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I might harm other people if I keep on living like this...

Lavender_Rose

Lavender_Rose

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Apr 12, 2020
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I wasn't beating myself up. I wondered if I could've done better had I stayed in US. But everyone around me said US healthcare sucks, especially affordability. So our family came to South Korea, due to the fact that healthcare is more advanced and affordable. But mental health is bullshit here. :(
Sorry, that's good then. Sometimes I'm not good with constant criticism like the stuff you recieved from reddit. It gets to me even small criticisms lol. But I hope maybe you can find something there, that cam help you. At the very least I hope this forum helps you a little.
 
frisas45

frisas45

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Mar 22, 2019
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874
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South Korea
Sorry, that's good then. Sometimes I'm not good with constant criticism like the stuff you recieved from reddit. It gets to me even small criticisms lol. But I hope maybe you can find something there, that cam help you. At the very least I hope this forum helps you a little.
Thank you, Lavender_Rose! I appreciate it! ;)
 
frisas45

frisas45

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Mar 22, 2019
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South Korea
@ask92 A little help? I know you're in deep right now, but I appreciate it if you could provide some knowledge about Korean mental healthcare.
 
frisas45

frisas45

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Mar 22, 2019
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South Korea
Is there such a thing as respite care there that could look after your mum at times so you can relax? :hug:
Nope. Korea doesn't offer that. :(

They're only for people who have Alzheimer's. I heard that these "respite care" staff abuses people.
 
Ghost_Owl

Ghost_Owl

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May 13, 2017
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U.K
I will ponder this try and be kinder to yourself in the meantime.
 
Lavender_Rose

Lavender_Rose

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I liked to pretend I was hurting people I didn't like or who annoyed me. ✌💗
I serious can't sleep until I rephrase this into something better. I don't like how it reads that I like to hurt people. So instead it should read I like to use the kickboxing moves to release inner aggression.
 
frisas45

frisas45

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South Korea
I serious can't sleep until I rephrase this into something better. I don't like how it reads that I like to hurt people. So instead it should read I like to use the kickboxing moves to release inner aggression.
Anyone can say anything when they're upset. Don't mull over it. :peace:
 
N

Nukelavee

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Dec 17, 2019
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Location
London, ON
Hmm.

Do you have any idea why your depression peaks in the evening? I think it would be helpful to try and figure out some of the factors or triggers causing this.

I've noticed I also can get depressed out of nowhere as the day ends. In winter, I know part of the issue is how early it gets dark here (I'm in Canada, so winters mean very short days, like, it gets dark by 5pm).

Another factor is eating - being hungry, having low blood sugar, makes us low energy, which in turn worsens our mood. So does being dehydrated.

somedays I feel worse at night because I feel like I didn't do enough constructive things during my day, I'm depressed because I wasted another day doing empty things. Even as I try to fill the hours before sleep by reading reddits and TVTropes.

At times, it's just the knowledge I need to find something to do during those final hours.

so - consider light levels as a cause - try brighter warmer lighting in the evening. MAke certain you eat properly. You could try to list things to accomplish during the next day, or, a list of things you did accomplish. MAybe even a small list of minor tasks or projects you can pick up in the evening to fill time and feel productive. (I draw greeting cards or do some of my writing in the evening for this reason.

Even simply trying things like this can make you feel better and more in control, which reduces depression.

I hope this helps a bit.
 
M

Mary26

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Feb 28, 2018
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243
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USA
I don't know if this is helpful at all but I was once in a situation where I was trapped living with someone whose energy was so negative that it permeated the whole environment. So Iused meditation and mindfulness practices to learn how to shift my attention inward and kind of create a wall around myself for protection. It actually worked. I know it's more complicated when it's your mom because you probably don't want to shut her out but if it feels like it's affecting your own well being you could give it a try.
 
frisas45

frisas45

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Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
Hmm.

Do you have any idea why your depression peaks in the evening? I think it would be helpful to try and figure out some of the factors or triggers causing this.
Sun sets at 8pm in Korea. Especially summers. I get depressed easily. Worse in winters. But it has nothing to do with sunlight. I leave the house every day. For some reasons, my mother doesn't allow me to eat lunch and dinner inside the house; I have to go to restaurants. I do nothing by walking around and it can be tiring.
 
ask92

ask92

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Jul 14, 2020
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South Korea
Sun sets at 8pm in Korea. Especially summers. I get depressed easily. Worse in winters. But it has nothing to do with sunlight. I leave the house every day. For some reasons, my mother doesn't allow me to eat lunch and dinner inside the house; I have to go to restaurants. I do nothing by walking around and it can be tiring.
Are you perhaps occupied with things mentally?

