk with me to put me down and laugh at my lifestyle . Been single so long I forget and miss dearly companionship . I'm not an ugly dude just have zero confidence . Wich ironically everyone thinks I'm made up of nothing but . I'm so weary of this world with the holidays coming and knowing I'll be subject to humiliation and condescending behavior im not sure if I can handle it . Sometimes I try to hide by acting like I'm a big shot and being threatening . It's better to be feared right . But I pushed so many ppl away trying to keep my mind safe . I wish I knew an easier way to just BE .
Sorry man, how are you feeling now?
Alcohol can be a huge problem for some and I know that if you have depression it can lead to suicidal idealization.
I don't have your problems but if I drink too much it leads to uncontrolled anger and fights (which I have without alcohol) .
I went through that time, I drink but keep in control and nobody notices any changes, I think I'm called a high-functioning alcoholic.
I don't have a big family, but I've always wanted one when I was a child.
The Christmas holidays can be tough, not everyone has reasons to rejoice, especially during these times.
Do you have a therapist or a friend who can support you?
Gave everyone else a long explanation of comfort and enlightenment . Guess my story is to hardcore for salvation in your eyes or is it simply your answer that death was mentioned ? Would that not be all the more reason to talk to me and not refer me to a hotline ? I get the rules of the blog just thought maybe you could talk to me . Nevertheless as a great artists once said I will wait for your inspiring retort
That's normal, are the numbers for suicide support, they are not trying to ignoring you.
But if you need more urgdnt support there's a section that deals with depression support.
I hope this helps
 
C

Calmrage

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Virginia
I don't I have no one but thank you for talking to me . I hope so much for u and your family . I just wanna be sober and I feel that will help me immensely . Can I just part with this song Dead inside .
 
T E_90

T E_90

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
490
Location
__
I don't I have no one but thank you for talking to me . I hope so much for u and your family . I just wanna be sober and I feel that will help me immensely . Can I just part with this song Dead inside .
That's unfortunate man, I think you should have some support during this time.
Sometimes talking about addictions problems without compromising ourselves, it can help give strength and an extra incentive.
There's a very useful section where many write their thoughts on alcohol and many have come out of it, with the support of those who feel they understand them.
It would be an idea, it could help comfort you and be a good start.
Regarding the anger, I'm the last one who can give advice, since I also have anger issues.
Be strong
 
C

Calmrage

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Virginia
Your right I am never drinking again . Monday Dec 20th my first day clean . My "support" system promised me to keep everyone away whom might set me back during holidays . I am never going to forget today as long as I breath . I think I'm finally fed up with myself and want to at least attempt how I was again . Please my friends wish me luck as I hope and wish only the most for u . LOVE my brothers ❤️
 
T E_90

T E_90

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
490
Location
__
Your right I am never drinking again . Monday Dec 20th my first day clean . My "support" system promised me to keep everyone away whom might set me back during holidays . I am never going to forget today as long as I breath . I think I'm finally fed up with myself and want to at least attempt how I was again . Please my friends wish me luck as I hope and wish only the most for u . LOVE my brothers ❤️
That's the spirit man!
Spend these holidays as best you can, and try not to get down on yourself, life is made up of many falls, but then you get up, your brain is stronger than you think.
Thanks for the wishes, I wish you good luck
 
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