• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

I lost him because of the abuse. Trigger warning

F

Francis26

New member
Joined
Dec 16, 2019
Messages
3
Location
England
My five-year relationship ended and shattered my heart.

I was sexually abused from the age of 5 by a family member. I remember 5 incidents. I never told anyone until 3 months ago, 20 years after it stopped. The lid of my secret was slowly being lifted a year ago and I slipped into darkness. My boyfriend had no idea how to support me, he had no inkling that something serious had happened. At the same time, he was slipping into his own darkness with a sudden fear of death, stemming from the near death of his Dad. We both became lost and drifted apart. I told him the truth, so he could understand why I changed. Now we are fighting our own battles separately, but all I want to do is be in his arms and support him.

My abuser has taken my adulthood, not my childhood. I am surrounded by a family who has no idea, an ex-boyfriend who is overwhelmed and I am alone to sort out my mess.

I lost the one because someone broke my trust and I have protected myself and my loved ones ever since.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
45,547
Location
Lancashire
Welcome to the forum. Do you think its time to stop taking all the responsibility on your shoulders and time to share it with those who are closest to you? Shouldn't your family know? Its so frightening and worrying to take that first step.

As for your partner, when my husband and I were drifting some years ago (he's dead now), I wrote him a letter so I could calmly explain everything and tell him how much I loved him and wanted to work through this with him. I wanted to share his demons as well as my own. It might sound weird to write a letter to someone who is sitting next to you, but its a way of breaking through the silence which can descend. My husband kept that letter and referred to it periodically. He wrote one back to me too which I treasure.

Its just an idea. There is also a service called Relate who can help you.
www.relate.org.uk/‎ who are excellent therapists and see couples who are struggling.
 
F

Francis26

New member
Joined
Dec 16, 2019
Messages
3
Location
England
Hello @calypso

Thank you for your reply and honesty.

In regards to disclosing to family members, I am not sure I can, especially not to my parents. Why share the pain?

My ex and I met up a month ago and spoke face to face about this past year and how I have come to lose myself. He spoke of feeling like a failure - failing to support me, failing to save money, failing to deal with his own mental health. We have not spoken since and I have found this hard but a clean break was needed. I told someone my secret for the first time. I acknowledged that it truly happened. Surely he needs time to process it all too. I have wanted to talk to him, but I am scared that I will rush it and ruin any chance there might be of a rekindle. Maybe there never will be, but I am not in the right place to accept that at the minute. We both lost ourselves, at the same time. I have been thinking about writing down what I want to say to him, like daily things and more meaningful things. But am I tormenting myself? I strongly believe we are worth fighting for when the time is right.

I need to focus on me, but all I do is constantly think about him.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
45,547
Location
Lancashire
Thinking about him is focusing on you. Its a huge part of you that is important. I don't know about not telling your family...I am a mother of two and would be horrified if one of my children had gone through that and kept it as a secret from me. I would be shocked, yes, but then reach out and support the other person. Just my thoughts.

You have been incredibly brave saying it to a person too. It takes courage to do that and it means that you can start the very long path of self healing building on this. I was raped once and I know that I shouldered everything for ages and then eventually broke down and told my father (not the most sympathetic person in the world) and it all started to be real and painful but healing too. I hope you find this for yourself.
 
F

Francis26

New member
Joined
Dec 16, 2019
Messages
3
Location
England
Hello,

Apologies for not replying sooner. Did you have a good new year and Christmas?

Thank you for telling me about your past. And I am sorry that you have a past to tell me. I can't imagine what your journey has been like, but by your previous messages you come across as strong-willed. So keep doing what you are doing and let's take each day as they come. Surviving a day at a time is enough.
 
Top