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I might have found what caused me aspd

MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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This is not related to the topic but I add that I have a horrible day one of the worst and now I'm drunk. I take everything as provocations. and I don't even know how I still manage to write but apparently I am.

You are allowed to have horrible days. It doesn’t make you a horrible person. Please, be kind to yourself!

I can relate with the fact you see everything as a provocation and your anger. You are angry for a good reason. Please, don’t try to be angry on your anger. Don’t judge it as something bad. Validate it. Talk to it. Welcome your anger and ask it how it is doing? ‘How are you, anger?’ It sounds perhaps ridiculous in the beginning. I found that too. It seems to be childish, but it will help when you do this often. Give your anger the space it deserves. Good luck!

I understand you want to drink. I’ve done that too but it is a short way to feel a bit better or to paralyse yourself. It is a nice way to escape the pain. But the daemons aren’t away. They are back after a couple of hours. Try to face your daemons instead of escaping them by drinking. Try to talk to them. Be nice to them and yourself. They are there and will stay, even if you push them away with alcohol, they will return and you can’t stay drunk in life.

Rome wasn’t built in one year. Every child falls 1000 times before it can walk. Every small step is a step forward and you will come closer to more happiness. Believe me, I know where I have been, it is possible. You won’t believe me now. When you’re feeling deep, you don’t believe there’s a way out, therefore you really need to start trusting a couple of persons who have good advice. I think your psychiatrist has got a good influence on you. Try to trust him! Okay?

I hope you don’t have a too heavy hangover
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I thank you so much for your words of comfort and your insight, I have a bad time and alcohol, although I know that in my case it makes me worse, angrier,
I drink to mute my demons, increasing them instead.
I usually don't drink enough to get drunk, as ironically I don't want to lose control over me and my surroundings, I hate it.
I know you are right regarding the anger, and I guess I'll have to solve what leads to it before I can do anything else.
I'm trying to find the silver linings, while a voice in my head keeps saying it doesn't exist, pushing me back.
The fact that I can talk about a lot of things that I couldn't outside of here, makes me feel bit better.
Thanks again for your help
Ps. Light hangover 👍
 
MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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I will tell you my version of my excitements. I don’t whether you’ll have something about it. I don’t want write it as a generalisation because otherwise I would project my own experiences onto yours and this would be wrong (in my opinion).

There is also something a post-excitement hangover. After the excitement is gone (which is the nature of an excitement), someone feel down, depressed, unhappy and very empty. The excitement didn’t bring what someone had expected. In order to tackle this low, another excitement is sought, to result in another post-excitement hangover. Excitements are quick fixes and a form of instant gratification. Therefore they are very attractive for some people, especially the impulsive ones like me and those without any patience, like me. Our reptilian brain facilitates this.

Alcoholics ’treat’ their hangovers with another round of alcohol. With post-excitement hangovers it works similarly. In fact, it becomes an addiction. Chasing excitements and thrills, a journey from excitement to excitement, interrupted by post excitement hangovers. I did become an excitement junkie. It was an addiction. (I am prone to get addicted, not only drugs but also negative feelings, negative attention, excitements, etc ...)

Most addictions are a substitute of something you are deeply missing. For most of the addicts it was parental love and nurture as a child. I believed that excitements would make me happy and break my perpetual depression but is wasn’t. I think I was already depressed from the age of eight, when I wanted to die for the first time. I had never learnt what happiness was, hence I was chasing something I really didn’t know. For sure I was making an imaginary representation of what happiness could be, but it was a fable. I thought being excited was being happy but it wasn’t because when the post excitement hangover took over, my depression was still there.

At the end I was mentally so exhausted by these post excitement hangovers, being depressed as far I could remember, I tried to kill myself (first time it didn’t stay an idea) because happiness was never achieved. I didn’t have a clue how to reach it.

