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I might have found what caused me aspd

T E_90

T E_90

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I've already written a long post about what happened to me, but recently I've shed some light on certain things that could have been the triggers.

To me was important trying to understand my past, understand myself, cause sometimes I feel I don't know who I am neither.
So (with the help of the psych), finding the roots, maybe I can learn how to control myself.

I think I understand now where it all started for me, I made a "map" of events in my head, which could have changed me this way. I can connect each event to the start of something.
Sometimes certain old memories suddenly comes back out of the blue, just for a few moments.
One last memory, for example, is myself in class alone at 8 years old (possibly lunch break) and a little girl, embarrassed, who then runs out the class in tears.
But I still don't remember what happened.

I've been thinking that maybe that hard hit on my head at 7 years old, was the culprit.
I know some people after a big hit on their heads when very young, they've changed behaviours (and I know that around that age I also started having unusual thoughts and behaviours).
That day I was walking home from school with a peer, who put one foot on a wooden fence, but the post was loose, so, the other end of it went up, rotating on the pin, ending up in the air.
Hearing a noise, I raised my head and saw this heavy thing landing on top of my head /forehead.
I remember the total confusion and bewilderment, a white flash and everything went black, a few seconds later I got up, the world was spinning, and I no longer knew who I was, where I was and what had happened. I came back to myself few seconds later, but strangely I had just small pain, that's why I'm not so convinced about this theory.
It's also funny, thinking about it now.

Or maybe I took all from my "father".
He was all over the news for years (about very disturbing stuff), yet I'm still not totally convinced he was my real father.
You see, I've been asking and been looking for years about him, but never knew for sure.
My mother was confusing me about him, I thought it was wrong to ask, she didn't like talking about it.
Even if a child, it was frustrating, then I discovered the many hidden things and lies ,on my own, over the years.
My stepfather, on the other hand, said he wanted to be my father, going on and on about it.
But I didn't want him in my life in that way, never had, I was perfectly fine without a father figure, didn't care.
The only thing I knew from my mother about my father, is that he was important, intelligent (and maybe that's also the cause I've never accepted my stepfather).
I have nothing against my mother though, I have no grudge against her, she's always been a good mother.

Nonetheless, I secretly did strenuous researches, it seemed to me a mystery to be solved, I was curious about him, almost obsessed with knowing.
I imagined about finding him and getting to know him, could sounds wrong but I already had this image of an important father,...
in my head I sort of idealized him as a child, always did, always wanted to be better, to deserve more, fantasizing about wealth, better life, wanting what others had,..I was rarely satisfied.
This made me feel like I had to be at the height of everything, I tried to stand out in something unusual, that made me better than others, at some point even trying to learn Chinese, then Finnish, German ...ending up leaving each one( like always, since everything that I start I can never finish , I get fed up and move on to something else, then something else more,...failing).
With the years, and the teasing/bullying at school around the fact of the father, along with other stuff,
rage grew, and I think this could be another factor in my subsequent behaviours.

At junior high school, I jumped on the neck of a classmate who teased me, a bully, trying to strangle him, but I was stopped and reported to the principal.
Perhaps this is also related, possibly the most important, that led to my current violent urges and thoughts.

What finished the job in my case, I think was being dumped in the first major romantic relationship of my life.
I can't stand being left without a valid reason (usually I was always the one not to continue) and I didn't find any in this, I felt betrayed,
in a situation where for the first time I actually felt something.
I've made plans in my head and they were destroyed, and I hate losing control over established things, not being in control of all the situations regarding myself, is something I cannot bear, I've always had control issues.
After that I think my anger has reached it's limit.
I began to think that the best way was revenge and I did it, but it didn't bring any satisfaction, by then I had lost all interest,
although I still hold a grudge towards that person, I know I should go over it, but it's hard.

I may have been wrong in my reasoning, being talking nonsense, but I believe that these are episodes that perhaps have a connection.
I'm not a psych but I know enough about psychology, and maybe I'm right.
Instead, regarding the 'dissociation', I don't understand the reason why I have it, since I haven't had such traumas to bring this.
 
MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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I think it’s important you carry on writing these things (at least somewhere). Keep digging and digging, deeper and deeper! Be proud of yourself you are doing this. Gradually you will find yourself … Enjoy your day!
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I think it’s important you carry on writing these things (at least somewhere). Keep digging and digging, deeper and deeper! Be proud of yourself you are doing this. Gradually you will find yourself … Enjoy your day!
Thank you!
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I may have also found when my need for control started, the psychiatrist also pointed this out, so I must be right.
He said to have seeing this in other people, and I remember how I felt while I was doing so.
The first time I tried to hurt (to kill) an animal (my cat) at 8, I felt in control, in charge, but also frustrated, couldn't help it. It was like a switch that snapped in my head, on and off, it's difficult to explain nor to understand but once turned on, nothing could stop you.
I know it's wrong (and I would never do that again) but if my mother didn't stop me, I would have surely carry on.

Nonetheless, that frustration for control didn't change but actually grown stronger.
I know when I started now, but not sure why, what led to it.
I assume for the abuses that happened at school since the age of 7 and other problems, in which I might felt helpless? I'm not good at child psychology.
I essentially needed something to exert control over, and that was the only thing possible at that age.

