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I lost him again

B

blackrainbow

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Sep 23, 2020
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uk
I've never posted on one of these forums and am honestly just so desperate because I feel so alone and confused. I've suspected I have BPD for a couple of years now. Been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years and the last time we broke up (last year) was when I started researching BPD. All of a sudden everything made sense, how I act just clicked.

I had a lot of trauma as a child and always wanted a calm happy life, I manage to stay 'normal' for months at a time and then when stress gets on top of me or I feel like he's pushing away I lash out. We both have drinking problems and he lost his mum suddenly a few years back, has unadressed gried and won't communicate or open up because he thinks he's fine but he just masks it with drinking and weed.

Last week we had a blow out and he abandoned me, he hasn't been home since and every second of the day is torture. Better than last time when he kicked me out but I haven't heard a thing and it's driving me crazy. I know he might need space but just say so, don't leave me alone and suicidal without any support, does he not realise how much I need him to get through this? I know it's not his responsibility I just wish he could see that i'm ill right now.

I didn't feel myself slipping this time, didn't know I'd got into a bad place mentally and he set me off. I've lost a lot of people to death recently which I think is the reason for this episode. He doesn't realise he should ignore my comments when I'm worked up and retaliates by insulting me which makes me angry and aggressive. I knew he was trying to leave so I lashed out by grabbing his beard and hitting him, then he strangled me and smashed my phone so I couldn't call for help. I'm glad I didn't call because that would finalise things but then I started hurting myself and eventually he told me to go to bed or he would leave so I did. I knew I'd messed up so badly. He's normally understanding and gives me a lot of time for the most part but I could tell he was getting distant and running on low energy for me.

We were meant to be going away with friends for my 30th and he went to stay with them, they were all planning on still going. I feel so betrayed. They think I'm a monster. I sat in my front room alone in the dark on my birthday without so much as a message. I tried to tell him about my mental health problems but he just laughed, he thinks it's an excuse.

I'm in so much pain, not knowing where he is, knowing this must be the final straw and wondering how I can go on without him. I know I need help but I'm so ashamed that I ruined the best thing in my life, I should have got help sooner but have been in denial because things have been stable for so long. I just want to know if he can forgive me but at the same time don't expect him to because when you're like this how can you promise someone you love you won't hurt them again. I just wish I was different. I don't think I'll ever be happy again.

Any advice welcome, I'm desperate. Thank you.
 
B

bpd2020

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Hello Blackrainbow. Welcome to the forum. The first thing to do is to see a psychiatrist to see if you do have bpd. You can see your doctor and tell them you think you have bpd and can they refer you to a psychiatrist. Once you have a diagnosis you will be able to get the right support.

If you do have bpd then you are with somebody who is very triggering. When he leaves rather then discusses things it will trigger you every single time. The violence you describe is not helpful and it sounds like it will add to your symptoms.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Dec 17, 2019
Messages
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Location
London, ON
Umm. I think part of the issue here is that neither one of you are self-aware enough of how your issues feed off each others. I may be overlooking something, but it feels like there is a lack of empathy.
We both have drinking problems and he lost his mum suddenly a few years back, has unadressed gried and won't communicate or open up because he thinks he's fine but he just masks it with drinking and weed.
I know he might need space but just say so, don't leave me alone and suicidal without any support, does he not realise how much I need him to get through this? I know it's not his responsibility I just wish he could see that i'm ill right now.
Like those statements. First - BPD and booze as a coping mechanism is a terrible idea. Working on your drinking, both of you, needs to be a priority in order for you to be able to work on the real issues.

Next - he needs space, you want him with you - those conflict. Ask yourself - is it more selfish for him to want space when you need contact, or for you to want contact when he feels he can't do it?

He doesn't realise he should ignore my comments when I'm worked up
Here's a harsh truth - BPD or not, you don't get a free pass to be nasty or mean because you are upset. When you say "he should just ignore it", you are being unreasonable. I mean, you don't like being insulted or talked down to... why would he?

A huge part of learning to cope with BPD is learning the disorder doesn't make it ok or understandable to flip out. Your lack of self-control, that is, the inability at this point to self-regulate your reactions is your issue, not others. Others don't owe you taking your anger, etc.

It means you have to learn not to lash out, to not be un-regulated.