I did survive and one idea got so ingrained in me: I definitely wanted to get rid of these excitements because these hangovers were prove they weren’t working, they didn’t bring happiness. I had to find other ways to find happiness, something more sustainable without hangovers, something that would change my depressed mindset forever. I think I have succeeded. It wasn’t easy but I can tell you: I still hate those excitements because I always felt so bad afterwards.

I have found happiness and even more contentment. There’s is nothing exciting about. Contentment is a state of mind. It’s got a duration; it’s build on proper foundations; it doesn’t collapse easily. It’s surely needs maintenance, like validating yourself, nurturing yourself, making me-time.

An excitement is short-lived, too short for good foundations. It collapses immediately and after the collapse you’ll only find debris and a mess. That’s the hangover. It’s a like hyperconsumerism. Excitements are disposable, like a plastic thing you bin after having it used 2 times. Contentment is not. This is like a Volvo you’re still driving after 25 years.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I will tell you my version of my excitements. I don’t whether you’ll have something about it. I don’t want write it as a generalisation because otherwise I would project my own experiences onto yours and this would be wrong (in my opinion).

There is also something a post-excitement hangover. After the excitement is gone (which is the nature of an excitement), someone feel down, depressed, unhappy and very empty. The excitement didn’t bring what someone had expected. In order to tackle this low, another excitement is sought, to result in another post-excitement hangover. Excitements are quick fixes and a form of instant gratification. Therefore they are very attractive for some people, especially the impulsive ones like me and those without any patience, like me. Our reptilian brain facilitates this.

Alcoholics ’treat’ their hangovers with another round of alcohol. With post-excitement hangovers it works similarly. In fact, it becomes an addiction. Chasing excitements and thrills, a journey from excitement to excitement, interrupted by post excitement hangovers. I did become an excitement junkie. It was an addiction. (I am prone to get addicted, not only drugs but also negative feelings, negative attention, excitements, etc ...)

Most addictions are a substitute of something you are deeply missing. For most of the addicts it was parental love and nurture as a child. I believed that excitements would make me happy and break my perpetual depression but is wasn’t. I think I was already depressed from the age of eight, when I wanted to die for the first time. I had never learnt what happiness was, hence I was chasing something I really didn’t know. For sure I was making an imaginary representation of what happiness could be, but it was a fable. I thought being excited was being happy but it wasn’t because when the post excitement hangover took over, my depression was still there.

At the end I was mentally so exhausted by these post excitement hangovers, being depressed as far I could remember, I tried to kill myself (first time it didn’t stay an idea) because happiness was never achieved. I didn’t have a clue how to reach it.

I did survive and one idea got so ingrained in me: I definitely wanted to get rid of these excitements because these hangovers were prove they weren’t working, they didn’t bring happiness. I had to find other ways to find happiness, something more sustainable without hangovers, something that would change my depressed mindset forever. I think I have succeeded. It wasn’t easy but I can tell you: I still hate those excitements because I always felt so bad afterwards.

I have found happiness and even more contentment. There’s is nothing exciting about. Contentment is a state of mind. It’s got a duration; it’s build on proper foundations; it doesn’t collapse easily. It’s surely needs maintenance, like validating yourself, nurturing yourself, making me-time.

An excitement is short-lived, too short for good foundations. It collapses immediately and after the collapse you’ll only find debris and a mess. That’s the hangover. It’s a like hyperconsumerism. Excitements are disposable, like a plastic thing you bin after having it used 2 times. Contentment is not. This is like a Volvo you’re still driving after 25 years.
Your story is very hard and tragic, and I'm sure that a bad childhood can lead to these consequences, but I'm glad that you didn't carry on with the suicides attempts and you are in a better place.
I too had suicidal thoughts in the past, it was a difficult time, but I hardly think about it now,
it's like a dream, the more you think about it the more it escapes. I have a lot of mental lapses about my childhood.

