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I might have found what caused me aspd

MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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Sorry for your hearing, but I agree with you, sometimes it's best to accept and move forward where possible, since ruminating too much on the 'ifs' and the 'maybe' just leads to more stalemate.

I know you have written this with the best intentions but it’s something I actually don’t need and also don’t want, compassion for my bad hearing because it feels like I am a weakling but I am not. I have never asked for special treatments or needs.

I never wanted to let determine my life by my bad hearing. I have never used and abused my bad hearing (and severe dyslexia) to get a special treatment because a special treatment would have meant that my achievements were realised in an easier manner than other people’s achievements, concluding the threshold to achieve something would have been lower for me compared to other people.

I always wanted to be treated like any other person, same efforts for the same goals. I am not weak or stupid, I am just like anybody else with bad ears. It’s my life philosophy that when you’re bad in something then you do more efforts, you work harder, you practice more, you spend more time and energy to accomplish it. No one has ever died because of doing a little more their best because they aren’t good in it. To the contrary, it makes you more resilient and stronger and that’s exactly the main problem with the current pamper politics of people who are bad in something. There is no resilience anymore. I firmly believe that special treatments make someone weak because they don’t learn to work harder. I know I am not politically correct but nowadays stupid people (you are not allowed to call people stupid but instead you have to say ‘learning disability’) should be able to go university by lowering standards and levels. There are far too many crybabies on this world. Instead of crying and whining on how unfair everything is they should just act and demonstrate resilience. Life’s been very unfair to me but it has never stopped me to achieve high goals.

Nowadays everyone wants to get things on a golden plate without doing any effort. Nietzsche called this décadance (he deliberately used the French word), erasing the fact that in doing an effort to achieve and realise things, lies a meaningful significance.

Many people have thought I was stupid, thus I wanted to prove them wrong and I did so many times but I had to fight for it. I have always been tempted to do things people thought I couldn’t do to prove them wrong. Therefore I don’t want compassion, but I understand and appreciate your good intentions. I want people to see (and even admire) my resilience because it makes lots of people feel stupid and realise how much they have underestimated me (as a matter of fact I feel very vengeful and angry towards them). Perhaps I sound very arrogant bitch but that’s the way I am.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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I know you have written this with the best intentions but it’s something I actually don’t need and also don’t want, compassion for my bad hearing because it feels like I am a weakling but I am not. I have never asked for special treatments or needs.

I never wanted to let determine my life by my bad hearing. I have never used and abused my bad hearing (and severe dyslexia) to get a special treatment because a special treatment would have meant that my achievements were realised in an easier manner than other people’s achievements, concluding the threshold to achieve something would have been lower for me compared to other people.

I always wanted to be treated like any other person, same efforts for the same goals. I am not weak or stupid, I am just like anybody else with bad ears. It’s my life philosophy that when you’re bad in something then you do more efforts, you work harder, you practice more, you spend more time and energy to accomplish it. No one has ever died because of doing a little more their best because they aren’t good in it. To the contrary, it makes you more resilient and stronger and that’s exactly the main problem with the current pamper politics of people who are bad in something. There is no resilience anymore. I firmly believe that special treatments make someone weak because they don’t learn to work harder. I know I am not politically correct but nowadays stupid people (you are not allowed to call people stupid but instead you have to say ‘learning disability’) should be able to go university by lowering standards and levels. There are far too many crybabies on this world. Instead of crying and whining on how unfair everything is they should just act and demonstrate resilience. Life’s been very unfair to me but it has never stopped me to achieve high goals.

Nowadays everyone wants to get things on a golden plate without doing any effort. Nietzsche called this décadance (he deliberately used the French word), erasing the fact that in doing an effort to achieve and realise things, lies a meaningful significance.

Many people have thought I was stupid, thus I wanted to prove them wrong and I did so many times but I had to fight for it. I have always been tempted to do things people thought I couldn’t do to prove them wrong. Therefore I don’t want compassion, but I understand and appreciate your good intentions. I want people to see (and even admire) my resilience because it makes lots of people feel stupid and realise how much they have underestimated me (as a matter of fact I feel very vengeful and angry towards them). Perhaps I sound very arrogant bitch but that’s the way I am.

I think @T E_90 was just agreeing with you that it's best not to dwell on and ruminate about what's happened in the past. When he said he was sorry about your hearing, I think that was just being a decent, polite person and it's what people say. I mean, as opposed to saying "Congratulations on your hearing!" you know?
 
MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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I am not attacking her personally. You have misunderstood. I am using her ‘sorry’ as a leverage to explain one of my deepest frustrations. I have also stated twice I appreciated her good intentions, something I truly mean and haven’t written just out of politeness. I do not fake politeness.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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I am not attacking her personally. You have misunderstood. I am using her ‘sorry’ as a leverage to explain one of my deepest frustrations. I have also stated twice I appreciated her good intentions, something I truly mean and haven’t written just out of politeness. I do not fake politeness.

All good. Thank you for explaining. I can definitely understand your frustrations.

I think T E_90 is a guy!
 
T E_90

T E_90

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First of all, @MollyBloom
I'm sorry to hear your story so hard about this.
I was absolutely not pitying you, I most of all hate this.
(And I too had dyslexia, I was made fun of by peers and teachers for it, but in time I'm controlling it, studying law, with all those specific terms had helped me a lot even in the most fluent speech).
I already understood you took my input to open up a little more about your emotions about it,
( I think that Stevie, not knowing well your history and previous messages has misunderstood, it can happen, probably not knowing I would have done the same) and I'm glad you feel comfortable doing this with me.
I honestly, after having said what's on my mind on this forum, (although I was never too explicit) expect people to run away.
So thank you for the trust (to both).
I think, what you've managed to do with this burden of yours (which as I understand it has affected your life a lot in the past) is something that few can do, denotes a lot of willpower
(what I lack most of the time, I alone in certain periods of "mania" I feel so self confident and "high" I think I could do anything and my mind opens, for example I know I could write a book, if I were in front of a bank and a thief asked me to add myself to a robbery I would join cheerfully, if I were in prison I would think about escaping and without doubts I would be able to do it, etc ... to give the idea how I feel sometimes).
So it's nice to see people manage to do this just by strenght of character.
I've never even thought you were stupid, the way you write and explain, you have a lot of insight.
Don't ever change this and don't give up

And @stevie_sloth I thank you for taking my defense, (I know there was a clear misunderstanding in this case) but I certainly would (will) have done the same if it happened to you. : )
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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And @stevie_sloth I thank you for taking my defense, (I know there was a clear misunderstanding in this case) but I certainly would (will) have done the same if it happened to you. : )

Definitely a misunderstanding! Totally all good now! Thank you for your kind and supportive words 👍
 
T E_90

T E_90

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No idea if such thing exist or even correlated (I know that in ASPD alcohol and drugs consumption is present)
but I think I'm a 'hidden alcoholic'.
I often drink, but only to the point of losing a bit of inhibitions and looking more confident, but never to the point of getting drunk, and no one has ever noticed anything.
Which is strange, since I'm not an insecure, but I'm trying to avoid it, as that definitely give me way too much 'push' and courage to my fantasies and when I'm also around.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Hmmm. Hidden alcoholic could be like a high functioning addict, where you lean on the substance as a crutch but don't go overboard and can still live your life and function ok. I think it depends on how you'd feel if you didn't or couldn't have it.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Hmmm. Hidden alcoholic could be like a high functioning addict, where you lean on the substance as a crutch but don't go overboard and can still live your life and function ok. I think it depends on how you'd feel if you didn't or couldn't have it.
Thank you!
For me this term is new, I was convinced to be the only one to be weird .. hah ..
Let's say that I don't always drink, never heavily, but often, nonetheless my fantasies and the impulse are always there, even when I'm out and I haven't been drinking.
But since this has gone further lately, perhaps alcohol is to be avoided in my case.
Let's say it gives me a little more courage in certain situations, it might not make sense, but I feel like I can think better.
But I don't like being drunk, I hate losing control of myself and my surroundings.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Thank you!
For me this term is new, I was convinced to be the only one to be weird .. hah ..
Let's say that I don't always drink, never heavily, but often, nonetheless my fantasies and the impulse are always there, even when I'm out and I haven't been drinking.
But since this has gone further lately, perhaps alcohol is to be avoided in my case.
Let's say it gives me a little more courage in certain situations, it might not make sense, but I feel like I can think better.
But I don't like being drunk, I hate losing control of myself and my surroundings.

Alcohol does different things to different people depending on metabolism, brain chemistry and self perception.

I find a bit of it makes me more relaxed, I care less about what people think and how I appear, and I then get sleepy. Pretty standard stuff. lol
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Alcohol does different things to different people depending on metabolism, brain chemistry and self perception.