I'm not blaming you, or saying this is all on you, because it's not. But both of you need to learn better coping and interaction methods, regardless of this relationship.

the fact you two resort to physical violence is a truly bad sign, and I feel like you need to work on those basics before the relationship has a chance.
 
B

blackrainbow

Member
Joined
Sep 23, 2020
Messages
17
Location
uk
Hello Blackrainbow. Welcome to the forum. The first thing to do is to see a psychiatrist to see if you do have bpd. You can see your doctor and tell them you think you have bpd and can they refer you to a psychiatrist. Once you have a diagnosis you will be able to get the right support.

If you do have bpd then you are with somebody who is very triggering. When he leaves rather then discusses things it will trigger you every single time. The violence you describe is not helpful and it sounds like it will add to your symptoms.
Thank you for replying, yeah it's hard to hear what you have said but I am in the midst of trying to get help there's just a long wait at the moment and I know it will take time.

I know it's not helpful and maybe he isn't right for me or can't handle me but I'm trying my best, it's just that I feel like I realised I had such a big problem too late.
 
B

blackrainbow

Member
Joined
Sep 23, 2020
Messages
17
Location
uk
Umm. I think part of the issue here is that neither one of you are self-aware enough of how your issues feed off each others. I may be overlooking something, but it feels like there is a lack of empathy.


Like those statements. First - BPD and booze as a coping mechanism is a terrible idea. Working on your drinking, both of you, needs to be a priority in order for you to be able to work on the real issues.

Next - he needs space, you want him with you - those conflict. Ask yourself - is it more selfish for him to want space when you need contact, or for you to want contact when he feels he can't do it?


Here's a harsh truth - BPD or not, you don't get a free pass to be nasty or mean because you are upset. When you say "he should just ignore it", you are being unreasonable. I mean, you don't like being insulted or talked down to... why would he?

A huge part of learning to cope with BPD is learning the disorder doesn't make it ok or understandable to flip out. Your lack of self-control, that is, the inability at this point to self-regulate your reactions is your issue, not others. Others don't owe you taking your anger, etc.

It means you have to learn not to lash out, to not be un-regulated.

I'm not blaming you, or saying this is all on you, because it's not. But both of you need to learn better coping and interaction methods, regardless of this relationship.

the fact you two resort to physical violence is a truly bad sign, and I feel like you need to work on those basics before the relationship has a chance.
Thank you for taking the time to write such an in depth response, it can be hard to see it from an outside perspective sometimes.

I think I have too much empathy and he has too little, I've been trying to cut down drinking and have been sucessful even recently but I've tried to explain when he doesn't see that he has a big problem with it too and is reluctant to cut down and support me it makes it hard for me to stay on track. I know even without BPD it isn't helpful to turn to drink.

I'm giving him the space he needs even though it's hard but I think a message from him at least would be enough to keep me steady right now and try getting through the hardest part.

I know it doesn't give me a free pass by any means, I've said I'm not making excuses and I know I need help with my anger (not that I'm angry often). Still no excuse but I'm trying and I feel like it's been me making all the effort to change and him little to none - not that he has to but it was never going to work without effort from both sides.

Again, thank you for your response. I feel like it's helpful to have an unbiased opinion when my head is clouded.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,391
Location
London, ON
I know it doesn't give me a free pass by any means, I've said I'm not making excuses and I know I need help with my anger (not that I'm angry often). Still no excuse but I'm trying and I feel like it's been me making all the effort to change and him little to none - not that he has to but it was never going to work without effort from both sides.
That's a huge step, you know, realizing you don't get a free pass. So is realizing it will take both of you to fix things. So be proud of that.

With BPD, one common trait is constant background anger, like, it is always there waiting for an excuse to explode. It's one of my main issues (yes, I have BPD, too). It's one reason why we need to be careful in situations that can result in "lashing out", we need to be certain the anger we express is reasonable for the event, not fueled and boosted by our latent anger. LEarning how to do this, after a few years of practice, has been huge for me.

It's also important to remember that, while BPD means very intense emotional reactions, past what others normally feel, doesn't mean that people without BPD can't be overwhelmed by intense emotions. Others can be just as irrational as us. So, just like we need to be allowed to back off and cool down, so can others.

this could very well be a case of him feeling so overwhelmed, he may as well have BPD himself, and he may be having a hard time untangling why he is avoiding you.

