I made my wife have BPD

A

Abuser17

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#1
I have never known why, but I knew what I was doing. I have always been emotionally abusive and socially abusive to my wife. I have controlled her using almost every tactic any site will show you. I love her and do not understand why I have done this for years, but I know and admit that I have.

Overtime the abuse has been too much. I pushed her emotionally away from me and she started an affair with a guy at her work. I believe the BPD started from my own actions but the guilt from her affair seems to have made the BPD take up permanent home. She tells me she wants us to work and truly means it, but is unable to stop the affair at the same time. I feel I am primarily responsible for what has happened and I still love her, but cannot stay with her if this behavior cannot stop even if I am responsible.

My main issue is should I be trying to rebuild my relationship with her by just talking and not talking about anything serous? I feel like if I caused it and she can learn to trust me and see that I don't have to be like that it would help. This is an incredibly hard option for me to do though knowing what she's doing and have to pretend it's not going on.

The other option is to tell her I'm leaving her. When I do this she always reacts strongly and says she wants to change, but I truly don't think she can at this point even if she wants to.

She realizes she has BPD, but refuses to get help either. I am unable to force her and trying to force her to do things is what has led to this moment in time. What do I need to do?
 
OobieMoobie

OobieMoobie

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#2
You say you feel guilty over emotionally abusing her, however at the same time you seem oblivious to the
fact that you're still doing so by threatening to leave her to get her to behave more as you want her to.

She may need help but so do you. See a therapist and be dedicated to it. People aren't just spontaneously abusive - behaviour has a cause. If there is any chance of salvaging the relationship it's through you working with a professional to change your behaviour. What you do probably stems from some form of unhappiness that needs dealing with.

How do you know it's BPD? Is it a diagnosis or..?
 
A

Abuser17

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#3
I am not oblivious to that fact. I am also however considering my own health and condition. If I leave it might help her, but it would mostly be for myself.

My anger is from being unhappy with my own life. I was unhappy with where it was and trying to live day to day just to get by with no real purpose and happiness in my life. I have a fairly good idea of what's going on with me now, but I do agree I need help.

She refuses to go to the doctor so not an official diagnosis. I have however read over 5+ websites with symptoms and read other stories on here of people with BPD and this is definitely what she has.
 
Dita85

Dita85

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#4
It is clear that whatever the issues, both you and your wife need help. Have you considered couples counselling through Relate or similar? You can also go and seek help for your own issues, as you seem ready to take responsibility for your own issues and behaviour.

As far as I am aware, you can't cause an adult to develop BPD. BPD traits are usually present in the teenage years and a personality disorder diagnosis requires that the behaviours have been present for a long time and are consistent. It is possible of course that your wife has always had BPD and that this has been made worse by the issues in your relationship. In order to get help, your wife will need to speak to her GP who will refer her to the services she needs.
 
OobieMoobie

OobieMoobie

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#5
As far as I am aware, you can't cause an adult to develop BPD. BPD traits are usually present in the teenage years and a personality disorder diagnosis requires that the behaviours have been present for a long time and are consistent. It is possible of course that your wife has always had BPD and that this has been made worse by the issues in your relationship. In order to get help, your wife will need to speak to her GP who will refer her to the services she needs.
That's what I thought too, but I wasn't about to start doing research at 3.00am :L

Your wife is probably displaying a lot of the symptoms of BPD, but that could well be because these symptoms tie in to a whole range of mental illnesses or emotional distress, being in an unhealthy relationship in itself can have pretty strong effects on a person's emotions and behaviour.

It's a difficult situation, because if your wife had been the one coming to us for help I think you can understand that we would be queing at the door to tell her to leave for her own wellbeing. Ultimately whether she stays or goes has to be her own choice, with no coercion or incentive either way. The reality is she may have emotionally finished her relationship with you some time ago, but certain factors prevent her from being able to physically end the relationship. On the other hand she may genuinely want to stay with you and try and rebuild a happy life with you. You have to give her the chance to work that out for herself and make the decision.

Whatever happens it's still imperative that you seek the right help in order to give you a chance at a happier life in general.

My anger is from being unhappy with my own life. I was unhappy with where it was and trying to live day to day just to get by with no real purpose and happiness in my life.
that's a horribly frustrating situation to be in, it's where a lot of people find themselves eventually. :hug:

I'd also be aware that if you do decide to stay together and work at it be prepared for her to start toget angry at you for things that happened months (even years) ago. It often takes someone in an abusive relationship an awful long time to realise what was really going on, and when they do they have all the anger that they should have felt when incidents happened sitting around all of a sudden. If you decide to stay together, couple counselling is definitely a good idea.
 
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|||ME|||

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#6
So she suffers years of control and abuse and during that time was doing what you wanted and didn't have a mental illness?

She's now doing things you don't like and that behaviour is an indication of a hitherto masked mental illness which resides in her?

Am I understanding this correctly up to this point?
 
A

Abuser17

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#7
So she suffers years of control and abuse and during that time was doing what you wanted and didn't have a mental illness?

She's now doing things you don't like and that behaviour is an indication of a hitherto masked mental illness which resides in her?

Am I understanding this correctly up to this point?
I feel like you're mocking me. If I wanted to be mocked I could go somewhere else.
 
R

Rose19602

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#8
I can't quite understand what your motivation is here....

Do you want to stop emotionally abusing her?
Do you want to work on your marriage?
Equally importantly :
Does she want to work on your marriage and stop the affair?
Does your wife want help with the symptoms you attribute to BPD and does she recognise them as problematic for her?

If the answer is yes to any of them, then there are things you can do, perhaps, but they will take effort and a great deal of time, honesty and courage. IMO, it's not worth starting that unless you intend to see it through and unless you are prepared to change your behaviour.....she also needs to trust you to do this!

If you are prepared to invest in the relationship, then go to Relate for relationship counselling. It is up to your wife if she chooses to go to the GP or not and it is also up to her whether or not she wants to save the marriage.

Whether the marriage survives the affair or not perhaps you could consider counselling for yourself and perhaps speak to your GP if you want help through the NHS - abusers need help too. If you want to make sure that this chain of events doesn't repeat itself, it might be a good thing for you to do.

I agree with the others about BPD btw. You cannot diagnose it yourself.

Feeling brow-beaten, low, inconfident, having no self esteem left and feeling like a door mat is enough to make most people appear mentally unwell. Investing in her, being kind to her, helping her achieve her potential and believing in her is more likely to turn things round than suggesting she has a personality disorder, which will infer further fault and bring her down all the more.

Equally if you wallow in self pity and guilt that will not help her either. If you want to change and you know that you have done wrong...do something about it and put things in place to change!

x
 
A

Abuser17

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#9
Thank you for the post Kitty and most everyone else. I do want to change and make things better. She says she does as well, but I feel it's quite possibly the abuse talking.
 
R

Rose19602

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#10
Well, let her decide for herself what she wants to do and give her the space and respect to do so then.
In the meantime, get started on yourself, set a good example and start building trust.
Good luck, I hope you can turn things round.
x
 
calypso

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#11
Abuser17, I don't quite understand post 1 and then post 3. You say it is you who has BPD and then say it is her. I suspect she can't give up the affair because she is in desperate need of someone showing consistent love towards her. As you say, that has been erratic from you.

I would say, get yourself diagnosed properly. There is a therapy aimed directly at people with Borderline and its called DBT - Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a lot of hard work and you have to turn up to everything almost. So it does mean you have to really want to change. Also, they will tell you that you cannot blame her for your behaviour - which can be hard to hear at times.