And all that I know that may be useful to you in terms of mental health care in S. Korea is that they have this thing called a handicap bokji card for people with physical or mental ailments. They cover hospital admission fees, medication and appointment fees, and may give you some money to spend for leisure like about 400,000 won or less?
 
frisas45

frisas45

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Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
I asked the welfare center for help. They don't hand these out due to COVID-19. That's what they said...

Besides, we habe to go through tedious financial inspections. If we have a certain amount of money, we can't get something like that. Even if our savings aren't worth affording hospital fees.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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Jul 16, 2020
Messages
1,025
Location
Glasgow
I get depressed every evening. It's true. I get gloomy every evening. I feel fine in the morning, and get awfully depressed during the afternoons. It's fine when you fall asleep during depression, when I wake up, I feel just okay.

"Don't stay up at nights," I think to myself, "If you do, you have these negative thoughts depressing you." But sometimes, depression comes too early in the afternoon. Day by day.

I tried everything to keep me happy. But when they're gone, the depression's back. I can't shake them off; the fundamental cause of the depression isn't solved.

I live with my mother who is schizophrenic. She has auditory hallucinations, and believe that there are witches who can mind-read. She said I'm a spy and accused me of espionage. She rants about it for days, screaming about who was about to get her. She said everyone is involved in a conspiracy to destroy her, and I was a part of it. Thus she gets physically aggressive towards people. But I wasn't doing anything to her. I tried to help her in many ways.

I made her to stop drinking alcohol. I made her to take her pills. All ended up in a failure. She pretends to take the pills and discard it somewhere. She didn't stop.

We went to two psychiatrists. They both kicked her out. She does not listen to them or whatever. The third one provided her the right medications, and thankfully she was healed. Her symptoms gradually improved. (We went to South Korea's finest hospital) She takes her pills regularly and stops taking alcohol.

I had to take sole responsibility, while my family is too old and sick to give us any help. My father is too busy providing for our expenses back in US. My mother and I live in an apartment back in South Korea, and he can't fly over here to help us. No one can help her, only me. I had to do everything myself.

My father used to give us help back when we were in US. But he could not afford the medical expenses. US has high medical prices and he drove us away, only sending money. South Korea has affordable medical expenses, but crappy mental health care.

My mother suffered from delusional disorder for 10 years, and I suffered from bipolar disorder for my entire life. It's taxing for me to care-give her and keep up with my academics. (I go to a college)

I asked a lot of people in other subreddits (won't mention exactly what) and other websites. Some just bitched at me to push through the pain. It infuriates me because it means that I have to try hard to perform academically while going through this mess. Going to a college in South Korea is tough. South Korea is filled with professors who are bullies. They yell, curse, and threaten students.

My head professor said the same objective that others had said. Not only that, I have to be stuck taking care for her for the rest of my life.

I have no money or educational background to get myself independent. Even if I did, I can't afford anything. Unemployment is rife in South Korea and expenses are rife in US. It's between a rock and a hard place; I need my parents to survive.

But I push myself to my goal. So hard that I had to sacrifice everything to survive. I kick hard to survive.

This pressure to perform while care-giving made me snap and lose my anger. I have serious ups and downs. I get paranoid in one moment and depressed after. One point, I get so angry that I wanted to harm someone. If they started to say something awful to me, I feel like i could seriously injure them... which is a serious crime. I get worried if I keep going like this, stress might destroy me and do something like this.

This is why I'm depressed. If I keep pushing too hard, I'd lose my mind. South Korea's too competitive to get a measly job. Preparing under enormous pressure and caring for my mother is taxing. I'd break something or someone! I'm also worried that she might relapse... asked a lot of doctors and pharmacists. I even asked the social services for help. No use because of COVID-19.

If I ask my doctor for my symptoms (mom's doctors and my doctors are different), he'd tell me to go to a general hospital... as an inpatient. He tried to help me adjust to so much meds, only to end up in failure. I have NO money to afford to be incarcerated, let alone to receive welfare. Actually, my current medications, Lonasen and Lithium, are reducing the symptoms.

I relax by taking a walk. Going to museums and other attractions. South Korea has a lot of them. That helped me unwind and ease the dangerous stress, but something in my tells me to grind again. Or else I won't survive.
Thats to much you need to get some help and relieve the pressure
 
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