I find a bit of it makes me more relaxed, I care less about what people think and how I appear, and I then get sleepy. Pretty standard stuff. lol
That makes sense, I think you are right about brain chemistry on each one having a different effect.
The amount I drink is not enough to make me sleepy, if that makes sense. I should drink heavily.
It's like you're an alcoholic but without being an alcoholic, if that makes any sense.
But it sure has an effect of relaxing too much while I'm out with these urges aswell, and I wouldn't want to find myself having too much 'relaxation' so to speak
: )
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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That makes sense, I think you are right about brain chemistry on each one having a different effect.
The amount I drink is not enough to make me sleepy, if that makes sense. I should drink heavily.
It's like you're an alcoholic but without being an alcoholic, if that makes any sense.
But it sure has an effect of relaxing too much while I'm out with these urges aswell, and I wouldn't want to find myself having too much 'relaxation' so to speak
: )

Oh yes, definitely! Too relaxed would be very bad for a few reasons!
 
MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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No idea if such thing exist or even correlated (I know that in ASPD alcohol and drugs consumption is present)
but I think I'm a 'hidden alcoholic'.
I often drink, but only to the point of losing a bit of inhibitions and looking more confident, but never to the point of getting drunk, and no one has ever noticed anything.
Which is strange, since I'm not an insecure, but I'm trying to avoid it, as that definitely give me way too much 'push' and courage to my fantasies and when I'm also around.

You’re an alcoholic if you drink more than 14 alcohol units per week, which is roughly 1 glas of wine each day or two pints of 25 cl a day.

The side effects of alcohol are mostly bad like melancholy, nostalgia, sadness, grief, aggression, paranoia. I don’t believe that the disinhibition and anxiolytic effects weigh well against these side effects. Alcohol is destructive in the long run but works well as instant gratification. The latter is currently the main problem of this whole society with social media propagating it.

I feel much better without alcohol (I drink it very rarely). It has made me more stable and more lovely personality. Alcohol doesn’t solve anything, it only creates problems and issues. People should stop believing the beneficial myths about alcohol.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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You’re an alcoholic if you drink more than 14 alcohol units per week, which is roughly 1 glas of wine each day or two pints of 25 cl a day.

The side effects of alcohol are mostly bad like melancholy, nostalgia, sadness, grief, aggression, paranoia. I don’t believe that the disinhibition and anxiolytic effects weigh well against these side effects. Alcohol is destructive in the long run but works well as instant gratification. The latter is currently the main problem of this whole society with social media propagating it.
There are certainly weeks where I drink as much or more, lately a lot less, without getting drunk.
The feeling is of a slight loss of inhibitions, without anyone ever noticing anything strange.
And I agree that it can do harm (although honestly it's not a thing that ever concerned me) but I'm trying to drink less, as I'm impulsive and prone to anger, and alcohol could make it all worse.

I feel much better without alcohol (I drink it very rarely). It has made me more stable and more lovely personality. Alcohol doesn’t solve anything, it only creates problems and issues. People should stop believing the beneficial myths about alcohol.
And I can see that, in fact you've always been a lovable personality
Congratulations on being able to quit! It's not easy for some : )
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Well ... this last session with the therapist was pretty productive in a painful way.
I was able to tell a little more about my current fantasies and my childhood.
I never talked to my mother about how I felt as a child, yet she's always been close to me, but I never could.
To be honest I didn't even think I had a problem with it, and still don't.
Athough the psychiatrist respected my reasons, he was a little perplexed about the description I gave of my family being without problems.
I kept saying my family has always been there and I've never lacked love or anything.

He was very interested in what I feel during this urge and to know about my biological father.
What he then asked me to do, was to speak in third person, that is, if I saw myself as another individual, what did I think could have happened, as a child what could have felt or perceived by others, my feelings, ....? feeling like a lunatic.
I must say it felt fu*king weird at start.
But I think it worked, it made things a bit easier for me in a way.

According to him, what happened with my father it could be a trauma, if not the reason for my hatred towards all authority figures, and my frightening other children and my pet, a way of exercising control and take everything that I saw myself being ripped off by the authority figures in my early life, the lack of empathy a defense mechanism, and so on.....
I don't know, it sounds odd to me, I struggle to take it seriously.
He's not done though, as he wants to know more about the relationship with my mother as a child and more.
For now it did help a bit, so I guess he knows best.
Maybe he will be able to give me an answer also regarding my fantasies.
 
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