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I messed up...

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huntsman

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
24
Location
EU
Hi

I messed up... I SH a lot, when I messed up, (I accidentally offend someone, don't get an expected grade at an exam...). I do it during an anxiety attack, while I'm not thinking straight.

I get suicidal at times during these anxiety attacks, my lifeline was my best friend. Who usually talks to me, lets me vent, and calms me down. She is the most amazing person I know, and has been with me through thick and thin for more than a year now. We were really close.

Today... I got a really bad anxiety attack, got into my SH mentality, contacted her and she tried to calm me down, but it wasn't working, she got angry at me, and I said a bunch of stuff I didn't mean, and I self harmed... and she gave up. She told me, that she doesn't want to do this anymore, and feels like a failure that she couldn't help. That we are still friends but she can't handle being my life line anymore, because its taking a toll on her mental health too.

I don't blame her. I'm not angry at her. There are no hard feelings towards her. She is deserves everything in the world. I just feel sad that I hurt her, and wish that she never became my life line. I feel ashamed that I can't handle it on my own. I feel guilty for dragging her health down with me. I feel regret for ever bothering her with my problems.

I feel like I am the villain in this story... I don't know, you decide.
 
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NoOne5

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Mar 31, 2020
Messages
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Location
USA
You are not the villain. Your illnesses are. We need to realize that we are NOT our mental or even physical illnesses. They are things we suffer with and try to treat. Please don't self harm anymore. If you've self harmed badly then I suggest you GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AS FAST AS POSSIBLE! :hug: :hug:
 
H

huntsman

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
24
Location
EU
You are not the villain. Your illnesses are. We need to realize that we are NOT our mental or even physical illnesses. They are things we suffer with and try to treat. Please don't self harm anymore. If you've self harmed badly then I suggest you GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AS FAST AS POSSIBLE! :hug: :hug:

Thank you

I hope I can get rid of them some day, and make it up to her... Honestly if it weren't for her I wouldn't be here anymore.

And It did get messy, but its nothing serious.
 
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NoOne5

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2020
Messages
1,233
Location
USA
Just remember to get better for yourself too. I know that as men you have the tendency to put others needs and wants before your own. But you need to realize you shouldn't feel like you have to carry the Earth on your shoulders. Express your needs and wants. That is good that you have a partner who loves you. I hope you and her have a bright, long lasting, loving relationship. She sounds like a keeper. :peace: :peace:
 
TheSadnessWillLastForever

TheSadnessWillLastForever

Well-known member
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Oct 28, 2019
Messages
51
Location
Ohio
You're not a villain. I've been the life line to someone who is suicidal and it was exhausting and I eventually I had to tell her I couldn't be this for her anymore and she was devastated, angry at me even. As someone who has been where your friend is I hope to offer some perspective. Although I couldn't be her life line anymore, I still love her very much. I was never angry at her for what she put me through and cutting off that part of our relationship made me worry for her safety. But without me to lean on she got the help she needed and now is very happy, married and expecting her first child. We are still very close. She apologized for what she put me through and it meant a lot to me so if you're feeling guilty, maybe try to sincerely apologize? I hope this helped
 
H

huntsman

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
24
Location
EU
You're not a villain. I've been the life line to someone who is suicidal and it was exhausting and I eventually I had to tell her I couldn't be this for her anymore and she was devastated, angry at me even. As someone who has been where your friend is I hope to offer some perspective. Although I couldn't be her life line anymore, I still love her very much. I was never angry at her for what she put me through and cutting off that part of our relationship made me worry for her safety. But without me to lean on she got the help she needed and now is very happy, married and expecting her first child. We are still very close. She apologized for what she put me through and it meant a lot to me so if you're feeling guilty, maybe try to sincerely apologize? I hope this helped
It helped a lot... thank you a lot.
I hope she feels the same as you did.

And as an update to the situation, Her cutting that part off, has given me an inner strength I never knew I had. To prove to her that I can get out of it... I hope it will work out like in your case.
 
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