I can relate to some behaviors you're saying and the hangover analogy fits perfectly.
I've never thought about it that way but it makes a lot of sense.
My pursuit of excitement involves an addiction part, on anything that gives instant satisfaction, alcohol is a good part, as well as numbing some thoughts.
I imagine I lack the patience to work on long term goals.
This behavior of mine has always been there and I can't pinpoint where it started from, I'm working on it.
Maybe understanding it, could give me a new approach, more suited to my frame of mind.
Thanks for sharing your story and a new point of view, I really appreciate it all.
 
MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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Cool you appreciate it!

Don’t you know ‘Dinos and Comics’? They are funny cartoons making you laugh about mental health problems. In some you will recognise yourself. They’ve got an Insta account dinosandcomics if you want to follow them.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Cool you appreciate it!

Don’t you know ‘Dinos and Comics’? They are funny cartoons making you laugh about mental health problems. In some you will recognise yourself. They’ve got an Insta account dinosandcomics if you want to follow them.
Thank you very much, I didn't know it but I will take a look!
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I've been thinking, and I realized that is easy to blame the upbringing ,the family, the childhood, for many unusual behaviors.
True, sometimes that can certainly contribute but is not always that easy.
I must say mine I still think wasn't that bad after all, and still don't believe in half of what I've been told about it.
But reality is family can do so much good, up to a certain point, the result relies on the individual's choices and his psychological predisposition to deal with problems and failures of every day life.
Nonetheless I don't think that alone should define an individual.
Sometimes I see people with all sort of problems, and each one has a different approach to his own issues, most find methods of coping, most develop depression and so on.
I guess stressors can differ accordingly, aswell as results.
Some goes on in life strong and confident no matter how many times they fall,
others instead just crumbles, acting on their own issues in tragic ways.
Not because they are weak or defective, caused by a wrong upbringing, probably their personality can bear up to a certain point, giving in before others.
Everyone has their own reactions, according to predisposition.

What would have happened if the environment was different?
What if the family had been more careful? Would this have been enough for them or would they have given up on the first stress?
These are questions I often ask myself.
It's not easy to understand what can be a cause of change in life.
These causes can go unnoticed for so long, even to the one who is undergoing them.
He may be so used to them that he takes them as normality, going on psychologically strained till the point something snap without realizing.
Things get strange, patience get shorter, things get harder, everywhere is a minefield and the thoughts start to take a different path, a darker one, the one where lights are off.
The brain start to crumble, it's shouting not to go there, but all makes much more sense in there, safer in a distorted way.

I've tried to isolate things in my life that could have led me to this and couldn't find an explanation.
I came at the conclusion that each one is different no matter their past.
It might be genetics, environmental, stress, relationship ...who knows, brain wired differently.
I remember that at school I always felt a little different, detached.
A person called a loner and shy and God knows what every day ... starts to believe it right?
But inside, I always wanted to be part of those peer groups, but I was simply socially inept.
I don't understand, I just couldn't figure out where to put myself, I felt intimidated, frozen by fear of socializing. And that made all worse.
I was looking at a golden world from outside a window, one that I couldn't understand nor reach and could never have.
I felt that I too deserved all those fancy things, those parties, those clothes, that popularity, those comforts,... but somehow something in me didn't want to go in the right direction.
At home there were no problems, usual things, and my isolation from others would have found many excuses, ... it didn't matter, after all, who cares. I don't need all of this, I'll concentrate on what's more important.
But deep down I did care, I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
Reaching high school it was better, everything changed, I was still introverted but I would have learned to disguise it very well over time.
I started skipping school, falling asleep on books, getting drunk, stealing, lying and doing dumber things without caring.
I don't know why but I lacked motivation, I had no direction.
So I don't really know why and what went wrong to this day.

Over time the feeling of something missing faded, masked.
I have periods of time in which I'm fine, I think of nothing but what I can achieve, my mind opens, I feel I could do anything, I have a thousand ideas and thoughts race.
Then it happens, it could be anything, I begin to feel strange, weak, without really understanding why this happens and so quickly.
So, as happiness has arrived, it goes away, just like that, throwing me into long empty days, not of depression or self pity, but a state where I simply be, don't want to do anything.
But I disguise it perfectly as I always did, in every occasion that requires such, I look confident, cheerful, smiling (and I am, happy with myself), I have an answer for everything.