And then, I assume because I couldn't let it out on animals anymore, I started out on weaker younger peers.
Scaring them in every way possible, in order to feel in charge of the situation, superior to others.
I don't feel and never felt guilty about this or anything else, after all it was done to me before, therefore my reacting in this way was justified, but I think it has a weight in explaining all this.
It was also the time when I started stealing, possessing other children things (from toys I liked, to food), I would steal and hide them in a secret place, not to use these stuff but just to have it. I felt smarter in a way, it sounds almost comical and stupid now.

In fact, I often used to throw a lot of tantrums if I didn't get what I wanted at home too.
I wasn't spoiled (actually my family wasn't wealthy and my mother always taught me to appreciate what I had) I was just very pissed off .
Having the same things that other children had, who were richer and feared from other peers, in my head, it was the solution to everything, to being on the same level if not better.
At the time, that made total sense in my head and it was the only way possible.

This need for control, it often backfires me though, since if I don't get what was set in my mind, whether it's plans or someone doesn't agree with me, or I don't get what I think I deserve,...
I become frustrated and angry beyond measure.
And here is another cause of my urges, that I try to keep at bay, where another switch turns on.
Maybe someone with the same pd will recognize himself in this.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Thank you, that's a good song!
Doing a search, it's impressive really how many songs about control are out there.
I also found this one that's not too bad, which suits I think.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Apart from the problem of control, what I don't understand is the inability to finish what I've started.
I'm obsessed with very high goals, if I don't get them, the rest is worth nothing.
I just can't commit myself to any future thing, no matter what it is, I constantly leave everything, pissed off if someone points it out to me.
Yes I get excited at first, but I get bored right away and give up, starting something else.
It's as if I have a constant need for excitement that I can't find, but I'm never satisfied with it, that is, if I am, it doesn't last long anyway, finding myself as before.

And that's probably why, as a teenager, I used to steal and even looked for a fight, often trying to create the dynamics for one.
This has often brought me problems.
Now it's no different, but once I start it, is hard for me to stop, no matter the consequences.
I just don't care in that moment or later.
But I think I've always been like that, is no part of my aspd, I know I had behaviors problems as a child, I was very touchy.
Some people think I feel great with myself, and I do most of the time, but sometimes I really don't.
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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Apart from the problem of control, what I don't understand is the inability to finish what I've started.
Just a hypothesis:

Could it be that when you start a new project or interest, you are (consciously or not) expecting other people's reactions to what you are doing, and when these are not forthcoming anymore, the interest is gone?

Perhaps in the same way you instigate conflict because you are seeking reactions?
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Just a hypothesis:

Could it be that when you start a new project or interest, you are (consciously or not) expecting other people's reactions to what you are doing, and when these are not forthcoming anymore, the interest is gone?

Perhaps in the same way you instigate conflict because you are seeking reactions?
Yours is a good point and it could be, but even with recognition I lose interest, for me it's never enough compared to what I expect, but whether with or without recognition, I simply get quickly bored, changing to something else.

Indeed, I often notice that if I don't get bored but I have someone who motivates me to continue, I stop, as I feel almost pushed to do what someone else want and no longer my free choice, losing my patience and blaming the person for my leaving.
I've always had trouble accepting authority and rules even when younger, so that might be why.

Seeking conflict for a reaction is certainly true, I just don't know why I do this.
The psych keeps saying that this is part of my pd, caused by anger, so I guess he's right.
 
MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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Obsessed with very high goals ✅
Seeking excitements ✅
Unsatisfied after the excitement ✅
Not finishing what I had started ✅
Getting pissed when someone points out ✅
Always wanting something as free choice ✅
Having problems in accepting authority and rules ✅
Regularly seeking conflict ✅

Oh gosh! I could have written most of it. Nice summary 🤭
 
T E_90

T E_90

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
239
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Obsessed with very high goals ✅
Seeking excitements ✅
Unsatisfied after the excitement ✅
Not finishing what I had started ✅
Getting pissed when someone points out ✅
Always wanting something as free choice ✅
Having problems in accepting authority and rules ✅
Regularly seeking conflict ✅

Oh gosh! I could have written most of it. Nice summary 🤭
?
 
MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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I was ticking some similarities I was having too. Most of them are gone now with treatment ... but I could relate to a quite a lot of them
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I was ticking some similarities I was having too. Most of them are gone now with treatment ... but I could relate to a quite a lot of them
Oh sorry, I didn't understood but I'm pleased you found some similarities in what I wrote and I'm not alone.
I hope you've found a way on solving it though as I'm still working on it.
That's what I'm doing with the psychiatrist now and it's the main part of the problem,
so it is of course some of what's present in the pd I have, as well as others shit including depression, that I'm carrying around since I can remember.

This is a huge part that doesn't keep me going making me fail all the time, that brings me anger and anger leads me to be pissed off at people pushing me to do something that I know I'll fail sooner or later, both because of my temper and my problems, so it's not a good position to be in.
Many are living with what I have, for a reason or another, but there's no way to talk if not in here, and even in here sometimes is hard.
I appreciate the people in this forum who have tried and still trying to help me, writing to me, I do need that, as I still am a human being, even if the only feelings I have are the worst.
Living in my head is hell but living most of this alone, cause if I talk out of here of what's really going on inside I'm seen as a psycho, is even fu*king worse.
Thanks for understanding
 
T E_90

T E_90

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This is not related to the topic but I add that I have a horrible day one of the worst and now I'm drunk. I take everything as provocations. and I don't even know how I still manage to write but apparently I am.
 
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