I maybe acted compulsive and broke a promise in order to avoid breaking an hypothetical one.

[Erudinam]

I was caught between 2 compulsions.

The first compulsion was to turn on the tap carefully, without making dirty the faucet because I was worrying for an hypothetical promise to Gods.

The second compulsion was not to act compulsive with the faucet because of a promise to Gods.


Keeping one compulsion breaks the other. I rushly, decided that its better to risk breaking the compulsion of must not act compulsive with the faucet, by acting compulsive with it in order to avoid making it dirty as the other compulsion says, because that hypothetical promise was more scary/worrying.

I worry because I was almost, sure that the hypothetical promise (not making things dirty) is just an ocd hypothesis and does not count and that the other one (must not act compuslive with the faucet) was like a normal promise and yet, I prefered to keep the hypothetical one because it was scarier.

The reason I did not paid much attention to the other compulsion is because all this time, I was considering that promise (even if it was a normal promise) was not that scary to break. I worry because, even though I remember that the promise is not scary to break, I still worry. Why? Because what if that promise was one of those promises that were much scarier? I do not think that I would make a scary promise about that faucet but I cant confirm it 100%. I am almost, sure that it was just, a promise (but not so scary as I am worrying that it may be). Even thought, I am almost 100% sure, I cant confirm it. What if I remember wrong? what if that promise was made during the period that a scarier ocd promise appeared and that promise was the same as the scary one?

 

[Erudinam]

2.5 years ago, I think I tried to make a deal with God about not acting compulsive with the faucet and probably, asked for a punishment in case breaking it. I tried to make the deal in order to force myself stop doing some ocd compulsions. I wanted to be free.

All this time, I thought that this deal was one of the first deals that appeared when i decided to fight ocd with deals/punishments. Since that deal was not as scary as an other deal that I tried to make much later, in the future, I considered it that there is no need to worry to break the deal because it is something that it is not that scary.

Today, I was forced by my ocd, to act compulsive with the faucet and since, that deal was not that scary, I think, I rushly, decided to risk breaking it.


I am almost, sure that I never made a scary deal with the faucet but since, I cant remember my words, my ocd is telling me that there are chances that the deal was scarier than what I thought it was. and maybe I ended up breaking it.

I am worrying again! The reason I risked breaking it was because I risked breaking similar "safe" deals in the past. But, since I cant remember my words when I made the deal, I worry that I may have made a "dangerous" deal and broke it.