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I might harm other people if I keep on living like this...

frisas45

frisas45

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Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
I get depressed every evening. It's true. I get gloomy every evening. I feel fine in the morning, and get awfully depressed during the afternoons. It's fine when you fall asleep during depression, when I wake up, I feel just okay.

"Don't stay up at nights," I think to myself, "If you do, you have these negative thoughts depressing you." But sometimes, depression comes too early in the afternoon. Day by day.

I tried everything to keep me happy. But when they're gone, the depression's back. I can't shake them off; the fundamental cause of the depression isn't solved.

I live with my mother who is schizophrenic. She has auditory hallucinations, and believe that there are witches who can mind-read. She said I'm a spy and accused me of espionage. She rants about it for days, screaming about who was about to get her. She said everyone is involved in a conspiracy to destroy her, and I was a part of it. Thus she gets physically aggressive towards people. But I wasn't doing anything to her. I tried to help her in many ways.

I made her to stop drinking alcohol. I made her to take her pills. All ended up in a failure. She pretends to take the pills and discard it somewhere. She didn't stop.

We went to two psychiatrists. They both kicked her out. She does not listen to them or whatever. The third one provided her the right medications, and thankfully she was healed. Her symptoms gradually improved. (We went to South Korea's finest hospital) She takes her pills regularly and stops taking alcohol.

I had to take sole responsibility, while my family is too old and sick to give us any help. My father is too busy providing for our expenses back in US. My mother and I live in an apartment back in South Korea, and he can't fly over here to help us. No one can help her, only me. I had to do everything myself.

My father used to give us help back when we were in US. But he could not afford the medical expenses. US has high medical prices and he drove us away, only sending money. South Korea has affordable medical expenses, but crappy mental health care.

My mother suffered from delusional disorder for 10 years, and I suffered from bipolar disorder for my entire life. It's taxing for me to care-give her and keep up with my academics. (I go to a college)

I asked a lot of people in other subreddits (won't mention exactly what) and other websites. Some just bitched at me to push through the pain. It infuriates me because it means that I have to try hard to perform academically while going through this mess. Going to a college in South Korea is tough. South Korea is filled with professors who are bullies. They yell, curse, and threaten students.

My head professor said the same objective that others had said. Not only that, I have to be stuck taking care for her for the rest of my life.

I have no money or educational background to get myself independent. Even if I did, I can't afford anything. Unemployment is rife in South Korea and expenses are rife in US. It's between a rock and a hard place; I need my parents to survive.

But I push myself to my goal. So hard that I had to sacrifice everything to survive. I kick hard to survive.

This pressure to perform while care-giving made me snap and lose my anger. I have serious ups and downs. I get paranoid in one moment and depressed after. One point, I get so angry that I wanted to harm someone. If they started to say something awful to me, I feel like i could seriously injure them... which is a serious crime. I get worried if I keep going like this, stress might destroy me and do something like this.

This is why I'm depressed. If I keep pushing too hard, I'd lose my mind. South Korea's too competitive to get a measly job. Preparing under enormous pressure and caring for my mother is taxing. I'd break something or someone! I'm also worried that she might relapse... asked a lot of doctors and pharmacists. I even asked the social services for help. No use because of COVID-19.

If I ask my doctor for my symptoms (mom's doctors and my doctors are different), he'd tell me to go to a general hospital... as an inpatient. He tried to help me adjust to so much meds, only to end up in failure. I have NO money to afford to be incarcerated, let alone to receive welfare. Actually, my current medications, Lonasen and Lithium, are reducing the symptoms.

I relax by taking a walk. Going to museums and other attractions. South Korea has a lot of them. That helped me unwind and ease the dangerous stress, but something in my tells me to grind again. Or else I won't survive.
 
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Lavender_Rose

Lavender_Rose

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Apr 12, 2020
Messages
875
Location
United States
That is a lot of weight on your shoulders. It's not surprising that you'd feel like your breaking or want to snap. I don't know much about South Korea to be able to offer you much advice on how to cope there. I used to like doing kickboxing workout videos when I felt angry and overwelmed. It made me feel powerful and that made me feel better.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
That is a lot of weight on your shoulders. It's not surprising that you'd feel like your breaking or want to snap. I don't know much about South Korea to be able to offer you much advice on how to cope there. I used to like doing kickboxing workout videos when I felt angry and overwelmed. It made me feel powerful and that made me feel better.
I might try that. Thanks! But Korean martial arts schools are too damn abusive to endure. Adds pressure...
 
Lavender_Rose

Lavender_Rose

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Apr 12, 2020
Messages
875
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United States
I might try that. Thanks! But Korean martial arts schools are too damn abusive to endure. Adds pressure...
I did mine through a dvd at home. It was a Jullian Micheals dvd I think lol. I liked to pretend I was hurting people I didn't like or who annoyed me. ✌💗
 
Ramson mash

Ramson mash

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Feb 1, 2019
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U.K
I thought you had a journal so I was gunna ask you a question.
 
Ramson mash

Ramson mash

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Regarding a Korean Movie
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
Yes, I want to see it, looks cool
It looks depressing tbh. Like I said, I don't know about the movie. But I know some synopsis. It's about the wealthy oppressing the poor. Injustice. Sorry to say that... :(
 
frisas45

frisas45

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Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
I don't know why the hell I came to South Korea for. I posted a similar post on Reddit, and they said mental health is horseshit in Korea. Just look at this post from one user:

"Yea, like another suggested, I'd pack your mom up and head back to the US. Mental-health care is shit in Korea. You'd get much more help back home."

I believe Korea's worse than Japan. Japan is poor in healthcare, but they invent good antipsychotics. Therapy is poor-assed, but at least they got accommodations in mental institutions. South Korea don't have accommodations. If any of us get hospitalized, we're good as fucked. :cry:
 
Lavender_Rose

Lavender_Rose

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 12, 2020
Messages
875
Location
United States
I don't know why the hell I came to South Korea for. I posted a similar post on Reddit, and they said mental health is horseshit in Korea. Just look at this post from one user:

"Yea, like another suggested, I'd pack your mom up and head back to the US. Mental-health care is shit in Korea. You'd get much more help back home."

I believe Korea's worse than Japan. Japan is poor in healthcare, but they invent good antipsychotics. Therapy is poor-assed, but at least they got accommodations in mental institutions. South Korea don't have accommodations. If any of us get hospitalized, we're good as fucked. :cry:
You did what you thought was best at the time. You shouldn't beat yourself up for that. You can look at the past now and say all these negative things but maybe at the time those things didn't matter and something else was more important or maybe you just didn't know any better. It's not something to be so hard on yourself about.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
You did what you thought was best at the time. You shouldn't beat yourself up for that. You can look at the past now and say all these negative things but maybe at the time those things didn't matter and something else was more important or maybe you just didn't know any better. It's not something to be so hard on yourself about.
I wasn't beating myself up. I wondered if I could've done better had I stayed in US. But everyone around me said US healthcare sucks, especially affordability. So our family came to South Korea, due to the fact that healthcare is more advanced and affordable. But mental health is bullshit here. :(
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
874
Location
South Korea
You did what you thought was best at the time. You shouldn't beat yourself up for that. You can look at the past now and say all these negative things but maybe at the time those things didn't matter and something else was more important or maybe you just didn't know any better. It's not something to be so hard on yourself about.
Thank you! :)
 
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