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I messed up...

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huntsman

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Oct 31, 2020
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Hi

I messed up... I SH a lot, when I messed up, (I accidentally offend someone, don't get an expected grade at an exam...). I do it during an anxiety attack, while I'm not thinking straight.

I get suicidal at times during these anxiety attacks, my lifeline was my best friend. Who usually talks to me, lets me vent, and calms me down. She is the most amazing person I know, and has been with me through thick and thin for more than a year now. We were really close.

Today... I got a really bad anxiety attack, got into my SH mentality, contacted her and she tried to calm me down, but it wasn't working, she got angry at me, and I said a bunch of stuff I didn't mean, and I self harmed... and she gave up. She told me, that she doesn't want to do this anymore, and feels like a failure that she couldn't help. That we are still friends but she can't handle being my life line anymore, because its taking a toll on her mental health too.

I don't blame her. I'm not angry at her. There are no hard feelings towards her. She is deserves everything in the world. I just feel sad that I hurt her, and wish that she never became my life line. I feel ashamed that I can't handle it on my own. I feel guilty for dragging her health down with me. I feel regret for ever bothering her with my problems.

I feel like I am the villain in this story... I don't know, you decide.
 
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NoOne5

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You are not the villain. Your illnesses are. We need to realize that we are NOT our mental or even physical illnesses. They are things we suffer with and try to treat. Please don't self harm anymore. If you've self harmed badly then I suggest you GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AS FAST AS POSSIBLE! :hug: :hug:
 
H

huntsman

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You are not the villain. Your illnesses are. We need to realize that we are NOT our mental or even physical illnesses. They are things we suffer with and try to treat. Please don't self harm anymore. If you've self harmed badly then I suggest you GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AS FAST AS POSSIBLE! :hug: :hug:

Thank you

I hope I can get rid of them some day, and make it up to her... Honestly if it weren't for her I wouldn't be here anymore.

And It did get messy, but its nothing serious.
 
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NoOne5

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Just remember to get better for yourself too. I know that as men you have the tendency to put others needs and wants before your own. But you need to realize you shouldn't feel like you have to carry the Earth on your shoulders. Express your needs and wants. That is good that you have a partner who loves you. I hope you and her have a bright, long lasting, loving relationship. She sounds like a keeper. :peace: :peace:
 
TheSadnessWillLastForever

TheSadnessWillLastForever

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You're not a villain. I've been the life line to someone who is suicidal and it was exhausting and I eventually I had to tell her I couldn't be this for her anymore and she was devastated, angry at me even. As someone who has been where your friend is I hope to offer some perspective. Although I couldn't be her life line anymore, I still love her very much. I was never angry at her for what she put me through and cutting off that part of our relationship made me worry for her safety. But without me to lean on she got the help she needed and now is very happy, married and expecting her first child. We are still very close. She apologized for what she put me through and it meant a lot to me so if you're feeling guilty, maybe try to sincerely apologize? I hope this helped
 
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huntsman

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You're not a villain. I've been the life line to someone who is suicidal and it was exhausting and I eventually I had to tell her I couldn't be this for her anymore and she was devastated, angry at me even. As someone who has been where your friend is I hope to offer some perspective. Although I couldn't be her life line anymore, I still love her very much. I was never angry at her for what she put me through and cutting off that part of our relationship made me worry for her safety. But without me to lean on she got the help she needed and now is very happy, married and expecting her first child. We are still very close. She apologized for what she put me through and it meant a lot to me so if you're feeling guilty, maybe try to sincerely apologize? I hope this helped
It helped a lot... thank you a lot.
I hope she feels the same as you did.

And as an update to the situation, Her cutting that part off, has given me an inner strength I never knew I had. To prove to her that I can get out of it... I hope it will work out like in your case.
 
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MerDreamer

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You sound like you have a beautiful soul btw huntsman. You don’t sound like a villain. Hope it all works out for the best for you.
 
Beorn the Bear

Beorn the Bear

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There is only so much people can take. It's extremely exhausting when dealing with someone with mental illness. She obviously cares about you but try and understand her side too.
 
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huntsman

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You sound like you have a beautiful soul btw huntsman. You don’t sound like a villain. Hope it all works out for the best for you.

Thank you


Unfortunately it hasn't gone well, we have drifted apart since then... She said that she doesn't want to be around me. She said that me even being around her infuriates her...


I feel really sad about this, because I still really care about her, but I respect her wishes...

what's worse is we are in the same friend group and its painfully obvious she is avoiding me, but refuses to admit to it.

I just feel guilty for what happened, and if I could change any event in my life it would be: talking to her about my problems... if I didn't we might still be friends...

Sorry for making this depressing.
 
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huntsman

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There is only so much people can take. It's extremely exhausting when dealing with someone with mental illness. She obviously cares about you but try and understand her side too.

Thank you for replying

I do, and I feel no bad feeling to her... Even though that is one-sided at this point in time.
 
kimidare

kimidare

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Hi huntsman,

Not sure if it will help, but I have been in this situation, like you. My friend gave up, said we were still friends but that he was too stressed by my crisis. Some years have passed, and we don't talk anymore, because I'm too ashamed for what I put him through. But I don't actually feel as bad as at the beginning, it's just embarassing when I think about it.
So it will be okay, with time.
:grouphug:
 
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huntsman

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Oct 31, 2020
Messages
40
Location
EU
Hi huntsman,

Not sure if it will help, but I have been in this situation, like you. My friend gave up, said we were still friends but that he was too stressed by my crisis. Some years have passed, and we don't talk anymore, because I'm too ashamed for what I put him through. But I don't actually feel as bad as at the beginning, it's just embarassing when I think about it.
So it will be okay, with time.
:grouphug:

Thank you for your reply

Yeah... I do feel a lot of shame for what I did... I try to take it as a learning experience and not talk about my problems too much to my other friends... and I have come to accept that we will never be as close as we once were if we will be friends at all after this...

Its just hard to cope with it sometimes. Like I sometimes get vivid memories of the times when we were friends, and I get this extreme feeling of grief... it can ruin my day sometimes.

I do hope she is doing ok though... we haven't talked much since then and I really don't want her to feel bad.
 
kimidare

kimidare

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It's why I'm here too, to avoid putting too much pressure on my few friends with my problems that they can't solve.
At least here we can write without worrying if it's okay to share, because there is more than one person here to help you.

I think that she needs some space for now.
Take care of yourself.
 
H

huntsman

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Oct 31, 2020
Messages
40
Location
EU
It's why I'm here too, to avoid putting too much pressure on my few friends with my problems that they can't solve.
At least here we can write without worrying if it's okay to share, because there is more than one person here to help you.

I think that she needs some space for now.
Take care of yourself.
Thank you, and I hope things work out for you too
 
Tawny

Tawny

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England
It is always serious, even one bit, is serious. It is your skin, your mental health. Don't ever think it is minor, it is a sign that something is wrong, that you are not well, not doing well, and need help. You must always ask for help, preferably from professionals, samaritans, anyone but i wouldn't recommend friends or family as it is too much for them/us, i have never ever been able to cope. I often cannot cope with private messages on the forum unless i am feeling very well, i get in a panic.

Please write on the forum, keep writing, keep asking for help. One day you will not need to hurt your skin.
 
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