I might have BPD

[A_Wilted_Daisy]

Brief history: I'm a 42 year old female. I'll be 43 in April. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I went to therapy at 23/24 and again at around 32/33 (or 33/34 - I don't remember). I saw a psychiatrist both times, but only for a couple of short appointments each. I was diagnosed with anxiety, Major Depression, and OCD. I've taken Celexa and Fluoxetine. I don't do well with meds. I'm not currently seeing anyone, nor do I want to. Without insurance, both times I went to the same local community services board. That would be my only option again. The "help" there isn't good.

I've wondered for years if my depression and anxiety is actually BPD. I guess it doesn't really matter since I'm not getting help, but I still want to know. Maybe someone here can help me? Let me explain some of the things I do:

* I have a history of dropping people - often for no real reason. We can be friends for years and then one day I'm like, "We're done. Leave me alone and don't ever talk to me again." (I'm working on this behavior now.) However, while I'm loyal to someone, I've very loyal. I make caring about me difficult because of my insecurities.

* I get jealous easily. I want the people I care about to put me first. I guess I'm trying to say that my feelings are intense and I want them to feel as I do. I get close to people quickly as I'm very open.

* I wouldn't say my moods are extreme, but they change very quickly and can be intense. I cry easily; I get worked up just by thinking about something that bothers me. Usually I'm okay within a couple of hours.

* I used to steal things when I was in my teens through my early 20s. (I stole again when I was on Fluoxetine, but didn't learn that it's a documented side effect until years later.) I don't steal anymore, but I could probably slip back into that. It's exciting and I'm good at it. I never steal from people - only stores. I'm not saying that makes it better, but I won't take things from friends.

* I struggle with being good. I want to be good, but I do a lot of bad things. I usually don't care, but I have moments sometimes when I think of what I've done and I feel ashamed. Then I get over it.

* I exercise a lot, but that started because I eat insane amounts of chocolate. Seriously, most people would be shocked by how much I can eat and it never makes me sick. Not sure if this is BPD-related, OCD-related, or just something random. lol. These days I try not to keep much candy in the house because I have no self-control. With Easter candy coming to stores soon, I have to try to stay away from the candy aisles. Easter candy is my all-time favorite and I justify buying so much because it's limited. Last year, I bought at least 60 bags of my favorite candy. Ate it all within 2 months. *Embarrassed*

 

[A_Wilted_Daisy]

I forgot to mention that there have been long periods in my life where I've been reclusive. It started when I was 19. I can stay home and not talk to people for months on end. I'm there now and it started WAY before Covid.

 

[LittleMissNameless]

Hey daisy, you know we cannot diagnose you but i think that if you feel sometjing is wrong you need to speak with a professional, start by telling them what you think your current diagnosis arent covering, like maybe in relation to relationship management skills, and qsk for a DBT referral to help. As long as you speak to professionals in a level headed way they tend to listen

 

[Blue Opal]

If you don't want to speak to a professional, there are loads of online test you can do to check if your symptoms match with those of bpd. That might give you on indication.
My experience with those tests is that they are pretty accurate for me.

 

[A_Wilted_Daisy]

If you don't want to speak to a professional, there are loads of online test you can do to check if your symptoms match with those of bpd. That might give you on indication.
My experience with those tests is that they are pretty accurate for me.

The tests give me a high score.

 

[PetitPois]

It is impossible as mentioned for anyone on the forum to diagnose you. A professional is the only way to find out. Lots of things mentioned for BPD can be traits in people without BPD. For example jealousy is pretty common in people generally. And those with it don't necessarily suffer all of the possible symptoms/behaviours. I think it comes down to having a certain number of traits (and severity) that can be the decider on whether you have it or not. However it was a long time ago that I got my diagnosis, so not sure if that is still the case.

 

[Blue Opal]

There's indeed also the question whether you have a personality disorder at all. There are symptoms you need to have; it has to affect your life in multiple ways, like your relationships, thoughts, feelings, behaviors and ability to work or study. This needs to be a life-long pattern starting in early adulthood.
Like said by others, only a professional can diagnose it.