Basically, he may be worse off than you in understanding how he feels and reacts.

do everything you can to regulate yourself. Try writing down what you would say if he called. Think it over, and try to polish it until it really says what you need it to. That will help you explain yourself if he does contact you.

Also, I don't think trying to contact him every few days, at first, is a terrible idea. I understand how you want to know if the connection can still exist, and not knowing yes or no is very hard on people with BPD.

You can manage this. You've taken the first, hardest, steps.
 
B

blackrainbow

Member
Joined
Sep 23, 2020
Messages
17
Location
uk
That's a huge step, you know, realizing you don't get a free pass. So is realizing it will take both of you to fix things. So be proud of that.

With BPD, one common trait is constant background anger, like, it is always there waiting for an excuse to explode. It's one of my main issues (yes, I have BPD, too). It's one reason why we need to be careful in situations that can result in "lashing out", we need to be certain the anger we express is reasonable for the event, not fueled and boosted by our latent anger. LEarning how to do this, after a few years of practice, has been huge for me.

It's also important to remember that, while BPD means very intense emotional reactions, past what others normally feel, doesn't mean that people without BPD can't be overwhelmed by intense emotions. Others can be just as irrational as us. So, just like we need to be allowed to back off and cool down, so can others.

this could very well be a case of him feeling so overwhelmed, he may as well have BPD himself, and he may be having a hard time untangling why he is avoiding you.

Basically, he may be worse off than you in understanding how he feels and reacts.

do everything you can to regulate yourself. Try writing down what you would say if he called. Think it over, and try to polish it until it really says what you need it to. That will help you explain yourself if he does contact you.

Also, I don't think trying to contact him every few days, at first, is a terrible idea. I understand how you want to know if the connection can still exist, and not knowing yes or no is very hard on people with BPD.

You can manage this. You've taken the first, hardest, steps.
Thank you so much for replying again. I has time to let it sink in what you said about how I was being selfish wanting contact and it really cooled me off to the point where i've felt I can slightly breathe and relax a bit for the first time in a week. I think it's important I give him space, of course I did the irrational thing of bombarding him with calls and messages the first few days and suggesting I was going to kill myself (not sure if I was, I feel like I was but it could have been a last ditch attempt for attention - hard to tell now).

I'm glad you've learned or are learning how to control your anger, it's either less of a common issue for me or something more latent that I've yet to figure out. I know I have problems and don't normally feel it, as I mentioned it's that lack of inhibition when drinking that leads to any outbursts that I have. I feel like I'm trying so hard for most of my life that I deserve to 'relax' or 'let go' but realistically I realise I can only have one drink if I'm going forward with him (sounds crazy to me right now but I know it's got to give). Sorry if my thinking sounds disordered to you I do appreciate the support and am really trying to take steps in the right direction.

I've written a handful of notes to give him if he comes home but none of them seem perfect enough. I find it better to write my thoughts out because my anxiety gets so bad in situations like this that I won't be able to think and it might be my only chance to explain.

I don't think he has BPD (not for me to say) but over the past few years I suspected NPD which would also explain him cutting off and not wanting to deal with things - but probably worse off than me in understanding his true feelings right now and being stuck with deciding if he can carry on coping with me or not. As I said not always like this just when I have a breakdown, we are usually good together but I know when it's bad it's bad.

Thanks for listening, I can't believe a stranger helped me through the day/night.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
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Location
London, ON
I has time to let it sink in what you said about how I was being selfish wanting contact and it really cooled me off to the point where i've felt I can slightly breathe and relax a bit for the first time in a week.
IT's so hard to think clearly while upset, I'm glad you've been able to calm down.

I'm sorry I assumed anger is one of your issues, it's just really common in BPD.

Thanks for listening, I can't believe a stranger helped me through the day/night.
I'm glad I was able to help.
 
B

blackrainbow

Member
Joined
Sep 23, 2020
Messages
17
Location
uk
I'm sorry I assumed anger is one of your issues, it's just really common in BPD.
It's ok, it is a problem, just not a constant (unless it's bubbling away under the surface, need to figure out if that's the case as it could be the key to helping things.

Thanks again.
 
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