However, it doesn't seem to be the trigger for my urges, those never leave me.
And the causes could be many and none.
I'm not dissatisfied with my life, or with myself, I live well, I don't dwell over the past or hurtfull things, nor I care.
But I'm trying to control this urge, trying not to give in although the other half would really like to, reminding me constantly.
 
MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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I've been thinking, and I realized that is easy to blame the upbringing ,the family, the childhood, for many unusual behaviors.

What would have happened if the environment was different?
What if the family had been more careful? Would this have been enough for them or would they have given up on the first stress?
These are questions I often ask myself.
It's not easy to understand what can be a cause of change in life.

First of all, I like these kind of writings a lot. Please, carry on!

It’s a good question to wonder whether another environment would have changed a lot? If you were black and born in Congo, I am pretty sure you would have evolved into another person with the same genetics. The environment shapes us and interacts with our genes.

If you are convinced that your family’s not to blame, people should respect that. It’s your life, your truth, your perspective, your memory, your perception. It’s not up to others to say how your life was.

I am sometimes wondering how different I would be if I would hear normally. My bad hearing has shaped me as a person and I don’t know whether this was a good thing or bad. However it’s also a dangerous question, possibly leading to more frustration. Acceptance is a better way to cope with, in my opinion.

Your initial question reminds me of a great Belgian film, Toto le héros, about a man from a poor family who’s convinced he was swapped at birth with his neighbouring rich boy, becoming very envious towards the world. You should watch this film. It’s really good!
 
T E_90

T E_90

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First of all, I like these kind of writings a lot. Please, carry on!

It’s a good question to wonder whether another environment would have changed a lot? If you were black and born in Congo, I am pretty sure you would have evolved into another person with the same genetics. The environment shapes us and interacts with our genes.

If you are convinced that your family’s not to blame, people should respect that. It’s your life, your truth, your perspective, your memory, your perception. It’s not up to others to say how your life was.
Thank you! no one has ever complimented me on how I write.
I tend to dwell on my logical and philosophical reasoning at times and I get lost in writing, especially when I'm in a 'high' mood period , but I don't break my mind too much over it.
I know my family was okay, I have few memories, and although there are inconsistencies with certain memories, I know it's not to blame.
I am sometimes wondering how different I would be if I would hear normally. My bad hearing has shaped me as a person and I don’t know whether this was a good thing or bad. However it’s also a dangerous question, possibly leading to more frustration. Acceptance is a better way to cope with, in my opinion.
Sorry for your hearing, but I agree with you, sometimes it's best to accept and move forward where possible, since ruminating too much on the 'ifs' and the 'maybe' just leads to more stalemate.
Your initial question reminds me of a great Belgian film, Toto le héros, about a man from a poor family who’s convinced he was swapped at birth with his neighbouring rich boy, becoming very envious towards the world. You should watch this film. It’s really good!
Thanks for your suggestion on the movie, it seems you hit the mark there : )
I'll certainly take a look, it sounds an interesting story
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Yours is a good point and it could be, but even with recognition I lose interest, for me it's never enough compared to what I expect, but whether with or without recognition, I simply get quickly bored, changing to something else.

Indeed, I often notice that if I don't get bored but I have someone who motivates me to continue, I stop, as I feel almost pushed to do what someone else want and no longer my free choice, losing my patience and blaming the person for my leaving.
I've always had trouble accepting authority and rules even when younger, so that might be why.

I just saw this thread and have been reading, and I am exactly the same with this too. I just lose interest, and if I ever have interest, as soon as I HAVE to do something, I instantly don't want to do it anymore.

Oh, and I fell backwards off a kitchen chair when I was 2 years old and hit the back of my head. I threw up so my parents took me to the hospital but I was fine and had no concussion. Then 10 years later, when I was 12, I hit my funny bone on a metal hook at school and the pain was so bad that I passed out and fell straight back and onto the concrete floor, again hitting the back of my head. I woke up with people staring down at me. Then for several hours I walked around leaning to the left, but didn't tell any teachers I'd fallen. I pretended it hadn't happened. For the next 5 years, I thought it was a dream.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I just saw this thread and have been reading, and I am exactly the same with this too. I just lose interest, and if I ever have interest, as soon as I HAVE to do something, I instantly don't want to do it anymore.
Yeah that's irritating isn't it
Oh, and I fell backwards off a kitchen chair when I was 2 years old and hit the back of my head. I threw up so my parents took me to the hospital but I was fine and had no concussion. Then 10 years later, when I was 12, I hit my funny bone on a metal hook at school and the pain was so bad that I passed out and fell straight back and onto the concrete floor, again hitting the back of my head. I woke up with people staring down at me. Then for several hours I walked around leaning to the left, but didn't tell any teachers I'd fallen. I pretended it hadn't happened. For the next 5 years, I thought it was a dream
Wow.. If you threw up and passed out I bet they were painful blows!
It's strange how our brains work when we are children, even I didn't tell the truth to my mother when I went home, and when I tried later to tell her, she didn't believe me, so I gave up.
Who knows, we may not have had any damage, but we will never know for sure I guess.
 
stevie_sloth

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Yeah that's irritating isn't it

Wow.. If you threw up and passed out I bet they were painful blows!
It's strange how our brains work when we are children, even I didn't tell the truth to my mother when I went home, and when I tried later to tell her, she didn't believe me, so I gave up.
Who knows, we may not have had any damage, but we will never know for sure I guess.

How weird. I think a LOT of kids are very weird. lol.

I was embarrassed to tell anyone I'd fallen over at school. I don't know why the people who were peering down at me when I came to didn't say anything. It's all quite strange. I was definitely concussed.

Oh well! 🤪😂
 
T E_90

T E_90

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How weird. I think a LOT of kids are very weird. lol.

I was embarrassed to tell anyone I'd fallen over at school. I don't know why the people who were peering down at me when I came to didn't say anything. It's all quite strange. I was definitely concussed.

Oh well! 🤪😂
Ah! that's a classic one, the vacant expression of the gaping mouthed kid stare.
I met so many of them when I was hurt as a child.
I think that some children develop intelligence later than others, but they eventually kick in (it would be a tragedy if they did it as adults too).
Embarrassment is also common, and I don't understand where it comes from, perhaps, due to the fact that many adults keep repeating too much the" be careful not to get hurt", the child as soon as it happens, he subconsciously feels guilty..
aha I don't know forget it, every now and then I get too lost in reasoning and I tend to explain excessively logics that don't have a sure explanation. Ignore it :)
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Ah! that's a classic one, the vacant expression of the gaping mouthed kid stare.
I met so many of them when I was hurt as a child.
I think that some children develop intelligence later than others, but they eventually kick in (it would be a tragedy if they did it as adults too).
Embarrassment is also common, and I don't understand where it comes from, perhaps, due to the fact that many adults keep repeating too much the" be careful not to get hurt", the child as soon as it happens, he subconsciously feels guilty..
aha I don't know forget it, every now and then I get too lost in reasoning and I tend to explain excessively logics that don't have a sure explanation. Ignore it :)

No, I do the same thing! lol.

I was actually very smart as a child (I don't know what happened. 😂😂😂 Maybe all the knocks to the head!) and yet...still a bit dumb.

Weirdly, around the same time I hit my head, when I was 2 and 12, both times I had a dream that I was doing nothing in particular and then suddenly I was covered in ants! I brushed them off in a panic, and they were all gone.

For 20 years, I thought this actually happened.
 
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